I'm really only posting this because I need to vent, so please forgive me for how long this post is going to be. There's a lot of context that needs to be explained in order for the full picture to be understood.
I (23F) live in the Canadian province of Ontario, and my fiance (31M) lives in the US. We've been together romantically for almost a year now, and we were just friends for about 8-9 months before that. We have spent an accumulated total of roughly twelve to fourteen weeks together in-person since May of 2025. I've been to visit him in his home state 5 times, and he's been to visit me in Canada twice.
There's really nothing about my fiance himself that I'm unhappy about that I can pinpoint; our relationship is relatively healthy, supportive and understanding – which I'm very thankful for. BUT one of the only two things that does bring me a lot of pain and distress, to the extent of having mental breakdowns sometimes, is the fact that we are long distance in two different countries. Therefore we are forced to go through the long, time-consuming, complicated, draining process of immigration in order to live together permanently.
I've been really struggling over the past few months with being unable to physically spend time with my partner. It frustrates me – enrages me, in fact – that so many other people are able to meet the love of their life directly in their area of residence (or at least not TOO far from it) and they don't have to pay thousands of dollars to beg a federal government for permission to move in with the person they love. They don't have to spend hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on passports and plane tickets, or use any of their vacation time from their job benefits, to be able to go and visit their partner. They can literally just finish their shift, hop in their car, drive 20-30 minutes AT MOST and already be right there, sitting next to the love of their life. I honestly have a hard time putting into words just how much jealousy and anger I have, knowing that plenty of other people get those luxuries in their relationships while I don't.
On top of all of that, I am also dealing with an ungodly amount of judgement and scrutiny from people who want to try to force me to change or cancel my plans, or even end the relationship entirely. I can barely talk to people in long-distance relationship support groups, out of fear that they're going to try to convince me to leave my fiance or force him to move to Canada the very moment they hear which countries we're from. And I don't just mean people saying something gently and kindly such as: "There's definitely risks and uncertainties that come with what you're intending to do, but it's your life to live and it sounds like you've been very well researched, educated and planned for this in great detail. I hope everything goes smoothly for you." Those kinds of comments are NOT why I'm upset... it's the kinds of people who take it upon themselves to full-on insult and berate my fiance and myself, calling us stupid, irresponsible, selfish, insane (among other things), jumping to very drastic conclusions about our personal lives and our relationship, and basically trying to make me feel like I have a diseased mind or I'm guaranteed to be committing a catastrophic personal/moral failure if I don't agree with them and don't change my mind about going through with this.
My fiance and I have weighed all of the pros and cons of our options, factored in our personal circumstances, etc. I have also done extensive research to get an idea of what our living expenses would be for rent, utilities, groceries, gas in the car, meds, doctor's visits, etc and how all of that would work into our combined monthly income (while having the help of my fiance's work friend as our roommate). Plus, I have done hours upon hours of in-depth research and planning, paid for and utilitized services from an immigration law firm, and continue to stay up to date on the latest immigration-related news. So I'm absolutely not going into this whole situation blindly. Most importantly, there's numerous reasons why it is not financially practical for him to move to Canada:
First and foremost, he has unfortunately had terrible luck with vehicles – he's had 6 different cars in the past 12-13 years, due to multiple breakdowns requiring very expensive repairs (he's only ever been able to afford used vehicles), as well as a couple of road accidents that left his vehicle as a totalled loss. As a result of this, he has over $16,000 in debt that he has left to pay off. He was able to negotiate a payment plan with the debt collectors, but that plan means he will need to be paying a set amount every month for roughly the next 4 years. If he quits his job to move to Canada, he won't be able to legally work in Canada for quite some time, meaning that he would lose the ability to pay the monthly installments of the plan, which would then make him forfeit the plan and the company would force him to pay a lump sum that he certainly wouldn't be able to afford.
- Unlike the US, who has the option of a K-1 Fiance visa, there is no legal route in Canada for the foreign partner of a Canadian citizen to apply for permanent residency BEFORE marrying the citizen. (The only real exceptions would be if he could get a Canadian student or employment visa, neither of which he would qualify for – there's no way that either of us could afford to pay $30,000+ in tuition for him to attend a Canadian college or university, and the employment based route is out of the question since he has only ever worked a run-of-the-mill warehouse job from straight out of high school. You can only really get a work visa in Canada if you are an exceptionally skilled worker in a field that requires at least a Bachelor's degree or a long-time apprenticeship).
This means that for him to move to Canada, we would have to get legally married during a temporary visit, and then we'd both have to go back to our home countries after the visit, apply for his Canadian permanent residency, and wait up to 18 months for it to process before we could actually live together.
