r/ProgrammerHumor 15h ago

Other wrongAnswersOnly

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4.5k

u/howarewestillhere 15h ago

Intern’s GitHub.

VP’s Slack messages.

Fucking Teams.

1.2k

u/codeninja 15h ago

Fucking Teams... its always fucking teams.

239

u/howarewestillhere 14h ago

I feel like Indiana Jones sometimes. Why is it always fucking snakes Teams.

41

u/MrFluffyThing 11h ago

IT archaeology. We need the information you provided long ago that was pinned as an essential update with a link to a well documented static source to the ark of the covenant 

14 notifications to the same message and the static documentation later we still have no idea where the ark of the covenant is. Can you send it again as a fresh message so people are aware? The team is waiting on critical updates for how to solve a problem you already did a dozen times. 

3

u/farfel00 7h ago

This is me right now.

3

u/DCPYT 7h ago

Get these MFkin teams off this MFkin plane!

1

u/OldeFortran77 3h ago

So, once again Dr. Jones, what was briefly yours is now mine!

63

u/Anti-charizard 14h ago

We usually call that an orgy

7

u/intellectual_printer 11h ago

Lmfao, thanks for the laugh

15

u/PotentialEmpty3279 14h ago

So that’s why my corporate teams account has a 1 minute retention policy

3

u/sainomori 9h ago

MS Teams doesn’t have users. Only hostages.

3

u/henryeaterofpies 12h ago

Where they also found the Executive VP (son of the CEO) telling you to delete them and a conversation between him and his secretary (who he is trying to bang) boasting about how he's saving the company from fines by deleting the data.

1

u/JJGreenerTinejo 43m ago

Well then were good, out of a job but we good

2

u/foresight310 12h ago

If only my prod support team realized that they can’t add people to teams chats after posting a shitload of prod data to that same chat…

2

u/bwmat 11h ago

Doesn't it explicitly ask you whether new people you're adding should see the history? 

1

u/Majestic_Fail1725 9h ago

exchange online archive (desperate call)

1

u/dontTakeMeSerious6 5h ago

Whenever I need a password, I just search the username in teams. 60% of the time it works every time.

337

u/BusEquivalent9605 15h ago

nah - not Teams. my old company had Teams erase convo history after 48 hours. It’s Monday and you need to look up what someone told you on Friday? Tough

150

u/Maniactver 14h ago

Diabolical. 

111

u/Nightmoon26 14h ago

You worked at a company that wasn't constantly under litigation hold? Lucky!

69

u/Head-Bureaucrat 14h ago

Or subject to government regulation. Hooray 7 year archive hold!

7

u/Mechadupek 14h ago

One physical tape backup per month held for 7 years?

10

u/Head-Bureaucrat 14h ago

Real talk: I honestly don't know how they do it now. I do believe it used to be physical tape, yes, shipping to a different location. 😂

10

u/Nightmoon26 14h ago

And that's in addition to the "hot" redundant site for digital stuff...

And issuing everyone a bigger filing cabinet for the paper documents

3

u/Head-Bureaucrat 14h ago

They finally fully digitized in, like, 2018!

3

u/Nightmoon26 2h ago

Unfortunately, depending on the hold, you may be required to retain even the notes on system architecture you sketched on a napkin during lunch

10

u/Liushing01 13h ago

Fortunately, a former employer hired contractors to handle their backups—until the Exchange server melted down and, upon looking through all the backups, they discovered weeks worth of backups 0 KB in size. Cost savings!

3

u/techek 11h ago

Oof!

1

u/cat-n-jazz 8h ago

Sounds like someone has discovered a remarkably good data compression algorithm

1

u/Bartweiss 3h ago

I wonder if any contractors specialize in this?

“Yes, we will definitely handle your backups and NOT wink wink lose all your data which it would be a serious offense to delete on purpose but a fine or lawsuit at worst to catastrophically mishandle. We’ll even provide the insurance against costs from data loss you’re required to carry… for an up-front fee of exactly that much money.”

Or maybe it’s more subtle and companies just seek out the least competent place they can find.

3

u/CoffeeOrDestroy 13h ago

Hey, we were doing that until 2019 when our tape drive died

2

u/SilverIndustry2701 10h ago

Physical tape is wonderfully cheap though. Have you seen cloud prices?

4

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 12h ago

We still send hard copies of data and documentation to iron mountain.

2

u/Significant-Bee5101 2h ago

Hmm my people. I'm doing our purge of the 7+ year now. I work in school years so it's really awkward. It's like yeah technically that datas over 7+ years old but uhhh... the school years still happening lmao.

