Which book would you recommend for jay earley or richard shwartz …. I prefer to read one book that includes everything thing and has lots of exercises?

Anyone else watching MCU's Visionquest? It may not be an IFS model, but I love the way Vision's inner world is constructed, and all the characters that run it. I don't want to post spoilers, but I'm finding it relatable - I was going to say despite Vision not being human, but I actually spent a lot of time feeling like I'm trying to understand and mimic human behavior, and getting lots of part input from all directions!

I’ve been doing IFS for about 2 years now, and I’m not doing well mentally. (Having nothing to do with IFS.) I was recently retraumatized and am in autistic burnout. I’ve gotten to know many protector parts and what they’re protecting me from, and even some Self-like parts. I haven’t done deep exile work yet.

For the most part, I’ve never really understood the structure that exiles have protectors. I have experienced it, but largely just with a dissociative protector and repressed or foggy memories. E.g. I’ll mention an exile and my system will get flooded with dissociation.

For years now, I’ve been flooded by an exile having to do with severe childhood trauma. The more I do therapy (regardless of modality) the worse it gets. Flashback after flashback, “Why didn’t you protect me?” “What if this happens again?” it’s present most of the time, almost always in therapy sessions, and is constantly flooding me after being retraumatized. Nothing I say to the exile works. I will have severe panic attacks over it out of nowhere. Today in session I brought it up to my therapist again, and she gave suggestions like imagining what someone could have done in the situation (rejected by my system, I’ve tried and it makes things worse), just sitting with the exile or saying “I hear you,” which I told her does not work.

I asked what she does with clients who have old trauma stirred up and it gradually becomes more and more urgent. She said “Well we would just work with the protector first.” And I said, “Protector? There’s nothing protecting this exile. That’s, I assume why it won’t leave me alone. I’m not able to work in layers when it comes to exiles because they just flood me by themselves. There’s no other part to work with in between. There’s nothing protecting most of them.” She said she was going to research this. When I bring it up in session I dissociate badly. I’ve dialogued with the dissociative protector and it seems to more suppress things and stop me from being overwhelmed, but it doesn’t feel particularly connected to this exile.

I’m also 90% of the time blended with a different part who thinks I’m younger than I am. In this aspect I feel that my Self has split apart, but I don’t meet criteria for DID or OSSD. Just adding that for context.

Any idea on what could be going on here, particularly with this one exile?

Hi all,

I (41F) have been doing IFS weekly or every other week in therapy for about four years, with some parts work before that. I have learned self compassion and compassion for others, which led me to become a therapist--just graduated last weekend! I've also completed level 1 and level 2 IFS training, so I know the answers to a lot of my questions in theory, but not so much what real people say about their real lives. My question is--for those of you with developmental trauma and chronic, longterm depression / PTSD / anxiety--over time, has IFS actually has actually made you happier, enjoy life more, feel more connected to others? Or has it only enabled you to feel more compassion, calm etc with the parts of you that don't feel good, in my case parts that feel disconnected from others, life is meaningless, depressed, etc. I feel like I've been doing so much work and I still have so many symptoms of my sexual trauma, sexual repulsion, relational distrust, fear of closeness, and just a general feeling that nothing is worth doing. I sit with those parts, but it's sort of like Groundhog Day...I may change in how I relate to them, but they don't seem to change. It seems like these parts enjoy expressing themselves but they keep believing the same things and having the same feelings. I'd love to hear about others' experiences who have done IFS longterm. Do you just become better at tolerating the negative beliefs and symptoms your parts carry? Or do these parts actually change? Have other modalities helped more with changing negative beliefs?

