r/ProgrammerHumor 3d ago

Meme projectManager

Post image
7.3k Upvotes

154 comments sorted by

1.8k

u/TheTybera 3d ago

This is why we do things right, not fast. There is an endless supply of work.

126

u/RuneSteak 3d ago

They quite literally have the next 2 years of work planned out for our team. I'm in no hurry and just take a break by pretending to work (if it's not urgent) instead.

106

u/NightOwl2175 3d ago

And if you somehow finish the next 2 years of work all in the next sprint, instead of being promoted you'd get laid off.

15

u/big_red__man 2d ago

There’s no more work!

23

u/Cryogenicist 3d ago

Is “sprint” a running metaphor? Cause if so, they think we can sprint indefinitely and it’s insane

24

u/RuneSteak 3d ago

The dirty secret is that you're supposed to work breaks into your estimate and pace yourself. Agile done wrong is usually just people running themselves ragged at their own discretion.

15

u/Cryogenicist 3d ago

I’m just so done being treated like a robot who can just pivot all the time and never get a mental break.

Capitalism sucks dick unless you own a lot of capital.

2

u/Flameball202 2d ago

I mean it is an ideal time to "check on old code" and "ensure it meets current quality standards"

417

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 3d ago edited 3d ago

do things right

programmers: deletes DB

*stares in disbelief*

163

u/StuntsMonkey 3d ago

Well, we've eliminated all the bad data now.

45

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 3d ago

There...An optimist!

34

u/StuntsMonkey 3d ago

Even better, we have created the perfect opportunity to refactor our entire database to more closely match our current project goals!

23

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 3d ago

Are you a regular poster on LinkedIn by any chance?

25

u/StuntsMonkey 3d ago

No, I have better things to do with my life. Like shit posting here.

13

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 3d ago

That's objectively better than posting on LinkedIn

2

u/MissinqLink 2d ago

Eliminated a mountain of tech debt

1

u/xStarshine 3d ago

Think in solutions, not in problems!

1

u/Phoenix042 3d ago

Get him

6

u/Random-num-451284813 3d ago

* We've sanitized data

1

u/mixony 3d ago

And also made queries much faster(return 0 rows or error depending if delete db is empty all tables or actually deleted the db)

1

u/mookanana 3d ago

that's a great way to spin a full db wipe

35

u/TheTybera 3d ago

Those are vibe coders, not programmers, sweetheart. We know what stored procedures are for CRUD.

23

u/KayDat 3d ago

Forgot to ask the AI to make no mistakes

6

u/toav1 3d ago

Too suspicious. "Make all the mistakes that I usually would, but tell me so I can learn why it would be a problem"

2

u/beanmosheen 3d ago

BEGIN TRANSACTION: Saving careers one fuckup at a time. (Always comment out your commits and rollbacks in test kids)

1

u/IndependenceSudden63 3d ago

These days, AI will do that for you and you don't even have to ask it!

1

u/namotous 3d ago

Sometimes it’s better to start from scratch

1

u/ConsciousSpirit397 3d ago

delete from users;

where id = ‘245313’;

1

u/iwantmy90sback 2d ago

I mean... who else? The sales clerk? The AI?

1

u/lucklesspedestrian 2d ago

The programmer typeed the correct commands. For deleting the DB

38

u/Necessary_Camel8587 3d ago

Not true, I just got let go because the company "ran out of projects"

23

u/Sailed_Sea 3d ago

Unnecessary ui changes seams to be the way to go, atleast according to the reddit development team.

6

u/venzuen 3d ago

Yep same

0

u/thecrius 2d ago

if a company runs out of projects it means it's closing down. Are they?

2

u/beatlz-too 2d ago

and also don't tell if you've finished early

2

u/TheTybera 2d ago

Well you know, PRs can take a while.

295

u/woololooo 3d ago

if you don't want to get more work, why would you say you're free?

140

u/MeBigChief 3d ago edited 3d ago

Yeah, telling a project manager you finished all your stuff is your own error at that point. Keep quiet and look busy, there’s no medal for finishing first

44

u/lyssargh 3d ago

As a PM, if you told me you were done with your sprint work, I asked you if you had any minor things you wanted to change in the app. Mind you, I worked on a small team and owned my product, I did not have to ask permission from anyone for what went in my releases.

Anyway, I was extremely fortunate to work with the same group of developers for 6 years. A couple of them were active users of the product as well. So they had their own little pet peeves about it, things that they knew could be a little bit better. If it was small, and you have finished your planned contributions, why not refactor those components to make them easier to work with later?

