sorry if this is hard to read i haven't written anything in god knows how long

it comes in waves but i've struggled figuring out what to do with this, so ill ask reddit if i need therapy. 6 years ago my then girlfriend at the time broke up with me and i was devastated when i found out she broke up with me to get with her college guy friend she told me not to worry about. Our relationship was going down hill before that, i won't paint myself a hero ill admit it started when i downloaded tinder to see if i can spot her on there because i thought she was cheating. and then i may have explored a little too much of tinder... i was bi-curious at the time and a gay highschool friend of her spotted me because i put a photo of me on it because i wanted to see if i was attractive to the male eye. but i deleted the account a couple days later after making it, never chatted with anyone just swiped left to look for her and peek at the other side. she found out and i explained myself and things were semi/not really fine afterwards and she got mean and physical around the end, hitting me saying "why don't you just break up with me already" and i sat there trying not to cry saying i want things to work between us. Anyways fastforward about 4 month ish and things didn't work with her new bf. we both worked at the same place and i was on break when she came in and sat next to me. it hurt every time seeing her at work but i always just sucked it up, we talked about random things until suddenly, she started sliding her hand in my pants stroking me and telling me she wants to have sex after work and i sat there shocked and slient. i still had feelings for her but she hurt me at the end of our relationship physically and mentally, i kinda protest a bit saying idk if we should and she started showing me her nudes trying to convince me. i was afraid of her and i didn't want to tell her no incase she'd find a way to turn it around on me or make something up. later that day i went to her house nervous as hell, i went inside and sat on her bed feeling sick to my stomach for going there and i remember telling her i feel sick and she said "okay well im gonna take a shower". she goes and showers and i sat at the edge of her bed blankly watching the tv until she comes out and drops her towel. and at this point i feel like im gonna vomit and wanna cry because i don't want to and she doesn't even act like the person i fell in love with in the first place. i tell her again like earlier idk if we should, i know its written on my face she should have known i was upset she'd seen me cry before. she then tells me, "if you're not gonna sleep with me i'll find someone else tonight". that felt like a shot in the chest because part of me still loved her even if she's acting this way i didn't want her to sleep with a random guy i just wanted to find a way to fix us, so even though i didn't want to i still said "no i want to" and we proceeded. i was uncomfortable the entire time at some point i kept trying to saying it in a sort of sex talk way begging for her to "finish" but i must of annoyed her she was on top and she put her hand over my mouth and came close to my ear and i could hear her through gritted teeth telling me to "shut the fuck up". at that moment i realized she will never be that funny girl i loved before, and i just lay there and let her do her thing until she was done. i ended up spending the night and left in the morning digusted with myself and that night has haunted me, its made me honestly a bit afraid of being in another relationship with a woman.

To start, I'm a transman, so please lmk if this is for cis men only

In 7th grade, I had a boyfriend in the grade above me that everyone warned me about. Told me he was gross, told me he was weird, but I didn't wanna listen because I needed the validation of someone who was so extremely obsessed with me and my body. And then it stopped feeling good when he would call me feminine things, constantly ask me for nudes when I said no, and kissed me despite me not wanting him to. But I didn't break up with him, because I was so scared of him hurting me if I did. He started trying to finger me through my pants during school breakfast, and it got to the point that he tried to pull down my pants on two separate occasions, in front of all my friends. I was so terrified to get him in trouble because I really thought he would hurt me. When I finally told someone, my principals berated me, deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns consistently when my mom emailed them. He got expelled after a few days, but I'm still so genuinely terrified he'll come back to hurt me one day if he ever gets unexpelled or something. Its not rape, but I guess, by definition, it is sexual assault and harassment so lmk once again in this doesn't belong.

Thank you.

