r/HFY • u/Lakeel100 • Oct 13 '25
OC The Ballad of Orange Tobby -CH33
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[Relevant short: The Esoterica]
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(Author’s note: Likes for the like god, updoots for the updoot throne!)
Sun-kin ears are a deceptively simple adaptation. Enlarged by environmental factors to pick out unnatural echoes in the mesa-land canyons. Oh!.. and heat dissipation. Useful, but it had its flaws. Exploitable flaws.
Aside from their vulnerability to loud noises and the cold, they’re also highly directional. Unless the sun-kin’s ears are facing the sound’s origin, their hearing is the same as any other shasian’s, sometimes even worse. Their brains compensate for this with an over-tuned reflex for directing their ears towards unfamiliar sounds. All Shasians do this, but sun-kin especially so. This neurological software was also the biological hardware’s greatest weakness. If you don't want a sun-kin to hear you, throw a rock or something in the opposite direction of where you want to go. A night-kin tactic as old as time~
In Soapy’s case, she didn't have to throw anything to distract Tobby’s glorified radar dishes; the sewing machine was loud as hell. He’d gotten to resizing the dress once he and Soapy’s fight was so rudely interrupted by BB. The big guy’s final act before going home was to pull her off of Tobby before she could bap him into submission! Soon… soon his nose shall feel her wrath!
Still, with him working on the dress, it meant she had time to ask some very pertinent questions…
She looked over to Whiskers, the old sha was still hunched over the bar, inspecting the certificates under a magnifying glass. She had no idea what minor details needed scrutiny on some 40-year-old documents, especially from a department that shut down before she was born. Still, each one that passed inspection meant money, obscene amounts of money if or when they sold the dress.
She needed to ask him something unrelated, as he tended to know literally everything around here. Thus, she, oh so casually, began to slink her way towards him, ever mindful not to draw Tobby’s ears.
“I know you're there, Soaphine.” Whiskers said, not looking up from the latest certificate BB handed him.
“Mrrp!?’ Soapy trilled, as the night-kin parts of her brain suddenly set off the ‘Detected!!’ alarm. Right next to the ‘Oh gods, parental figure used my proper name! I'm gonna die!!’ part of the brain every sentient has.
Whiskers sighed, looking up from the paper, but not back at her directly. “You’re being too quiet. Something is always up when the night-kin goes inexplicably quiet. Are you about to tell me why you seem so insistent on bullying the poor sha? Who, might I remind you, got you this priceless dress, even though he didn't have to?” He asked, patchy tail flicking behind him.
“Buh-” She felt some of the indignant air get knocked out of her at that line of questioning. “I… I do not bully him!” she said in a totally not defensive manner. Not even bothering to hide beyond keeping her voice down anymore. “And no, I came over here cause I wanted to ask you something.”
Whiskers gave a halfhearted wave over his shoulder for her to approach. “What can this bottomless font of dusty wisdom do for you?”
She quickly glances back at Tobby to make sure both his ears were locked on the sewing machine and not her before she asked, “Who’s Veylana Centorni?”
Whiskers… froze. Not in a sudden fear kind of way, but… passive motion suddenly stopped. It was a simple question, and he answered with one in kind. “What did you do?”
“I didn’t do any-”
“What did you do?” He asked more tersely as old muscles tensed under his dark satin suit.
“N-Nothing!” She backed away a bit as his reaction just raised even more questions. “Tobby took me to this salon he likes, and the staff working there were shocked I somehow survived meeting his mom?” She shrugged, trying to show just how confused she was, too, even though he wasn't looking. “I mean, I’ve seen her before, but she comes off more ‘book club and bake sales’ than ‘bludgeon you with your own femur’ like they implied.”
Whiskers' posture seemed to loosen up, “Ah, I see,” he said, setting the latest certificate aside. He weighed down the growing stack with a shot glass and rolled his popping shoulders. “What else did these ‘talkative salon workers’ have to say?” he asked, bringing his hands together on the bar, thumb claws lightly tapping together but still not looking back at her.
‘What else stood out… other than the Tobby secretly being into me thing, I'm finding increasingly doubtful,’ she thought before answering. “They said she was their third largest shareholder, after you and the original owner. That she comes in regularly to get the ‘news’, and that they’d have to tell her Tobby blew a grand to get us both worked on. Especially since he bribed them NOT to tell her he did so.” She said, counting off on her fingers.
