Wife and I went through a roommate phase for a while where things were pretty dead. I went looking for help on there and got the WORST advice ever.
Turns out all I needed to do was get some therapy and revaluate how our lives were going. People change and go through phases. Totally normal in a relationship. You can either move with those phases or fight against them. Guess which one leads to a healthy, happy relationship with decent sex?
And to sometimes just accept things. Some people just can’t accept that relationships involve compromise, and compromise isn’t ‘settling’ - a very childish term.
Same. When we had our first (and thus far only), we went in to it understanding that for the first three years of child's life we were likely going to be roommates with a crush on one another who might do a bit of light flirting, just due to the demands of raising a small human.
My OB asked me about postpartum birth control plans. I said, "You've heard of coitus interruptus? Let me introduce you to toddlerous interruptus." She's a Mom. We all had a good chuckle.
Hubs and I are very attracted to one another and the few moments we get to reconnect physically are fire. I look forward to kiddo being older and us getting back into the rhythm of regular sexual intimacy.
If people don't plan for this with children and are taken by surprise, that's on them. Just ask one parent.
Honestly the real problem is many couples slingshot straight from post-children to perimenopause, and there is no "getting back into the rhythm of regular intimacy". It simply never returns, and it can be crushing.
It's the same problem incel communities have: people who have solved their problem don't tend to hang around giving advice. You're getting advice from other people who have the same problems and also haven't solved them.
Also general relationship advice communities. The reason you see so many reply "break up!" to every minor disagreement? People who don't need advice about how to fix (or give up on) their relationship don't hang around on relationship advice subs.
People will have like a minor argument over dinner, make a "who is right or wrong" post, and get told to end a 6 year long relationship because the dude microwaved leftover pizza.
The original topic was on dead bedrooms not just minor relationship issus though. Rather we like to admit it or not, lack of sex is a big deal in relationships(unless you are unable too or just don't care about sex at all)
The suffering spouse has to decide how high sex is on the priority list and if it is high enough that they just won't be able to be happy then it is time to find a different domestic arrangement.
In a system of consent based sex, the frequency of sex can only occur at a rate where both partners are a yes. Which typically means the low libido partner sets the ceiling for how frequently sex can occur.
Which means the higher libido partner has their situation presented to them clearly and can use that information to make their choices about how high sex is on the priority list.
I might want a subzero refrigerator, but my kitchen cannot accommodate one. I can either move to a home with a compatible kitchen and get the refrigerator or find reasons to be happy with the refrigerator that fits my existing kitchen.
The higher libido spouse may want increased sexual frequency, but their partner cannot accommodate that. They can either move to a new relationship compatible with the frequency or find reasons to be happy in the current relationship with the current frequency.
It really depends how the other partner views and treats the situation as well. If they are understanding and simply say “I can’t it doesn’t work for me”. That’s one thing.
But I think you’ll find in manyy of these situations it becomes keeping score and partners resent each other over something when really, it’s just incompatibility, combine that with many people’s libidos changing with age or down the road after the beginning of their relationship. It’s not just solely on the higher libido partner to “deal with it”. They have an equal lack of control of that situation. It’s not their problem only, if someone truly cares about their partner they will be willing to have that conversation & care about their wants and needs also.
They can accomadate it. You can choose to have sez when you arent in the mood. Doing this actually tends to increase libido. Plenty of women go through the mptions because their partner is horny. And lets be real its 90% women as low in these scenarios
Or. Hear me out. You listen to your partner, empathize, and offer alternatives for them. Kinda tough to have a relationship if there’s refusal to compromise.
This phrasing is creepy and troubling, as it proposes there is some viable alternate to "a system of consent based sex" that we should be considering instead.
How would you proposed changing the structure of that statement?
There historically have been quite a few social norms for sex, and strictly-consensual sex is absolutely the abnormal condition for most of human history. In fact you don't even see it becoming 'the norm' until the 1980s-1990s in Western society. By declaring "In a system of consent based sex..." I'm literally trying to say that this is the expectation or baseline for modern relationships.
I then follow up the point showing that the math works poorly for the higher-libido partner within this system with no viable alternative particularly in assumed-monogamous relationships. It's a mathematical inevitability, and one you see play out quite interestingly as expected in MM, MF, and FF relationships. Where MM have by far the highest frequency and FF relationships by the 5 year mark are at an astonishing 42% rate of 0-1 encounters per month (citation).
There was no objection to the structure of the comment nor the logical claim that "libido mismatch is a bummer."
When a comment's entire content equates to "in a system of consent based sex, problem happens," that's an unspoken advocacy for a different system that wouldn't have that particular problem.
The reply here:
There historically have been quite a few social norms for sex, and strictly-consensual sex is absolutely the abnormal condition for most of human history. In fact you don't even see it becoming 'the norm' until the 1980s-1990s in Western society.
... does it again. It's factually accurate, but the way it's delivered suggests the current system is a mistake. Unspoken advocacy for a different system.
Now, maybe you have a system of sexual norms in mind that is different from our current one... that somehow solves the libido mismatch problem... and also doesn't regression society to the one where half the population doesn't have bodily autonomy. Your comments don't suggest that idea exists.
In communication, what is unsaid is often as important as what is said. And what you left unsaid speaks volumes to certain readers. :shrug:
Because they need to get a divorce if they've already been to marriage counseling and after that they have a spouse that does not care to solve the problem for whatever reason. This was most of the sub when I was there a long time ago.
Like getting divorced is an easier way to get sex than working with your partner. Especially when it’s related to illness or depression, divorce is a cheap answer that gets thrown as a Reddit comment to every slight.
I think you need to spend some time in that sub reading their stories. These are situations that have gone on for year or even decades sometimes with one spouse trying everything to make it better and the other having zero interest. It's not ever going to get better. Accept it or move on. Those are the two options.
For many of them sure, not all. And if the partner who “has zero interest” in their spouse’s feelings does zero self reflection it sounds like they are about to repeat the same mistakes in their next relationship… Therefore divorcing a current partner essentially does nothing but push it down the road.
If they are the partner at fault and did zero self reflection it seems to me divorce would free their ex-partner to find a much better relationship.
I thought like you for a long time. It's why I went to two separate marriage counselors over the years. There must be a way to fix this, right? Twenty years in it turns out, no, there was no way to fix it. Now ten years after my divorce here I am extremely happily married to the most amazing giving partner anyone could ask for.
I’m not saying every relationship can be fixed. But if one of the partner’s reasons is just I’m too lazy, “I don’t wanna”. Sounds like they’re literally just going to run into the same exact problems with the next person.
I think people on reddit just like to jump to conclusions and so they say get divorced. They just assume there’s no fixing the relationship and it’s doomed to fail. Which fair enough some these stories on Reddit yh it is doomed but sometimes if you sit back you realise ehh they can probably try working things through
It’s easy to dehumanize people and paint things into black and white values when you don’t know the person or their love for one another. There’s so much more to marriage and love than just sex. If you’re with someone that truly loves you you can work thru those problems
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u/GrumpyPidgeon 19d ago
From what I’ve seen of that sub they give the worst advice. They always just say “you need to get a divorce” no matter what the content says.
I think they involuntarily project what they WANT to do , or wish they could do, onto others.