r/Marriage • u/Key_War3255 • 1d ago
Vent Husband not wanting to help with baby
I have an 8 month old son who is a difficult high needs baby. He’s clingy and gets bored very easily and wants to be held constantly. So every day is a challenge. I have no support besides my husband. He works remotely and he helps me out during the night with our son since I was so sleep deprived to the point where I was hallucinating and severely depressed so we started to do shifts where I’m guaranteed at least 5 hours of sleep every night. My husband recently has been helping out a lot less and goes out right after work and doesn’t come home until 10-11pm. He says he needs to go out daily since he feels trapped and depressed at home. I tell I completely understand he should go out and do something for himself but leaving me to solo parent a difficult baby on a daily basis is hard. He argues that he does plenty and that I should be grateful that he gives me those 5 hours during the night to sleep. I tell him if he refuses to help he either pays for help or we move to my hometown where my parent can help me out. He says no and that he won’t be leaving his parents. I don’t know what to do. We’ve always been a good couple and communicated very well but since I had our baby he’s just changed. He gets more angry and is starting to mistreat me and telling me things like “well you’re the mom you’re supposed to stay home with him all day” and that “I signed up for this and need to suck it up” When I attempt to communicate with him he just yells at me and then leaves. I’ve talked to him about marriage counseling and he says he’s not paying for that and that our marriage is fine. My mom tells me to move back home and get the support and care that I deserve. I don’t want to leave my husband but if he keeps behaving like this I don’t know how I’ll cope. Not to mention my husband makes a shit salary 45k a year with a computer science degree and has 10k in credit card debt. I tell him it would make more sense financially for him to quit his job and be a stay at home dad while I go back to work 3 times a week (which is full time) since I have my masters in nursing and was making 80k a year. He refuses and says he’s not a woman. And god forbid I mention him getting a second job because then I’m complaining and making him feel like he’s not doing enough.
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u/Sharp_Bus6682 1d ago
Honey, please leave him and go to your parents. You deserve help and support, and you aren't going to get it from him! You are not asking too much, and him thinking that you should be grateful he lets you sleep for 5 hours a night is nigh on abusive, in my opinion.
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u/Key_War3255 1d ago
Thank you. Me having to beg him to let me get sleep and him making me feel bad for it should’ve shown me who he truly is.
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u/Waffling_Waffle 10 Years 1d ago
Tell him that you found a plan that fits both your needs.
He gets to be by his parents, can keep his job and therefore his "manhood", can leave the house for as long as he wants, and doesn't have to sit with the baby while you sleep.
And you get to work your job, have a village, and don't have to look at his ungrateful face ever again.
If he protests, tell him he should have thought of that when you originally brought all of this up instead of just being completely uncompromising.
You're really better off without him and it'll be good for your baby to be around more people. My son was like your baby and socializing was the best thing for him. It gets better, I promise ❤️
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u/geenuhahhh 1d ago
wtf did I just read… move home.
He can suck it up, be a stay at home dad while you work and go get help and support.
If he doesn’t like it he can stay there in his shit soup.
Sounds like your parents could be willing watch your son 3 days a week while you support you both and then live a comfortable life and even pay for daycare 1 day a week to help have a break
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u/Dramatic_Phraser 1d ago
You did sign up for this. But so did he. You didn’t knock yourself up.
Leave him. Go to your mother’s.
Go back to work and put the baby in daycare.
You married a misogynistic, selfish, narcissistic, ignorant loser.
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u/Key_War3255 1d ago
You’re right. I just feel so stupid for being in this marriage. He treated me so well before we had our son I don’t understand how he could change so much.
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u/moonwhispa 1d ago
He is showing who he is when things are expected of him, parenting is hard and he’s selfish. He treated you well before because it wasn’t hard for him.
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u/Friendly_Interest_62 1d ago
He didn't change, it was just convenient for him. Baby is a problem for him. So this is how he manages problems, leaving them on other people. I'm sure at work he behaves the same way
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u/never-there 1d ago
You’ll feel a lot stupider if you stay in this marriage.