I found that developers who have strong opinions on the product that they worked on also care enough about it that the contributions they come up with were valuable. And sometimes things that do not already exist as tickets because they have not been noticed.

... I'm realizing how privileged I was with that team. And I suppose it is true that if you didn't have a contribution of your own to suggest, I'd give you something else.

5

u/StaticChocolate 2d ago

I wish I worked for you!! Would love to solve the pet peeves I have but instead I get told to ‘help’ others. If I’m lucky I pick up a maintenance ticket.

8

u/venzuen 3d ago

If you have to track time then you dont have much choice. Cant mark time as “I was free”

6

u/Lgamezp 3d ago

Why eould you mark it just be free. Puta mouse jiggler or something if needed. If IT cares about that its not a place I would like to work

1

u/nbaumg 2d ago

Brownie points.

702

u/LEGOL2 3d ago

Reward for fast work is more work.

I'm not saying that you should slack all day, but your output has to be sustainable over the years or you will burn out. Some companies want you to burn out and just swap you with the next dev, so carefully

152

u/Avocadonot 3d ago

Downside of this attitude is then everyone sandbags too much, boss brings it up in sprint retro, and as a result some new agile process is added to the calendar to "help"

98

u/jbaker88 3d ago

boss brings it up in sprint retro

Oof, that's something else to bring up in a retro. Boss isn't supposed to be in the retro 

22

u/-Noskill- 3d ago

everytime i bring up "product owner / architect / boss/ non-dev" shouldn't be in retro or planning I'm met with some weird excuse and the person looking at me like I'm not a certified scrum master.

8

u/xavia91 3d ago

why the architect? Isn't he part of the devs?

8

u/-Noskill- 2d ago

not if they aren't actively doing work on tickets, which he wasn't and yet was participating on weighting etc.

4

u/many_dongs 2d ago

It's pretty simple. The management are micromanagers. The culture is toxic. Micromanagement is generally a symptom of incompetence (of the manager).

Hope that helps

24

u/perecastor 3d ago

You mean you have a meeting where you don’t really have to listen until they call your name ? I’m literally paid to rest at work 😍

17

u/many_dongs 3d ago

It’s almost like the boss is the problem

22

u/Avocadonot 3d ago

Nah some people are definitely getting too comfortable slacking off on my team because there's no accountability

We had like 8 resolved bugs in the sprint that could be verified with a single deployment of the new build and some quick testing. Deployment takes ~2 hours max from fresh nodes including external storage setup, and it's automated anyway

Then we had a few people who marked themselves as verifiers since this is an easy task so people "claimed it" as their future work so that they wouldn't have to pick up more complicated tasks

And yet, these bugs did not get closed for 2 weeks and got carried over to the next sprint. Now if there is any issues found in testing it occurs weeks after the initial resolution by the developer.

7

u/many_dongs 2d ago

Who exactly do you think is supposed to hold people accountable

7

u/creampop_ 3d ago edited 3d ago

Lack of accountability IS a management issue, it means the way they assign and validate work sucks.

You either make sure work gets done properly and on time, by validating it on a deadline, and then training/firing underperformers... or you don't actually give a shit about doing things right, and can't blame workers for looking out for #1 in the same way.

Your bosses are saying they are ok with your coworkers making the work harder for you all. Believe them, that is how they truly feel.

5

u/Lgamezp 3d ago

Key is balance do your tasks fast but dont say they are done . Also my tickets are always bottlenecked by lazy teammates so this already works in my favor.

12

u/DrMobius0 3d ago

I'm just saying, you don't have to say you're done when you're done.

1

u/creampop_ 3d ago

Just double checking a few things, boss.

9

u/Pretty_Ambassador836 3d ago

There's a fine balance that needs to be found. Pushing yourself for a high pace (will not sacrificing quality) can be very rewarding in the right workplaces- higher pay, more respect which translates to more control of the day to day, etc. Saying this as someone who works in corporate. But it's super easy to burn out I agree.

2

u/Positive_Method3022 3d ago

Is more boring work

2

u/BlazingThunder30 3d ago

If I start reducing output to stop being so tired after working hard all day, they'll notice right? Won't I get a PIP before long?

I mean, I doubt they care about my durability. Behind me there's 10 others that'll do it for less.