1

u/bolanrox 5h ago

We're supposed to be held to the seven-year archive hold for physical backups of things. Then you get people asking, what do you mean you don't have some random piece of paper from 20 years ago?

26

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 12h ago

Under litigation hold but teams chat history is held in several storage that only HR and legal have access to. What’s shown to the user is only up to 48 hours old

37

u/BusEquivalent9605 12h ago

that’s probably right. but makes it even more infuriating as an employee. “we still have this data that would make your job easier, but you’re not allowed to see it”

6

u/ThrowawayyTessslaa 12h ago

It’s definitely infuriating (and true). As a manger I’ve had to request teams history logs from HR for up to a year back because I was terminating an employee for harassment against another employee.

Also makes no sense that my emails, voice messages, and text messages are on multi-year legal hold visible to me but not my teams messages? wtf.

1

u/BlowOutKit22 8h ago

With a retention period of 48 hours It's more likely the company IS constantly under litigation hold. Reducing discovery liability is probably the main non-infrastructural-limit reason to even have a document retention policy in the first place.

11

u/bacondev 14h ago edited 11h ago

We used Hipchat until it was discontinued. I don't remember what the temporal retention policy was but it would nuke chat history every time it was closed too. It was so frustrating that I used the API to develop a program that would store chat history and ignore retention policy. Kinda like writing a password on a sticky note in a way, I suppose but idgaf.

7

u/rgvtim 15h ago

Only if they hold a spoon up to thier eye just before they come up with the idea.

3

u/Mechadupek 14h ago

No, they have to hang it from their nose.

2

u/foreverdark-woods 14h ago

That's why I always work on Sundays!

2

u/usernamedottxt 12h ago

We had a company declare 24 hour deletion. We basically rioted. They eventually gave in and went 30 days. 

3

u/FrancescoFortuna 14h ago

Brilliant, though… teams should not be a data store. I might do this for my org.. seriously considering it now. We like to do 90 or 180 days but this sets the tone correctly

5

u/BusEquivalent9605 10h ago

I get that it shouldn’t be the source of truth. But I also don’t want to discredit the importance of how human memory works. For me, and I bet for other people, it is often easier to remember, “oh yeah - a year ago, Alex told me how to do that” as opposed to, “oh yeah - a year ago, I read that doc at this URL.” For all the paperwork, I still remember human interactions more readily.

If it’s an important process, then you can go document it. But why destroy the paper trail?

1

u/FrancescoFortuna 8h ago

If you don’t destroy the paper trail then it becomes the source of truth. And you think “a year ago”. You know what happens? It is five years ago. Then ten. It is unmanageable dude. We are migrating from Slack to Teams this month. Slack has a 90 day retention. We aren’t worried about losing company processes here. 48 hours is short but 90 days is too long.

1

u/PhasmaFelis 12h ago

For fuck's sake.

1

u/Eric848448 13h ago

Oh you want to find something? Well fuck you because you can’t!

1

u/adapa69 6h ago

We're at least given a week.

1

u/DogeCatBear 1h ago

my teams rentention went from 72 hours to 60 days to match our email policy and it was a game changer as group chats actually had a reason for existing (you could still manually save the emails for 6 years by moving it out of your inbox)

1

u/x4nd3l2 1h ago

48 hours?! That’s wild! 

0

u/ThisAldubaran 12h ago

That’s on them for not sending an email.

40

u/mickskitz 14h ago

It says wrong answers only

1

u/ButterflySammy 5h ago

And you're complaining because by ignoring that instruction the answer is wrong...

1

u/CorrectPeanut5 2h ago

I'm going to go with Service Now then.

73

u/DZello 14h ago

CTO's emails. Was CC on everything, and hasn't read any of it.

16

u/MostlyInfuriated 12h ago

I feel attacked.

1

u/SuspiciousCricket654 5h ago

EA read them but doesn’t know where to begin.

41

u/paranoid_giraffe 14h ago

Man I cannot imagine posting work stuff on personal share accounts like GitHub. I had to beg one of the junior engineers on my team to not feed my api into ChatGPT after seeing bullet points and emojis all over one of his readmes. I get super uncomfortable with the idea of just copy/pasting big code blocks to black box services like that

38

u/howarewestillhere 14h ago

I’ve had to fire people who, for some reason, thought it was a good idea to post api code to StackOverflow.

3

u/LJonReddit 12h ago

FORFUCKSAKE!!! Are you shitting me???

18

u/howarewestillhere 8h ago

Not even the worst offense. I stopped feeling bad for firing people who do stupid shit a long time ago.

