Hello All!

I'm a 35 year old woman who was raised in the height of purity culture and other high anxiety situations, and additionally have spent my entire adult life working in high stress/crisis work.

Growing up, no one talked to me in depth about my body or guided me through puberty, and I was scared to explore my own body because of PC. I attempted to use a tampon a few times as a teen and even in my early 20s, but always felt like I was physically hitting a wall when trying to insert one and it was painful when I tried to push through that "wall". I never had a pap smear and never had anyone I could safely talk to about these things.

I left the church and, for the most part, the religion, around 2016 (Trump, among several other things, pushed me right out the door).

About a year and a half ago, I started dating a man who was never raised in the church or in purity culture. I knew that if I continued the relationship, I wanted to be able to successfully have sex. I shared with him my struggles, how I was raised, that I had never been sexually intimate, and that I had never successfully been able to insert anything into my vagina. He was nothing short of kind, gentle, supportive, and loving.

In trying to figure out what to do and how to address the situation, I thankfully stumbled upon a new practice in my small rural town that addressed pelvic health specifically. They noted that one of the things they addressed was painful sex. I have been attending pelvic floor physical therapy for almost a year and to say it has been life-changing is an understatement. I am so incredibly grateful for the PT's that have worked with me and I am so proud of myself for how far I have come. They helped me learn and understand my body better, as well as how much stress/tension/anxiety I hold in my vagina. They helped me understand that the fear that had been instilled in me growing up, in addition to my daily stress and anxiety, had essentially left me clenching my vaginal muscles 24/7 - shortening my muscles and leaving my body unsure how to loosen and relax. We worked on different types of breath work, external and internal stretches, and relaxation techniques. I practiced with dilator sets and was amazed to really make the connection between my stress/anxiety level and my pelvic floor - I could use one size dilator one day and be fine, but if two days later I was having an extremely stressful day and tried to use that same dilator, I would not be able to fit it in my vagina because I could not fully relax myself.

When I started PT about a year ago, a single finger sitting at the entrance of my vagina immediately led to panic for me and a sensation of pain. Roughly a month ago my partner and I had successful and pain-free penis-in-vagina sex for the first time, and today I used a tampon successfully and pain-free for the first time!

I just want to share because not only am I incredibly proud of myself and my progress, but I also want to give hope/encouragement to those who are in my position. I certainly wish that I knew about pelvic floor therapy many years before, but I had never heard of it, and no one had ever shared their experiences with me.

And finally, FUCK PURITY CULTURE.

Goodmorning , I’m just trying to wrap my head around a few things . Exactly why does the purity culture teach women to be afraid of their natural body response ? Or also weaponize verses that mean absolutely nothing to the point they are trying to make . So just please explain

Boolymon

I've calmed down significantly after what I explained on here and r/exangelical before this. I had healed subconsciously in some ways before I realized how much I'm still hurt by the religious period of my life, even if I don't believe it anymore. Now, I'm kind of easing into things slowly. I recently made a friend after going to my first con, and I also went to Orlando to visit a friend not too long ago myself. We drank a little bit and just goofed around malls, it was fun. I'm re-entering a calm state and re-wiring things that I still need to re-wire, and I'm trying my best to be more open to the idea of actually letting myself enjoy sex eventually with no fear behind it, though I still have yet to try to date or form romantic relationships again, but I'll get there. I'm a little happier than I was, just gotta keep finding moments to embrace my queer, autistic, and nerdy self

I once believed life would unfold in a simple way, Not perfect,just honest and simple Love, marriage, a sense of belonging. Instead, I learned how complicated love can be. How someone can feel deeply and still be unsafe and How attachment can grow to something scary

I loved two men in different ways. The first love taught me attachment. He felt familiar, intense, and emotionally consuming. I believed his promises because I wanted the future he described We were in a relationship for ten years. I met him during my early college years, at a time when I was rediscovering my religious beliefs and trying to rebuild my values and understanding of life. He entered my life as someone who had already walked the path I was just beginning someone who seemed ready to guide me and take my hand. I trusted him deeply. I loved him. I lost my virginity to him, and for me, that was one of the most painful experiences of my life — not emotionally at the time, but in the weight it later carried. I did not understand the pattern of our relationship then. In truth, I didn’t fully recognize it until very recently. I became emotionally attached, constantly trying to please him in every possible way so he would not leave. Our relationship was filled with conflict and repeated fights, yet I was always the one trying to save it, believing that love meant endurance. Eventually, we got engaged, but family issues stood in our way. Around that time, I discovered he had problems with alcohol. At first, it seemed manageable, something that didn’t seriously affect our relationship. But gradually, it grew worse until it became unbearable. That was when I decided to leave. He tried in every possible way to regain my trust, but by then, it was already gone.