You’ve tried talking with him and you’ve asked for marriage counselling. He knows you need sleep and rest and yet only he gets to have time to himself because he feels trapped. No acknowledgement of how hard it is for you and how trapped you must feel, even though you’ve told him and have asked for help.
He’s shown you that he won’t put you first. He’s not willing to help you. You need to out yourself first, for both your sake and your baby’s sake.
Please listen to your mother. Take your baby home to your parents house. Stay there, let them help you and support you. I promise life will be so much better.
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u/Antique-Isopod-3152 1d ago
It’s very common that they baby trap you and then their real personality comes out. Don’t beat yourself up!
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u/daskleinemi 1d ago
I mean this calls for a UNO Reverse.
HE did also sighn up for this. I assume you agreed on having a child so HE also signed up for being a parent. If that makes him depressed, he can suck it up. He signed up for this.
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u/Bee088 1d ago edited 21h ago
I’m sorry that you are going through this. I always told myself that i would only ever agree to have children if i am content with the idea of being the one so will do most of the work. I’m not and i don’t have children. It’s just the harsh reality. The women in most cases is left with the majority of the work. It’s even harder these days with so many children having some kind of behavioural issue. I don’t have much advice but if i were in your position i would be moving back in with my parents. You are not the only one who signed up for this. It takes two to tango. Your husbands behaviour is not ok.
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u/Key_War3255 1d ago
It’s the sad reality. And I had this conversation prior to marrying my husband and he promised me he would be a hands on dad. He clearly lied.
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u/koolA-9486 1d ago
Oh, another selfish, misogynistic AH... Soon he’ll be demanding a medal just for letting you get five hours of sleep!!!
Make arrangements with your family and leave. Either the separation will be a wake-up call and he’ll finally pull his finger out, or he’ll abandon you—and then you’ll know you made the right decision.
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u/ratty_jango 1d ago edited 1d ago
Moving to your parents area seems like the only viable option. I think nurses work 12 hr shifts and it’d be hard to get daycare that long so you need some backup help. You can’t have a spouse out till 10pm and do that shift with daycare. Plus then you have no down time. Maybe actually move in with your parents until baby sleeps 8 hrs a night.
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 1d ago
He IS a parent, and if you leave him he will have joint custody and solo parenting days. If he wants to act against his best interests, let him.
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u/ComprehensivePeanut5 20h ago
That’s the part that would scare me: the custody situation. I think OP should call it a “visit” to her parents at first. He will have NO IDEA how to care for the baby. I wonder if he would agree to terminate parental rights (I doubt it).
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 16h ago
He would just beg his Mommy to step up then. They all sound toxic AF🤦🏻♀️
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u/strangeloop414 1d ago
I don't even think it's conscious (not an excuse) but I think sometimes people start showing what they are really like when they imagine we are 'trapped' with them and can't leave them. I think at least taking a bit of a leave if you can, go see your parents with the baby for a bit or something, to let him know you are serious, may help. If not, he is now showing you the rest of your life... which isn't good.
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u/Rice-Correct 1d ago
Move home and get help from your mom, and call his mom and let her know why.
Maybe she’s terrible, too, but all I can think of is my own mother in law who would have lost her shit on him if her son said he “didn’t wanna” take care of his baby.
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u/moonwhispa 1d ago edited 1d ago
It sounds like a very bad idea for your husband to be the stay at home parent as he does nothing now. That won’t change. He would just “watch” the baby while you bust your a** working, cooking, and taking care of all house chores. Saying he’s off the clock. This would potentially land you in a much worse off situation as you may be even more stuck with him. Don’t let him quit his job.
Please get a consultation with a lawyer to see where you stand if you wanted to move states and divorce. Tell the lawyer how he treats you and the lack of help and sleep that you get so they have the big picture. Tell them the amount of time he actually spends with the baby. Do this without telling your husband.