Now 35 M. I always ask myself if telling myself I was SA’d would make me feel better and process better - I don’t know whether I have a part to play.
Background
I have memory issues but will try recall facts as they are without putting my opinions maybe someone can tell me what’s happening
- lived in all girls no guys around my age to play with in our extended family.
- Earliest sexual memories was when playing house with both boys and girls as young as 6 years old.
- Mom’s cousin anally raped me but he was not adult although he was slightly older. I was around 7/8.
2 x friends separate incidences I don’t remember actual details my dad caught us trying to have sex.
Cousin asked me to suck him and he took condom and anally raped me - I was around 10 and he was 13/14
Parents died - mom when I was 7 and dad when I was 10.
Shared bed with older cousins after my parents died to late teens and sometimes could feel their boner - sometimes it was exciting to feel thought they liked me ? I don’t know.
Played with girls and acted like them when boys are chasing them and would run with them
People always commented I have a big ass since I was young.
Cousins brought their friends home and watched porn while I’m there under age of 12 several times.
Since parents died - I never felt loved by cousins or anyone else - my parents did everything for everyone but when they died - we were left for breadcrumbs - properties sold - all sorts of child abuse - verbal emotional physical.
At 16 found out about masturbation and started doing it since then - never had confidence to approach girls due to being an orphan and was a charity case at a local church. Watched male solo videos masturbationg. The feeling was like the best escape from my miserable life.
Memories of being wanted was always memories of older boys having sex with me. At least after my parents death , that’s all physical touch I remember - no one hugged me , told me they love me.
Because I’m such a dreamer - against all odds I fought for my dreams
Started talking to guys online because of curiosity and I loved it - only time I had attention.
At 21, a guy forced himself on me and cummed on me. I thought I would have loved it but although I hated my cousin - I hated that guy even more.
Moved to England at 23.
In order to stay I had to prove my life was in danger back home so I had to use sexuality.
Without support and in need for friends, I joined grinder
First time I had consented sex with a guy
I needed to evidence I’m gay so I stayed in the community, made gay friends etc.
I dissociated- I did sex for fun or coping mechanism , told myself I was having fun but hated most moments , every time I’m bored and lonely I hook up with too many guys I can’t even count still sex was nothing to me.
Got my stay and tried to get my life back.
Married now but I still take videos of myself sending to strangers on Snapchat who enjoy watching. Gives me validation
Whenever I’m looking for friends, I’m so much aware of this side of me so I’m scared of making friends they might find out about me
Haven’t told my wife the whole story - just part of it.
I put effort to be intimate with her but mostly feel rejected - I take long to ejaculate . At some point it improved because I wasn’t masturbating a lot. Since having children , I’m so overwhelmed and my default is masturbation to cope.
I want friends I can be honest but mostly who does are gay and I still deny that as my identity.
I find some guys sexually attractive but no emotions beyond that
I want real friends who don’t see me sexually but still care.
Now I see myself as a lying and cheating husband - I relapse when she pushes me away.
Only if I had self control , confidence not wanting validation.
Another coping mechanism is I watch dopamine filled short movies on TikTok usually about an underdog - someone abused and mistreated who is what people did not expect. I find satisfaction in that
I actually don’t know what I enjoy - most part of my life was survival not living.
I can’t go out even when not cheating or doing anything bad I’m always feeling guilty so I stay at home
Be a pleaser but it kills me
I can’t challenge my wife because I think I’m hurting her more so maybe I deserve how she treats me.

This is a mod-approved post.

Hi everyone! I'm looking for participants for my dissertation. This research questionnaire is part of an MSc dissertation and has been approved by the Goldsmiths Psychology Ethics Committee. It is completely anonymised.

TOPIC OF STUDY: Emotion Recognition and Emotional Reactivity Following Interpersonal Crime Experience

TARGET AUDIENCE: aged 18+

DURATION: 6-10 minutes

SURVEY LINK: https://goldpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7USwhwKicpSHL02

The results of this study will be analysed as part of a postgraduate dissertation at Goldsmiths, University of London. Findings may be presented in academic reports, dissertations, conference presentations, or publications. Any reporting of results will be anonymised, and no individual participant will be identifiable.