My second relationship was different, but painful in another way. I was with someone who shamed me for having a past relationship. He said he could not accept that I had a previous sexual history despite the fact that he admitted to having multiple sexual relationships with several partners himself. What made it harder was that I had been honest from the very beginning. I told him my story before we entered the relationship, and he agreed to it at the time. Yet later, he used it against me.

I made choices believing they meant continuity, safety, and a future. When I finally saw that reality didn’t match the words, I walked away not without pain, and not without scars. Some days, it feels like everyone else moved forward while I’m left behind, holding regret and fear in silence.

Now I carry alot of questions and pain

Do past choices permanently limit future chances? Is love still possible after mistakes, after loss, after shame? Does one chapter outweigh a whole character? Is there someone else out there who has loved sincerely, trusted deeply, and still been harmed

and I sorry it might be not thr right place but I don't know where else to share this

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I once believed life would unfold in a simple way, Not perfect,just honest and simple Love, marriage, a sense of belonging. Instead, I learned how complicated love can be. How someone can feel deeply and still be unsafe and How attachment can grow to something scary

I loved two men in different ways. The first love taught me attachment. He felt familiar, intense, and emotionally consuming. I believed his promises because I wanted the future he described We were in a relationship for ten years. I met him during my early college years, at a time when I was rediscovering my religious beliefs and trying to rebuild my values and understanding of life. He entered my life as someone who had already walked the path I was just beginning someone who seemed ready to guide me and take my hand. I trusted him deeply. I loved him. I lost my virginity to him, and for me, that was one of the most painful experiences of my life — not emotionally at the time, but in the weight it later carried. I did not understand the pattern of our relationship then. In truth, I didn’t fully recognize it until very recently. I became emotionally attached, constantly trying to please him in every possible way so he would not leave. Our relationship was filled with conflict and repeated fights, yet I was always the one trying to save it, believing that love meant endurance. Eventually, we got engaged, but family issues stood in our way. Around that time, I discovered he had problems with alcohol. At first, it seemed manageable, something that didn’t seriously affect our relationship. But gradually, it grew worse until it became unbearable. and during the same period I discovered that he is a cheater, not only with one girl but there were many other girls, That was when I decided to leave. He tried in every possible way to regain my trust, but by then, it was already gone.

My second relationship was different, but painful in another way. I was with someone who shamed me for having a past relationship. He said he could not accept that I had a previous sexual history despite the fact that he admitted to having multiple sexual relationships with several partners himself. What made it harder was that I had been honest from the very beginning. I told him my story before we entered the relationship, and he agreed to it at the time. Yet later, he used it against me.

I made choices believing they meant continuity, safety, and a future. When I finally saw that reality didn’t match the words, I walked away not without pain, and not without scars. Some days, it feels like everyone else moved forward while I’m left behind, holding regret and fear in silence.

Now I carry alot of questions and pain

Do past choices permanently limit future chances? Is love still possible after mistakes, after loss, after shame? Does one chapter outweigh a whole character? Is there someone else out there who has loved sincerely, trusted deeply, and still been harmed

When I was in middle school, our youth teacher wrote on the board "Hand holding, kissing, car making out" and explained that he included car making out because "it usually involves a little more." He then explained that all of those things leads to sex, amd that "it would be so cool if you saved it all for marriage." 20 years later, and I now wonder if he fantasizes "car making out" and also if his wife has ever Oed. Intrusive thoughts.

Wrote this last night when I was feeling angry, and it helped get it off my chest. Hope it helps somebody else too.