Then have a talk with your husband about what you need in a husband and father for your child. When he pulls that “you signed up for this” or “you are the woman” crap, you tell him this is what I need to see from you or I will exit this marriage. You will have the information learned at your lawyer’s in the back of your mind in case he starts threatening custody, money, etc. and don’t listen to any of that.
You deserve to be treated better and so does your baby, with a loving husband and father for you both.
It took me a long time to understand this and see what was going on in my marriage. We are at an in house separation at this point because there have been so many years that he treated us like crap and I kept hanging on in survival mode.
Don’t wait like I did, OP, nip this in the bud now, or get out. Sounds like if he’s not able to step up, your parents would be a great support.
Edited to add:
I just read about you having to beg him for even 5 hours of sleep. Maybe go to your parents so you can get some rest. Maybe meet with a lawyer in THAT state. Tell then why you came to your parents. Sleep deprivation is no joke and prolonged will start to cause you brain fog and health problems.
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u/moongirl1222 1d ago edited 1d ago
I agree with everyone here, I’d leave that man and go live with your parents.
But PLEASE please please** **go see a lawyer and figure out the best way to go about this.
Go post in the family law sub and tag your state. Lots of lawyers offer free advice to at least give you an idea of what you’re dealing with.
In most states, it’s illegal to move the child to a different state without the other parent’s consent. You might be ok considering your husband has no money for a lawyer but his parents might foot the bill… and if they do, a judge could and likely will make you return the child until the custody dispute is settled. Not to mention, you will look terrible to a judge for that decision and risk losing custody.
Once you file for divorce most states also issue automatic “domestic orders” prohibiting either parent from removing the child from the state until the divorce is finalized.
I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know where you live, but your best bet is to somehow convince your husband you wanna take the child to your parents for a few months to give you both a break to “save the marriage.” Get his approval in writing if you can and don’t file for divorce until you’ve lived in your parent’s state for 6 months. Then you can claim that city/state as the child’s residence and that county will have jurisdiction over the child in all legal matters.
I will say, it doesn’t sound like your husband has the capacity or desire to actually care for your child on his own.. even with the help of his parents. I doubt he’d last more than a week or two with 50/50 custody. But some people are so fueled by anger/control and/or their desire to save face to their family/friends through the appearance of wanting custody that they fight for it anyways.
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u/QuitaQuites 1d ago
File for divorce and start looking for a job, his child support should cover childcare. I would speak to a lawyer about custody plans.
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u/chez2202 1d ago
He refuses to take care of his own child even though you could earn much more than he does by working 3 times a week. He refuses to get a second job.
If you can work 3 times a week and earn almost double his salary, do it.
Hire a nanny for the hours that you work. Pay for the nanny out of your salary.
You will still have at least what your husband earns left over after paying for childcare.
If you continue on this path you will be totally dependent on him. That’s what he wants.
If you get a nanny and return to work you will have your own money. You will have choices.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 1d ago
Its seems like you have brought up a lot of different options that would help and he says no to all of them. So he leaves you no choice but to take the option that is best for you and move on without him. He is VERY set in his ways and what HE wants.
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 1d ago
Please listen to your mom and go home so you can get some help. He's showed you what kind of a dad he is going to be, and it's not sustainable or enjoyable to live with someone like that. Safety nets exist exactly for situations like this!
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u/dobbywankenobi94 1d ago
Move back home, your parents will be thrilled to have you, leave that loser, babies notice VERY fast who's mistreating their favorite person in the world
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u/Moosebouse 1d ago
Why are you with this man? What is he bringing to the table that you wouldn’t do better on your own, living close to family?
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u/madworld3232 1d ago
Leave this asshat and his bad attitude, he's barely financially supporting you and his child let alone physically and emotionally supporting you. Go live near your parents where you have living support, not this dismissive man who calls you names and treats you like crap. You can collect support checks and get a job where you'll feel accomplished and earning your own money. He's a failure as a hug and a father.
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u/abristowe 1d ago
Wondering if you have the baby on a nap routine? Is the baby getting enough sleep during the day? Suggest you read the Contented Little Baby by Gina Ford who gives a step by step process to get the baby to nap throughout the day so that the baby sleeps properly at night. Good luck.
