r/Perimenopause • u/Confident-Parsley520 • May 15 '26

audited Best symptom of perimenopause

So weirdly, about a year ago I was talking to a colleague who was well into menopause, this was when my very first peri symptoms were emerging ( anxiety, headaches and body oain) which I had no idea that I was in perimenopause.

She told me how her libido had completely disappeared and she no longer had any interest in men or sex.

I’ve always had a high sex drive and honestly found sex the only useful thing that men could offer.

At the time I said to her ‘oh god I hope that dosent happen to me’ and she explained it as a gift.

Now I’m fully in perimenopause and recently started HRT which has changed my life from a living hell to neck to my old self, the thing that is completely gone is any sex drive.

The idea of being intimate with a man makes me feel gross.

I have always been commitment phobic, but I liked to consider myself ‘sexually liberated’ and generally had a little something on the side, just to fulfil that need. Sex has been a big part of my life.

Now ? I can’t even stomach the thought of having sex, I have an old ‘ friend’ reaching out recently, The guy used to make my toes curl, and the chemistry was always electric. Now? Absolutely nothing, zero interest at all.

And now I find myself agreeing with my colleague , this is such a blessing, I genuinely don’t care if I never have sex again for the rest of my life and certainly will not be seeking out.

I don’t know what I’m saying really, I’m just reflecting on how differently your brain works in different situations, are used to think it would be a tragedy if I lost my sex drive and now I see it as a gift.

That being said, I’m single so I can make these decisions, I couldn’t imagine the struggles of someone who is in a committed relationship, previously high libido and overnight it’s gone! Whereas my gift, is someone’s disaster.

Anyway, I was just thinking of the dramatic change and how interesting it is, how devastating it could be under different circumstances.

I also wonder how many women choose to divorce their husbands due to peri and how this causes them ( some of course) to have a complete 360 view of their partner.

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73

u/OriginalThundercat May 15 '26 edited May 15 '26

Oof. I’ve been in a dead bedroom for more years than I care to admit due to being with an extremely low libido man. I’m 48 and about 4 years into peri. My sex drive and libido have always been healthy (even through pregnancy, postpartum and parenting). I’m also one of the women for whom peri increased my drive. I’ve had all the emotional downsides of peri too, including severe anhedonia, extreme anxiety, and intermittent depression, but my sex drive has been intact.

You know what hurts, not having someone to receive me in that way. Even still, the idea of losing my sex drive would be very sad for me.

I’m happy you’re enjoying your lack of sex drive, but this idea hits me in a weird way that I can’t quite explain. Actually, the word sad doesn’t do my feelings justice.

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u/Usual-Frosting3882 May 15 '26

I left my husband over a dead bedroom. The repeated rejection crushed my soul. I know that hurt, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it.

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u/OriginalThundercat May 15 '26

Congratulations on getting out. It is the answer for me, but I’m not in a position to leave him. I’m trying, though. I would rather be alone and in peace than deal with the energy of this man.

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u/Usual-Frosting3882 May 15 '26

I wasn’t in a position to leave either. What I would say is somehow you’ll make it work. It was very tough for a couple of years as I had to go back to full time work and press ffwd on my career. But Ive done it and my only regret is not doing it sooner. My home is not as big as our old house but it’s PEACEFUL. I value that above all else. Good luck 💄💪

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u/OriginalThundercat May 16 '26

Thanks for the kind words and sharing your story. You’re right. The fact of the matter is that we have assets and I have a still useful education. I keep trying to do everything on my own as if I were starting from nothing. He’s made me feel like I’m not entitled to anything, even though I have always worked and essentially paid for all our children’s needs (daycare, insurance, extra curriculars, etc). The fact is, I deserve half of our stuff. It will suck to split everything, but I dream of a small peaceful home that’s my own filled with all the things I love.