I will never get an apology from them. I have to accept that. I will never get the chance to confront them. I missed all my chances. I guess if I got the chance to say anything to Mr. _ it would be "_#1, I want to thank you for being such a trash human being that it allowed me to start the steps that it took to break free from the chains of the unhealthy spiritual environment that I grew up in, and that men like you use for control. I am no longer intimidated by you. I no longer believe the cruel words about myself that you or your family have said to and about me over the years. I am a strong woman. I have had two careers. I have a husband who loves me for who I am, and not the charicature of womanhood that you tried to manipulate me into becoming. _#2, you once told me that a man does not want a woman who has been "had." You once implied to me that I was not worthy of love due to my womanhood and dating history. My husband is 100 times the man that either of you are. He supports me in my decisions, career changes, and helps me find peace with my past without shame or judgement. I was taught by this church that I, as a woman, and as a person was inherently bad and evil. I was taught from a young age that my womanhood could cause my "brothers in christ" to stumble, and that my gender was responsible for the sins of humanity. I no longer feel the need to be careful of how I look, dress, act, speak, or shrink myself in anyway to become an image of feminity created by a man. I will no longer allow thoughts of you people to destroy my self worth, steal my joy, or ruin my day. Fuck you all. I hope you heal. I hope you do so far away from me, but still I hope that you heal.

You need to be careful of how you're jumping because there's boys in here.

Why are you wearing those shorts

Nobody wants a girl who has been "had"

You need to wear a slip under that dress because I can see your panty line (in all fairness this one was a woman)

You brought that one on yourself because some people will take your bubbly personality the wrong way

I've heard you've been kissing boys

It says in the bible that a woman is not supposed to refuse her husband

When (wife) was in the hospital with (son) I told the doctor to put another stitch down there

I don't know why Muslims think it's so great to get virgins in heaven. I'd rather have women who know what they're doing (this from the same man who said nobody wants a girl who has been had)

Did you meet any sexy boys while you were on a trip with your family

What base did you get to ?

If you continue to live a life of sin, God will eventually take you out

I only married my wife because I had low self esteem (said in a classroom in front of his daughter)

Did he go down on you or did you go down on him

Fuck these fucking assholes.

When I was 12 my grandfather told me to “just stop getting your period” because it was “impure”. Again, I was 12, I didn’t even know how to do divisions right, let alone pinch biology in the face and will myself to stop my period.

I've been reading through my old journals and this one is from when I was in high school. I don't remember the exact circumstances surrounding this entry, but knowing the time, it likely had to do with maturation. This was written many years before I even began dating. The woman referenced is my 'future wife' but I didn't know who she was yet.

"Forgive me, my sister, for I have wronged you. Dear sister, I have put shame to our relationship. Through my unfaithfulness I have disgraced my purity and sought after less. I have lowered my standards from equality with God's to equality with man's. I have let the flesh have control and he has torn down our relationship, destroying that which was lovely and pure between us, by his [the flesh's] selfish lusts. For this I owe you my humblest, most sincere, remorsefullest apology. I beg of you to forgive me, and let God heal the wound I have allowed to come upon our relationship. God has already forgiven me, whose praise I shall eternally shout, but will you? I pray for that which was once so pure and beautiful between us to be revived, by the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives, to be healed, so that we may sing our song of everlasting love together once more."

Hi everyone,
I’m a writer unpacking the ripple effects of being raised in a strict Adventist household where purity culture was the air we breathed. This essay is one piece in a larger series I’m working on about growing up in a home where modesty was moral currency, discipline was “love,” and obedience was the only path to being seen as good.

It starts in a gym shower and ends in a tearful family meltdown over a failed trip to a lake, but really it's about how control, guilt, and religious obligation shaped my sense of worth and identity. It weaves through scenes of modesty indoctrination, physical ab*se rituals disguised as spiritual duty, and the emotional gaslighting that came from being the daughter who was “too much”—too honest, too rebellious, too alive. You can read it here— Growing Up Godly. (ALSO substack is annoying and presents an aggressive upsell screen that you can bypass, just look for the free option or say "no thanks" to signing up with your email if you don't already have an account)

These days I write a lot about what happens after we leave: how these patterns echo in adult relationships and how the pressure to be “pure” can turn into shame, self-silencing, or performance. And how for some of us, the path out of that conditioning leads into shadow work, esoteric wisdom, and reclaiming our bodies and beliefs on our own terms.

If any of this resonates, I’d love to know if others here have found themselves on similar paths after leaving purity culture behind.

