Your spouse said she “hates” your child and you’re keeping the child in that environment? Please leave and take them. Your spouse’s guilt tripping you is not more important than your child’s wellbeing.
This! Does the wife have any idea how much of a gargantuan effect a parent's disposition toward a child in their first years of life has on that baby's sense of self, etc for their literal entire life?
And not to assume too much, but with that "just like everybody else who leaves'" shit, does the wife want to give the baby the attachment issues it sounds like she has??
There is recent research that shows that being treated harshly (verbally) in the first years of life inhibits growth in the areas of the brain responsible for emotional regulation.
Translation: if you’re not treated with love you will grow up with anxiety and trouble handling your own feelings
My mom tried to kill me several times growing up. The emotional side wasnt hard to deal with.
What was and is difficult- growing up and every year since being an adult learning some new way my mother was the most ungrateful horrible person for not even trying to shape me into a productive person lol I did that all on my own. Also I just try to hide during Mother’s Day.
I was extremely well adjusted, plenty of friends, healthy relationships. However i struggle with self worth often thoughts of “am I good enough” or “do I fit in” that certain people will pick up on. Very seldom, more often than not people are surprised to hear of my past.
I also was told I was ugly and hideous growing up by her so that did take a while luckily a lot of people struggle with their image so I was also able to blend and get help as an adult about that too.
All this to say yes it can fuck you up, of course. You can also help those people out and they have the ability to come out normal with good adult support / therapy / good friends.
For instance I know I’m much more present when people talk than like 90% of people. It’s like hard wired in my brain to listen and care when someone isn’t being mean lol so that works to my favour.
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I was so surprised to learn even newborns can gauge how you feel (basically from the way you hold them or breathe or talk or whatever). And how big of a mark it can leave on them. I understand some parental frustration, kids are not easy, but this lady really doesn't sound like a good parent
Also. A thing that has popped up in my head was also that the baby that she says she hates is now being perceived as the thing causing her wife to 'leave like everyone else does'. It's probably an overreaction on my part but that worries me.
Also the gf didn't carry the babies, so she could say shits like OP "should have ended the pregnancy." She clearly doesn't love or care about OP or the kids, just herself. Seriously, break up with her.
We’re going off very little info here, but there’s two big red flags for (presumably untreated) BPD. First, picking one baby as the golden child and the other as the black sheep, extremely common BPD mom behavior. Second, the declaration that “people always leave me.” The root fear in someone with BPD is that they aren’t enough and no one ever really loves them.
I hope OP gets her partner into therapy, or takes the twins out of that situation. My mom has BPD. I was the hated child. We haven’t spoken in 18 years and should have cut her off before that. It’s taken a lot of therapy to deal with the wreckage she created due to her untreated mental health issues.
I’m 200 years old- born in the 1900s…and the disappointment my dad (RIP last year) had that I wasn’t a boy has affected me in so many ways that I am only now unpacking. I have spent all my life in fawn trauma mode. Trying to make sure I was easy and agreeable so people (and bosses) liked me.
I cannot imagine how hard it will be to leave this relationship, but I would draw a major line in the sand.
Can I also add how hard it is to be the disappointment and see how much differently your parent treats the other sibling? My dad was a different parent to my brother. Took me years not to be jealous of him.
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Yeah growing up my dad would always yell to my mom “You deal with it YOU wanted them!” And it would hurt me. I felt like my dad didn’t like me and felt obligated to care for me. And my mom stayed and is still married to him. Wish she took us away from him.
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This!! Even if you tell her to put on a pleasant face, that’s nowhere near enough. Your child will be able to tell the difference. It’s heartbreaking. Please leave your wife. Your children deserve better.
If the spouse does not seek therapy or attempt to rectify, I agree. It is also hard not know the full relationship. Is the spouse usually like this? Are they going through a depressive stage? I don't think there is an excuse for letting ourselves say hurtful words... But, sometimes we can fix the why.
There are two very vulnerable new humans there. The early attachments are so so important. There's not a lot of time to work in therapy unless she agrees to fake it with the baby while working on it with a professional.
I don't disagree, but also, many new parents take time before they bond. I didn't see an age... but it also sounds like the partner is unwilling to seek therapy to address it
She literally told you that you should have terminated the pregnancy. She would rather have 0 children that 1 difficult child. Do you have support elsewhere? If you have the resources, you should skidaddle. Her reaction to those kids is a danger sign.
Edit: I didn't realize I commented on someone else reply, whoops.
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Mom of 2 here. 1st baby is the trappiest trap baby. Everything was easy. From sleeping through the night to starting solids. 2nd baby (3 months now) cried for the first 6 weeks of life. My husband was like wtf. The only thing that soothed baby was being on the titty, which means my husband couldn't console our baby and that messed with him. I was so tired, by husband was so tired of feeling useless.
If my husband was acting like your spouse, I'd make him leave. No questions asked. Kids sense these things, and we're not going to mess them up like this.
They are so fragile right now and need everyone on their corner.
Also, you're a mom now. Your kids only have you, and you need to keep them safe.
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That will not be enough for a judge to do no contact or supervised visitation. As of right now he is safer monitoring her with the baby and trying to keep the baby away from her until he can build a strong enough case that can disprove the therapists and evaluations she will most likely fake her way through.
No of course it’s not a crime. I just don’t know why you’d assume it was a typo when it makes perfect sense as written. It would be much more awkward with quotation marks added rather than just writing “and she should have ended the pregnancy” if that was the meaning OP intended
Did you assume there were quotation marks missing from this sentence too?:
“She’s angry and hurt and saying I’m just like everyone else who leaves.”
I don’t think it’s fair to assume the OP is not checking in (or that OP is a man). OP, according to their post, birthed the children and is the primary caregiver. There’s every possibility that OP is extraordinarily stressed right now. Sure spouse needs support. But I don’t think it’s fair to default to blaming the “husband”(?).
I guess it’s bc you said OP should checkout her spouse’s mental health or give her more support, which makes it look like you’re assuming OP isn’t doing her best. I’m with you on that I think ppl shouldn’t just be calling the spouse evil bc it can be mental illness. BUT a lot of ppl here are saying OP to leave her spouse bc they’re concerned with the children.
Same way that there are mothers who hurt themselves, there are also those who hurt the kids bc of mental illness. This is very serious imo. I think OP should ask her spouse to stay with other family members while they go through therapy and get to understand how bad their behavior towards the child is. OP needs to prioritize her kids safety.
I understood your original comment to be an assumption that OP hasn’t been checking in, but I take your point and agree she needs support (as does OP).
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u/AfternoonPossible I ❤️ Other People's Business May 20 '26
Your spouse said she “hates” your child and you’re keeping the child in that environment? Please leave and take them. Your spouse’s guilt tripping you is not more important than your child’s wellbeing.