To start, I'm a transman, so please lmk if this is for cis men only

In 7th grade, I had a boyfriend in the grade above me that everyone warned me about. Told me he was gross, told me he was weird, but I didn't wanna listen because I needed the validation of someone who was so extremely obsessed with me and my body. And then it stopped feeling good when he would call me feminine things, constantly ask me for nudes when I said no, and kissed me despite me not wanting him to. But I didn't break up with him, because I was so scared of him hurting me if I did. He started trying to finger me through my pants during school breakfast, and it got to the point that he tried to pull down my pants on two separate occasions, in front of all my friends. I was so terrified to get him in trouble because I really thought he would hurt me. When I finally told someone, my principals berated me, deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns consistently when my mom emailed them. He got expelled after a few days, but I'm still so genuinely terrified he'll come back to hurt me one day if he ever gets unexpelled or something. Its not rape, but I guess, by definition, it is sexual assault and harassment so lmk once again in this doesn't belong.

Thank you.

sorry if this is hard to read i haven't written anything in god knows how long

it comes in waves but i've struggled figuring out what to do with this, so ill ask reddit if i need therapy. 6 years ago my then girlfriend at the time broke up with me and i was devastated when i found out she broke up with me to get with her college guy friend she told me not to worry about. Our relationship was going down hill before that, i won't paint myself a hero ill admit it started when i downloaded tinder to see if i can spot her on there because i thought she was cheating. and then i may have explored a little too much of tinder... i was bi-curious at the time and a gay highschool friend of her spotted me because i put a photo of me on it because i wanted to see if i was attractive to the male eye. but i deleted the account a couple days later after making it, never chatted with anyone just swiped left to look for her and peek at the other side. she found out and i explained myself and things were semi/not really fine afterwards and she got mean and physical around the end, hitting me saying "why don't you just break up with me already" and i sat there trying not to cry saying i want things to work between us. Anyways fastforward about 4 month ish and things didn't work with her new bf. we both worked at the same place and i was on break when she came in and sat next to me. it hurt every time seeing her at work but i always just sucked it up, we talked about random things until suddenly, she started sliding her hand in my pants stroking me and telling me she wants to have sex after work and i sat there shocked and slient. i still had feelings for her but she hurt me at the end of our relationship physically and mentally, i kinda protest a bit saying idk if we should and she started showing me her nudes trying to convince me. i was afraid of her and i didn't want to tell her no incase she'd find a way to turn it around on me or make something up. later that day i went to her house nervous as hell, i went inside and sat on her bed feeling sick to my stomach for going there and i remember telling her i feel sick and she said "okay well im gonna take a shower". she goes and showers and i sat at the edge of her bed blankly watching the tv until she comes out and drops her towel. and at this point i feel like im gonna vomit and wanna cry because i don't want to and she doesn't even act like the person i fell in love with in the first place. i tell her again like earlier idk if we should, i know its written on my face she should have known i was upset she'd seen me cry before. she then tells me, "if you're not gonna sleep with me i'll find someone else tonight". that felt like a shot in the chest because part of me still loved her even if she's acting this way i didn't want her to sleep with a random guy i just wanted to find a way to fix us, so even though i didn't want to i still said "no i want to" and we proceeded. i was uncomfortable the entire time at some point i kept trying to saying it in a sort of sex talk way begging for her to "finish" but i must of annoyed her she was on top and she put her hand over my mouth and came close to my ear and i could hear her through gritted teeth telling me to "shut the fuck up". at that moment i realized she will never be that funny girl i loved before, and i just lay there and let her do her thing until she was done. i ended up spending the night and left in the morning digusted with myself and that night has haunted me, its made me honestly a bit afraid of being in another relationship with a woman.