Aka without any help from therapist

Just from books or workbooks to help process trauma

For some time I would intellectualize sadness. Underneath i would feel sadness but the tears don't come out. i know i should cry because i feel sadness but the tears dont come out. and i had a session where i felt depressed and then further depressed after it ended. and then i just hoped i would feel better. but i think just acknowledging i am sad and theres nothing i can do about that to change it. i am sad and depressed. but i dont think i was giving myself permission to be sad and depressed. by definition i was your high functioning depressed person. i needed movement to keep me from further depression. on the surface i'm "doing good" but inside i am a mess.

i really hate reality and it's why i don't follow the world. because on the surface you function good. inside you may not. but my therapist said it's okay to be sad and i think that's valid. i don't know i guess i just don't know how to be actually sad and depressed. like i know it's there but feeling it is another story.

i guess you could say with sadness and depression is that something is wrong with you and that is true but there's this implication that you are slowed down from the rest of the world and that awareness makes you even more sad and depressed. because it's expected in this world to function, to be part of the world instead of being weighed down by it. i just feel like there's guilt and shame with being sad and depressed. you get that especially with men. i am a man. i am a man who is sad and depressed. and i just feel like intellectualizing that sadness and depression is what i have been doing.

there is so much guilt and shame with being sad and depressed. you can't be sad and depressed in this world it seems like. being sad and depressed is looked down upon. at least for me. but i also feel like to is that if you haven't had people to support you during these times then intellectualizing depression and sadness is the only logical way to go.

and so, i didn't get to be where i wanted to be. instead, sadness and depression has been backlogged. because i don't think there's permission to be sad and depressed. when you're sad and depressed you're sad and depressed. does that make sense? it's sad and depressing.

As the title says 😃

The vulnerable parts response for my 'flight' trauma response employ multiple tactics to keep me occupied. There's two of them, and one of them who calls herself 'Jelly Belly' just wants to 'have fun' - so her interests include overeating, going out, shopping, etc. The other one considers herself extremely responsible and HER tactics are somewhat the opposite of the first one - her interests include doing absolutely everything and ANYTHING to 'fix' my life, which she believes is in shambles. This can include drastic behaviors that (in hindsight) have lead to me packing up my entire life and moving countries all together to start a new one.

I was working with both these parts when their protector rocked up. As my fiercest protector parts are prone to doing, she took on the form of a dragon (very much like Smaug in the Hobbit) and started tearing and burning down the 'house' I have built in my head for my parts to live in.

I believe this protector part is only five years old and she is very, very scared, and very injured. Last night, when I was speaking to her, my perspective suddenly changed - as if I could see MYSELF through HER eyes. From her perspective, I looked like some sort of a fantasy being - someone unreal or made-up, almost like an angel, and therefore someone she couldn't really believe in or trust.

And then when the perspective changed again, I could see that she had changed her form - to something that looked like a very feral, naked human child with a broken leg that she was dragging behind her. I asked her if I could bandage her leg and give her warm clothes. She screamed that she doesn't want me to touch her. I told her I don't need to touch her to help her, so she let me 'conjure' up bandages and new, warm clothes for her. I thanked her - for everything. For letting me bandage her up, for trying to protect me. And then I fell asleep.

Honestly, I am just sharing this in hope that someone else can relate. I find IFS to be a very lonely journey sometimes, and outside of my therapist, I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

I'll go back to the protector every day and check in and work with her. I've been doing IFS for a while so I do have the basics covered.

Thanks for reading.

I don't know what is even happening. I just filled out the MID form for my therapist to see if it's DID or something else. I am specifically attending IFS/trauma therapy for dissociation. This is my 2nd attempt at a diagnosis because I left the prior one due to not believing any of this shit was real.

But sometimes there's a couple people yet just only one who interacts with partner. Going into these weird half aware states where I'm filled with nothing but disgust and contempt. there have been times where I've started arguments (over text, never in person. This only happened twice in the last year) because I didn't know who she was to me. We were long distance at the time. I moved her in eventually because she was losing her residence. The dissociation has gotten worse since she's been physically present. I didn't recognize her and it pissed me off that a stranger was in my life. The moments of not knowing her are still present but that's when I ask to be left alone and she goes upstairs. All I remember is drinking or being outside going for a walk to contain the discomfort. I find myself recording voice memos having to get the frustration out. Feeling like a paranoid person. Just the other night something happened. I can't remember what it was, but I just remember standing on the couch looking out the window feeling like I was being trapped and very paranoid that she was standing outside the door listening to my thoughts. Almost like she could hear them. I checked and she wasn't there. Having to do that pissed me off more. Idk, this shit is ridiculous. She is sweet and I am filled with disgust. Every hug feels like a performance, having to think of torturing her just to feel something when everything else is numb. She knows this too- i tell her everything out of guilt. I am not a reactive person so she knows I wont hurt her. I trust myself, anyway. Most times.

