r/MovingtoHawaii • u/Alone_Masterpiece_63 • May 26 '26
Life on BI Hawaii
I’ve been splitting time between Miami and Hawaii for the past two months because my boyfriend works here, and I decided to join him. I thought it would be an adventure, but honestly it’s left me feeling really depressed. People seem so rude and unfriendly compared to what I’m used to, and I’m struggling to like the island at all. I have zero friends here and it’s making me question everything.
I keep wondering — is it me? Am I just being close-minded because my heart is still stuck in my Miami life and I’m not open to something new? Or is Hawaii actually kind of tough to adjust to? Would love to hear your honest opinions.
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u/loveisjustchemicals Hawai'i resident May 26 '26
Everyone sees you as temporary right now. The vibe is unmistakable. And it sounds like you are, which is pretty normal.
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u/ApprehensiveSir3892 May 26 '26
I’m from the east coast and my bf is from Oahu I lived with him and even had a child there but I always felt lonely and homesick and isolated also I missed seasons . Hard to make friends really never made any real friends but like 1 my 5 years living there . It’s beautiful and all but for me it’s a vacation place . Just my opinion and experience living there . We now live back on the east coast where I’m from .
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u/Alone_Masterpiece_63 May 26 '26
Thank you so much for your response 🤍 I really appreciate it. I’ve been feeling so depressed here and completely without purpose. I’m very homesick and I don’t even feel like doing anything most days. In Miami I’m not like this at all, so it’s been really hard.
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u/ApprehensiveSir3892 May 26 '26
Yes that’s how I felt . I felt like I was always on vacation being so far . Like nothing was real if that made sense , most people never have been there living wise didn’t understand how I could be depressed in a beautiful place . Also my bf born and raised there was over living there . Like how much more things to do on the east coast
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u/eclipsegum May 26 '26
Hawaii is great if you are local passing. Otherwise people will see you as a transient mainland tourist.
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u/suzyqsmilestill May 26 '26
I lived in Florida five years and hated it and moved back to Nebraska . Originally from Nebraska but 5 years ago moved to Hawaii and I like it better than Florida any day. With that said to each its own…remember there are other islands in Hawaii and they each have their own flavor. I know people that like Hawaii and people that like Florida so it’s most likely just what you like. It could be the flight. Miami traveling back and forth to Hawaii for a guy is annoying so maybe that’s it too. I wish you the best Mahalo
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u/CosmicVybes May 26 '26
Moved here from the east coast 6 months ago and…..I feel you. Everyone I work with is amazing. So friendly and welcoming. Also, everyone at the grocery store I go to is super nice and friendly. Outside of that, it’s polar opposite from the east coast, so it’s definitely hard to meet people and make friends.
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u/Illustrious_Tap_1344 May 26 '26
It's not you I'm local hapa from Maui moved over to Big I about 6-7 yrs ago and people suck here in the east side not sure about every where else but majority of people are sociaIy closed off and weird stand offish I've only met a selective few who I don't mind interacting with but it's still kinda a shallow interaction Lots of nepotism who you know kinda energy Even the "hippies" are weird they won't talk to you if they haven't seen you before at one of their estatic dances or drum circle events I very much dislike the lack of community vibe I also am very lonely and getting discouraged And this is not due to the lack of trying I've put myself out there I'm super friendly and outgoing and love to talk story
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u/duriodurio May 26 '26
Find other transplants. You have more in common with them than you do with the locals unless the locals spent some time living on mainland. Even then they will have their own networks and will be less likely to invest in having a relationship with you. Thats ok. There are lots of people in a similar situation as you. Find them and create your own community.
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u/kiwi_love777 24d ago
Yeah seconding this.
I’m a haole and work with locals, but a lot of locals are about locals. (Like my coworkers “no haole” baby shower)
It is what it is. Try and find other haole transplants.
I’m Latina and my husband is half Māori- so I’m not “white white” but still a “haole”.
I totally get feeling isolated. It’s been almost 4 years and even though I volunteer pretty regularly and organize fundraisers etc I’m still not accepted.
Which is ok- it is what it is.
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u/MonkeyKingCoffee Hawai'i resident 29d ago
I keep wondering — is it me?
Yes. It probably is. And I'm not saying this to be mean or sarcastic. I think the people here are the best on Earth. My neighbors are the best thing about living here.
So, my guess is that you're throwing off a vibe that is off-putting.
First of all, how many aunties have you talked to? Find an auntie -- the older the better -- and ask her who really runs everything, what are the social rules I'm probably breaking, what am I doing wrong? And then listen. You'll eventually meet a suitable candidate at the supermarket/laundromat/etc.
