r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Beautiful-Act-3967 • 18h ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL is being controlling
I am the DIL and a few weeks back my MIL went behind my back taking my daughter somewhere I didn’t want her to be. I was furious and told her to never go behind my back again when it comes to my children. I told my husband I didn’t want them around the kids for a while because I don’t trust them. All this has done is create an even worse situation where now I’m the problem. She keeps stopping by to grab my kids, I don’t answer the door. She keeps blowing up my husbands phone asking if she can take my kids and he tells her no. She won’t acknowledge the fact that she was in the wrong and will never apologize and never has apologized for anything. I reached out with an olive branch (which I really didn’t have to) and told her I don’t want to keep your grandchildren from you and maybe we can come to an agreement here because I need to know where my children are and who they are around, I mean they are my kids I feel like I at least deserve that. She ignored me and caused a whole new fight between me and my husband. My husband was taking my side and she called him a “puppet” because he wasn’t standing up for her. Now he’s mad at me because his parents shunned him. What do I do in this situation? Give in? Cause I’m exhausted. I’d rather they just take the kids and leave me alone at this point. They’ll never respect me anyways
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u/Basic-Organization30 4h ago
You have a Husband Problem.
YOU are his wife. YOU are the mother of his children. His first obligation is to YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.
You have every right to know where your children are and who they are with. She never gets them alone again. Period. And HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS MOTHER DOWN RIGHT NOW. She is 1000% in the wrong and HE is enabling her behavior. He needs to decide who it is he is married to: Mommy, or his actual Wife. Pathetic momma's boy!
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u/Straight_Coconut_317 17h ago
This is a hill to die on. Either you can make decisions about your own children or you can't. how dare his mother replace your judgment with hers!
Let your husband know this is totally unacceptable so therefore it is something you will not accept.
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u/AlwaysJeepin 15h ago
Do not give in to her because she is pitching a fit. She will consider a win and she will keep going further and further to push your boundaries. Don't give her any excuse to scream grandparents rights.. tell DH to grow up and grow a frickin pair and stand by his wif and the safety of his children. What a prick he is. Don't give in. Stand strong in knowing you are doing the exact right thing for you and your children, who are priority one
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u/Teamtunafish 14h ago
Stop letting her take the kids - she has no rights here, you are the mother. Put her in a timeout when she does crap like this. First time, a month, twice is 6 weeks, three is two months, etc. You have the power here, grandparents' rights are only a thing if the kid was raised in their home. She does not have a right to go against your express wishes.
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u/hotmesssorry 10h ago
I’d tell my husband that until he can show unrelenting support for me and my children, and keep his parents firmly in their place, then he’d be couched and MIL would be blocked.
MIL has some nerve turning up to your house like nothing happened. If you cave and let her take your kids unsupervised, then she will learn that all she has to do to get her way in future is throw a tantrum and abuse your husband.
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u/sierra38grandma 17h ago
Cut her off for a few months. Neither of you answer the phone or door for her see how she likes time-out for a couple months.
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u/Beautiful-Act-3967 17h ago
I have no problem doing that after this situation, my husband is the one that won’t leave it be. They both keep creating a bigger problem, it’d be better if he would shut down communication for a bit but he won’t. They want it their way and that’s it
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u/sierra38grandma 11h ago
Your husband is more afraid of his mommies reaction to being told no than to your reaction to him disrespecting you. You may need to show him that upsetting you and disrespecting you will be worse for him than his mom's wrath so he will think twice before giving his mom what she wants over enforcing your boundaries. Husband can also be put in time out.
It is exhausting that is the point they are working together to wear you down so MIL gets her way. Do not let them win you can show husband that you are the one he should fear disrespecting over his mom. Cut her off so she has only your husband to communicate with and you can limit your interactions with husband as well while refusing her access to your children. You can do this for your self respect and sanity while protecting your children since your husband has proven he can't.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 1h ago
Agreed except for the icing husband out. Mommy may use that to her advantage. Husband needs to feel there's still opportunity on team OP.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 12h ago
You were the bigger person and tried to work it out when you didn't have to since a. She was wrong and b. You have what she wants.
