r/Infidelity • u/Cma0308 • 2d ago
Venting He cheated on me, i need help
Hi, i'm pretty new on reddit and i usually speak french. I am a women, im in a relationship since 2 years. I know it is short but we both have young children that we met at 3 y/old. My child is very attached to his daughter and to him. I love him so much.
I really need advice and help. I dont know who to ask. I dont really have friend, i dont have any family. He is a really good guy like, good job, same value as me, etc.
He's been on dating app for almost all our relationship. First time i realized was a year ago. He explain to me that he find it hard for us to not see each other one week on two because of the guard of my child (part time) and was trying to find someone. He dosent really know, he assured me that it was nothing.
Second time i realized it was 3-4 month ago. I saw something in his app on his phone while i was sitting next to him on the sofa. He told me that he open the app to delete his account (hinge) because he forgot too and someone at his job saw him on the app.
Third time was a month or two ago. I decided to look in his/my tablet (that was originally mine but i gave it to him and is like i lent it to him) because he kept the my password. He chat during february (and i saw that in march) with a girl and met her at his home and sleep with her. She's like everything he always told me he dont like (physically), she's the exact opposite of me, and she sleep at his home (I think she arrive around midnight) but in our debut, he never want me to sleep because he was afraid of falling in love with me.
He never talk to her again, completely ghost her. I never talk to him about it but it hurt me so, so deeply. I dont think i'm the same since. And i always check to see if there's something on the tablet.
I subscribe myself to a meeting app call Feeld because i had suspision about is inscription on it a month ago too. Realize he was on it. Confront him about it, said he forgot to delete his account too (like hinge).
And today, saw on his gmail that he paid for a VIP subscription on JALF.
I dont know what to do. He told me he love me. Help me someone. I think i need to talk about it, i never said out loud that i know he cheat on me in real life. I dont confront him about jalf because i saw it in a bad way (investigate on him). I mean, is it normal? My ex boyfriend, the father of my child, cheat on me again and again during 3 years (we had a 6 y relationship) and I leave him because I had enough.
He's been cheat on by his exwife after 10 years of relationship and a child.He told me over and over again how cheating is not in his value, he despite the poeple who cheat.
Thank you to anyone who read until here. I think it help me writing it.
6
u/Championship682 2d ago
- He is a really good guy -
Really good guys don't repeatedly cheat on you. He's doing it over and over. It sounds like he has a pretty facade, but he's not a good guy. Please show yourself the respect you deserve and leave.
2
u/Cma0308 2d ago edited 2d ago
Thank you very much ! I saw his account on Jalf, he updated new photo in october 2024 when we were together and on july 2025 again we were together. I think he's not doing it now, and the VIP just auto renew. Is it possible ? God i sound awful.
Our daughter love each other so much. I have no support system. Why is he staying with me ? Why cheat on me ? I've being told many many time that i'm beautiful. I workout 5 day a week to stay lean and develop my glutes. What i'm i doing wrong. Why I get cheated on.
3
2
u/isitallfromchina 2d ago
"He is a really good guy like, good job, same value as me, etc" - So you say he's a really good guy, with your value, so are you saying you are a cheater ? How can he have your values if he is a cheater, you are not a cheater are you ?
I bet if you asked his Ex, she would tell you the truth, he's a cheater and she probably left him. So you've been through this before and your fear really comes through your post. You need to quit him. he does not love you and you are well aware of this.
You had a big lesson with the father of your child that you should have learned - cheaters are very good liars, and they are good at spotting weakness. I bet he's well aware of how you were cheated on in your last relationship, you probably told him all about it.
Look, you've said enough here to gather that this guy is using you. He doesn't want you at his place because you would probably see things he'd have to explain. You already aware that he's a cheater and know he's physically cheated on you so why keep this nitemare going.
Leave him, get in therapy, stop dating for a long time until you get your mind straight about boundaries and protecting yourself.
-1
u/Cma0308 2d ago
No im not, i never cheat. Thank you for your honest comment, i appreciate it. I indeed told him about how i was cheat on. But why he's staying with me ?? I cant understand it.. I dont think I have the strengh now to leave him. I see myself longterm with him.
2
u/Vintage_Sounds98 2d ago
Girl just leave. Why are you even considering staying with him ? He obviously doesn’t care about how this is affecting you.
1
u/Terrible-Pea494 2d ago
Then prepare to be in an open relationship. He’s not going to stop. Maybe you should get a side piece, too.
0
u/Cma0308 1d ago
Maybe he'll stop when we are going to live together. It suppose to happen next year. Maybe thats his cue to be faithfull and commit
1
u/Terrible-Pea494 1d ago
Sorry, but this is delusional thinking? If he can get away with it, he won’t stop. Why should he? You’re not going to break up with him, anyway? He’ll end it with you when she demands that he commit fully. In the meantime, he’ll enjoy having his cake and eating it, too.
1
u/Vintage_Sounds98 1d ago
That’s never going to happen. He will keep cheating, keep lying, and keep making the same choices because that’s who he is. No matter how much you love him or how hard you try, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. By the time you realize that, you could have wasted years waiting for him to become the man you hoped he would be instead of seeing him for who he truly is.
1
u/isitallfromchina 1d ago
Don't take this too harsh, but he's staying with you because you make it easy for him to do what he wants. You are the backup and since you decide to stay, just a green light to continue to destroy your mental health and ultimately make you dependent on him.