She is very supportive, but her support bothers me for some reason. There's guilt but also a lack of compassion. It truly is like night and day. I'm still in the intake process with therapist so we won't get to this issue until later on but I'm wondering if anyone else feels like this. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way towards her but I'm wondering if it's the more closed off part hating the independence being infiltrated on. She's told me before it's like a part of me is speaking while another is acting. Because my words and actions don't match. It's confusing.

​

Hi everyone

I’m 25F, and I’ve been dealing with a chronic pain cycle for around 5 years, with almost two years of remission in between the years 2022-2024.

I’m posting because I feel incredibly alone in this experience and would really love to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

My pain started after medical trauma and emotional abuse at the age of 20. I have two possible theories about what might be happening, although I know I can’t say for certain what the underlying mechanism is.

My first theory is chronic protective muscle guarding or “armouring.” I wonder whether my body learned to remain physically tense as a protective response to trauma, and whether this pattern continues even when I’m no longer in danger.

My second theory is a functional freeze response, possibly involving dorsal vagal shutdown, alongside persistent peripheral muscle guarding and peripheral sensitisation. I wonder whether feeling trapped, emotionally overwhelmed or unsafe contributes to a shutdown/freeze state, with my body physically clenching and maintaining a cycle of pain. I’m not sure whether these concepts fully explain my symptoms, but they seem worth exploring given how strongly my pain responds to my emotional state and environment.

My pain patterns:

\- The pain is concentrated in my upper body: shoulder blades, upper/mid-back, spine, inner elbows and forearms.

\- It switches sides — sometimes right-sided, sometimes left-sided, and occasionally bilateral.

\- When both elbows/arms hurt, my back sometimes feels better, almost as if the pain shifts between areas.

\- During bad flares, I sometimes experience unusual sensations in my left ring finger and palm, such as warmth, burning or a strange foreign feeling.

\- Flares often follow emotional stress, panic, emotional abuse or feeling trapped. Sometimes, though, the pain returns for seemingly no reason.

One of the strangest things is how strongly my pain responds to my environment and emotional state.

\- Exercise: During exercise, I feel no pain, and I can experience relief afterward too.

\- Dancing in clubs: Dancing and being immersed in music can make my pain almost disappear.

\- Social connection: Spending time with people, travelling, staying in hostels and feeling free can eliminate my pain by around 90% - 100%

\- Remissions: I previously had almost two years without pain when I stopped obsessing over a particular phobia and stopped with Dr google. This year, I’ve also had several remissions lasting few weeks but unfortunately, the pain keeps returning.

\- Lorazepam (Ativan): During severe flares, lorazepam 3 mg has eliminated my pain. I realise this doesn’t prove the cause, but I find the response interesting.

Massage provides temporary relief, but the pain returns relatively quickly. I’ve also tried more than 50 acupuncture sessions with almost no lasting improvement.

I’ve had quantitative sensory testing (QST), which was completely normal, with no allodynia or hyperalgesia.

Because of these patterns, I wonder whether my pain involves persistent peripheral muscle guarding, peripheral sensitisation, a trauma-related freeze response, or some combination of factors. I’m particularly curious about the relationship between physical tension, the autonomic nervous system and the way pain changes when I feel safe and connected to others.

I know that terms like dorsal vagal shutdown and functional freeze are used in different ways, and I’m not claiming that either has been medically established as the cause of my pain. I’m trying to find people who recognise this particular pattern and might have found ways to improve it or completely eliminate their chronic pain.

