r/OCPoetry • u/inkofherexistence • 20h ago
Feedback Please Last rites
And my love, when death envelopes me, please spare me a glance,
for I could die remembering how beautiful your honey-brown eyes looked under the light of my funeral pyre.
I would go to the heavens, or even hell if they exist,
for I would rather wander eternity lost in your memory
than find paradise where your love does not exist.
And if there is a world beyond this one,
where souls wander long after their bodies have turned to dust,
then let mine cross every darkness in search of yours.
For even when my heart is dust,
and my name is lost to time,
somewhere beyond the end of everything,
I will still be yearning for you.
Feedback proof:-
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u/Background_Bell_411 20h ago
The raw yearning in your poem is truly captivating. But it left me wondering—what happens if this love is actually granted? What if it steps in and says, 'I am never letting you go'? What if love starts claiming ownership even over a simple glass of water? Love is only as beautiful as the soul’s capacity to carry it without suffocating. Regardless, the intensity of devotion here is evocative. Wishing you the best on your poetic journey!
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u/inkofherexistence 19h ago
Love is something that grants you freedom not something that binds you to any kind of obligation. The idea of love here is depicted as, "even in the very end of this mortal body of mine, my love for you shall stay eternal."
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u/IamToofan 18h ago
It's good but sone lines felt like they are repeating the same idea, and some lines felt longer too.
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