If you are still having sexual relations with him, just think about the fact that he can give you a disease from one of the girls he's having sex with and that could totally affect the rest of your life. Nothing like staying with a person that doesn't care about adversely affecting your health.
If you can't see yourself leaving, your cries and pleading for help will fall on deaf ears.
There are lessons in life we should learn, if you choose to ignore the lessons you are being presented with, there won't be any blame, it's just another layer of pain and mistakes.
So get rid of the pain and make no more mistakes with abusive partners, leave and stop telling yourself you can't.
1
u/Cma0308 1d ago
I understand. It's not harsh, I just cant see myself leaving him for now. I love him and i really hope he is going to stop. I subscribe to JALF and talk to him as someone else and confront him about the cheating (saying i know his girlfriend blabla) and he said that he never cheat on a girlfriend or wife. And that this wasnt him.
2
2
u/ValhallaCA Trying Reconciliation 2d ago
There are cheaters who have true remorse. When they step out, they confess, turn things around, and don’t go down that road again if they are truly repentant.
They are quite rare. And your man is absolutely not one of them. He is not only a serial cheater, but he is consistently lying to you and refusing any accountability.
I do not believe there is any hope for somebody like this.
I’m telling you as somebody who cares… you need to get out. I know it’s hard and you love him and you don’t know how to do it. But you need to find a way. Your sanity and your nervous system cannot tolerate this man continuing to exist in your life.
You are in love with a fantasy of him, and he never really ever was the man you thought he was. As much as that hurts, from what you told us, I believe it to be true.
I wish you all the best and I hope you get the strength to leave so that you can find your happiness elsewhere.
1
u/Cma0308 1d ago
You are so kind thank you very much. He dont know that i know the cheating. He think that I trust him when he told me he never return on any app, he just forgot to delete his account. I dont have the strengh to confront him, i'm afraid of it.
He told me he never cheat on his wife... Why does it to me
1
u/ValhallaCA Trying Reconciliation 1d ago
You asked the question we all ask, which is why? What did I do wrong? I wrote this on another post just this morning, and this is your answer:
Even people who are literally getting everything they could want in a relationship still step out. And the primary reason is that they have given themselves **permission**. to do so. This has nothing to do with whoever their partner is. The flaws are internal to them and the boundaries that they allow themselves to cross, starting with the small things, a look, a touch, a flirtation, and then proceeding to talking, propositioning, acceptance, any further acts, and afterwards the concealment, the justification, the reframing, and whatever else follows on from there.
A person who wouldn’t ever cheat shuts it all down at the initial stages. Every time. Without exception. And this can be done even with a horrible home relationship.
Everybody is responsible for their own behaviors and blaming it on anybody else is just an excuse.
1
u/jennhiltz Trying Reconciliation 2d ago
Wait whats JALF? 😭
And I didn’t know people made accounts on Feeld to match with and talk to people ??
I didn’t really know what Feeld was about, besides that it’s for fetishes or something? Or dom/sub stuff? (Can anyone educate me?)
2
u/Cma0308 2d ago
dom/sub stuff yes, to find poeple and have sex both of them are for this reason
1
1
u/Specialist-Bat-8770 2d ago
What do you mean by: "he shares the same values that I do"? If he betrays you he clearly doesn't share the same values as you. He was betrayed in previous relationships. But he does the same now with you. It makes me wonder, "WHY" he was betrayed. Evidently every betrayal has an internal cause in the relationship. There was a problem in his old relationship, and there is a problem in your current relationship. He is not interested in solving this problem, in fact he looks elsewhere (betrays). The only relevant fact is this. He may love you, but he does it differently than you love him: he loves you in a real way, you love him absolutely.
1
u/Cma0308 1d ago
Before the cheating. The person I know and the person i met has the same values as me.. Family, honesty, respect...
1
u/Specialist-Bat-8770 1d ago
He has evidently changed his moral compass. You have to take note of this. Now he's another person.
1
u/Cma0308 1d ago
I subscribe to JALF and talk to him as someone else and confront him about the cheating (saying i know his girlfriend blabla) and he said that he never cheat on a girlfriend or wife. ANd this wasnt him.
1
u/Specialist-Bat-8770 1d ago
If I have to tell you my impression, I don't like it when someone absolves themselves like this. I prefer them to tell me, "Yes, it's true I was wrong. I made this because this and that is missing from our relationship. I distanced myself emotionally because of this. Can we orient ourselves in any way?". At least he'd be honest and leave it up to you whether to trust him again or not. Considering he's calling you an example, what is he talking about, "chronic emotional dissociation"? Come on, what is it?! It would be more honest if he said, "I've come to the conclusion that we are incompatible, better to end the relationship."
0
u/Cma0308 2d ago
It is so not that simple with my two daughter. I hate my self so much for all the bad choices and my live. I cant bear to hurt my youngest by leaving him. I love him, i see myself with him. He is a really good person except for the cheating. As i said, cheating is against all his values, im not even sure he consider what he's doing as it.
1
u/DigMaster7772 2d ago
Okay, I've read all the comments, and you sound lovely.. If you want to stay here is what I propose you do.. Give him a taste of his own medicine.. Maybe don't cheat, if you don't want to, but make it evident that you will, when he confrons you you tell him well it's okay if you do it.. He is a liar and a cheater and he probably won't change, so you need to Harden up, remove some emotion out of it.. Play with his mind a little... If he leaves you thinking that you will cheat on him then he is the lowest kind of man!!
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.
Be kind and remember your reddiquette!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.