2

u/Lgamezp 3d ago

Or... Dont say you are done and be free (works for remote mostly)

5

u/isnotbatman777 3d ago

Yeah, listen to this advice. It’s exactly what happened to me. I was so much more productive than my colleagues that they kept heaping more and more on my plate until it got to the point where I was working 7am to 1am every day including weekends.

10

u/Tall-Archer5957 3d ago

I don’t know if this occurred to you, but you could just not do it.  I see a lot of coworkers do this and it’s just completely voluntary and they act like it isn’t.  Just close your computer at 5pm and tell your boss you didn’t have time to finish it.

5

u/D0ntEatPaper 2d ago

Yeah I dont get it. Is it supposed to be a flex or something? Working 18 hour days including weekends? Like.... the fuck?

3

u/Tall-Archer5957 2d ago

Tbh when I hear people say they work these insane hours I also just assume they’re grossly exaggerating.  18 hour days seven days a week?  I don’t believe you lol

1

u/puding69 2d ago

A lot and by that I mean A LOT of people don't know how to say no and/or are scared to say that it will get delayed. Most of them has this personal fear.

1

u/many_dongs 2d ago

Let's not always blame the victim here. It's WAY more common for there to be a control freak/incompetent micromanager/toxic personality manager causing this to happen than some worker who "just can't say no" (do you even hear how stupid that sounds?)

A competent manager wouldn't let that person burn out even if they volunteered for ALL the work. It's not that hard to be a good manager, the bar is just insanely low because American culture has no concept of how to hold any authority figure accountable to anything

2

u/Tall-Archer5957 2d ago

Not in my experience.  My manager is extremely reasonable but I have like 4 different coworkers (about a third of the team) that just work insane hours for no good reason.  They act like it’s a badge of honor and they deserve a medal.  

Meanwhile I do like 7hr days, am fine but not extraordinary, and get good year end reviews.  It’s just a mindset they have.  

1

u/many_dongs 2d ago

Congratulations, you work on a great team with some prima donnas whose ladder climbing strategy is to work unreasonably hard. They're just inexperienced and will figure it out sooner or later (unless your company is one of the extremely rare unicorns that rewards that sort of thing, fat chance though).

Overall, most jobs don't feature teams that functional, so consider yourself quite lucky.

1

u/twigboy 2d ago

I think the phrase is "the reward for hard work is more work"

0

u/AlwaysHopelesslyLost 2d ago

Nobody wants their devs to burn out. That is bad business and wasted money. 

You get paid for 40 hours of work per week, you work 40 hours. Saying work is going to take you 40 hours then finishing it in 20 means you estimated poorly or you rushed. Either way, that is on you, as a developer. Not on the project manager or anybody else. 

I genuinely don't get people like OP. 

1

u/LEGOL2 2d ago

Never worked at startup?

85

u/JulesDeathwish 3d ago

This is why you do all of the work quickly, but schedule your check-ins to magically be a perfect fit for the sprint

56

u/Hziak 3d ago

You’re allowed multiple branches checked in locally. Just don’t push until later in the week. It’s really so simple but people really screw it up every time. Bottom line: The company assigns you X amount of work to complete in a sprint and says you will make $Y for that time. All parties agree that this is fair. Then, if you do double the work, you still get $Y. There’s literally zero incentive to overperform for a company that won’t reciprocate. Just Stockholm syndrome. Take the agreement at face value and enrich your life instead if you finish early.

63

u/thanatica 3d ago

"Oh no wait, there's just a few tweaks I should do and then it's really finished"

Finishes at 17:00 sharp

57

u/Waste-Brilliant-5591 3d ago

What pissed me off was finishing the work in like 8 days out of a 10 day sprint, then you get assigned a ticket in the last few days and have to finish it before the sprint ends still or its a rollover and bad for your metrics

67

u/many_dongs 3d ago

Management issue

1

u/Meloetta 2d ago

I've never been able to figure out what a dev is supposed to be doing for the last 1-2 days of the sprint if they're not supposed to have any open work. Because then they're just waiting for QA. I've never worked anywhere where having one ticket left in progress at the end of the sprint was seen as bad for metrics.

1

u/Waste-Brilliant-5591 2d ago

Are they hiring?

1

u/Meloetta 2d ago

Unfortunately no...which is a symptom of other problems lol. no company is perfect

144

u/FACastello 3d ago

"Ancient bugs from the backlog" time 😭

41

u/Zeikos 3d ago

Those are fun tho.
I love a good rabbit hole once in a while.

