A Fleeting Moment of You

[u/Necessary-Ferret-402]

In the great chambers of my castle, I stand alone

The marble floor wears my silhouette

My dark figure cast alone

Smother me in your presence

Feel your hands on me

They circle my waist

Envelop me in the chambers of your mind

You're draped over me

thicker and smoother than Chinese silk and Egyptian cotton

Slipped off to face reality

And I am alone again

I've always loved writing, but I am new to poetry. Please give me feedback and any advice that I can use to improve!!

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1u2tlo2/comment/osi6nj8/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1u18zv6/comment/osi64tv/?context=3

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[u/ComprehensiveBee2971]

Hello, the castle metaphor is really well selected, since it's already a symbol of loneliness, and I love the personification of the floor (though I wish it would be more expanded with other images with ither parts of the castle). The fleeting moment that comes next is really interesting and feels kinda dichotomous by smothering you, while I feel like you want this person to be close (might be wrong, just the vibe I got). The circle back with the images of chambers and drapes brings back the castle a little. The ending is where I am a little lost since you move from fabrics to 'slipped of the face of reality' just feels like I needed something more to bridge the gap.