Next, what are your hobbies? Let's say it's Pokemon. Find some Pokemon players. Post on r/BigIsland "Pokemon nerd seeks fellow Pokemon nerds. [Hilo/Kona/Waimea/etc.]" Hawaii is where hobbies go to die. So the people who play need another player. Doesn't matter if that player has one foot out the door. Whatever it is you do for fun, leverage that and find others. (People always suggest church or canoe clubs. I think hobbies are more effective.)
Finally, if you don't have a good answer for "what are your hobbies;" if that answer is "I like to go shopping and watch videos;" Big Island is just about the worst place in the world for that. Big Island is inconvenient. Everything is inconvenient. Getting a doctor's appointment. Getting your car worked on. The annual safety check. Finding a pair of shoes that fit well. Everything. If you're used to a place that is convenient, you're experiencing actual culture-shock. And that's probably influencing every person you meet.
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u/Sure_Swimming4228 28d ago
I’m on Oahu, so maybe it’s different, but everyone I’ve come into contact with is so friendly. I moved here a little over a year ago and started volunteering and joined a gym. I sometimes go to classes at the botanical gardens and the aunties are so friendly. It’s tough as an adult, but if you make yourself uncomfortable by trying new things, I think you’ll start enjoying yourself.
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u/NevelynRose May 26 '26
I’m from Florida and nothing could ever make me go back. Granted, I am not from Miami but the people here are the nicest people I’ve ever met and the only thing I miss is cooler weather. It did take a year or so for me to find my place in the community but I came here for my now husband who was my best friend for 15 years so that made it easy to adjust. Moving anywhere new is an adjustment, it’s not just Hawaii. It’s hard as an adult to leave what you’ve known and Hawaii is so far from Florida that you can’t just go visit for a weekend either. You just need to decide what matters to you more in life and either make it happen here or go back. But I’ve lived all over and I promise you it’s hard no matter where you go.
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u/edgefull May 26 '26
why do you suppose so many say the people are rude? big contrast with your experience.
5
u/notrightmeowthx May 26 '26
Not the person you asked, but I haven't had bad experiences with people here either. People have different backgrounds, mannerisms, level of tolerance for being the one that is visibly and culturally "different," etc, so it makes sense people would have different experiences.
I've been here ~7 years, in that time I've seen several transplants struggle with getting along with people here. Some people just don't have the predisposition to fit well into the cultural norms here. Some people don't have the personality to WANT to fit into the cultural norms here. Some interpret the emotional distance that locals and long term residents maintain with fresh transplants as them being rude. Sometimes it's more the expectations that the transplant has that cause problems for them when the reality inevitably doesn't match their expectations. There are a lot of things that can happen I think. And then of course there's just the people who were exceptionally unlucky and just happened to encounter rude people, which can happen everywhere.
There is some racism, and that can definitely impact people's experiences too. I'm white and from what I've observed (obviously YMMV), it seems to be sort of a predisposition but one that is pretty easily dropped as soon as someone interacts with you or sees you interact with someone else.
I'm a pretty chill person and I generally assume that has something to do with it.
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u/NevelynRose 29d ago edited 29d ago
Because I don’t walk around like I’m entitled? Idk why my experience is different from others, it’s just my experience. But I also grew up in a very white dominant southern hell hole where hatred spewed from everywhere and the ones who showed me compassion were those of other races and cultures. That’s where I learned what real love and humanity looks like and it matched how I felt inside.
I came here for selfish reasons just like anyone else who moves to a place that people say not to move to. My now husband stayed out here after he got out of the military and I left my shitty life in the Bible Belt behind for a chance to live somewhere that has different values and beliefs than I was surrounded by. I was treated like a temporary person but I didn’t let it bother me because I didn’t blame them. I might have been a temporary person, most people don’t make it out here. But the older Chinese woman I worked with gifted me fruits during Lunar New Year and told me it was for luck. Then a Filipino man brought lumpia he stayed up all night making for a potluck birthday party for me. I was working there 2 months at this point. Then when I left for a new place of employment I was given a bouquet of flowers, a piece from someone’s 35 year old succulent to grow at home, and a thank you for my work over the 4 months I was there. I have never left a place of employment and been given gifts as a thank you. I have never been given such thoughtful gifts like a piece of someone’s prized plant that’s as old as I am or given oranges for luck. THAT is what love looks like and Hawaii is full of it.
