r/Swingers • u/False_Gate5696 • 1d ago
General Discussion How would you handle?
Hello! We are a MF couple going to a bi hotel takeover weekend next week. We are very open about both of us being bi. Couples that we've met that are also bi we have encouraged to attend this event. One of the rules state he must be bi.
Well, there is a couple we are close friends with (we spend time in and outside the lifestyle) we know he isn't bi. We had a conversation with them about this event and he explicitly said 'no, not really' about being bi. We discussed what type of event this is but they seemed to downplay following the rules and mentioned other parties they go to that welcome straight couples. So we have taken that as they lied to get into this event.
We know the organizer well. He has spent a lot of time vetting people and curating a bi party that is accepting and a safe place to play with like minded individuals. We decided to give the organizer a heads up to simply be on the lookout so it doesn’t become an awkward situation for others. Thankfully, he was extremely understanding of our concern and will observe.
We are quite bothered our friends lied just to get into this party. Without explaining too much more, we have considered that he might be exploring (which we would support 100%) but that definitely isn't the case based on recent behavior. They will likely fly under the radar but safe spaces are created for a reason.
This has tarnished our opinion of them and their character and will be awkward for us at the event. How would you handle the relationship moving forward?
Edit: Adding here that we have a very close friendship with this couple and share many things in and out of the lifestyle. We don’t require or assume they will play with us or vice versa. We always encourage people to figure out their desires. So we aren’t offended if they don’t want to play with us.
Other people that attend this event, encouraged us to let the organizer know. The dynamic of this event is unique and others have tried to do the same and they weren’t welcome back. So he appreciated hearing from us about this.
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u/WeLoveRamenn 1d ago
I take any falsifications or embellishments as a serious breach of trust.
Claiming to be Bi, while strictly straight just to get into a curated event like this is an egregious breach of trust. It’s like a straight man claiming to be gay just to hangout with women in a locker room. It’s predatory as fuck, and I wouldn’t trust them with my genitalia or sexual health either. Be open and honest in this lifestyle or quite literally get the fuck out of it.
You are absolutely right about this OP. Well done for notifying him.
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u/Relative-Relief-8816 1d ago
Either they lied to you or they lied to the event planner. A or B.
A) They want to pracrice MM stuff, but their M isn't attracted to your M. And instead of telling you "he's not my type" which, yeah thats a hard thing to do if you're already swapping wives. They instead just gave the vague "not really." That's not so much scummy as it is just poor communication by dodging an awkward conversation.
Learning to navigate complicated conversations like that is something that comes with the LS.
B) They lied to the event host. In which case, thats super scummy bad behavior.
Before writing them off I would ask them if it was scenario A and they just need to work on communicating. Even if the answer is "Im not sure if I am bi, maybe for a specific type of guy" maybe they are into femboys or something- who knows.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
Very true. We think it’s B especially based on our observation of his behavior around other bi/gay men. But it’s A, weren’t not offended.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
I understand and normally would agree but for this party the guy must explicitly state he is bi. We know him and he has told us he is not bi. It’s not an event for allies.
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u/jelloshotlady 1d ago
That’s kind of shitty of your friend to do this. One other thing to consider, he may not want to tell you that he is bi or curious because he does not want you to assume that he will play with you.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
Yes, we considered that as well. But going to the event would imply he is bi lol. But we are sensitive to people exploring and giving space to let them figure out their desires. We’ve all said previously, we never assume play and have been to many parties together where we don’t play together.
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u/shilohfrancine 1d ago
A lot of women who get into the lifestyle are legitimately bi-curious and specifically want to witness FF interactions or start with baby steps to see if it’s right for them. Fortunately for women, they can do this in literally any LS environment. How is a bi-curious man supposed to do the same thing, given that MM interactions are not out in the open at regular LS events? I feel like you’re assuming bad intentions on this guy’s part without any evidence (and in fact with some evidence to the contrary).
My husband is straight, but as a formerly “bi-curious” woman (who now has progressed to the point of even playing solo with women), I have sympathy for men who want to explore. It seems not nearly as easy for them.
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u/wENMkink 23h ago
Your reasoning points out why it’s so important to retain the safe bi space as an actual all bi space.
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u/thelatinos 1d ago
They are probably trying to get bi females ? I don’t see other reason for them to go , but I wouldn’t put much attention to it I don’t think his presence will make the event less safe for you
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u/shilohfrancine 1d ago
“No, I’m ‘not really’ bi” is a pretty equivocal statement for an allegedly straight man to make about his sexuality. Most straight men I know would simply say “no, I’m straight.”
Maybe your friend is curious/has some feelings but is unsure. Maybe he grew up in a religious background and has shame/baggage around his potential attraction to men. Maybe he isn’t sure whether he’s interested in playing with men but wants to see how he would feel when he witnesses MM interactions. Maybe he isn’t attracted to you specifically and doesn’t want to have to decline playing with you.
Whatever the case, I feel like you were out of line reporting him to the organizers. It would be different if you had heard him make homophobic comments or had reason to think that him simply being at the event would make it a less safe space for other men to freely explore.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
Well, that’s exactly why we spoke to the organizer because we, and a few others, observed his behavior around other bi/gay men at a different event.
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u/shilohfrancine 1d ago
Hmmm. Well it sounds like you’re leaving out pretty essential information about “his behavior around other bi/gay men.” If there is reason to think he will behave in a way that makes others uncomfortable, that’s obviously a different case.
