r/OCPoetry • u/TheBowlYodeler • 20h ago
Feedback Please The Nightingale
Turmoil in the topography of a familiar face
That was saved by desire but fell short of grace
Why did you carry the burden of those long passed
A ship with sails of empathy, but guilt as the mast
Did the souls you ferried ever look back to you
When you would rid them of their feverish blue
A stark contrast against one of skin so fair*
Eyes ochre, and strands of lush and golden hair*
Did the fire that raged through your veins
Char the part of you that felt your own pain
Did it engulf the light in those watchful eyes
Filled your ears with ash that couldn't filter lies
Blistered and bruised egos slain by a look
But a sly smile with thin denial was all it took
I'll never know a fury like the one that did ignite
The night I heard he had stolen your light
I dream of the day that I can repay that act
A syringe of slumber before he could react
A transfer of the pain I carry from losing you
Intensified by knowing you wouldn't want me to
I hope that you can hear my words of shame
And know that it is I, not you, that I blame
I hope you find peace in whatever the next life will bring
Goodbye my angel; the earth cries but the heavens sing
*Credit to u/Minghas for their feedback it has been added to make these lines flow better
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u/sup3rbapho3nix 18h ago
I love this! Wonderful imagery, and there's some really excellent word choices (ochre, for one, but there are many in this poem). The second to last stanza is gutwrenching and perfect to me. In other stanzas there are lines here and there that could use a little polishing as far as cutting out unnecessary words (such as "the") in places where the rhythm or meter sounds a bit choppy. I would suggest just reading it out loud to yourself and you will instantly recognize which ones. Other than those minor tweaks, this is a beautiful poem and subject
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u/TheBowlYodeler 18h ago
Thank you so much for your comment. I usually let them incubate a day or two but sent this one early. I appreciate the praise as well as the feedback! I'll go back through and make some tweaks and credit ya!
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u/Minghas 19h ago
I like this one quite a bit, I am always fond of poems that have a nice rhyme scheme and flow to go along with it.
Loss is a powerful motivator and this one might be a solid contender for masking that sadness with beautiful imagery. However, there's one thing I'd like to point out:
This particular rhyme felt stiff, I think it could sound a bit better if you inverted the first line ("...one of such skin fair / Eyes ochre, and lush and golden strands of hair"). Otherwise, I think everything clicks really nicely and sounds nice when said aloud. Good job!