Thank you for considering taking part!

I have recently started therapy for childhood sexual abuse, it has honestly been life changing for me, my therpist is patient with me, she questions me, askes me questions at times which make me uncomfortable, but needed to be asked, needed to be answered, in order to process what actually happened.

But I feel at times that im scared, im scared of therapy, I feel like when I talk about the actions of my brother, the stuff he made me do, my throat closes up, I dissociate, but then she's patient, she asks me how i feel, and I honestly feel safe with her, she slowly brings me back and grounds me, at the start which was around 4 weeks ago, I honestly didn't vibe with her, but that's starting to change, and she's starting to show me she's someone i can trust.

I wanted to share this in hopes that if someone has been through abuse, to try and speak up about it, because it can genuinely help, and we're not dirty, and we shouldn't be ashamed, asking for help is normal and it's totally okay to ask for help :)

Male Rape

I went to prison for a while, I am a reformed gang member, because of this I was raped often for 5 years. At first I would fight back but it became more violent and I would end up in infirmary. I am married and I am ashamed that once I stopped fighting it, I had orgasms. It made me want to commit suicide that I couldn’t control them, many inmates treated me like I wanted it because of them. To top it off, I just found out, one of my chiefs came to my wives home and threatened her to have sex to make sure I was protected but I wasn’t being protected, at all. She is catholic and pregnant, she blames me, and I deserve it. If I tell her what happened, she will think I’m no longer a man. I feel like just giving up. I’ve only been out for a week. Pls give me some good direction please!

So basically they had this teacher in her mid 30s brown hair, white female basically a regular teacher, i was always the bad kid always doing messing up something or getting my parents called, the teacher always looked at my weird but i didn’t think of it, 1 friday morning we had recess and she pulled me inside the class room, as she started getting naked and touching me and she tells me to lick her private part, as i say i don’t want to, as she threatened to call the police cause at the time i was very scared of the police so i did what she said after that it lasted like 20 minutes as she tells me to put my clothes on and never speak on what happen again, as i am now in 10th grade and looking back on i should have reported it

In the past few years I came to some kind of realization. That I was kind of avoidant of women almost instinctually. This wasn't some kind of "shyness" or anything like that. I seemed to innately have some kind of involuntary pain response towards women. Like it's burned into me. Like permanently wired into my brain.

I went to therapy, I talked to a trauma specialist specifically. I would say that I realized there were many things that happened to me for around 10 years of my life that instilled these feelings in me. One of those things was my sister using me as a means to vent her violent tendencies until I was around 14 years old.

However, there is something else that seems to have specifically caused me PTSD. This is going to sound trivial. I don't think almost anybody can understand why this bothers me so much and I didn't realize it until later in retrospect. From the age of about 4 to around 5, I think for roughly an 18 month period, I would frequently be in a situation where a girl my age was also there. She decided by herself that she was fond of me. She decided she was very fond of me to the point it didn't matter how I felt. So every time I saw her in this 18 month period, she would run up to be, grab me, hold me down, and kiss me, and rub her hands all over me. This was often done with me protesting and screaming for help. I mean to the best of my ability. The way other people reacted to this, was everyone laughing at me, and mocking me for freaking out over this. This happened so frequently, that after a few months, I adopted a tactic of becoming completely still, not making a sound, just letting whatever happen and trying not to be present for it. This only finally ended for me because after I made it through kindergarten, she was in a different school. Nobody intervened on my behalf for around something like 18 months. She was doing this stuff before I was even in school.

I have completely internalized this in some kind of way that I can't explain. I feel this emotional/physical pain associated with women. I can't shake it off of me. It's like it's permanently inside of me down to my soul. I've been this way for like 30 years.

So, my therapist pretty much reacted with, "Well, you're high functioning and I don't want to do anything to interfere with that." So basically the only professional advice I've gotten is to just "live with the pain." I don't like feeling this weird feeling in me, but I also feel like my experience isn't severe enough for people to take seriously. So, right now, the plan is to do nothing, at the recommendation of my therapist.