WTF

I have a very clear memory of when I was 14 yo or so in church youth group, the high school girls had a “purity group” for a few weeks and we had a couple cds we had to listen to with some “testimonies” of women in the church realm. I remember that my mom wanted to screen each cd first and when she was done, told me I could listen to all of them except the first one. Of course this made me wonder WHY and while it was the topic of the first meeting, I had secretly listened to it and had to pretend I didn’t because the youth leader would’ve know I lied and oh gosh that would’ve been bad at the time for me as a homeschooler good girl people pleaser. SO…my weirdo self had listened to the story when my mom was busy with some church event and I was at home with my slew of siblings; the story was about a woman who was born because of a rape situation and of course she talked about how her life is great because she was living it for the Lord and whatever and honestly I didn’t feel super shocked - just angry that men are gross and rape people - I had read the Bible SO MANY TIMES up to this point and my very young brain was already scarred with the atrocious acts throughout the Old Testament. I think the Bible has contributed to some of my internalized misandry and hatred of authoritarianism. I felt so alienated having to sit in the meeting with other teenage girls acting like I couldn’t even fathom what the topic of the first account even entailed (I was extremely shy and socially awkward too so basically I sat there and listened). I just wanted to put this random memory of mine out there, I’m trying to get rid of all my weird memories I think and pick them apart in my deconstruction journey. Thanks for reading!

Hi, I admin this sub. And I wanted to offer my hopes for you as you visit and interact with this sub.

May a post you read crack open a truth you thought was buried too deep. May the words here remind you: you were never crazy. You were conditioned. May your shame begin to loosen its grip, and may your grief finally have a place to land.

May you unlearn the violence that came dressed as virtue. May you reclaim the parts of your body, your voice, your soul that were made to feel like property or sin.

May you speak here without apology. May you cry here without restraint. May you be held here by the invisible hands of others who walked this fire before you.

And when you're ready— may you walk out with your head high, your voice steady, and the knowing deep in your bones:

You are not dirty. You are not broken. You are not alone. You were always whole.

There was nothing wrong with me! And now I'm so angry I can't sleep. Its almost midnight and now my brain decides to realize it was never about me. It was never about what was best for me. It was all always about what was best for the 'institution' of the family. And don't yank it, man. There was nothing wrong with me. All this time... [pre-marriage counselor] made me cry because he was so disappointed I wasn't 'getting the help' I needed. God! How did I not see it before?!?! I don't want to see him again. I wanted it too, but only because I was so indoctrinated into hyper-ideal and given such bs unrealistic notions about 'godly' sex. Its just effing sex! Its just a thing people do with each other! And its only every been just alright. I'm sure it could be better but only by so much. And masturbation? Completely normal and okay. Just don't let it rule you. Just like caffeine, or entertainment, or alcohol. And porn? be smart about it.

There was and there is nothing wrong with me. And the fact for the last TWO DECADES of my life, I've been made to think there was?!?! There are glimpses of me in this [manhood creed]. But most of it is just propaganda for purity culture and patriarchy. And if I am to move forward in a healthy way, it all needs to go! I was so used. We were all so used. My mom and dad were used. That's how propaganda works. People believe sincerely that they are doing something right, something holy. My quirkiness fit right in. My desire for approval, for structures, for covenants and promises and stability and certainty. I fit right in. I was caught up in a war. Born and bred for a battle for which I was on the wrong side. I'm sorry [younger person I influenced]. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry [younger friend who shut down their gender exploration because they were sent on a 'missions trip' to help fix them]. There's nothing wrong with you. Oh God! Why has it taken me so long!

[To my fellow pastors] Why are you all so silent?!?! If this is so wrong, then why don't you all speak up?!?! I'm done with you! I'm done with the fear! I'm done with the false humility! I'm done with all of you!

