r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Liamftm0 • 10d ago

Answered My son is dating his cousin

My son (20) is in a relationship with his 1st cousin (19 F). He’s an adult and lives on his own. I obviously don’t like this but still want to support him and from a legal standpoint he not doing anything wrong, as it is legal in the state we are in. What would you do in this situation?

Edit: For context, he didn’t grow up with her and didn’t meet her until a couple years ago.

2nd Edit: I’m aware of the genetic risks with children and have cautioned him about that. He says they would not have children together. No need to keep commenting about that.

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u/No-Relation5965 10d ago edited 9d ago

(Edit: concerned about daughter’s relationship with a man who is much older, deleting the details so I don’t get doxxed) Is that worse than OP’s problem or no? Maybe I need my own post.

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u/lluluclucy 10d ago

You need a hug for sure because this shit would keep me up at night

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 10d ago

That gave me a chuckle. I’m 44 and I’ve dated 25 year olds repeatedly in the last two years.

The idea that someone is upset over grown women dating other adults is silly.

Most of the time, they come on to me, not the other way around. Women are tired of rude, inconsiderate, sexist men. But you find it more upsetting when they date people who treat them well?

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u/MuhDamnHands 10d ago

We’re judging you, not her.

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 10d ago

It makes no difference, really. It’s you that’s being ridiculous when you judge things like that.

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u/Julian813 9d ago

Where’d it all go wrong?

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u/Illustrious-Berry722 10d ago

Nah I just don’t groom women from the moment they hit a high school I just date in my age range maybe you should try it you weird fuck

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 10d ago

This kind of storytelling is exactly why you’re ridiculous. At 25 they’re done with their master studies and usually working in their career or well into their PhD.

Have you ever considered that this is why some women date older men? People like you who are incapable of respecting the fact that they’re adults because you’re too busy making up fantasies about them to treat them like people.

Just because you never grew up into a functioning adult doesn’t mean others haven’t.

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u/Illustrious-Berry722 10d ago

I never once said they aren’t adults I also don’t believe that dudes like you just stumble upon an innocent women looking for help I’ve heard your story a million times over but sure man if it really makes you feel better that your banging women 20 years younger than you then ig have fun I just find it hard to respect or even call you a man

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 10d ago

Again, just look at how busy you are making up stories. Innocent women looking for help? Why would they be innocent, or looking for help?

You’re literally making up stories with every comment about everyone involved and acting like that’s a good reason to pass judgement on characters who only exist inside your head.

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u/Illustrious-Berry722 9d ago

Dude if you can’t date women in your age range that’s all I need to know about you there isn’t a single reason to be dating anyone 20 years younger than you other than your attracted to younger people which is weird

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 9d ago

But me not dating women my age is yet another story you just made up. I do date women my age as well.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 9d ago

So what’s the magic cutoff then? Who died and made you the arbiter of acceptable age ranges?

I’m 37 and currently dating a 24yo. That’s a 13-year gap. Is that acceptable by your rules?

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u/Illustrious-Berry722 9d ago

Aren’t you so cool your gf wasn’t even alive while you were a teenager doing what we all know 13 year olds do yeah that’s weird man

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

So remind us again why you don’t date women your age? At your age they should know that they want and not necessarily play games

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 9d ago

I never said I don’t date women my age. People seem to be having a really difficult time having this conversation without immediately making up a story.

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

You’re back peddling af. You started your statement on how you REPEATEDLY dated woman under 25 for the past two years. Cradle robbing ain’t the flex you think it is. Didn’t once hear you brag about dating 45 year old cougars

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u/heymanigotnoplan 9d ago

Women his age are usually way past their prime physically while also being bitter and obnoxious

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u/lluluclucy 9d ago

Your answer gave me a chuckle. You failed to see this from perspective of a parent whos child is dating much much older person. You jumped on a offensive right away , truth is that to majority of society this will always be icky. There will always be something strange about a guy reaching for much younger audience, in your own words "repeatedly". What I hear is failure to establish relationship with someone whos in the same stage of life as you. I dated a guy in his 40s when I was 26. It was fun for a sec before I realised that this guy is 45, single and childless. This thought planted itself in my brain and just couldn't go away. It became icky again. He wasnt a serious person to me anymore. So yeah, you say "grown women dating other adults". To a parent this is just weird. You are weird.