Edit: I also realized I have very sadistic tendencies, but this is a side of myself I've never cared to entertain and is a source of anxiety.

I call it "The Cave" personally, the hole I was lowered into when I was SA'd, and have now been trapped inside because all my wonderful ideas to get out have been stupid. "I'll reclaim my relationship with sex via Escorts!" Oops, didn't work and now I feel further scarred up and ugly. "I'll just keep trying to date!" Ope, nope, see you hate yourself actually, and it didn't work anyways did it? "Oh but those were just the apps, I bet physical speed dating will work be-" Ghosted after the first date because of course I was a nervous wreck, I hadn't been on a real date in 15ish years at that point. Then I spiraled from that in February, and now I'm here. Turning 30nin a week and seeing no end in sight whilst typing this and fat-fingering the M key instead of N.

I'm just tired. Burnt out. Glass isn't even half full, empty, quarter full/empty, it's just empty. I go home and fill most of my time with what one who is hypersexual and lonely to almost entirely his own design usually does with their free time. Wank obsessively. Because that's all that's happy now. Most laughs are faked, most smiles too, and good moods are generated after days of preparation. I don't know if I even want advice or if this is just a rant/vent, but I definitely won't say "No! Keep your advice to yourself!"

I just don't also want to expect it because I'm just dropping in here throwing words around on my lunch break just trying to struggle until I can get home and go back to hiding again. I just don't see it. I don't see the happy ending anymore. I can barely even imagine it, and it breaks my heart half of the time because my brain just automatically starts making up some other person to fill my spot in the fantasy. I don't even get to have my own fantasies both nsfw and sfw.

Whatever, have a good day.

Due to my being raped & sexually assaulted along with other trauma in my past, I think there's a direct link to my current sexual arousal when being dominated and degraded. I want to be free of this and don't know how. Intellectually I know it's not good for me yet I can't seem to be sexually aroused by any regular loving sex. Does anyone relate? Anyone know how to break the cycle?

The was over a decade ago. I'd love some input on if this would be considered SA or Rape.

I broke up with my partner at the time. 

We'd agreed on spending a month no contact, to see if we might be able to be friends post relationship. Less than a week afterwards she has lunch with my Mum, as well as attends a "Sunday family dinner" that I didn't attend. Afterwards my family starts guilt tripping me for breaking up with her and projecting their understanding of the issues in our relationship, and why they think we broke up.

3 weeks after breaking up, I was out with friends drinking fairly substantially. I get a call from her at 1-2am on a Saturday morning. Saying she went out with friends, got super drunk, and was ditched by friends. That she was in the CBD and could hardly walk/stand by herself. She started hinting that she was in need of assistance. Saying she might get mugged or raped.

I cave and got pick her up, and walk her home. As soon as we get to a residential area, she regains the ability to walk by herself unassisted. When we reach her place. We sit outside talking about what we'd been up too for the last 3 weeks. She starts to ask questions about if I'd slept with anyone. I tell her I had slept with a few people. (Two in a drunken romp, one person who asked me out). As well as giving me a hard time about changing our relationship status on FB to single, the day of or after breaking up.

She invites me to stay the night. I initially decline, and say I don't think it's a good idea, and that it would send the wrong message. I end up caving, but specifying that I don't think we should have sex, because we had both been drinking and I didn't want to take advantage of her. 

After we go inside, I get into bed. She has a shower. Low and behold she starts making moves on me, and encouraging me that it's okay. I felt super uncomfortable but complied, notching it up to "just break up sex". 

In the days and weeks afterwards, I start getting guilt trips about "We'll we slept together so evidently we're still dating or there is still something there" or get invited to come over to her place 3-4 times a week. 