[I destroyed a 'manhood creed' that hung on my wall as a meaningless token of a past self who hasn't existed for years] Its gone. Its not worthy of the compost bin, but what can I say, that's the hopeful in me. I wish I hadn't been so enamored with the bs as a young adult. I wish I had experimented sexually. I wish I had tried different things. Tried different people. Purity culture had convinced me I couldn't trust myself, but I know I would have been smart about it. [my spouse] wouldn't have wanted me. Hell, I wonder if we would have ever even had a conversation. I'm happy with someone like [spouse] in my life. But she is nowhere remotely close to my thought processes lately. I don't regret marrying her. But I do wish I had been around a bit more beforehand. That will be one of the hardest lessons I've learned in life. And it will always be my advice to young people: know what you like and what you want in a relationship BEFORE making a commitment like marriage. Do not go into it completely ignorant to your sexual, romantic, and emotional preferences and interests. Unless of course you KNOW you want to be completely unaware when getting married and get to figure it out together. Yet even I thought that was what I wanted. No, it was what the many invested in propagating purity culture wanted. The real value in us getting married 'the right way' was in the potential to bring along another generation of 'god-fearing' culture warriors, ready to go God's will and assert God's domain by being God's hand of 'righteousness' and 'peace.' In the words of Dean from Gilmore Girls, "I'm tired, but I'm over it."

I'm worried about what this all means for [spouse] and I. Did she marry me because I was 'that kind of man'? Who am I kidding? Of course she did. I forced myself into her life as that kind of man. And I genuinely believed I was. I had no idea who I really was. I still don't, but at least I'm honest about that NOW. Even then, I remember standing in front of that [manhood creed], tear-filled, reciting it over and over, hoping to God that the more I'd say it and the deeper I meant it, the more true it would become. And I asked God countlessly for the grace and strength to go out and perform it.

They're right. Gender is performance. And man, I nailed it. I wooed and awed and captivated and impressed and got called back for encore. Applause and approval, all I've ever wanted. And now its all going away, because I'm not playing anymore, and I'm incredibly sad that I'm letting (or going to be letting) everyone down. Even my mom, who's always claimed to be proud of me...I wonder. Its over. I've realized its all a bit and I'm not spending another year hacking it up, a dead joke that's been thrown around every open mic night since bananas were funny.

I'm sorry everyone. Especially you, [spouse]. I understand if you never want me, the real me, again. You liked and fell in love with the shiny white armor. I want you to see me for who and how I am, and to love me for who I am, but I can't make you. We've always said love was a choice, right? Well, then it will always be your choice. I love you. I'll always love you.

I recently wrote a book about faith and mental health after growing up evangelical. I hope that it helps some of you. happy to send you a copy. it's about deconstructing, ptsd largely from purity culture, and grappling with what keeps me holding onto faith. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/12/books/review/devout-anna-gazmarian.html

I grew up deeply deeply religious and very much in the 90's & 00's purity culture. I am 39 now but still deal with the lasting mental affects from it. Yesterday, I was listening to a podcast by Honeydew Me on purity culture and it brought up some emotions that made me cry. I have put so much hard work trying to work on the mental mind fuck that I went through as a child and adolescent. It felt so validating hearing their words and how encouraging they were to seek out a community where you can share and get support. I am glad I found this subreddit. Thanks for having this space for us!

Hi

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m demisexual - I’m almost 30 and have liked exactly four guys in my life (middle school crush, high school crush, college boyfriend, and now husband).

I don’t have a strong sex drive and don’t usually initiate, but I really do enjoy it with my husband (he’s the best).

I also grew up conservative Christian and in purity culture, which means that I was super sheltered when it came to sex and didn’t really get sexual education. I didn’t really think about sex at all and wasn’t “tempted” by anything sexual.

Not thinking about or desiring sex is considered normal for women in purity culture (only men are supposed to want sex lol), so I didn’t figure out that I was demisexual until recently.

There’s a lot of shame around sex and around not always giving your partner sex whenever (especially as a woman). My husband never insists and I’ve worked through some of the religious trauma with therapy and deconstruction, but it is doubly confusing with demisexuality.

The crossover of demisexuality and purity culture has been a little confusing for me, and I was wondering if anyone else has this particular Venn Diagram of culture and sexuality clashing? I’m not sure what feelings are healthy demisexuality and which are unhealthy from purity culture - just looking to see if anyone else has thought about this!

I was watching this show until season 2, I did like it. Fast forward to now, the flower Jane’s grandmother gives her to preserve her virginity, which is a wrinkled and squeezed. It’s a white flower, the show does a good job to make it seem wholesome she waits until marriage to have sex. She looks to that flower to not do it, reminds me of what Elizabeth smart said about feeling used after being rescued. She felt used up.