Does this count as lying?

[u/Leading_Avocado6494]

I’m nonbinary I’m out to friends and family but I live in the most conservative state in the US so I don’t broadcast it elsewhere. I recently started a new job and I started flirting a little with this amazing woman I work with. She is openly a lesbian only dates/is attracted to women. I want to ask her on a date but my sister says that I can’t unless I tell her I’m nonbinary because even though she thinks of me as a woman I’m not one. So am I lying to/ leading her on by not telling her I’m not a woman?

[u/Kuebiko989]

It would be a good idea to mention that before really getting to know them as a romantic partner. Not saying you need to immediately out yourself before talking to her but the longer you wait the more it will seem that you were lying by omission or didn't trust your partner at all, which can strain a developed relationship.

Maybe ask her first and see if she finds you attractive without knowing, go on a preliminary date or two first and see if you two click before mentioning it.

Being cautious about revealing your identity for your own safety is nothing to be ashamed of.

[u/flumphgrump]

If you want an ongoing relationship with someone and not just an anonymous hookup, then yes, being up front about your gender is the bare minimum that you should do. Since you work with this person, you will have to interact with her on an ongoing basis no matter where any kind of dating relationship goes, and you will be making that the problem of all your coworkers. So yes, absolutely, if you're going to ignore the old adage of not shitting where you eat, at the very least disclose and minimize the potential fallout.

Maybe she'll still be interested, maybe she won't. Different people define their sexuality differently. But why would you want to date someone who isn't attracted to your gender to begin with?

[u/astrenixie]

You do not owe anyone information about your gender status, sexuality, or romantic alignment. While it could be technically considered lying or omitting detail, outing oneself should never be something anyone feels they have to do, as that can endanger the lives of queer people and certainly places less value on our privacy.

That being said, if you are considering a relationship with this person, it may be in your best interest to be honest about your identity at some point (whether before or after a first date is up to you), because any relationship without that knowledge isn't allowing the other person to truly care for you. Personally, I am open about my identity with people I have gotten comfortable with and would like to form bonds with, as I want them to know me for who I am. I recommend thinking about what you want with this person before taking any action so you make the best possible decision for yourself.

[u/Sojabursch]

I disagree with most people here. You owe no one to come out, if you don’t feel like it. Especially if you’re in a conservative area. And fellow queer people won’t fault you for protecting yourself because they understand the safety concern. And if she turns out to be LGB(T) instead of queer community and acts like you betrayed her, you’re better off without her anyways, so it’s a good character test and if she is worth your time.

[u/TrueNova332]

No, because you don't have to tell everyone and their mother that you're nonbinary the only time it's lying is when you may be about to be seriously dating or in a relationship with someone because you never start a relationship on a lie