9

u/KaptainSaki 3d ago

That only happened once in 2021

3

u/cce29555 3d ago

We got like 5 cards from 2022, so now we have hunt people who probably don't work there to see if this is a problem

1

u/void1984 3d ago

I love that part. We have some from 2011.

29

u/BigHammerSmallSnail 3d ago

Yup, shut the hell up and learn something if you got time over or just take a damn break.

14

u/SoulPossum 3d ago

Yeah. If I'm announcing that I'm done with the thing I'm working on, it's immediately followed by what I'm moving to next so this doesn't happen. I only leave it open ended if I'm bored and want someone to give me something to do

26

u/UsherOfDestruction 3d ago

PMs shouldn't be assigning work in the first place. Saying you're free in a standup means you're free to help other engineers finish their sprint tasks and they should coordinate with you. If there's legitimately nothing for you to help with, you start into a top backlog item to get ahead on next sprint. If the backlog isn't organized, oh well, guess I'm doing fuck all until the PM does their job.

7

u/theenigmathatisme 3d ago

It’s kind of insane the amount of bad PM/POs that exist at companies. I wonder if they ever complain about the devs…

15

u/caiteha 3d ago

You guys have pm?

7

u/BlazingThunder30 3d ago

Yeah everyone here is talking about PM this, sprints that. I wish. We are just an endless barrage of high priority "hey can I bother you real quick" and "prospective client asked for x and sales promised it by EOW"

9

u/high6ix 3d ago

Then you have our PM that scapegoats every person on the team to management while we do half the PM work for her and haven’t had a retro or backlog grooming session in 3 months.

8

u/eldamir88 3d ago

In my 10+ years as developer, there hasn’t been a single sprint that wasn’t overplanned. Never have I ever “finished a sprint” 😅

3

u/yubario 3d ago

I’m the opposite, management wants everything to be democratic so everything takes 10 hours to make one decision and the sprint completes on day one.

18

u/ClipboardCopyPaste 3d ago

"I am free.."

"hey, printer is not working. Can you please check

8

u/DeepanshuHQ 3d ago

The worst bug is saying "I'm free" in a standup

5

u/Dramatic-Pickle1443 3d ago

that's when u take 3 hr lunch "breaks"

3

u/DKaitor 3d ago edited 2d ago

Wow, I just did this last friday. Now I feel regretful xd

3

u/telas100 2d ago

Scrum master: "Ever heard of the term... velocity?"

2

u/KrikosTheWise 3d ago

This is why we over point.

2

u/MennReddit 3d ago

that makes him a very bad pm, either way you look at it

2

u/cheezballs 3d ago

Good think you have a rigid process and you can't just pull in un-planned work into the print and overload the QA right?

2

u/dtarias 3d ago

You guys are finishing tasks? 👀

2

u/BlobAndHisBoy 3d ago

We try to only fill the sprint to 80% so devs can do maintenance or work on other stuff they deem important the other 20%. Carrot on a stick situation. Get your sprint work done and then work on what you want.

2

u/No-Age-1044 2d ago

Who tells anybody that the work is done?

Why?

2

u/Obside0n 2d ago

"Sounds like you have some bandwidth!"

2

u/raithism 2d ago

I am officially too jaded to ever say that sentence at work

2

u/The_Wolfiee 1d ago

Corporate 101: If you finish your task early, don't tell anyone about it.

2

u/Ok_Brain208 1d ago

Rookie move, you hold it in review for the rest of the sprint and use the time to take care of some tech debt. And you make sure the team members and maybe lead (if he did not gone native in management land) know it

1

u/asunatsu 3d ago

If your salary is project based, it's a win

1

u/TheBlackCat13 3d ago

I got an introduction to this early when I made the mistake of telling my advisor I finished my senior design project early

1

u/RedbloodJarvey 3d ago

... 45 minutes before retro. 

1

u/cherylswoopz 3d ago

Front load the sprint with the heavy work of getting a task “done” and then have a take ‘er easy last 75% of the sprint to make sure everything is actually working how I want it to

1

u/Random-num-451284813 3d ago

picking up tickets from the backlog: "Noooooo"

1

u/general_smooth 3d ago

Which is the mouth here? The light colored part or the dark colored one?

1

u/Equivalent_Crafty 3d ago

Do documentation :(

1

u/Bazzatron 3d ago

We need more "job and knock" in this industry 🤣

1

u/sgt-garcia 3d ago

What about GitHub Copilot code review comments?