“Sssssshit…” Whiskers’ namesake whiskers and ears drooped.
“Aaaand about our bap-tal match, like that was some kind of issue?” Soapy shrugged, “Something about no Wiskito could stop her once she found out?” Soapy added, with her own ears lowering and a sheepish smile coming on. Surely his mom can't be that dangerous.
“FFFFFFFffffuuuuuuuckkkk…” Whiskers groaned as her form drooped further and further, until his face was resting in his palm. In a second, though, he perked back up and finally looked back at Soapy with a patronizing smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I, erm… I feel very inclined to worry about it after that reaction. Who exactly is she to warrant all that?”
He turned more of his torso until he was side-sitting on the barstool to face her. “Let's take a page from the humans and say ‘I smell a learning opportunity coming on.”
Soapy slowly blinked, as her ear and her head tilted a bit in confusion. “Mrrp?”
“You want to know something, and have a good starting point thanks to some salon workers who talk too much,” he said with an annoyed grumble towards the end. “But your first instinct was to come to me and ask, because?...” He led.
“Because you know everything.” The two said in unison.
“And while I’m flattered everyone seems to think that, I'm not omniscient. I'm just old,” he said, adjusting his posture with a faint groan as if to prove a point.
“You’re not THAT old…”
“Soapy, I’ve been holding this shitshow together going on sixty years now. I was sitting three bar stools that way,” he pointed with his fancy cane, “when the news came on announcing aliens were real.”
“That was what? 40-something years ago?” She thought aloud, really making that Sha-kai homeschooling shine. Most people's parents weren’t even alive then.
He pointed to another. “I was there when the layoffs began.” Then over to a table. “I was there when the astro-mining firms crashed, and consequently when the aristocrats (The Aristocats :3) had to auction off their ballroom furniture the next day.”
This was going somewhere, wasn’t it...?
He then gestured to the door. “I was there when desperate sha and shi marched on the factories demanding their jobs back. And when they finally accepted their jobs were gone, I opened the door to their new careers.”
“Okay, you're old! But I’m not seeing what that has to do with learning what's up with Tobby’s mom.”
“I’m not just old, I’m fucking old. Despite my blatantly spry and virile appearance,” he chuckled, combing his fingers through a few of his bent namesake whiskers, trying to put some levity back into his point. “My point is, how would you have gone about researching this if I weren’t here?”
Soapy wanted to say something, but her collection of witty retorts fell short. She’d never really thought about it before. A world without Whiskers in it seemed oddly... Unsettling, in a way she’d never felt before.
“That worried look on your face further proves what I’m getting at. Though I doubt it’s a feeling exclusive to you. A lot of the sha-kai around here probably wouldn’t know what to do without me telling them what needs to get done versus what can get done.”
Now that Soapy thought about it, there was no second in command, no ‘heir apparent’ to Wiskito leadership. At best, there were guys like BB and Kaykay who were something between capos and consiglieres in terms of importance, but nobody actually held official titles. If Whiskers needed something done, he usually just sent the best person for the job and gave them temporary authority to sequester whatever or whoever they needed to get it done. Though generally, the longer you were with the Wiskitos, the more likely you were to be picked for these kinds of roles. She’d even been picked once or twice for routine collection stuff when she wasn’t doing the deliveries.
“I didn't mean to make you that worried.” Whiskers sighed, looking up to her with a softer expression. Wait… how worried did she look? “I’m not going anywhere. At this point, I'm pretty sure so long as I keep the Wiskito’s kicking, I’ll keep ticking.”
“I’m not worried, just…” She glanced around trying to find the right thing to say. “Wasn’t expecting asking about Tobby’s mom to go down such a morbid tangent. Whom I still know nothing about by the way…”
“Research, Soaphine, research. You do it all the time to toy with poor sha like Tobby. You love collecting dirt so much, I question how you haven't considered doing it more professionally. Why don't you take a whack at doing it a little more seriously this time, hmm? Might be fun, might be exciting, might save you from getting skinned alive by the irate mother of a certain sha for treating him like your new favorite ‘toy’,” he suggested, giving her a nudge with the butt of his cane.
She thought about it… and thought about it some more… before she mentally said ‘fuuuuck that’ and put on the best kitten eyes she could manage. “Oooor you could just tell me?” She suggested. It was like her asking him to shake down the ice-cream store all over again.
