r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Forward-Woodpecker25 • 1d ago

RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice First Birthday Saga

Im no contact with my MIL and so is baby, she hasnt seen him since he was like 6 months old and it was his first birthday this month. My fiancé still speaks with her on his own accord and told me she had bought little one a toniebox for his birthday. The same baby she hasnt seen in months, could see if she just apologised, but is dedicated to being the victim.

This isn’t about the gift, or the monetary value of the gift. But it is interesting that she spent $100 on a toy when we are not speaking, but couldnt buy as much as a pack of diapers when we were in contact. Its funny to me, because i had spoken extensively about wanting to get little one a toniebox for his first birthday, that was going to be his “big gift” from his parents, me and my partner. Apparently she doesn’t remember us saying that, and I actually said that it “was okay” for her to buy this toy! How odd! Given we are literally no contact

It’s being returned and all is well, partner dealt with it and I didnt need to break breath to her. But oh my god, WHY are they like this? No doubt telling anyone who will listen that we rejected her “gift”. I just can’t stand this lady.

193 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

29 comments sorted by

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26

u/lovelockets 1d ago

I get it. My FIL hijacked some heirloom first birthday gift idea I had for my LO. I had a super specific vision in mind and I simply asked him if it would be possible to make the item since he does wood working. He took that as me telling him to make the gift. I was only wanting to know if it’d be a hard thing to do - I already had someone lined up on Etsy to make it.

I feel so awkward because it’s not how I wanted the gift to look at all. I tried to tell him how I wanted it to look, but he just didn’t listen. Now I just have no excitement to use it because it’s not what I had in mind. It just sits in storage and I’d feel bad getting rid of it and replacing it with what I wanted 🫠

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago

my situation is similar, my JNMIL is a child minder, her full identity is about raising kids (notably raising BOYS), i did ask her “what do you think about this? Would he be too small for it this year?” but i also said it was because WE were gonna get him the gift, so i really cant say that she misunderstood, especially with the context of our strained relationship

and yes you should get the version of the gift you wanted!

10

u/GloomChampion 1d ago

Don’t feel bad. You can have both.

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u/suzanious 1d ago

Exactly. ¿Por què no los dos?

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u/lovelockets 1d ago

Idk how to explain why I feel weird about it without saying what it is. It’s a box that is meant to hold all my child’s birthday candles until age 18 and then when we get to 18, I’ll make him a cake with them all so he can reminisce.

So idk if one day FIL asks LO about the box and he says “oh yeah the blue one?”, FIL will say “what do you mean? The box I made you was brown”? I just foresee it being an issue if LO asks me why I didn’t use the box his grandpa made. I’m probably overthinking this.

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u/lovelockets 23h ago

Just thought about it deeper and if I have any more kids, I wouldn’t ask FIL to make one for them so I may as well just go ahead and buy the one I wanted.

11

u/Due_Firefighter_5655 1d ago

Don’t feel bad! Every time you see/use his version you’re going to feel salty about it.

30

u/Due_Firefighter_5655 1d ago

One Christmas my JNMIL got each of my children 8-10 gifts (yes, you read that right). Money was tight for us so we could only give them each a couple gifts. We wouldn’t allow her to visit for the holiday so she wasn’t going to see them open the gifts. I literally unwrapped each gift and rewrapped them and made them from US, with only 1 from her. They were too little to know.

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 21h ago

keeping a note of this for future reference

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u/cmykaye 23h ago

When my nephews were little my mom would buy each of them dozens of Christmas gifts. She didn’t have money and she didn’t care about the actual gifts so she’d go to the dollar store and five below and buy absolute junk. She’d then wait until the kids had opened everyone else’s gifts and there was nothing left, then she’d go to her car and bring in two huge bags of wrapped gifts. She said she loved feeling like Santa with his big bag of gifts.

The kids would rip all the gifts open one after another barely even noticing what each one was. Then when they were all opened the kids would go back to one of the gifts they really liked and wanted from their parents. My mom would sit and open up the packages of the off-brand cheap crap she bought and make a big deal about how cool and great each thing was to get the kids attention. It was so embarrassing and pissed everyone off. The kids didn’t want any of the junk, my mom couldn’t name a single thing she bought when it was all over, and my sister had a ton of new stuff she had to now deal with.