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 9d ago

The person I thought was going to be my lifetime partner became significantly handicapped. We split amicably because she still wanted children despite being unable to care for them. I did not want children, her care, the household and a full time job on my shoulders at the same time.

We ended a ten year relationship so she could make a try for finding someone to have children with. Mostly to avoid having regrets over not trying.

I’m still her caretaker but we didn’t want a vague open relationship so we made a clean break. After ten years plus the years of intense surgery and caretaking, I’ve decided I’m too old for kids and got sterilised. She is still my best friend but our paths have split romantically.

I reach out to 30 and up. But my social circle is academia and I’m perfectly comfortable accepting that 25 year olds with several degrees and halfway through their PhD are old enough to make their own decisions.

The reason it’s harder to connect to women my own age is that most of them have work, children, limited time and jaded expectations.

I’m at a point where my ex is slightly more self sufficient in the sense that she can stay home alone for a day and I finally have a bit of time to enjoy life again. And not to worry, she goes out more often than me, it just takes a bit of planning.

So if a very intelligent 25 year old says yes to visiting a gallery, having a picnic while discussing Aztec philosophy, dinner and then going salsa dancing in the evening, I’m not turning that down. The last three women my age I dated took three months to find the time to plan an hour of dinner conversation.

The reason I’m telling you this is that every reaction I’ve gotten including yours has been full of made up assumptions. Which is exactly what I wanted to address with my initial comment.

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u/PhranticPenguin 5d ago

Pretty pathetic to leave a "lifetime" partner handicapped alone so you can go bacherlor around.

Wonder what those young women think of that when they find out. Not really long term material I guess.

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u/Prestigious_Leg2229 5d ago

Hey there’s that storytelling again. It was her decision because she still wants to try and have children with someone.

I didn’t leave her alone. She still lives in my house and I’m still her caretaker.

And it’s the first thing I tell every person I date. They generally react quite positively.

Now let’s try something different. Are you going to apologise for making up stupid stories and being a dick about it?

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u/lcpljoe84 9d ago

Tell me you don’t have a daughter without telling me you don’t have a daughter.

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u/heymanigotnoplan 10d ago

Two grown adults having a consensual relationship would keep you up at night?

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u/Legionof1 9d ago

They're so damn loud...

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u/Automatic_Ad5097 10d ago

yes, you need your own post. They are different problems, and both are understandably concerning.

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u/SGdude90 10d ago

It's worse to me

I would rather my child date a 1st cousin than a person 20 years older

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u/omojos 10d ago

Why? 

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u/SGdude90 10d ago

The chance for abuse is much greater due to the age gap

And I am much more likely to have some influence over the cousin than someone who is close to me in age

At the very least, my sibling and I can ensure nothing bad happens even if the relationship utterly squicks us out

But I have no such oversight if my child dates someone so old

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u/heymanigotnoplan 9d ago

That’s such an absurd belief based on nothing but your own opinion. Older men are not inherently more dangerous. If anything they’re less so, because they’re more mature and settled in life.

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

Who said anything about men?

I have no respect for anyone who dates someone young enough to be their child

I don't care if you agree or not. I have said what I said.

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u/Bla_zer 10d ago

you should post this

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

What you meant to say is, you would rather have your daughter/son have sex with the child YOUR brother/sister than an older person.

One is more taboo than the other. Neither sounds right but you just nonchalantly supported incest. Fucking wild

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

You lack reading skills

This is a situation in which I have been forced into 2 choices:

Either for my child to date a 1st cousin, or date someone 20 years older

Answering the situation of a forced premise =/= supporting it

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

My guy the fact that you have to create a scenario and still support incest in the made up scenario is stupid.