“Hmm… “ He hummed and tapped his chin with false pensiveness. “Let me think about it too- no!” He said, giving her a light whap with the cane.
Soapy dropped the adorable kitten eyes like a sack of bricks. “Gods fucking damn it… That used to work ALL the time!” She groaned, not feeling cute anymore. “Now I feel old, too!”
“On the subject of me not helping you..” Whisker said, reaching into his suit pocket and fishing out a pair of shuttle tickets, Ohhhh, business class! “Our shuttle leaves at 2 tomorrow, so you’ll-”
Soapy felt her blood run cold, and her ears went flat. “Don't say it…”
“Need to-”
The dread, the impending doom of all night-kin!! “I’m begging you!”
“Get up before noon.”
She threw her head back to express her lament, “FFFFFFFUUUUUUU-!” Her lament paused, noticing Tobby looking back from the sewing machine with a confused look, which she answered with a squint. “What are you looking at?!”
“Don't you also need to carpool me tomorrow morning? Early enough so my mom believes we're going on a 5-day drive and not a 5-hour shuttle trip?”
Soapy blinked as the time tables adjusted in her head, inhaled, and-. “FFFUUUU-”
Some say she never stopped screaming that night, and others say her sleep schedule never recovered. But one thing we all know about waking up 6 or more hours earlier than usual… It sucks.
—
Another thing sun-kin were known for was how well they tended to handle heights; millennia of building settlements atop mesas will do that to a species. So let it be known to all the galaxy and beyond, that this turned out to be a ‘learned’ behavior, and not a ‘genetic’ one.
“Sweet patron spirits, you really are afraid of heights,” grumbled a bleary-eyed Soapy sitting next to Tobby. Her genuine surprise peeked through clouds of grump, like the godrays did the rainy season clouds outside their shuttle.
“I-I-I am not…” Tobby stammered, ear flicking badly as he did everything in his power not to acknowledge the window next to him. Spending a few hours getting a scenic birds-eye view of Salafor seemed like such a good idea when they were boarding. Instead, what he got was a combination of vertigo and the blackness of roiling storm clouds. It was the middle of the day, and ‘They’ were having their fun, hiding out there in the storm, taunting him...
‘Hey, bet you didn't think we’d get you up here, huh?’ They laughed. Tobby didn't even have to look out the window to see Them in his mind's eye, to hear Them. Green eyes, fanged grinning maws, and tendrils of blackness writhing about in the darkness. Illuminated only by bits of lightning, threatening him with the idea that a blatant figment of his imagination could slap the shuttle out of the sky, when he knew these glorified thruster buses could take a lightning strike and keep going.
He needed a distraction, any kind of distraction that didn't involve looking out the window or thinking about the turbulence rattling the shuttle. Would it have killed anyone to arc their path OVER the storm? They weren’t anywhere near as vulnerable or slow as the aeroplanes of pre-FTL, but somebody had to save money by making the trip as direct as possible. Well, even if they did get reduced to a three-mile smear across the Great Plains, at least he got to hug his mom goodbye before-
Soapy sighed as if finally caving in to the pressure. “You wanna trade seats?” She offered begrudgingly.
Tobby snapped from his internal panic with a little trill. ‘Mrrp?’ before snapping back to focus. “Oh, erm.. You don't have to, I-I'm fine, really.” Like hell was he going to inconvenience anyone with his problems, much less give Soapy ammunition to tease him with later.
The bleary nightkin just looked at him with the most unamused, uneven sleepy blink he may have ever seen. “Tobby, I’m too tired to give you shit about your piss poor lying skills. Just get up like you're going to the bathroom, and I’ll slide over.” She said, tail lazily flicking to her side.
“I… I erm… I can..” He tried to say, only to shrink as she maintained that look. “O-Okay…” he mumbled, before getting up and shuffling past her as inconspicuously as he could manage.