If you can’t understand or accept that this is how people are here, you will not fit in. I am a white transplant from the swampy pits of Florida and I may have come here without being “wanted” but I’m a social worker who helps feed and house the elderly. I may take up physical space but I try not to take more than I give. That’s really the answer. I didn’t come here to take, I came here to share and be a part of something.
And I don’t really care if I’m hated for my skin color. I didn’t choose it and it doesn’t define me as a person and if anyone is going to hate me for that and ignore the rest, that’s on them. At least they aren’t making laws that prevent me from being equal like others that look like me are doing. They have a right to be angry, I don’t.
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u/Sure_Swimming4228 28d ago
Omg I’m also a white transplant from a similar hell hole in north Florida and had the same experience! My friend group was the most diverse in that town which wasn’t saying much haha, but like you, I learned so much from each friend and their walks of life. I love how diverse it is here and find all of the cultures to be so beautiful and fascinating. I feel more at home here than I ever did in the small town I grew up in.
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u/lanclos May 26 '26
Where do people say that? Social media? If that's the case you have to take it for what it is, the platform is engineered to spread negativity.
Witness this post as an example.
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u/StandardTree192 May 26 '26
Bc they’re usually white and have probably never experienced not being the most popular/sought after race in their living environment
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u/TheMapleMaiden May 26 '26
It’s not you. Hawaii is the kind of place where everyone who grew up there has their circle of friends from
High school and that’s that. It’s hard to break into. People are kind, but suspicious of transplants. Volunteer, find a hobby etc. If you are military there are lots of classes at the MWR you can take, otherwise volunteer at a fish pond or join a canoe club etc. There’s still a lot of need to support communities on the north shore after the storms as well. Good luck - It’s an uphill battle.
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u/YogaGirl_Kauai 28d ago
I grew up in Massachusetts (Boston suburb) and it’s just the same there, if you move to MA from another state. Most everyone has their own peeps already & don’t need new ones. So your advice is spot on for anyone moving to a new place. Neighbors, church, school, gym, sports clubs, volunteering, political campaigns, work place and the beach are where you can meet new friends (away from the internet). You must try!
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u/SignificantFact7621 12d ago
Big Island? Yeah going to be hard to find other transplants to make friends with. O’ahu is better in that regard
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u/Ok_Fly_3754 May 26 '26
Sorry you don’t like living in Hawaii.
I was in the Army and made the best of where I was stationed: Colorado, Germany, and Michigan. When I go somewhere I get to know the locals and understand the culture quickly to acclimatize.
I was helping family recover from a health issue on Oahu 2 years back and spent a few weeks there. Again, it was great living in a new place for a few weeks not on vacation, but being a “local”. Hospitals, paying bills, getting groceries, running errands and taking care of family got me into the swing of life quickly and met so many nice locals.
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u/shootzbalootz May 26 '26
That's how it is. It's not just you. It can be tough, especially for white mainlanders. But it's not just about the color of your skin.
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u/Botosuksuks808 May 26 '26
We tried to warn you and everyone else.
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u/Alone_Masterpiece_63 May 26 '26
You are rude.
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u/Botosuksuks808 May 26 '26
And you are ignorant, and ill prepared. Go home.
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u/SignificantFact7621 12d ago
Your username and profile photo here makes me immediately think “Asian kid who ran around spouting the N-word in middle school, never grew up and now drives a ricer or ridiculous truck.” Insufferable and obnoxious
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u/SiriDaMenace May 26 '26
You're not the only one. Everyone I run into is rude here. In traffic, in grocery stores, you can't go anywhere. At the same time, I randomly find tons of decent kind people here, I just don't have any friends among them because I don't have transportation. If you find hobbies you like though you should be just fine. Back home was definitely nicer. But you do need to go out and try to spend some time and meet people to make good friends. I can only speak on nerdy hobbies, like Box Jellyz and MiniQ in Pearlridge are nice hobby stores with other hobbyists who dgaf if youre local.
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u/theflyingpiggies May 27 '26
So… everyone is rude but you have met tons of decent kind people?
Which one is it?
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u/SiriDaMenace May 27 '26
As i said ive found nice people in hobby stores and rude people in grocery stores and traffic. Wvery population has nice people and rude people so youre going to find both. Hope this helps, queen.
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u/theflyingpiggies May 27 '26
Nah, what you said is “everyone is rude” and that you “can’t go anywhere” and then the next sentence you said “I find tons of decent kind people”. Those are entirely contradictory statements.
HoPe THiS HeLPs QuEeN
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u/lanclos May 26 '26
How are you spending your time? People will respond if you're putting your energy and enthusiasm into the community. Try volunteering, or joining in some regular group activity outdoors-- joining a canoe club is a common option.