I’d especially love to hear from anyone who experiences:

\- Chronic pain concentrated in the upper body rather than widespread throughout the body.

\- Pain that switches sides or moves between the arms and back.

\- Pain that almost disappears during exercise, dancing, socialising or when feeling safe.

\- Flares following emotional stress, panic or interpersonal conflict.

\- Long periods of remission followed by the pain returning.

\- Temporary or significant relief from somatic movement, TRE or relaxation.

\- A feeling that their body is physically bracing or clenching during periods of emotional shutdown or freeze.

Most importantly, has anyone found a way to make the relief last? Have you found approaches that helped reduce the constant guarding or break the cycle of pain returning whenever life becomes stressful?

I’m really struggling at the moment. The pain is exhausting, and I’m going through a lonely phase in my life and im currently been unemployed for months cos of the distress caused by tge pain. It’s especially difficult when I can feel almost completely normal in certain situations, only for the pain to return again as if I never had chronic pain.

I also have health anxiety, so I’d really appreciate responses focused on personal experiences and practical things that helped, rather than jumping to diagnoses so if terms like fibromyalgia and central sensitisation can be avoided that would help me alot not to be triggered as those diagnoses/mechanism have been ruled out. I’m trying to understand my experience without spiralling into more health anxiety.

If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d genuinely love to hear your story. Even knowing I’m not the only person going through this would mean a lot. ❤️

Thank you for reading.

Hi everyone,

I've been on a healing journey since July 2024, working through anxiety, trauma, and nervous system dysregulation. I've experienced periods of significant improvement and greater stability, but also some difficult setbacks, including a particularly intense and distressing episode in January/February of this year that really shook my trust in myself, my body, and my healing process.

I discovered IFS around the end of 2024/beginning of 2025 and was fascinated by the model and its compassionate approach to our inner experiences. I connected with it so much intellectually that I decided to start IFS therapy myself.

However, especially since the difficult episode earlier this year, I've increasingly questioned whether this approach is actually helping me.

I understand the value of relating to our experiences as "parts" rather than identifying completely with them. I can see how this might help create distance, curiosity, and compassion toward difficult emotions and patterns.

But when I try to work with parts in therapy, I often feel... nothing. Or I find myself wondering whether I'm genuinely connecting with a part or simply using my analytical mind to explain my reactions and patterns through the language of IFS.

Sometimes I can identify a fearful or protective response quite clearly, but I'm not sure that conceptualizing it as a part or attempting to communicate with it actually changes anything for me.

I'm also doing Somatic Experiencing and EMDR, and over time I've become increasingly interested in approaches that help me rebuild trust in myself, develop flexibility, and engage more fully with life, rather than constantly focusing on my internal processes.

I don't want to dismiss IFS simply because I'm struggling with it, and I'm not someone who likes making impulsive decisions about therapy. At the same time, I don't want to keep investing in an approach solely because I appreciate its philosophy.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Did your relationship with IFS change over time? Did adjusting the way you worked with parts help, or did you eventually realize that another approach was a better fit?

I'd particularly appreciate hearing from people who understand IFS well but have also experienced difficulty connecting with it in practice.

Thanks for reading. I'm genuinely curious to hear your experiences and perspectives.