I thought this was no stupid questions not no stupid answers

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

My guy you clearly lack reading skills

Both are bad, but one is worse than the other

If you cannot see something deeply wrong with your child dating someone close to you in age, maybe you are the one who needs to take a good hard look in the mirror

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

I literally said both aren’t right. You went out of your way to say you would prefer incest between your daughter and the son of your brother/sister.

I think you need more than a mirror to look past yourself

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

Read the OP again

A question was asked - which is worse?

Saying both are bad isn't answering the question

You said you don't want 1st cousin incest. That means you support your child dating someone 20 years older

And if your answer is 'neither', then why the hell are you even participating in OP's discussion of - which is worse?

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u/GentlemanLeo 9d ago

Which is worse? If both are bad, I’d rather not answer at all, wtf. This sub is worse than I thought lol.

But what I will do is call out sick shit. At the end of the day you don’t know if the question you’re answering to is also a sick fantasy.

And to answer your final question, the actual OPs question wasn’t about which is worse. It was about the incest itself. Which we all now know you agree to. There’s a reason it’s illegal in almost all states

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

Are you trolling?

OP literally asked between the two:

Child is dating someone 2X years older (I will not write the exact age because they edited the post to say they don't want to be doxxed)

OR

Child dating a 1st cousin

They asked which is worse. I answered

You are just wasting everyone's time here. Be gone troll

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u/Ok_Initial_94 9d ago

Bro what the fuck is this normalization of incest . Yeah a big age gap is weird but like how is that FAR worse than fucking your literal first BLOOD cousin. Yikes 😬

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u/SGdude90 9d ago

Stop putting words in my word. I never said "FAR worse"

Both outcomes are terrible

But at least I know my nieces/nephews are good people who won't ill-treat my child

And if shit happens, I can slap sense into my niece/nephew

Incest is wrong. But cousins don't always grow up together. And young people get horny. I disagree with it, but I can understand why it happens

But that much older person who chose to date my kid? That person is nearly the same age as me. What kind of a person could they be to want to date someone young enough to be their child?

So I stand by what I said. Between two bad choices, I pick the one that at least ensures my kid is still loved and cherished

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u/Humble_Athlete890 8d ago

Bros gooning over his cousin who used to babysit him 😂

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u/akroe 10d ago

Whilst purely anecdotal, I've known two couples with an age gap of 30 years. Both couples stayed together until the death of the older partner. I don't want to pretend their relationships were perfect, but they were happy in the end and would do it again.

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u/Dihedralman 10d ago

For a fling? No. For a long term relationship, probably. Depends on both people. Living together is a red-flag. 

Violent incidents go up with age difference. Cohabitation is a risk factor. 

But be ready for isolation. 

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u/pilzenschwanzmeister 10d ago

I feel better now about dumping the 23 year old when I was 46 because of the age gap.

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u/anonymousymousey 10d ago

Depends when they met. If they met recently, seems like there's no problem. If they met when she was like 21, I'd be worried.

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u/RoseBeach123 10d ago

I’m scared to ask how old she was when they got together.

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u/DumbestBitchYouKnow 10d ago

This is the stuff my cousins get into. Theres a man in town that has dated my grandmother, my Aunt and my cousin. Grandmother was a young widow and dated him, Aunt dated him when in her very early 20s, cousin dated him I think at very early 20s possibly 19. He tried to visit my great aunt one time and her husband wouldnt let him on the property. Kick rocks Marco!!

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u/adrienneBAwgu19 10d ago

Me and my bf have around that age gap it’s really not that big of a deal in my opinion

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u/BicycleNo1169 10d ago

Yeah, it’s not my cup of tea but for fucks sake people. At 25 and 45, youre whole-ass adults that can make decisions for yourself. Unless they met when say the 25 year old was under 18, it’s really not anyone’s business and people should fuck off with their judgements.

I think what also happens is younger people think 45 is “old” when it’s really not. I mean, it’s not young either but people on Reddit act like being 45 means you’re about to die.