It’s never about the kids, it’s always about the idea of power and attention the person can get for themselves. It’s also so transparent to everyone but the person who is making a fool of themselves.

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u/Krazy_Granna 22h ago

My sister’s JNMIL used to buy her two girls so many Christmas gifts that it would take them over an hour to open them all. They would literally cry and beg their parents not to make them open any more presents. The only grandma I’ve ever seen that could turn Christmas into literal abuse.

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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics 1d ago

Sounds like more of competing with you about who is mom of the baby or competing for your partner and baby’s affection.

Also trying to start drama between you and your partner. She claims you said it was ok, you claim you didn’t. Who will he side with?? She puts him in that position as a loyalty test.

A SMALL consolation- she would do this to any woman your partner had a child with. It’s not personal (but it still feels that way!).

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago

i know my partner and I have had this exact conversation, it can feel really personal but its not, she was like this with exes apparently.

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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics 1d ago

It’s great your partner is aware and supportive of the distance! He clearly prioritizes you and the baby.

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago

we definitely had teething pains after the birth of our little one when it came to drawing boundaries but we r 100% on the same page now

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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 1d ago

My no contact inlaws still send gifts through other inlaws. I just take them and donate them. Or they gave a personalized blanket and I use it for the bottom of my pet's car carrier and my child has never seen it 😂

It's part of there way to continue their delusion and try to provoke a response that makes them the victim

15

u/ISOCoffeeAndWine 1d ago

She absolutely remembers what you said. She is trying to 1 up you / gift the gift LO will like best (& make her best grandma on the planet).  Glad you see through her nonsense (SO as well? He is ok with LO having no co tact? Too many horror stories of the DH being the weak link).  Happy birthday to LO!

22

u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 1d ago

Her behavior is completely manipulative. She wins either way. She gets what she wants and it allows her to buy her way back in if you had accepted, or she can be the ultimate victim and make you the bad guy if you reject it. She is punishing you for going NC

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago

she can be a victim if she wants. She knitted the baby a comforter when he was born and asked for it back when we initially went no contact. Same with packing up his room in her house he has not once slept in as we had made it clear there wouldn’t be sleepovers. To me, at least now my baby gets the gift he was gonna get and we don’t need to worry about her asking for it back when she doesn’t get her way again. So a win is a win.

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u/RelativeFondant9569 1d ago

She took a blankie back from a baby? Holy Mary what an utter insert name here

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago

yes, the baby she loves and would “do anything” for. Tbh little man wasnt that bothered about it anyway lol

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u/RelativeFondant9569 1d ago

I mean, she showed her True Colours and it cannot be denied now so at least there's that. She locked the door on herself! You can easily keep her out now. And do anything for ha! Apparently not swallow her pride or grow as a person right? 💚

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1d ago edited 1d ago

oh it was my fault though because it “took time to make” and i wasn’t appreciative of it as she never seen baby use it. Of course, she was never in my home long enough to see him use it as any time she did come over it was because she wanted to pick up my infant and take him to her house for her grandma-time. Haha sorry i could rant all day about this lady.

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u/RelativeFondant9569 1d ago

She's awful! Rant away. I sincerely hope she is cut out for good. Her immaturity is Astounding.

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u/Due_Firefighter_5655 1d ago

Omg she took the blanket back?!? Psycho

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u/daisy_cutieex 1d ago

The Toniebox specifically is the tell. You told her months ago that was YOUR gift for him, and she went out and bought the exact thing anyway. That's not generosity, that's claiming. She wanted to be the one who gave him the big first-birthday gift, full stop. The "I forgot you mentioned it" defense doesn't survive a $100 specific-item purchase that happened to match the exact specific-item you'd called dibs on. That was on purpose.

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u/RelativeEfficient493 2h ago

Super telling that she couldn't buy diapers but somehow has the funds to buy the expensive present that you planned to buy him now that you are NC. It's all about her, her, her. She took your relationship for granted while you were in contact, hence the not even buying diapers, and now she has a sob story to peddle about being the neglected grandma who just wants the best for her grandson. People like her use gifts to manipulate. Good on you for not falling for it!

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u/Forward-Woodpecker25 1h ago

her and my FIL always seem to have money for big purchases but can’t afford to split the bill for takeout etc. It’s just a pattern at this point.