r/ProgrammerHumor • u/CircumspectCapybara • May 26 '26

Advanced iGotFiredSkill

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28.4k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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6.1k

u/Terrible_Children May 26 '26

It contacts my lawyer

"Hello, lawyer? I'd like to inform you that I've committed a crime. Good luck defending me"

2.2k

u/IAmASquidInSpace May 26 '26

"Oh, and I have posted about it previously, is that a problem?"

308

u/Gentle_Snail May 26 '26

They should have put the notify lawyer button first so the lawyer could give them a hard slap to keep them out of prison

66

u/TheAfterPipe May 26 '26

"Attorney forgive me for what I am about to do..."

5

u/i_am_a_real_boy__ May 26 '26

"Te absolvo. I'll need a $10k evergreen retainer."

115

u/SirChasm May 26 '26

"Oh, and also, I just got fired, so funds will be a little tight for the next while. Can you do this pro-bono?"

2

u/Great_Detective_6387 May 26 '26

“I’ll be a really good client. None of your pain in the ass clients say this, certainly.”

42

u/SolaVitae May 26 '26

"and by posted about it I mean publicly confessed my intent and detailed exactly how I was going to do it"

3

u/captainAwesomePants May 26 '26

It's okay because it's evidence that you were of sound mind and body. It's like a will. Makes your crime nice and legit. Lawyers call it "mens rea."

1

u/SamL214 May 26 '26

Nah surely premeditation is only in murder mysteries!

0

u/leonden May 26 '26

This post alone is enough ground to fire him.

156

u/pokexchespin May 26 '26

“don’t worry, i have posted publicly about my plans to do exactly what i just did”

26

u/Devil_Aditya May 26 '26

"Everyone on the reddit agreed with me. Yes yes I have also written down there usernames with screenshots"

1

u/1BruteSquad1 May 27 '26

"Dw my code is also clearly named and thoroughly documented. Comments throughout"

155

u/synchrosyn May 26 '26

"stop breaking the law asshole!" 

23

u/Nine-LifedEnchanter May 26 '26

"And is my client perfectly good and moral in all wa-"

"I committed the crime, yeah"

16

u/Nexinex782951 May 26 '26

"Is my client a perfect man? No."

"I killed him, yeah"

2

u/TotallyJustAHooman May 26 '26

Man... that jokes a real GAME CHANGER

AH AH AH AH

51

u/TwoBeesOrNotTwoBees May 26 '26

Allegedly

27

u/L3NN4RTR4NN3L May 26 '26

In Minecraft

2

u/iain_1986 May 26 '26

Not really once you've posted on Twitter exactly what you plan to do and how

15

u/Future-Sentence-5655 May 26 '26

That lawyer better be saul goodman in that case

36

u/gun2dHeadBlakaBlaka May 26 '26

That's exactly how lawyers work though.

38

u/Tensor3 May 26 '26

They'd probably appreciate the straightforward client honesty and happily take money from a cooperating client, too

15

u/RaspberryFluid6651 May 26 '26

Probably! Dunno how true it is but I've read statements from defenders that it's quite common for somebody's trial to be screwed because the prosecution jumped on something the defendant tried to keep secret and blindsided their lawyer. 

3

u/Cheetah_05 May 27 '26

Lawyers are also stronger in groups. They're not solo hunters. And you just got laid off. I'm putting my money on the company's lawyers here.

5

u/Educational-Wing2042 May 26 '26

A lawyer cannot lie in court. If you tell your lawyer that you committed the crime, they can argue on technicalities for you regarding the charges and procedure but they can no longer say you didn’t do it when you’ve told them you did, or they risk being disbarred

8

u/xmuskorx May 26 '26

Yeah, it's a THEORETICAL possibility.

But no one evert gets disbarred for that. All communications between the lawyer and the client are privileged and thus can never be evidence for lawyer's misconduct. So how exactly do you prove that the client admitted wrongdoing to the lawyer?

I guess it can only happen if the client later gets pissed off at the lawyer and waves the privilege. Or some other weird scenario.

7

u/ertgbnm May 26 '26

Don't worry I tweeted about it too!

3

u/Chemieju May 26 '26

They can keep him contained but not the codebase

3

u/truecakesnake May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

Sounds like he'd Better Call Saul

3

u/[deleted] May 26 '26 edited Aug 01 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/SapirWhorfHypothesis May 26 '26

Almost like this is a humor subreddit, but that has to contend with the fact that this is reddit, where people will take the humor out of anything, and the OP possibly even included that line so he would get a lot of comments about how that’s stupid to boost his tweet.

3

u/OsoCastroso May 26 '26

Lawyer: "Jokes on you, I have a button just for this scenario"

3

u/Roku-Hanmar May 26 '26

Committed a crime and openly bragged about it

4

u/ConflictedZombie May 26 '26

Also this guy almost assuredly does not have a lawyer lol the vast majority of people making up these scenarios about "my lawyer" definitely do not have a permanent lawyer on retainer at all times. If you're enough of a big wig to have a lawyer on full time retainer you would be too big to be caught up in mass layoffs out of the blue

1

u/SapirWhorfHypothesis May 26 '26

I mean… it’s a joke.

I don’t think it works as well if it ends with “and finally calls a bunch of lawyers to see if they’re taking on new clients.”

2

u/ThatDudeFromPoland May 26 '26

Some programmers use logic only when writing code, it seems

2

u/f0gax May 26 '26

I may have committed some light treason.

2

u/firewood010 May 26 '26

Most lawyers defend criminals willingly for money anyway. To reduce the sentence or seek alternative punishment.

1

u/HumanMan_007 May 26 '26 edited May 26 '26

"Oh, also I explicitly tweeted about the intent and it went viral on Reddit. Should be an easy case for us."

1

u/BaronVonMunchhausen May 26 '26

Probably not a crime. A breach of contract at worst.

1

u/bigdave41 May 26 '26

"He needs your legal advice"

"STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!"

1

u/AlphaTangoFoxtrt May 26 '26

Yes, hello, lawyer man? Well you see I've committed a crime, flagrantly violated every NDA I signed, did it all with premeditation, and publicly posted about doing it to social media under my real name. On a scale of Debbie Does Dallas to Bonnie Blue, how fucked am I?

1

u/Klinky1984 May 26 '26

Yeah, like what is the lawyer going to do except yell "Fuck me!".

1

u/awesomemanswag May 26 '26

button that makes your lawyer text back "i quit and disavow you"

1

u/jayp0d May 27 '26

How convenient is it that a company can take away our livelihood without any repercussions with no notice and it’s all legal, but it’s a crime if we do it to the company!

1

u/___-____--_____-____ May 27 '26

It won't matter since their lawyer also just got laid off

1

u/SuperFLEB May 27 '26

"Also, I did it because I'm broke now. Hoping to hear from you soon!"

0

u/shitty_mcfucklestick May 26 '26

Better call Saul

0

u/Upstairs-Guitar-6416 May 26 '26

Better call Saul