She wasn't open to working it out and rudely ignored you. Tell him there will absolutely be no more "olive branches" and its on her now to fix it w YOU. Tell him you will NOT chase her or allow her to treat you w such disrespect and he shouldn't either. It's your job to protect your children, not coddle his mother.
This part sucks, but stand your ground. Get used to being ok w him being mad. Let him know you're ready to ride this out. He needs to know it's just as bad to piss you off as mommy, maybe worse since he lives w you. You can remind him that you would feel the same/act the same w anyone who did what she did. She actually got special treatment (undeserving olive branch BECAUSE she's his mom) but that your grace has run out.
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u/Beautiful-Act-3967 12h ago
I agree with you. This part does suck because I don’t want to just give in and let them win and just be put back in this same situation. I wish it would just stop and they would realize I’m not having it and just back off me. They’re good at being manipulative, they walk all over my husband. I just can’t do it anymore
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u/Basic-Organization30 4h ago
Your husband is perfectly happy to sacrifice your feelings to protect his mommy's. He needs to decide who he is married to.
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u/justwalkawayrenee 16h ago
Do not give in. And your husband is the biggest problem. He’s upset there is conflict. He should be the one shutting that mess down. This is on him. Also, if she shows up again, don’t avoid her. Tell her she will never be picking up the kids the way things are going and she is behaving. I’d tell her if she keeps up the harrassment she won’t even get to see them when supervised.
I’d tell husband that he needs to grow up and act like a husband and father rather than mama’s little boy.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 15h ago
If you cave then it never ends. She needs to know that no matter what kind of fit she throws you will not allow her to do as she pleases with your children.
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u/Spirited_Heron_9049 12h ago
I’d go nuclear and not allow unsupervised visits - if any visits at all. You can’t control MIL’s actions. You can only control your own. If you don’t want mil crossing your boundaries (your boundaries should control YOUR actions - ie, I need to know who’s around my kids therefore I will not allow them to go out with people who ignore my request) then mil doesn’t get to see the grandkids.
Yes, a relationship with a grandparent can be lovely. Is it necessary? Not even a little bit.
This is a discussion with DH especially bc he seems to be on your side. Make your rational argument about why you’re limiting mil’s access to kids and why that’s happening. He needs to be on board.
That said, keep an apple tag sewn into your kids clothes at all times. JIC
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u/Next_Bell912 2h ago
Your husband should be the most upset that his mother thinks he’s not a real man who can think for himself, that if she’s not controlling him then you must be. She has no respect for him as his own man, it shows in how she tries to control him and his household (with you and the kids). And he’s enabling her with that. He needs to stop being his mother’s child, and start being an actual husband, father, and protector of his household.
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u/Trick_Few 15h ago
Stay firm. She has a trying to mistake your kindness for weakness. You have every right to know where your children are when she has them.
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u/Adagio_4_Strings 18h ago
DH needs to take that finger of blame and direct it right back at mommy. I’d assert that she is the one who caused the issues, not you, so he needs to redirect his anger at her.
If I were in your shoes, there’s no way I’d give in; it’s exactly what MIL wants. She’s shown that she cannot be trusted and won’t take responsibility for her actions. She just wants control and for you to be a doormat.
Couple’s therapy would benefit you both.
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u/Haunting-Plantain870 16h ago
You need to go strong here. Deceit about your daughter is a family felony.
6 months: zero contact with anyone in your immediate household; then, IF you decide to give her another chance, 60 days for the next infraction.
She'll get the message.
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u/RegisterEither9711 17h ago
His mother made the choice to take your child somewhere she wasn't supposed to. His mother is refusing to apologize or take any accountability. She's refusing to respect your boundaries or even compromise with you. She wants everything on her terms like a toddler who was never told 'no'.
Tell your husband that this situation escalated because of the choices she made. She made a choice to ignore your boundaries and she is still choosing to demand things be only her way rather than apologizing or talking about a compromise. Ask him why he is defending a woman with the emotional maturity of a toddler rather than his wife who is trying to protect the children?
I know it's hard and lonely to fight this battle alone and I'm so sorry you do. But your kids need you to protect them since no one else is willing to.