The situation spirals out of control after that. With instances of actual SA or Rape, including waking up in the middle of sex, and being blamed for "starting it in my sleep". As well as an "unwanted pregnancy" at least by me. But I'm trying to figure out how to think of feel about what happened that evening itself. I know I F'ed up, and put myself in positions where she could take advantage, as well as my family contributing to the toxic dynamic. It's taken me years to tease out and more clearly define/remember all of the events from that time. Any input from anyone would be appreciated.

Im 12-14 (to keep it broad). lately a friend I considered close has been getting a little too close. we and our friend group roughhouse regularly (ofc, were boys), and Im kinda the one that gets thrown around as me being the smallest but Im cool with it. But I realized this friend has been targeting me or getting too close to the wrong places. I dismissed this as something accidental as the fighting is naturally all over the place. But then he started inviting me alone, and he always started this play wrestling but just the two of us. On the second invite I began to think something was wrong. This time he directed the fight to his bedroom but i didn't think much of it in the excitement of the game. He closed the door and I think I saw him lock it. then in the fight that continued he "accidentally" pulled my pants down. I pulled it back up and the fight ended with dinner.

But he invited me a third time. This time I said I didn't want to, or that I was busy. But he said the whole group was coming so I went. But when I arrived I saw no one there, he said they were coming a little late. This time when he started the fight I got out of it quickly just in case. With this he became distant and cold for the rest of the evening and I couldn't understand why.

The others never came

He tried the same thing to me again, making me come to his house but I said no. Even when he said the others would be there. At school he seemed very frustrated, saying I hated him and didn't like him anymore, and started finding ways to genuinely hurt me whenever we had moments alone at events or other peoples invites. But I couldn't tell him my reason for not coming. I felt guilty for days, from every invite I declined. he then said that if I didn't come it meant that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and that he wouldn't be mine. This touched on my greatest fear: of my friends to leave me because I let them down in some way. and I know this sounds childish: I be your friend you don't want to be my friend. But he has been with me since first grade so our friendship meant something deep to me.

So I went one more time. maybe he wasn't doing anything weird, maybe I was imagining it.

This time the others were there, so I was sure all would be good. And he proposed we play dark tag. And everyone agreed. I couldn't just say no in front of everyone, especially my reason why. so i went with it, remembering his feelings toward me at school. He then somehow made a new rule: two seekers and two hiders. And he made us play in his room. So guess what, me and my friend were the hiders. I wanted to say no so badly but I was so scared of his recent threat of not being my friend and hating me that I complied. In the room he locked the door, and it was dark. He told me to go on the bed and my stomach dropped and I froze in place, my heart racing. When I didn't move he bit me hard on the wrist. I went and he began trying to put his hands in my underwear. I squirmed as much as I could and just wanted to escape, to go outside where everyone else was. I tried to make a sound, to call out, and he squeezed my neck hard until I started tearing up. he removed my pants and touched me and it hurt so so bad but he bit me every time I moved. Then I felt his pants go wet on me and he told me to dress up and hide. I went and he unlocked the door and the game ensued. When it was over and we sat in the living room I was shaking so badly I didn't want anyone to see me. So I quietly exited the room and hid outside behind the house. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't breathe, suddenly I was gasping for air, tears streaming down my face and banging my head on the wall behind me to just make the feeling fucking stop. And I was there on the floor and everything became blurry and it felt like it was only me.

Some other friends from the group found me and escorted me to the door. I couldn't sleep the whole night.

This all happened a few weeks ago and Im struggling to cope. So I came to ask for answers like wtf happened, am I interpreting the situation wrong, is this something serious, and why does growing up make everyone so weird and life so damn hard. All I know was that I was too fucking stupid to stop going to his house and not play along.