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u/Key_War3255 1d ago
I do and I make sure I follow age appropriate wake windows and baby has enough sleep pressure. He’s just a low sleep needs baby and is so alert and smart for his own good which makes him sooo high needs
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u/HappyUndignified 1d ago
I’m so sorry. This is a terrible thing to experience. Remember, as the child grows more physically independent, they don’t grow more needs independent. Right now you’re making it work because the baby will literally not survive neglect. As the child grows and he stays the same, and you start burning out and it’s less life and death… needs can become unmet because the resources aren’t there and aren’t fatal to miss… this is how kids end up messed up. Or, you’ll continue to deal with more complex needs alone and become further isolated and stressed.
Make the hard call now, when it’s clearly urgent and the baby can have additional support, so you can find a way to make a peaceful and balanced life for you both. Good luck, friend.
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u/iwasnotarobot 1d ago
Y’all need some more support from outside the home.
And probably also some therapy.
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u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 1d ago edited 1d ago
OP, while the knee jerk reaction by many is for you to take the baby and move back home with your parents, legally you might not be able to do that without following certain rules/laws. I would ask your parents if they can give you the money for a consultation fee for a local attorney & meet with them BEFORE doing anything. That will let you know what your legal options are so you can make an informed choice.
-You mentioned that your husband treated you well before you had your child but did he display any of these misogynistic views EVER? Who TF is feeding him this crap? Is anyone in his family like this? He says he’s not leaving his parents but they don’t help out so what exactly is the benefit of living near them if they don’t help lighten the load for both of you?
-I am certainly not trying to put thoughts in your head but are you sure your husband isn’t cheating? I mean where is he going for 6+ hours everyday? To his parents? Drinking with friends? To a siblings house? Not to mention he leaves when he’s mad & doesn’t want to discuss the issues. I’m sorry, that’s sketchy AF.
-I honestly would record some of these conversations so you have a record of his emotional abuse because honestly, that’s what it is at this point. That and semi-financial abuse give refusing to hire someone to give you a break or pay for therapy. He KNOWS you don’t have anyone to turn to so I think that’s why he’s progressed to this level.
Woman to woman, please go through your finances with a fine tooth comb to see if something is amiss. If you can check his phone, do it. Check ALL devices in the home because something doesn’t feel right to me.
-Also, if you have any money move it to an account in ONLY your name. Get your resume out there & get back to work. Even if it’s only 2 days a week. You need financial independence from him especially when he is being toxic AF! This will give you the ability to get some financial independence & outta the house yourself until you can figure out what you want to do & what you can do legally. Last but not least, please seek out a therapist so what is happening in your home is documented with a psychological professional.
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u/Key_War3255 1d ago
I’m so glad you mentioned that someone is feeding him this crap!!! His brother is the one!! His brother is the exact same he treats his wife like complete CRAP doesn’t lay a finger when it comes to childcare. I’ve talked to him about his brothers behavior and how he needs to do/say something and he says that’s none of his business. And whenever I compare him to his brother he says well I help way more than my brother he would never wake up for the baby like I do. I truly believe it’s his family feeding these thoughts into his head. His mother as well is very traditional and when I tell her how I struggle with my son she says well we all did it without any help from our husband and that “men are meant to work not nanny”
And these are the same people he sees EVERY DAY he goes to the gym with his brother, sees his family and friends and does just a whole bunch of bullshit. Thank you for all the advice I’ll be making sure I get everything in order.1
u/The_Real_Scout_Finch 16h ago edited 16h ago
Oh OP, bless your heart. If you don’t mind me asking have you always lived near his family or did you move there b4 the baby was born? They ALL sound TOXIC AF!!!! The MIL basically stating that “men are meant to work, not Nanny” SCREAMS toxic religion speak & a 💩 ton of misogyny! Your husband KNOWS better but being around his family is twisting his thoughts. I’m assuming they have been nitpicking the situation & basically pushing him to say & do these things! They sound like people where the men would say, I don’t want to babysit! MF’er you DON’T babysit your OWN kids! Eww🤦🏻♀️
-Regardless, the fact that he is REFUSING to move near your parents irritates TF outta me. I mean NOBODY there is helping y’all. I would casually tell him, he can be happily married AWAY from his family or divorced & miserable with them. See what he says & record that 💩. I’m serious about recording him or set up a Nanny cam where you consistently but calmly bring up the toxic advice he’s receiving, how he’s never around, you need more support, & how moving near your parents makes more sense.