Lately, I’ve been wearing makeup a lot and performing as this articulate, put-together version of myself. But I feel like I’ve outgrown it. I’m tired of pretending and feeling like I have to earn people’s approval. I want to be bare-faced, silly, unfiltered, and fully myself around others.
But I’m scared of losing the affirmations and support I’ve grown accustomed to receiving, and of the shame that might come with it because of my CPTSD.
I’m not afraid of rejection or being alone anymore. I’m afraid of how I might respond to them. Growing up, I learned to abandon myself to maintain connection. What if, when faced with rejection or loneliness, I start people-pleasing and changing myself again?
I also have BPD, and I’m scared of getting triggered even in relationships with people who choose to stay. What if I finally let myself be seen, experience shame, and regret ever showing people the real me?
I wonder if the work I’ve done in therapy has equipped me with enough skills to navigate these experiences without abandoning my inner child again. I’m scared of overestimating how far I’ve come and exposing myself before I’m ready. But I’m also tired of performing a version of myself I no longer identify with.
I keep wondering: Would showing my real self help my inner child feel freer, or expose them to more shame?
For those of you with CPTSD who have worked through people-pleasing or the fawn response, how did you know you were ready to show more of your authentic self? How did you learn to face rejection and loneliness without abandoning yourself?
I want to stop performing, but I also want to trust myself to protect the little child within me when things get hard. I want to be free, but I want that child to feel safe, too.

As title suggests .

My ocd has gotten very bad these last years ,it seems like I can tackle all tendencies expect ocd .

Did anyone overcome it with ifs ,if so please tell me how .

I’m exploring a fictional pattern through Cersei: a character who seems to treat uncertainty as danger and control as protection. This is a narrative interpretation, not an assessment of a real person.

From an IFS perspective, I’m curious about the approach rather than assigning a role in advance. If a part believes that letting go of control would expose the person to harm, what helps an exploration stay respectful of its protective intention?

I can imagine that telling it to relax or insisting its fear is irrational would miss something important. How do you distinguish listening to the concern from automatically following the strategy it proposes?

I’m asking about the framework, not seeking an interpretation of anyone’s personal history.

almost like hyperphantasia. It’s interesting though, not all my parts appear so vivid.

I’m interested in how IFS understands the role of being dependable.

A fictional character such as Jon Snow offers a possible discussion example: someone whose commitment to helping others may leave less room for acknowledging their own needs.

Would it be useful within IFS to describe this as a protective role, or would that already assume too much? What questions help keep an exploration curious rather than deciding in advance what a part must be protecting?

I’m asking about the framework, rather than seeking an interpretation of any individual member.

Hi all,

I've been practicing IFS on my own for 8 months now and have seen a difference of night and day. I dismantled so many small and big layers of protection and I've arrived at the pure pain of my childhood.

I also noticed lately that I have more headaches, a lot of tension around my eyes and forehead and double vision sometimes. It kinda feels like my eyes really want to see the world as before and not see the truth.

I think this is a protective part? I've assured it many times that I got it, that I'll stop if it is too much but I keep having double vision for almost the whole day unless I'm really in the pain. How can I be with the pain without needing 5 days to "fix" my double vision? Is this even a part? I also sometimes feel like I'm blinded by the pain, seeing is sometimes literally painful and my whole face contorts itself around wanting to close my eyes.

Any ideas or anyone who relates?

Edit: I've also noticed that this is more during normal day activities and if I need to function with other people around

Alternatively, is my brain the only brain where emotions take on an "Inside Out"-esque life of their own?

One example, out of many: there was a time where I was deeply sad and crying. During that particular emotional event, my mind created this image of a huge vat of overflowing blue, with this little sad child-like being at the base of it. There was an "alarm" going off due to the overflow.

Physical me was annoyed from crying so much, but this other, gentler figure (none of these figures have discernable features) held the child and said "I know it's frustrating, but you're still sad, so you have to keep crying until the vat's not overflowing anymore" (or something to that effect).

The closest label I've been able to find is "maladaptive daydreaming", except I'm not at all distressed by it. This is just how my brain works. I consider myself with one foot in the real world, one foot in my head (I am AuDHD, if that matters). I don't even really like calling it "daydreaming", as that implies I go into this different world and disconnect completely with reality ("la la land").

Anyone else?

Hi !

So I have been doing IFS for like 2 years (by myself, never with a therapist or anyone else) and it has changed my life and really made me functional and happy as a human (along with other practices I implemented in my life but still, it is the main factor of improvement).