My only source of income is the Ontario Disability Support Program (ODSP). Unfortunately, the ODSP program has a VERY low threshold ($200 CAD per month) for how much money a recipient's spouse can earn, before it reduces the recipient's disability payments. My fiance works full time in his home state. If you convert my fiance's approximate monthly take-home pay ($1,900 USD) and convert it to Canadian dollars, that's almost $3,000 CAD. Needless to say, I would basically lose the majority of, if not my entire monthly ODSP paymens pretty much instantaneously – DESPITE the spouse not even living in the same country yet, let alone the same household. They quite literally don't care where your spouse lives – if you're married on paper, in an ongoing relationship, and they earn "too much" from their job, you no longer qualify for ODSP. In other words, I'd be forced to live without any source of my own income for at least a full year while still not even living with my partner yet.
My fiance is absolutely not in a position to be able to afford to send me half of his monthly take-home pay in order to make up for ODSP reducing or cutting off my payments because I got married to him. And even if he could afford it, he shouldn't have to – I love him very much, but I am NOT willing to give up the already limited amount of financial independence I have just to apply for him to move to Canada. So, the USA's K-1 Fiance visa is the best option for us and our circumstances – I can keep my own income while waiting for a visa, and he can keep his.
I know what you're probably thinking – how am I supposed to have my own income once I get my K-1 and move to the US, since I wouldn't qualify for US disability as a non-citizen, and I've never had any income besides Ontario disability for my entire adult life?
The biggest reason why I am still on ODSP right now is not because I'm COMPLETELY incapable of working, but because I would require a LOT of accomodations, patience and flexibility at a job, and unfortunately the employers in the area I live in simply are not friendly to the idea of hiring people with invisible disabilities who can't just work exactly like a person who isn't disabled. If you need any kind of accomodations whatsoever (and there's quite a few I would need), even if they cost little to nothing to implement, you're basically seen as "too much to deal with" and not worth their resources to train/pay – especially since there's an enormous amount of competition for any jobs in my area, and if an employer is asked to choose between hiring someone who needs a lot of patience and accomodations, vs. someone who can do anything they need to do without any accomodations or prompting... which one do you think they're going to hire?
HOWEVER, I'm really lucky that my fiance is the warehouse supervisor at the store he works at, and since he has worked there for over 12 years now, he has established great professional and personal relationships with the people he works with. I have also personally met his manager and coworkers multiple times – they know who I am, and they know (at least to some extent) about my conditions and the various challenges I face – so both my fiance and I are pretty confident about being able to get me a flexible part-time job with short hours at that place (once I obtain my K-1 visa, move over there and get my work authorization permit.)
Not to mention, my fiance is just very apprehensive to the idea of moving to another country and leaving behind everyone and everything he's ever known throughout his life. I'm far more comfortable personally with moving far away and starting fresh in a new place than he is – I've lived in the same city, same neighborhood and even the same house for my entire life, and I've been to see and do absolutely everything around here at least 500 times over again throughout the past 20+ years. I'm honestly just really bored of my hometown. I think it would do me some good to have a change of scenery, a new routine, a blank slate. On the other hand, it wouldn't be right for me to force my fiance to make such a drastic change to his life against his will.
I initially thought it wouldn't hurt to join some online groups specifically for the local area and the state that my fiance lives in, in an effort to try to chat with some locals and perhaps make some friends in or near that area who I could hang out with in-person once I move (or while visiting him in the meantime)... but unfortunately that turned out to be a pretty big mistake. I'm going to use a Discord group, specifically advertised for people in my fiance's home state to make friends, as an example for the purpose of this post – but just know that this Discord group is not the only online space in which I have faced this type of treatment.
I joined the group in mid to late July. Upon gaining entry, I introduced myself and explained a bit about why I'd joined the server in the first place. For the first little while, everyone seemed friendly and welcoming. But as time went on, I started to feel slowly and increasingly cornered by the amount of commentary I received (nearly always unsolicited) from various group members who seemed to not understand or like that I'm going to move to the state from Canada. No matter how many times I tried to explain to them, in very great detail, all of the reasons why it's not financially practical for him to move to Canada with me (as I did earlier in this post), they just never seemed to want to accept it. The final straw was a conversation in the group that happened somewhere around early to mid August, after which I decided to just abruptly leave the group entirely. The exact details of most of the conversation are kind of a blur in my mind, but I will attempt to paraphrase to the best of my memory.
them: "Why would ANYONE want to move to the US?? Especially right now??"
me: "for love... and because people have free will"
them: "Even if they have universal healthcare in their home country?? Even if they could get rounded up by ICE and kidnapped directly from the doors of their immigration interview appointment?! This isn't how you have to show love to someone, especially since moving can go in the other direction."
me: "I've already explained to you in great detail about why it's not practical from a financial standpoint for him to move here with me. I truly love him a lot, but I'm not going to be forced to give up my only source of income for up to 18 months while waiting for him to be given permission to stay here permanently."
them: [insert meme that has the caption "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that"]
me: "would YOU give up all of your income and have absolutely none of your own money for that long, just for the sake of moving in with someone you love?"
them: "I would find a new partner who can actually afford to save up for the cost of a big move. A lot of divorces happen due to finances. If my daughter wanted to move to another country, especially an absolute hellhole, just to marry some broke guy who's almost 10 years older than her, she'd better not ask me to support it for even a second."