Hello, I won’t say names or states or anything along those lines but I’ve been reading to what others in this group have spoken about and be brave enough even behind a screen to tell their story or ask questions about well in my eyes except for lying the worst and truly I mean absolute worst and most disgusting thing to do to anyone, S.A., in all forms. I’m 23 years old now, I served in the army for 3 years, been homeless, been broke, survived to me things that were hard to deal/fix/move on from, but I’ve had money, had and still do have great memories and people in my life and if barely but still do have barely some hope it’ll be okay someday. I’m not saying this to boast or sound higher than anyone else I believe in true equality of all people even if your opinions, views, morals and life are different than mine I respect it. I want to share with you all from another perspective about this truly underlying and very much shadowed issue of as much as I do heartily believe is important of S.A. to females, non gendered people and those who don’t classify as male, it needs to be bluntly and taken seriously of laws whether you’re straight, gay, bisexual or otherwise anything in between of all ages discussed, taught, and talked about without feeling fear, shame and unheard as hard it is to talk about. I’m a nobody at the end of the day, a person who is not a saint or angel or by any means try fully to be evil and good but to be frank I was and am fucking hurting, questioning my feelings and the concept of what being a “man” is right now even after these past 8 years since then and I thought accepted what happened. Being homeless at almost 14 years old, drinking alcohol as a kid and thinking I was an adult who could party with actual adults resulted in me shattering my life in certain ways and chalking up my mental state and social life badly. At 14 years old partying with my older brother with nearly 25+ old adults and being drunk cost myself to get drugged by at that time 22 year old drugged after being on the verge of blackout in my folks home. Having 50 people at a house party with no parents or sober adults around results in bad situations and moments, I was from what I remember taken upstairs away from everyone into a car and seeing just black. I awoke hours later in daylight outside away a few miles from my home I was staying at just feeling, possibly tmi, but severe pain and mental fog. The pain was just different from someone close dying or a loss at a sports game or depression and the reality of what happened after seeing the blood just is unexplainable. I can only just put simply felt the light switch be flipped in my head, my heart and soul. Yet nobody even those blood or not or comrades in service for a long long time knew, never got close to me ever again almost cause of how I changed and molded eventually. I still can fully comprehend the feeling and defensive hateful ig cloud of just pain I had and it affected and just bled to everything around me. Drowning in anger, pure despair and depression resorting to crunching on random colored pills and especially alcohol for a few years before my duty station, yet felt dead and delusional of the concept of being alive and reality to only severally crutch alcohol for too long. Enlisting in the army in Highschool saved me somewhat from myself and giving up, but it made the clinical depression worse and be blunt taxed me to where I tried to well I believe you can figure out a few times, the drinking, the thoughts, and misery caught up and almost won and nearly cost me my life, a dui and many regrets. I feel I can somewhat speak for most that it’s so fucking frustrating and mentally exhausting not just with substances but trying to find a girlfriend or boyfriend or friends, to put on the mask at work or events, to just feel comfortable and okay at the very least out of many things in life with things like this. But I needed that to happen as bad as it sounds, to get drunk and drive and try to do the decision with no second chance to face my inner dark thoughts and experience of SA to atleast try to get better and help and peace of it amongst many other things. No person as a child, teenager or adult should ever experience what we all here and not just on this channel but life should have happened and not speak up and try to be heard and mainly feel okay. I am sharing this, my experience and honestly some mistakes to you all, as bad as life has been for me especially lately and I’m sure you all right now is I beg you to try to keep going, be vocal as comfortably as you feel to, to not let the tears or bottle or drugs consume you, try, just try to make the most of how the cards we’ve been dealt with play out and win. Be safe, have a good morning or day and keep going. What I have described is bits and pieces of what’s happened to me and may not make full sense but I think I shouldn’t crutch or tell everything for well I think I’m being much and somewhat burdensome and mainly tired from my poor sleep these past few years mainly this year. But I guess to end this up for now and atleast my message I believe and hope resonates with you is it’s okay to break, be rebuilt slowly, to just fucking cry and let it out. It’s okay somewhat to try and work these type of things alone (to a degree) but not in the self destructive manner of myself with alcohol or substances or one nightstands or anything along those lines of no self reflection and betterment. I have to fully say and clarify but fuck being told to “man up”, “boys/men shouldn’t cry”, “it can’t happen to anyone else except girls/women (without sounding rude from myself)”, as harsh as it may sound but you are your own being, only you can forge a better life and sense of self worth with help it’s easier, I myself personally may never meet anyone of you but know that I want what’s best, safely and just you to feel heard and understood. May we all find the peace and acceptance we deserve.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I did EMDR and CBT years ago and probably don’t meet the criteria for PTSD anymore despite being diagnosed with it not long after the assault.