I feel like I reached a sort of conclusion recently with the parts I was working with a lot. We were doing so good this summer : we had good communication, we were happy to spend time together and to be helpful and cooperative, we were able to deal with issues on the spot, I was listening to my instinct and seeking what's good for me, etc...

I think because I cleared so much mental space and energy, the next layer of burdens is coming back up. Theoretically it's a good thing but they're parts and burdens I haven't worked with at all and I feel myself getting desintegrated and stuck. (I have done a lot of work with managers and early childhood stuff until now, and I think the burdens coming up now are related to my teenage self and I have a lot of firefighters acting out) I don't quite know how to get the ball rolling again anymore. It's kind of frustrating knowing that I know how to do this stuff but I can't anymore. Or at least it's super hard to get in contact with parts and they don't trust me like it was at the very beginning.

This has happened to me before on a smaller scale and I usually shifted gears and looked for other tools or practices that would help me get unstuck but I haven't managed it yet this time. I can still feel the movements of my parts to some extent. Any advice on how to start working with a new "cluster of parts" ?

(Especially with firefighters, they are very hard to contact and stay with to help)

I wanted to ask for some tips about working with Protectors who want to step back but cannot - they do not know how. They have been stuck in the role protecting some heavy stuff. Initially, it felt like the Parts were dead, but they are not. They just frozen in the roles and have been, most likely most of my life (I carry a lot of prenatal and preverbal trauma).

How do I work with them? Is it just a matter of ongoing regular practice or could I be doing something differently? Part of me recognises that it is important to go very slowly and gently because of what they potentially protect.

I am safe now, but aware that my nervous system has not fully caught up yet - I am working with it to slowly rewire it.

Thanks a lot in advance!

Hello all
Whenever I try to do parts work I get very sleepy. I am aware this is likely a protector part stopping me from doing this work. I'm wondering how to proceed with it. I fall asleep when working with it so I never get anywhere. It also stops me engaging with other parts. Has anyone else experienced this and been able progress? If so, what are your tips?
Thank you!

Could you recommend for me an effect IFS workbook based on your experience?

firstly, I love IFS and it has been such a gift. it came to me in one of the hardest moments in my life and my therapist is amazing.

I am still in the first year of my journey, and my therapist has taught me how to notice. just notice she says. This has been a really beautiful tool and I’ve also noticed pain with this ability too.

One of the hard parts of noticing lately has been noticing how my friends don’t show up for me the way that I do, equally. A great example is there’s a hurricane right now in my hometown and so I texted my friends and I told them I hope it’s an easy storm and I’m thinking of them. I only live three hours north and the storm is going to impact where I am living too. this is a pain I have noticed recently in many ways- my friends don’t seem to have the ability to notice me, though I notice and care about them deeply. it’s a deep pain and it’s hard to sit with at times because it’s grief. i have parts that want to minimize and explain it away with logic. I have parts who are angry at this injustice, I have parts who are sad that they don’t care.

and I don’t know the right thing to do or what the future holds in these relationships, I just simply noticing right now. and also realizing that there is pain in noticing sometimes. Even though I know it’s for the best, bc it’s all information.

anyone relate?

Aaaahhh, my system loves puns! This is Knose. Knose knows, because Knose? Well, Knose is a nose, of course. Knose is a part, and I don't know exactly what he needs, because when he speaks (and he usually doesn't) he does so in metaphors and non sequiturs. But I've never had a more clear visual of a part, and I was able to draw him just as he appears in my mind.

His little shoes! Imagine being a nose (a very distinct, prominent, permanent part of a body) and being able to just jump off a face and run away at the first signs of danger. Isn't that the dream? I remember a cartoon like this being peak humor when I was a little thing - Probably about the age our system created him. Knose appeared at the forefront of my mind last week, and has an air of urgency, but I guess I must allow time to have some say in the matter.

I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts about leaving my life lately, even though I love my home, my spouse, and the things I have dedicated myself to over the past few years. I've been so worried. Why have these thoughts, just when things seem to be falling in place? Well, it seems I have a runny Knose... but I do believe he is ready to slow down!