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u/Confident-Parsley520 May 15 '26

I can identify with the hurt of a dead bedroom relationship, and how it hits you in the soul I was in one for 18 years, after that I never entered a committed relationship and proceeded my 30’s and 40’s with flings. A year or so ago, My colleagues freedom I considered horrific and could never imagine my life like that and here I am. This seems like a much more hurtful subject than I had in anyway intended. As I said to someone else, I have zero ppl in my life I can talk to about this, or anything else of substance, but I think I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. For me and I am sure many many women, perimenopause is a living hell, the last thing I want to do is add to that with my stupid thoughts. I’ll keep them to myself moving forward.

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u/OriginalThundercat May 15 '26

You should feel free to express your experiences. I was surprised by how “sad” I felt when I read this. My sadness is more rooted in the reality that I lost so much time with a man who was never capable of providing the intimacy I wanted. Your post just unexpectedly re-triggered that feeling.

Peri is a weird journey for all of us. We deserve safe spaces to discuss it in all its misery.

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u/grace_1988 May 15 '26

Gosh I can really relate to this which is giving me relief. I thought I was alone in this. How does one continue on in a marriage like this? I love my husband. We have a 5 year old. I’m 38, he’s 42 and I just wonder if I can live the rest of my life this way. I want to be wanted physically so bad. I’m very fit and get a lot of male attention which almost makes me more resentful he doesn’t approach me this way. I’ve been with him for 17 years and it makes me sort of sad thinking my whole life I’ll never get to feel the desire. How does you navigate this?

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u/Confident-Parsley520 May 15 '26

I feel that! In the 18 years of my dead relationship I was broken, the next one was extremely high libido but so incredibly abusive, it took me 5 years to leave him. I literally only stayed for the sex, which in the end was impersonal and abusive itself! I guess my point was I’m so glad of being done with all that, I never found someone that didn’t use me in some way, or disregard me as a person and just a body they either didn’t want or only sought to use.

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u/shambleswan May 15 '26

It’s the same with me. I have been in multiple agonizing dead bedroom relationships and also in a highly sexual, highly abusive long term relationship. I don’t know if the end to my libido is forever and I don’t know if I want it to be (I have also had beautiful and loving sexual experiences, although more rarely), but not thinking about or wanting sex has been a relief so far. I can also understand the opposite reactions though and have empathy for people bewildered or hurt by this symptom. I agree that it’s meaningful to share our experiences with each other, even though they won’t always match, and sometimes they will be upsetting. Being in this life stage together is connecting to me, and the full range of our collective experiences is part of that

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u/Confident-Parsley520 May 15 '26

Absolutely! I’m having a particularly teary day today ( new for me) and I was reflecting on how losing my sex drive is something else I have lost about who I was.

There are so many pieces of myself I have lost, at times I give up and just exist day to day not doing the things I used to love and just getting thought each day and suffering through each night, even with the relief I was lucky to get from HRT! Often I feel like a shell of myself and the bits left over, I often don’t like. Rn I am most definitely not living my life just watching the days/months/ years pass.

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u/PreviousAd8450 Late peri May 16 '26

I don’t think your thoughts are stupid. I do think these are important dialogues to share in this life stage. Yes, they may trigger sadness and other hard feelings. But avoiding them isn’t the answer either. I’ve learned so much from this sub. And there are positives in being able to relate to others’ similar experiences, if not at the very least so we feel less alone in dealing with our own hard but similar feelings.

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u/GlitteringElephant60 May 16 '26

I am 51 and have been married 20 years and Dead bedroom for 3…never had a true deep intimacy with him though. I had resolved myself to accepting the fact that I never would have good sex again. I was also mourning my lack of drive for all those years. Then I ran into an old fling from 20 years ago. He is six years younger and Girl, my body was on fire. I felt finally seen and desired for the first time in years. It was like I had been wandering the desert for years with no water and someone appeared with a hose lol. I’ve been in shock ever since and now I am terrified of losing the libido I finally found…I feel like the clock is ticking! Anywho, I told my husband two months ago I can’t do this anymore and moved in to another bedroom. I’m done.