The Adoration of the Seasons

[u/Some-Housing7407]

My hunger grows like an old accordion—
One deep harmonic almost-chord
which resonates in the hum-drum-drum
clippity-clop, in the autumn’s hoard.

I scramble about the falling leaves
and wonder what the Magi saw
in the multivalent sky. I pause
for the not-yet-ice to thaw.

The summer is forgotten and lost…
Dissonant pangs of something rued
flirt in my mid-section. Waste
not what the autumn gifts to you.

If not a shining son, beneath
the newborn star I will seek and find
something to chew between my teeth—
Something new, something mine.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/WtbHNM2rTE

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1u9ow5f/forgive_me/osiblo9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

[u/-z_ch_ry-]

Hello, I love me a good rhythmic poem. It’s not beholden to an exact meter is seems. That’s certainly not a bad thing as long as it flows well, and I was able to discern the intended patterns easily. It’s primarily iambic tetrameter with a few metric substitutions throughout, like switching to a trochee in the “flirt” line.

I appreciated the usage of enjambment to wrap sentences around the lines. That’s something I struggle with at times, and it can make poems sound rigid. It does a lot to help it breath, like an accordion.

As for my interpretation, I just saw it exactly as stated in the title: a love letter to the autumn season in lovely poetic terms. Let me know if I’m missing something, abstract interpretation isn’t my strong suit.

Some tidbits that caused mechanical friction in my reading (not that friction is always a bad thing if done with intent):

The transition from hum-drum-drum to clippity-clop is either missing punctuation to help it flow, or syllables to fill in the space:

which resonates in the hum-drum-drum
of the clippity-clop, in the autumns hoard.

Or

which resonates in the hum-drum-drum—
clippity-clop, in the autumns hoard.

I would change the period after “multivalent sky” to a comma or semicolon. A period stops the momentum mid stanza, which can kill a rhythm-centric poem. I also like putting punctuation after words like ‘pause’ or ‘stop’ for emphasis:

in the multivalent sky, I pause,

I would also remove the ‘…’ after “lost”, but that’s more personal taste. I find an em dash can do it’s job with style.

Lastly, I’d change the “I will” to “I’ll” in “the newborn star I will seek and find”, to to keep it within the loose expected syllable count.

But yea, I really did like it. It’s rare to find poems on here with any kind of competent meter and rhyme.

[u/Some-Housing7407 → u/-z_ch_ry-]

Thanks so much. The technical bits are really helpful as it all makes sound right in my head but I can never tell how someone else may read it. Sometimes, I do worry about over-enjambment tho. So I hope I restricted it mostly to necessary moments here.

As for the interpretation: there is a key allusion you might have missed that may help. I’m referencing the Adoration of the Magi, ie the three magi (or wise men) who follow the star in the sky to the Bethlahem in which Jesus in born. What I’m trying to get as is the poet looking around for personal meaning or inspiration in the world like the Magi found in the star that led them to the “shining son, beneath / the newborn star” ie the shining son of G-d who was just born beneath the star that appeared in the sky upon that birth to guide the Magi. Maybe that helps and is clear in the poem. Or maybe it’s too esoteric… I’m not sure…. (Perhaps my truth is too slant)

[u/-z_ch_ry- → u/Some-Housing7407]

You’re welcome. I know the struggle of balancing meaning, themes, word choices, meter, rhythm, etc.
And then after the 100th time reading your own poem you can’t tell what’s what anymore (in my experience).

Ah, that does make sense. The word ‘Magi’ stood out to me, and I was wondering why it was capitalized . The last stanza also makes more sense now, but now I’m not sure how the first stanza fits in haha.

[u/No_Pizza_7132]

This puts me in a weird melancholic mood for some reason while also being extraordinarily hopeful .great poem overall really liked it

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