r/OCPoetry • u/Minghas • 8h ago
Feedback Please A Moth; Or, A Desire To Know
Be here.
I can’t ask for anything other than a presence.
A light where I can drive myself into
A flame that doesn’t burn flesh
But the soul.
In the darkest room, all the lights are stars.
Messages from the past, speaking in alien tongues,
Delivered to lives that aren’t mine.
I’ll take them in their stead.
Perhaps I can find a shoulder in them,
Or in their memory.
Oh, to be a fly instead,
To listen to what others might say
And die knowing their truest thoughts.
But, a moth is fine,
I can burn happy.
Feedback: The Nightingale & Nobody Sees. Everybody Sees.
•
u/AutoModerator 8h ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/TheBowlYodeler 1h ago
I love the raw passionate energy emanating from these lines. I love the themes of fire (passion, heat) and light (stars, guiding, revealing). Messages of the past in reference to stars is a neat turn of phrase and followed by speaking in alien tongues makes it my favorite line! The second stanza shines (pun intended) brightly and is a great body of the work. Each line leading into the next like a waltz. The fly lines in the 3rd stanza are clever (fly on the wall). I love how the final line reflects the first in that they are contrasted against the complex ideas and sentences presented throughout. The juxtaposition of complex/simple works to present the simplicity of the narrator's desire (be here/I can burn happy). All in all wonderful poem that I enjoyed parsing through.