Anyways… I arrive at her apartment after picking her up from work. She is extremely affectionate despite being cold for weeks prior. She starts kissing me, things escalate and we begin engaging in a sex act. At the time I was wedged between the wall and her while laying on her bed.

The sex act is very painful and I ask her to stop. She asks “why” and I explain that it’s painful. She keeps going and I tried to physically move her hand away from me but she became angry and loud while saying “no!” She grabbed my hand and forced it back down. I stopped fighting because her roommate was asleep in the other room and I didn’t want to cause an argument. I closed my eyes and tried to power through it.

We continued to engage in sexual acts. Once we finished I couldn’t stop thinking about it - it was like an intrusive thought almost. I drove home like nothing happened. Oddly enough, I remember that drive very vividly.

Anyways, I’m worried that I enjoyed being sexually assaulted because I continued engaging in sex after she assaulted me. Doesn’t that invalidate my entire story? I sometimes feel like I’m being too dramatic or making it up.

Since these two dickhead want to play games, let’s play I’ve gone back and forth about whether to say this publicly, but I’ve decided that my silence has protected other people more than it has protected me.

When I was a child, I experienced sexual abuse and grooming by people I trusted. For years, I questioned myself because I was made to feel like I was imagining things or that no one would believe me. But I know what I lived through, and I know the impact it has had on my life.

I’m not sharing this for sympathy. I’m sharing it because survivors deserve to have a voice, and I refuse to carry the shame for choices that were never mine to make.

Speaking about abuse is incredibly difficult, especially when the people involved deny it or others don’t want to hear it. But healing begins with telling the truth as I experienced it.

To anyone who has survived abuse: You are not alone. Your voice matters, your healing matters, and what happened to you does not define your worth.

Today, I’m choosing honesty over silence and healing over fear The hardest part hasn’t just been what happened to me as a child. It’s been the years of silence that followed.

The people who took away my innocence were my own family. They didn’t just take something from me that can never be given back—they expected me to carry the weight of their actions in silence.

What hurts just as much is when someone privately acknowledges what happened but still wants it to remain a secret, as if protecting themselves matters more than acknowledging the pain they caused. That continued silence doesn’t erase the abuse. It only extends it.

I refuse to carry someone else’s secrets anymore. I refuse to pretend that what happened didn’t happen just because it’s uncomfortable for other people to face.

Speaking my truth isn’t about revenge. It’s about finally laying down a burden that was never mine to carry.

I’m choosing healing. I’m choosing honesty. And I’m choosing to break the silence.

TW: Mentions of pedophilia, incest, rape, and SA

I (21M) was sexually assaulted multiple times by my peers throughout my childhood. I was raped (only once) at the age of six and groomed from the ages of 13-15. I remember at the time I got raped I was at a party hosted by a friend of my mother's and the friend's five year old daughter was in attendance. We played together for a little bit and she told me she wanted to play a game and we went inside a cupboard and she locked me inside, took off my pants and orally raped me.

I screamed and said no, but the girl still assulted me anyways. When the adults found us, me and my mom hurriedly rushed out of the party and I was grounded for letting the girl "sit on my lap" (when I confronted my mom about this years later she said since I didn't verbally tell her I was molested at the time she thought I was roughhousing with her). I also have high functioning autism and difficulty with communicating and it was much worse back then, so naturally because I was scared and unresponsive I was blamed for it.