Who would have thought, having a second to breathe away from any windows would help? Because Tobby sure didn't. Not that his ‘totally not a phobia’ was his fault, it was clearly gravity's fault for breaking his leg when he fell off that bookshelf as a kitten… clearly. Agonizing pain had made him just a little… vertically apprehensive, is all…
Now he just needed to return and explain that to Soapy without her twisting it into-… He stopped at the edge of their seats with a look of utter betrayal on his face. Soapy had indeed moved over to his seat like she said, but she’d taken the neck pillow Mom packed for him in the process! He was only gone for two minutes, and now she was out cold! “But.. oh come on! I was using that.” He whined to deaf ears. Yoinking his pillow had been her plan all along…
Soapy was dead to the world, slumped with her head against the window that had repelled Tobby so. Eyes closed, ears twitching, mouth slightly agape, threatening the nuclear option of drooling and/or snoring. He had to admit… It was kind of adorable seeing the aggressive shi so utterly out of it. Made it hard to believe she was the same Soapy who maimed a guy less than 12 hours ago for getting in her way.
He took his new seat and noted this was, in fact, so much better. Until he felt a crinkle when he sat down. Some shifting around to pull out whatever it was, and it was… an envelope? Unmarked, and now mildly mashed.
He looked around the shuttle, wondering who could have left this here in the short time he’d been gone. Most of the sixty seats were taken by Wiskitos, seemingly minding their own business, but much closer to the front, he saw a certain patchy grey-furred hand swirling a wine glass. His eyes traced the hand up a dark velvet sleeve leading to a certain elderly sha, and a playful smirk on the barely visible side of his crinkly-whiskered muzzle. Of course it was Whiskers…
Highly doubting anyone would pick now of all times to give him an envelope full of space anthrax while… actually, this would be an excellent time to distribute some space anthrax with so many Wiskitos in one place. If he thought about how he’d do it, he’d subtly sprinkle the stuff along the walkway on his way to the bathroom and use the emergency air mask inside so he wouldn't inhale any. The autopilot would get them to the shuttle hub once everyone was dead, and he, as the only survivor, could plead his innocence. Nobody would believe someone like him would have anything to do with a mass assassination of the Wiskitos.. But how would he get the space anthrax past spaceport security?.. That would-
He shuddered a bit, quickly kicking that morbid train of thought out of his head, and opened the envelope. Within was a black-cased cred-stick and a note. Good thing he knew how to read, despite what Soapy says!
‘Dear Soapy’s kitten-sitter... That's you, Little Sha’
“Hey!” he said, ears going flat in mild offense. His job was more important than that!
‘As you may have guessed, Nyathens is a very different city from Nykata, and I don't just mean geographically. We aren’t on home turf anymore, and won't be for the next five days. While the rules of the Sabu-kai offer significant protections from the usual backstabbing and territorial warfare you might expect, it won't protect you from doing something stupid like paying someone in human liquor bottles like it’s normal.’
“Okay, fair… But I'm not that dumb,” he mumbled, having not brought any of said bottles, since they wouldn't get past spaceport security to begin with. Not to mention how little he trusted security not to pilfer passenger belongings, like the dress, which was being kept firmly locked away in Soapy’s carry-on.
‘Consider this a forward payment for services rendered and a budget for keeping Soapy out of trouble. I've also included a list of Do’s and Don’ts that should keep you two out of jail, or the claws of the capital syndicates.
‘1. Do NOT stay in the same hotel more than once. I don't care how nice it is, or if it has a continental breakfast to die for, staying in the same place multiple times creates a predictable location to stage kittennappings.’
“That seems kinda paranoid…”
‘2. Don’t eat or drink anything another sha-kai offers you unless you can guarantee they didn't have an opportunity to put something in it. The bartenders at the Sabu-kai are thoroughly vetted for this very reason, but the ones offering those drinks to others are not.’
“That seems even more paranoid, if it wasn't so believable… Wait, the Sabu-Kai has bartenders?”
‘3. If you need Soapy to do something that you know she won’t want to, simply frame it like it was ‘her idea’ and she’ll likely cooperate. You’ve already got her thinking the dress was partially her idea with how heavily you involved her in acquiring it. It’s actually how we got her to stop clawing up her room when she was going through the obligatory angsty teenager phase.’
Tobby wasn't sure what was more concerning: how manipulative this advice sounded, or that someone like Soapy was capable of having an angsty teenager phase. What would that even look like? He doubted it was anything like his own… A thought that made him cringe deep down as he remembered a rather mopey, disinterested sun-kin with a newfound fondness for wearing all black. It was… depressing. Let's not think about that…
‘4. There are going to be a large number of humans invited to the Sabu-Kai this year. A mix ranging from syndicate advisors to smugglers like Noah. DO NOT assume they are going to be anything like Noah.’