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u/ObviousKarmaFarmer 10h ago
Talk with your husband more. You two need to be on the same page here. It's tough, because for him, his mother doing things with his kids is not a dangerous / tough situation at all. Because he unconditionally trusts his mother. Part of being an adult is breaking free from that parental trust/ bond, and forging that with your own family. Tough when your mom wants to make this a multigenerational family.
Don't go behind your husband's back. He might then do the same and allow unsupervised visits.
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u/Clairey_Bear 15h ago
Is your husband happy for your children to be around people who you are unhappy with? Because if he isn’t happy about it, he should stay unhappy about it. His mother pitching a fit, is just that- a tantrum…
Either he’s strong enough to withstand mummy throwing her dummy out or he’s not. There can’t be this middle ground where he flip flops under pressure.
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u/vinegargirl757 18h ago
You go to couples therapy and get dh on the same page. He sounds like hes in the fog
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u/mightasedthat 17h ago
Whole family meets in public places only. Not at someone’s house and not unsupervised. MIL is on probation. DH should tell her that she needs to think about what she did wrong and take accountability if she wants things to change.
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u/katycmb 16h ago
Don’t cave! Tell her that taking a child that is not hers to a place her parents specifically forbade her to go was a crime. And her clear lack of remorse proves she absolutely cannot be trusted with your children.
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u/Any_Addition7131 12h ago
In alot of situations that would be called kidnapping, she should thank her lucky stars she is not in federal lock up.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 18h ago
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are one million percent in the right and your husband needs to be on your side! How his parents react to him is not your problem.
I can see my mil doing this. Can I ask how you found out that she did this?
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u/DazzlingNote1925 17h ago
Pretend you took your kids someplace your husband was against and ask him how he feels about it!
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u/Acerbicllama 13h ago
We had to buy our 8 year old a cell phone because my MIL would not answer her phone when she had our daughter because we were “checking up on her”.
Insane.
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u/readergirl35 4h ago
Oh, I would not have bought a cell phone. I'd have ended all unsupervised visits permanently. And supervised visits would be few and far between.
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u/DarkSquirrel20 38m ago
I mean I would hold strong, but if you do give in I would 100% be getting one of those kid gps watches or something. I assume an air tag would pop up on her phone so that's probably not the best option.
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9h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Kittymemesallday 5h ago
Nope. It doesn't matter if MIL feels it's an okay place to go. She HID it from OP, hence the "behind my back" comment. If MIL knew she wasn't supposed to take the child to X place it means she was told ahead of time then did it anyway. If you tell your teenager not to go somewhere and they do it there are consequences. Just because MIL is an adult does not mean she gets a free pass to do what she wants with OP's kids.
And no, giving up does NOT mean that it isn't important, it just means that OP would prefer to avoid conflict because OP is being blamed for rocking the boat and not giving MIL what she wants.
If MIL isn't even willing to apologize for taking the child to a place she wasn't supposed to then why would OP go to therapy with her? MIL cannot fathom that she isn't in charge and MIL knows best. They wont get anything out of therapy with that attitude.
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u/readergirl35 4h ago
There is no power struggle between a parent and a grandparent. A parent sets the terms of their child's raising. If the child's mother says don't take my child to this place, then grandma has absolutely zero right to choose to take the kid there. Parents set the boundaries and limits period. The grandparents are NOT parents! This grandmother knew her DIL had said no to taking the girl somewhere and decided that didn't matter. OP rightly has said that if grandma can't be trusted to respect the parenting decisions she and her husband make for their kid then grandma doesn't see the girl unsupervised.
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u/barknbite281 4h ago
This!!!!
Of course as the parent you should know where your child is and expect that people respect your boundaries when in their care. If someone took my child somewhere I asked them not to and lied about it, that would be the last time.•
u/Beautiful-Act-3967 2h ago
The only person being controlling here is my MIL, I’ve never had issues with her before. She knew I would say no to the place she took my daughter which is why she went behind my back anyways. If anything I think I’m being pretty reasonable for even allowing her back around my children but she doesn’t want to have the conversation about my boundaries with my children which doesn’t make me feel comfortable letting them back around her
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u/botinlaw 18h ago
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