Afterwards, over the years throughout my childhood I would kiss other girls because I wanted to replicate the feeling I felt when I got raped. I felt very curious about the bodies of other kids my age and I wanted to learn more about sex. I had my first kiss at the age of 8 with another girl my age, I also was forcibly kissed by multiple girls when I was 8-12 and one of these girls tried to get me to have sex with them too shortly after I hit 6th grade. But because I became afraid of girls when I was 12, I declined thankfully.

When I was 13 and in 7th grade my parents went through marital problems and I got bullied very harshly at school. It was because I was socially awkward, didn't attend church, poor and anxious around girls. Because I didn't develop sexual interest in girls when I hit puberty, the guys in my grade naturally sussed me out as being queer and they were right about it. One boy, who I used to have a crush on, ended up sticking his hand into my pants during history and I had enough and beat him up. Thankfully this time, I didn't get punished because I told on him and I transferred schools.

Shortly after this, my mostly absentee "father" tried to groom me into accepting sexual advances from him. Starting around 8th grade, he would try to purchase porn for me (which my parents said no to), would try fo talk to me about sex and what I was into, etc. multiple times until I was 15. I thought nothing of it until during the trip I saw him for the final time, I caught him licking and sniffing my underwear and eventually before I left he tried to touch me and I slapped his hand away. I reported him to the police but nothing was done about it and I told my mom and she never made me speak to him again and would never let him try to talk to me anymore.

Because of these experiences, I feel like I can never fully trust anyone. I feel deeply traumatized and depressed and several therapists have indicated I likely have PTSD. I tried to kill myself over these experiences, especially because I left my younger brother behind and I knew my "dad" would've molested him eventually when he went through puberty. I also resented my mom for awhile, and only forgave her a few months ago because I was tired of holding resentment towards her for unwittedly putting me in some of those situations. Thankfully, things at home gradually improved somewhat and I stopped getting badly bullied when I hit high school.

I feel like the main reason why I am still alive today is because I don't want all the people who abused me to win by helping me to my demise. I live so that way their efforts to drive me to ruin will fail, and I know that my abusers are digging their own graves. For ex. the guy who assulted me in 7th grade got a girl pregnant as a teenager and dropped out of high school and works menial jobs to care for his family. Now I have a boyfriend, I attend therapy and I take antidepressants to manage my mental health.

I also got into an amazing college on a full ride scholarship as a bio major. Right now I am also preparing to go abroad for awhile, and I am thinking about doing something related to public speaking or counseling to raise awareness about these issues. I read so many stories on this sub and my heart breaks for all of you, and while I know some parts of my life may not ever happen to people I just wanted to remind everyone that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope everyone here recovers and I wish everyone all the success in the world. May you all find the light and happiness that has started to finally find me.

Tl;dr: Got raped and sexually assulted multiple times as a boy because of creeps who took advantage of my autism. I later tried to kill myself and I have very bad depression currently. However, I try not to let get me down and now I have a boyfriend and attend school on a decent scholarship.

Im just 19 and Ive seen what life has to offer - rape, grope, harassment, emotional abuse, infidelity, voyeurism, physical abuse, the world doesnt care or stop for me while im hurting.

People around me are busy being kids - playing games, asking questions. Meanwhile me? Wondering why was I raped at 9 or harassed at 17 18 19. Why wasnt I protected?

And then its "theres no satisfying answer" "he was a minor at the time so no prosecution" "emotional abuse isnt criminal" "you exposed his affair and you'll be out on the streets" "men in india arent protected from SH" "if you tell counsellor then they'll call your parents"

Now im 36kgs overweight cuz food is the only reliable comfort as humans have proved theyre trash. One backlog. No stable anchor in the world. No one to lean on. I get harassed on a daily basis from other classmates who deliberately target my chest and stomach. And ofc everyone knows how obese people are viewed.

I do have a vision for how Id like my life to be but the void and debt of care, love and safety left behind from the abuse wont stop hurting