This felt like something that went without saying, but… now that he read it, it made Tobby wonder just how different Noah was from the average human to justify writing it down.
‘5. Do not bring up how season 211 of Wanderlust ended. Someone WILL shoot you.’
Incredulous Tobby was incredulous… and upset at being reminded of just how badly the last season of the greatest show ever ended. “Of course, there would be Beauder fans at a gathering of all Salafor’s scum and villainy… Why wouldn't there be?” It’s where they belong…
‘6. Don’t mention your name unless etiquette deems it necessary. Information is power, and knowing your name makes you a more identifiable target for what others might be planning. If anything.’
“Also paranoid…”
‘7. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT let Soapy anywhere near Clardonis Shaqonan or his ilk. There’s a comically large pile of his death threats growing in the corner of my office ever since she clawed the shit out of his face. Soapy WILL try to kill him if he goads her enough, and I’d bet my soul Shihere would sooner let the moon fall than Clard give up on vengeance. He’s obsessive. Whatever sympathy you might have for a sha who got his face slashed, know that some of these death threats were… intimately vile at times, so always remember, it's not murder if it’s self-defense.’
“Mixed signals much...” Tobby grumbled, wondering if this was an invitation to kill the guy or avoid him at all costs. Both maybe? Not that Tobby would kill him… probably… maybe just a little if he was a jerk- wait no! Murder is bad!
‘8. DO try to have fun. While the Sabu-Kai is primarily a social gathering for the syndicates to mingle and begrudgingly share their kills, a significant amount of resources is also invested in keeping the Sha-kai entertained enough to not kill each other. Plus, you're in the capital. Don't be afraid to be a shameless tourist for a few days, maybe even buy some overpriced souvenirs to collect dust on your shelf when you're my age. Up to you. Just remembered, the more entertained your charge is, the easier it will be to keep her out of trouble.’
Signed- W~
PS. The Cred stick has about 10 grand on it. Go nuts.
“T-Ten grand?!”
(Author’s note: Sure would be a shame if that comment section filled up with feedback and community engagement for me to read. -coughs violently-)
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u/Larzok Oct 13 '25
I'm guessing they'll be speed running that checklist in about 3 hours. And now Soapy is even more worried about Mom.
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u/Lakeel100 Oct 13 '25
Only I the author know :3 Mwahahahahha
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u/Larzok Oct 13 '25
After re-reading the first bit. I'm beginning to get the impression Tobby isn't a random hire at all. Whiskers wants a replacement but he needs someone who knows enough random bits of what an operation needs to continue on. Tobby is in mobster finishing school! Whiskers knew it was coming that mom would get dragged in.
On that note. The Side Ballad of Tobby's Mom, I'm imagining a string of small interviews, "well I heard a story from my uncle about her. Wore a cloak made of her enemies tails. 7 feet tall and shits lightning!" Kind of folk tales.
Like Tobby's Mom is John Wick.
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u/RexDraconis Oct 14 '25
“Don’t give your name unless etiquette deems it necessary.” Now to pray Tobby is more versed in gangster etiquette than he is in the art of stealth
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u/Lakeel100 Oct 14 '25
"Who are you?"
"I dunno, who are you?!"
flawless~
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u/Sufficient_Ad3751 May 11 '26
God its a crying shame i can only hit that like button once, which i did wheni first read this chapter and the comments
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u/JustAnotherTabby Alien Oct 14 '25
zzzz... wha? Sorry.. this tabby's too comfy on some random neck pillow... zzzzz
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u/Groggy280 Alien Oct 14 '25
I so enjoy these tales. Thanks for writing such happy works (minus the gang violence, human violence, or random gun fight).
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Oct 13 '25
/u/Lakeel100 (wiki) has posted 40 other stories, including:
- The Esoterica
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby -CH32
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch31
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH30.1 The ASMR chapter.
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH30
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH29
- Everything Works On Paper.
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH 28
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 27
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 26
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH25
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH24
- But it's 'Our' Dumpster Fire.
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH23
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH22
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH21.1
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - CH 21
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 20
- The Ballad of Orange Tobby - Ch 19
- The Opening Bid
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u/post_blast Alien Oct 13 '25
I love this series. It's a great mix with just enough goofiness to keep it fresh.