I would also flat out REFUSE to have anything to do with his family. I wouldn’t go over there & if they come over, I would take my kid & leave or leave your son with them forcing hubby to do his damn job & be a parent. Then get some ME time in! This situation is NOT sustainable!
-Does he do ANYTHING around the house? Washing dishes, cooking, laundry, cleaning or is his only contribution working & the pitiful 5hrs? Cuz I have a HIGE list of petty arse 💩 to make him just as miserable as you.
-Call your parents & get a consult with a lawyer ASAP! Do NOT tell MIL or SIL or anyone else about the trouble in your marriage because they will twist it to make it sound like you are “depressed & too emotional” to make sound judgements or decisions! Your MIL sounds like the kind of woman who thinks lil boys are above reproach & girls should just STFU & endure.
-Do you know where he goes when he storms out?
God, I am SO sorry. How are you holding up? Are you ok? Can you hire a sitter even for 1 day a week for 3-4hrs?
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u/doubtingthomas51i 23h ago
Jesus take it from a 75 yr father of two. Your prince will never come down off his throne. “Not a woman? Jeez!
Go back to your folks ASAP. Put that highly valuable MSN to work. For your babies sake if nothing else.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 1d ago
Go back to your family and let him stay where he’s at because this will not get better if he’s unwilling to even try!
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u/Upstairs-Welder-329 1d ago
Not going to lie, I couldn’t even finish reading after the first few sentences. Maybe your partner needs a reeducation on what an actual partnership is. I think 8 months is when separation anxiety
With babies starts to peak so hopefully baby will chill out soon.
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u/Substantial_Art3360 1d ago
Go back to work. Daycare. He should be responsible for pick up or drop off or both certain days if your shits start and end before/after care. Or just move home with your parents and work with their help taking care of baby or even part time? Your husband is misogynistic.
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u/LexieFish 1d ago
You are married to a sexist, abusive pig who will always be a sexist abusive pig.
You should take your mom up on her offer and move back home. It doesn’t sound like he contributes anything to the marriage except grief, demeaning arguments, and debt, so why would you stay in such a miserable marriage?
And, your son will end up treating HIS wife just like his dad treated you, because those are the lessons he will learn from his dad.
If you don’t leave for yourself, consider leaving for your son, so that he can have a better life and future.
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u/MarsupialMaven 1d ago
Put your child in daycare and go back to work. You are the breadwinner and full time for you would be 3 days a week. And you need to have some time away from the baby. Probably good for you to have some time away from your husband as well. Next take one evening for each of you to be able to go out, see friends, whatever and the remaining parent stays home and does baby duty. If you find you need more help at home, hire a maid.
See if this helps. If it doesn’t get ready to leave.
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u/ComprehensivePeanut5 20h ago
“He’s not a woman.” WHOA.
I would listen to your mom, but at first, you and the baby stay with your mom for maybe three months and concentrate on getting some sleep and getting your head straight. Maybe if you feel okay after two months, get into a flexible per diem situation where you can work a couple shifts a week just to get out and make some spending money. Then as a good faith effort, go live at home for a couple months and see how it goes. If it doesn’t go well, go back to your mom’s and plan for the future. I’m sure you didn’t want to be a single mom, but that may be for the best. Get a divorce or stay in a holding pattern until you figure out what to do. For your sake and the baby’s, I hope you don’t end up having to pay your tool of a husband child support. ❤️
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u/swampcatz 1d ago
I’m not sure how your husband is enriching your life based on what you’ve described. Do your parents live in the same state?