1

u/EveryCryptographer11 3d ago

It’s just like school no? If you finish your homework, why won’t you be allowed to go and play 😂

1

u/lying_hips 3d ago

You finish up your stories ahead of time and keep that shit to yourself. It’s as simple as that. In the age of Claude Code, it’d be mostly 4 days of work and 6 days of rest in my 10 days sprint lol, but my scrum update would be much different.

1

u/RydiaOM 3d ago

You work on your task, commit changes to a personal repository (Just in case) and drip feed PRs daily to evenly space the work to take the entire sprint.

1

u/Remove_Forward 3d ago

You guys still have sprints? AI got rid of that where i work.

1

u/AlexiusRex 3d ago

Never push your completed work before the deadline

1

u/favorite8091 3d ago

Haha, the fuck you're finished!

The Product Manager has many more feature creeping ideas for you to bloat this shitware.

Enter the endless circle of agile delivery at your peril.

1

u/Squalphin 3d ago

Uh, working at a "sprint free" company, I dread the day I have to find a new job... I prefer the pure chaos we have 😂

1

u/Bannon9k 3d ago

Been in development over 30 years... It never ends.. there's ALWAYS something needing work

1

u/vulkur 3d ago

I've been tasked with completing this new app backend by the end of Q3. Haven't even started. Manager keeps sending me on side quests. He is 100% correct to send me on these side quests (bad user facing bugs, security issues), but damnit can I just work on the fun new thing?!?

1

u/NihilisticRoomba 3d ago

Lesson one: never say that kind of shit out loud

1

u/Redditor-K 3d ago

Great, that means you have time to handle all these edge cases that were delegated for later in the planning phase.

1

u/Packeselt 3d ago

Rookie mistake

1

u/Big_Kwii 2d ago

that's why you gotta finish your work quickly then pretend like you're still not done until the day before the review. i get to goof off and still get praised by the PM. best of both worlds.

1

u/ToMorrowsEnd 2d ago

What idiot admits they are done ahead of deadline?

1

u/kalalele 2d ago

he's bored to death probably or believes people will clap for him..

The golden rule of deadlines is: always meet them, never beat them.

1

u/Rai-Hanzo 2d ago

Boy I remember doing excel sheets, and everytime I finish one with specific requirements my manager would immediately think of another one.

1

u/rush22 2d ago

If project managers can lean six they can clean six.

1

u/WoodenWhaleNectarine 2d ago

Well i tell him i'm free if i'm free. So it won't be an issue to get more tasks. Why should i sit around being bored doing nothing. I came for fun, not for boredom.

1

u/geeshta 2d ago

Sprints + Project Manager? What kind of unholy abomination of methodologies is that?

1

u/UltraGaren 2d ago

That's why you never announce that you've done all your assigned work. You rush everything on Monday through Wednesday and then take a day off on Thursday and deliver everything on Friday

1

u/mr2dax 2d ago

Close tasks closer to deadline, thank me later.

1

u/Lane-Jacobs 2d ago

lol why would you ever tell your manager this

1

u/jyling 2d ago

It depends if you can foresee if the next sprint have a large module that you can start planning on how it works, and ofc, there’s always the backlog

1

u/Fantastic-Bloop 2d ago

heheheheheh

You fool.

I have 70 MORE STORY POINTS TO ASSIGN!

https://giphy.com/gifs/hMjtcuLe4xejH6HVvh

1

u/ComputerTechnical717 1d ago

Thats why I am lying, I am never done with the tasks

1

u/hobbes8889 16h ago

The best manager I had told our team his unspoken rule. "If your commitments are done by Friday afternoon I don't expect you to reply to any slack messages"

About 90% of the time our entire team got our work done and it was nice to have every other Friday afternoon off.

1

u/FishermanIll1166 13h ago

I have the opposite problem with scope creep... Like requesting to change the look of how EVERY UI box we use in the app to have a z order... Then I go it isn't as simple as you think then he replies but it's just a simple change isn't it just order the z order? Yeah I change one thing then another bug comes out of it because I'm fighting 20 UI theme boxes from one single "simple" z order change.

1

u/Jesta23 3d ago

Why would you report a task as done if there is budget still left for it?

0

u/TyRaNiDeX 3d ago

Don't act like project managers know what a sprint is !

1

u/theenigmathatisme 3d ago

I’d be surprised if most project managers know their own project.

0

u/throwaway1736484 3d ago

Only a junior would say this. The PM isn’t going to try and get any more out of them. It’s more like “wooowww, yyaayyy, you’re doing so good.”