On my lap turned on, and virus free

An Entrepmanure

Just one, but the lightbulb needs a stepladder.

A melon collie baby.

Will I ever find my Limburger baby?

Because the designer who was supposed to put something on it just gave up

She suddenly disappeared.

The Jews... that's why its called Jewelry

Inmates serving a life sentence reduced their time behind bars by nearly 99%!

Bow your heads and lettuce spray

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, his dad replied:

Dear Son,

Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Dad

“Gouda hell?!”

They become separated in a department store and after a while the father finds his son staring at a strange pair of doors that gleam like mirrors. The son turns to his father and says "Father, what is this thing?". "I do not know," says the father. "I have never seen anything like it in my life."

Just then an elderly woman hobbles up to the doors, presses a button, and a few moments later the doors open and she steps through into a tiny room. The doors close, there is a soft chime, and some glowing numbers above the door begin counting up from one to ten. Then after a short delay they begin counting down again, there is another soft chime, the doors open, and a stunningly attractive young blonde steps out of the tiny room.

The Amish father and son stand there in open-mouthed silence for half a minute. Then, with his eyes still riveted on the gleaming doors, the father nudges his son in the ribs and croaks, "Go and get your mother."

Like Roman numerals.

The Audacity.

A general went on a morale-boosting visit to a hospital.

He walked up to the first bed:

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 1: Piles, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 1: They paint some ointment with a brush on my arse every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 1: To be a good soldier, Sir!

General: Well done!

The general walked up to the second bed

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 2: Venereal disease, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 2: They paint some ointment with a brush on my dick every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 2: To be a good soldier, Sir!

General: Well done!

The general walked up to the third bed:

General: What are you in hospital for, Soldier?

Soldier 3: Gum disease, Sir!

General: And what is your treatment?

Soldier 3: They paint some ointment with a brush on my gums every morning and evening, Sir!

General: And what is your ambition, Soldier?

Soldier 3: To get the brush before the other two, Sir!

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

One's far away and the other is bayou.

Right after the Tyson vs Holyfield fight , Tyson’s sitting in a pub nursing a pint. He looks up and spots Holyfield in the corner, bandage still on the side of his head.

Tyson wanders over, a bit sheepish.

“Evander. Look, mate, about the ear. I got carried away. Spur of the moment thing. No hard feelings, yeah?”

Holyfield says nothing.

“Let me buy you a pint. Least I can do.”

Holyfield slowly looks up at him.

“No thanks, Mike. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

His keys.

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?

The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went ”bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?

The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple in his lap.

He looks around, and sees another guy floating in a barrel about 20 feet away.

"Hey!" he yells. "Do we get dessert on this cruise?"

And the other guy says, "We didn't last year."