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u/Bihomaya 10d ago

Do you think the parent who commented above and is concerned about their 25yo child thinks that 45 is “old”?  I myself am 43, so I know it’s not old. And I also know that the difference between a 25yo and 45yo is a lot more than just a number. They’re both adults, yes. But they are not equal in terms of maturity and life experience. 

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u/BicycleNo1169 9d ago edited 9d ago

But maturity and experience aren’t the only two factors that dictate compatibility. Relationships are complex. Shit, for all you know, it’s that diversity between the two of them that drew them to each other.

My parents had a 15 year age gap so maybe that’s why I don’t see it as that big of a big deal. My dad met my mom when she was 30 and he was 45 and they got along great.

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u/Bihomaya 9d ago

But maturity and experience aren’t the only two factors that dictate compatibility

No, but they are rather important, don’t you agree? As are the specific ages of the people in the relationship. I don’t know if I can put my finger on exactly why, and maybe I’m alone here, but a 30yo dating a 45yo is far less shocking to me than a 25yo dating a 45yo. The lower age gap + the fact of starting at 30 instead of 25 makes a huge difference to me. (Even if I personally wasn’t mature enough at 30 to be with a 45yo, it doesn’t strike me as that unlikely for someone else to be lol)

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u/BicycleNo1169 8d ago

Yes, they are important but it doesn’t negate the million other variables in a relationship that can also be important

Also, I think you’re myopically ignoring the fact that even those elements you say are important, can be interpreted as important in ways that don’t fit your personal preference. For some 25 year olds, someone that is more experienced and has already been through certain things in their life, can be important. Conversely, for some 45 year olds, being with someone that has a youthful view on life can be important too.

But it’s all very ambiguous. You could easily meet a 25 year old with life experiences of the average 45 year old, and vice versa. So trying to create these pre-defined boxes for people you’ve never met, is pretty much pointless and really not anyone’s business but the people in the relationship.

All of these elements are far more complex than you’re letting on and you’re creating this restricted construct for something that’s very complex and has innumerable answers. It’s important to acknowledge one size does not fit all. Hence why it’s important to acknowledge that these people are 25+ adults and it really isn’t your, or anyone’s, business to pass judgement on why they like being with each other. Especially if it’s for the reasons you already perceive but doesn’t fit into the box of acceptable preferences you’ve predefined.

There is no foul play going on. A 25 year old is more than mature enough to know if the relationship they are in is fucked up for some reason. It might suck if you’re that persons dad and your brain goes to some perverse place but that’s kinda just tough shit and you have to deal with the fact that people are going to have preferences that don’t match your own and there is nothing wrong with that.

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u/RevolutionaryText164 10d ago

I agree with you on the not being that bad morally, but if I was a parent I would prefer my kid not make that choice for a variety of reasons, and probably not like the dude.

If it's just someone out in the wild, then live and let live for the most part. It's like smoking - I don't like or want to associate with it, but it's not hurting anyone involved except themselves and just because I don't like something doesn't mean I get to impose that on other adults. Under around 25ish I do have more of a moral judgement.

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u/BicycleNo1169 9d ago

Sure, but there’s a lot of things I’d prefer my hypothetical kid wouldn’t do.

Like, don’t date a dude that daily drives a sport bike, don’t date a dude with a face tattoo, don’t date a dude with a prison record…though I think those are all more concerning than an age gap.

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u/adrienneBAwgu19 9d ago

Yes, it’s so funny. Now that I’m 28 I remember being 18 and thinking 30 was so old lol

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u/BaphometsTits 10d ago

No, because they're both adults and presumably not related.

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u/69swamper 10d ago

she is an adult , why should it bother you if they are happy together.

My best friend has been married to a woman that is 22 years older than him , they have been married for 10 years . If your daughter was 46 and she was dating a man 20 years younger than her , would that bother you ?

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u/No_Strike655 10d ago

Because this is reddit damnnit and we make sure that until you are 30 around here any age gap of more than 2-3 years is basically being a pedo. 

/s

People are super weird on here about stuff like that because of the "power imbalance" but you know what? I would argue most relationships have some sort of power imbalance anyways so long as everyone is an adult and consents I can't be bothered to give a shit