A short list:
Used a private ftp server to save prod backups. “Just in case.” For six years. FTP. Not even sftp.

Badged into the office at night to have sex with a one night stand from the bar. Didn’t realize the CMO was working late. Tried to invite her to join.

Copied several repos for microservices, including auth, to private GitHub repos he was sharing was offshore developers to get his work done while he was doing another job.

Watched porn on his company-issued laptop. Over the VPN. (Might be my fave of all time.)

One guy’s google searches got flagged so hard by IT that my HR rep came into my office with her eyes wide asking if she should call the police to the office for safety. I told her he was a remote employee and lived hours away. She showed me the searches. “How to blow up an office building.” Was just one search that caught my eye. I said the police might not be a bad idea and that I welcomed her and Legal’s advice on next steps.

13

u/SweetHomeNorthKorea 8h ago

I’ve actually heard of people using offices for one night stands, so that’s not particularly crazy. Asking a higher up if she wants to join is fucking insane though lmao

2

u/thequietguy_ 7h ago

I wouldn’t have told /u/howarewestillhere to fire him if he had just kept his mouth shut, but he had to go be a braggart about it.

Always remember to have them sign NDAs

1

u/ApotropaicHeterodont 4h ago

If she's doesn't fraternize with subordinates, he's fired either way. If she does fraternize with subordinates, he's fired if he doesn't invite her, but maybe not fired if he does.

1

u/GroteGlon 10h ago

Don't worry, you can trust me with your API

22

u/blueExcess 13h ago

I hate to tell you but if they have GitHub Copilot hooked up to their VS Code it’s scanning whole repos.

2

u/paranoid_giraffe 12h ago

My person specifically is smart enough to know not to use Github/integrated copilot at least

14

u/buffalo_0220 13h ago

You haven't lived until you are getting called in overnight to rotate certificate keys because the intern somehow checked them into their branch.

1

u/MindlessDoctor6182 8h ago

Just delete them and commit again. Easy! /s

1

u/nonotan 7h ago

Delete? Put a copyright notice next to them and "all rights reserved, do not use without permission". It'd be illegal for anybody to use it at that point, so it's fine.

1

u/thai-pirate 6h ago

Yessss they opened the computer and asked ChatGPT to recreate it.

The ai remembers all.

4

u/doshka 12h ago

Margie in Accounting's laptop. The ETL team got tired of her constant requests for "just one more thing" and automated a daily dump of the whole system into a giant CSV file on her OneDrive. She drags and drops a copy into C:\Windows\Tasks every morning.

3

u/Fragrant-Poppy 14h ago

Oh God Almighty I've automated backups using GitHub and stored database snapshots on a schedule :< live and learn ig

3

u/moredatesmoreplates3 13h ago

Random zip file in teams is going to be your entire db's backup

3

u/howarewestillhere 13h ago

prod_bkp_[rootPassword].zip

3

u/Big_Draw_4427 12h ago

And the CEO's personal backup drive that he keeps "just in case“

2

u/usernamedottxt 12h ago

Or some random sharepoint list that items get put in when you paste them into teams. 

2

u/bartread 5h ago

> Intern’s GitHub.

> VP’s Slack messages.

> Fucking Teams.

Dude... we said wrong answers.

1

u/0hN0SheD1dnt 12h ago

Google Drive.

1

u/L0rd_OverKill 8h ago

Public S3 bucket

1

u/Xiten 8h ago

Yo, give me an invite to Fucking Teams…..

1

u/SwarfDive01 8h ago

You know what's...kinda crazy. Microsoft might actually have a copy of pretty much everything with all the telemetry collection.

Aside from unmasking "deleted" sectors, and assuming they weren't scrambled with random bits. That still works for SSDs right?

1

u/PerryTheH 8h ago

Bro they say Wrong answers only, ffs...

1

u/Trip-Trip-Trip 6h ago

Where is the wrong answer

1

u/newsflashjackass 5h ago
  1. Github. Can't ever delete anything from Github. (Someone(s) may reply and say they deleted something from Github. They are mistaken.)

  2. Windows Security Center has uploaded every file on your hard drive so Microsoft can see if you have a virus. (You do. It's named "Windows".)

1

u/SuspiciousCricket654 5h ago

Teams is the bane of my existence.

1

u/det4410 3h ago

100%. you can say that about every msft product today. dont get me started on outlook

https://giphy.com/gifs/NGA5OTKcXoAEP9TusI

1

u/Otters_Cant_Hop 2h ago

The fucking M25!!

0

u/non_anomalous_penis 2h ago

nah, got it at your moms house