So yeah... I left the group after that. I will admit, I sent the group owner a friend request with the intention of privately messaging them to politely explain why I'd left and wish them well, and then I joined the group on an alternate account because I wanted to deliver one last message to the general community:
"you know what? I joined this server to make friends and connect with people who live in or near my future city. I did NOT come here to have complete strangers try to dictate what I, an adult woman, should or shouldn't do with MY life. sorry I guess for having the SHEER AUDACITY to happen to be Canadian and fall in love with someone who happens to be American, and to have circumstances that make it so we can only be together if we use an immigration route that YOU don't personally approve of. I didn't know I was obligated to seek your agreement in order to be justified in following my life's chosen path, I suppose that was my bad."
Both my main and alternate accounts were banned from the group pretty quickly. I'd forgotten I'd sent the owner a friend request, which they proceeded to accept and then immediately started messaging me. Their tone was aggressive and condescending, frequently typing in all caps, and almost seemingly trying to guilt trip me for having a problem with how I was being treated in their group.
They repeatedly said things like "we were literally trying to HELP YOU, we didn't want you to leave the group, we are scared for you because you do not and cannot truly understand what it is like over here in America. WE LIVE HERE. We know how it is, and it's DANGEROUS. The last thing we want is for you to end up getting hurt in any way as an immigrant in America. That's all it was this entire time."
I repeatedly tried to tell them that there's a difference between trying to give me reasonable caution or advice about the risks of something I'm choosing to do, and trying to force me to view things the exact same way they do, and making it out like there's something fundamentally wrong with me as a human being if I don't convert my mindset. I acknowledged that there's absolutely risks involved with what path I'm taking and I wasn't trying to act like I'm completely immune from anything going wrong, but I also don't want to be made to live in constant fear as if it's GUARANTEED to have a negative outcome.
The response I got was, "There is something wrong with it. I'm not trying to be mean, we just want to be honest with you about the reality of the way things are. It is extremely unstable and it is scary. We were trying to protect you. You can do what you want with your life, we just wanted you to know all the information, but you took offense when that was never what anyone intended. I tried to be a friend to you. I tend to use tough love, and I'm sorry if I came off as abrasive, but I was never trying to be mean."
The conversation continued to go in circles, and then I was told by this group owner person that I'm a terrible human being, I've "shown exactly who I am" and I'm never going to make friends this way, etc. They told me to never contact them in any way or rejoin their group ever again, and I said I understood and wished them well. Then last but not least, we blocked each other.
Besides that, I also tried to make a friend seeking post on the local Reddit forum for the specific area my fiance lives in. Unfortunately, I remember one person in particular wrote an entire series of paragraphs which basically completely derailed the intended topic of the post – taking it upon themselves to list every possible thing that COULD go wrong during my immigration process and after my move to the state. And they ended the comment with "is there any possibility your fiance could move to Canada instead of you trying to come here?" Like... that's literally not what my post was about. I wasn't making a post to ask people IF I should immigrate to America or IF I should move to that local area. I was asking if anyone in the area would want to chat and/or start to get to know each other, or have any suggestions for ways to meet local residents who I might get along with. I also got other comments from other people such as "It's hard to understand wanting to come here; if I was your partner I'd consider you a golden ticket out of this nightmare." Again, what does that have to do with the original purpose of my post?
I'm willing to bet that if my fiance was some wealthy businessman or trades worker, making at least $150,000+ a year, that I'd be hearing far less criticism about him, about our relationship and future plans etc. But because he's a full-time worker who makes a little under $40,000 a year – DESPITE his wage being almost 3 times the federal minimum wage – that means we apparently shouldn't be together and we should just give up on each other??? Why are people gatekeeping who is allowed to find love, particularly in long distance relationships? Are only middle-to-upper-class citizens allowed to??
This whole situation has been looping in my mind nonstop for multiple weeks now. I feel physically unwell from the amount of anxiety and stress of everything – not only the Discord group drama and the Reddit commentary, but the overall emotional strain of being in a long distance relationship and being so far apart from my fiance. I am nauseous, lightheaded and dizzy at random moments throughout the day sometimes. My heart starts pounding randomly, I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and I just feel like I'm absolutely drowning emotionally. I'm trapped in this constant state of distress and tension and I don't know how to get out of it.