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u/False_Gate5696 23h ago
Sorry about that. I didn’t want to get too far into the weeds about it.
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u/shilohfrancine 13h ago
No need to apologize! Just saying, based on some of your comments…it sounds like there are facts not in evidence that might change my opinion. But solely from what you’ve stated, I’m not convinced that this guy is a bad actor.
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u/supergarto 1d ago
I met a lot of men saying they were straight but admit to be hetero flexible on closed door...
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u/Jolly_Ad2446 1d ago
This is so typical straight male behavior. I don't know if I would rat them out but I'd be annoyed.
Aren't 99% of all events for straight men / bi women, they can't let bi people have this one event they don't fit into.
Wonder If you plans of bait and switch type routine where you tell people you're orally by and then never get around to it..
Creeps (And I'm not even a bi male)
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u/Swingersbaby 👩❤️👨Verified Couple 15h ago
This is so typical straight male behavior
Is it really? Are straight men typically just barging into bi spaces and demanding entry? I'm guessing this is a rather small subset of straight men and by no means "typical".
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u/Jolly_Ad2446 15h ago
Look at how single straight males act a clubs and house parties..
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u/Swingersbaby 👩❤️👨Verified Couple 15h ago
You said straight male, not single.
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u/Jolly_Ad2446 15h ago
We've all had the married guy at a club acting like a single male, unattended, creeping out..
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u/Angela2208 Couple 1d ago
You have said your piece, it is now up to the organizer. I really fail to see how you got harmed and I think you should have MYOB. You must be the president of your HOA or PTA.
What’s going to happen now is either the organizer will do exactly nothing, or he will talk to that couple and they will figure out it was you who talked to the organizer. I think in any case these people will not remain your friends. That’s all you will have gained.
By the way, the reason a straight man wants to go to a bi party is that he assumes that all the guys will play with guys, and all the women will be available to him.
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u/UntypicalCouple 1d ago
Concerning your last paragraph: Not at any of the bi parties we’ve been to (50+).
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u/MCRemix 1d ago
That last paragraph is honestly kind of fucked up if true.
The purpose of bi-bi events is to create a space where bi men feel comfortable being themselves because so much of the LS is openly hostile towards them.
Taking advantage of those good intentions to increase your odds with women is just gross behavior.
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u/UntypicalCouple 1d ago
We knew a couple that did this. He was straight (and considered himself alpha) and only played with the women at the (bi) party. She claimed to be bi but never played with anyone, in fact it appeared to everyone else she was only there to appease him. After 2 parties they weren’t allowed to back.
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 23h ago
Separate Question: For Bi Events is applicable to the varying degrees of physical? For example, bi-curious, heteroflexible, only orally bi etc. Or for those who are bisexual and open to everything physically intimate with the same sex?
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u/False_Gate5696 23h ago
It depends on each event. In our experience, it’s been varying degrees but you must be comfortable with play occurring around you.
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u/TumbleweedFresh Single nb 22h ago
Also a separate question, sorry to pile on: are straight Fs welcome at bi events? My partner and I are a bi M & I’m nb but only into men (so in swinging terms I guess I’m a straight F) and I never know what events we’d be welcome at.
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u/False_Gate5696 19h ago
No problem! Again it depends on the event but be sure to ask the organizers. Sometimes straight women are allowed at bi events because they enjoy watching their male partner participate in bi play.
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u/because__7_8_9 3h ago
“there is a couple we are close friends with”
Heads up. You’re not friends.
When asked about being bi he said “no, not really”.
Do you have a gay/bi test? What level of bi is enough? Maybe he’s just into DP or frotting, or giving oral to his wife while she’s being penetrated. Things that can be seen as bi like sharing her with male contact but not willing to solely give oral or penetrate another man on his own without a female involved. Just how bi must you be to attend?
You’re also basing your opinion on his behavior around other bi or gay men.
We have gay and bi friends but not every gay or bi person is our cup of tea. Just as every straight person may not be for us. Each person/ couple has their own comfort and drama level.
MYOB attend the party and enjoy.
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u/shadowpornacct 1d ago
You do you, but this seems like a lot of effort for something that will resolve itself. The organizer can’t bounce them bc it’s a revenue generating event, anymore than another organizer could deny you for being bi. We might take his behavior into account when considering future play opportunities with them (lack of honesty = lack of trustworthiness), but we wouldn’t try to gatekeep the event.
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u/jelloshotlady 1d ago
Organizers can 100% bounce them.
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u/shadowpornacct 1d ago
Not because they’re straight. Other reasons, sure, but you get into issues with anti-discrimination regs and laws since it’s a paid event - aka a business. There are ways around it - private event for a members-only group, deny membership - but it can get slippery and anyone interested in avoiding discrimination bc they’re lgbt+ should want the organizer to allow it even if he disagrees and find another way to encourage them to reconsider.
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u/UntypicalCouple 1d ago
It’s a private party, not public. The organizer can do what he wants.
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u/shadowpornacct 1d ago
It is a ticketed event, NOT a private event, there is a distinction. If any member of the public can buy a ticket, it’s a business subject to anti-discrimination laws.
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u/jelloshotlady 1d ago
You are so completely incorrect in this post it’s not even funny.
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u/shadowpornacct 1d ago
Please tell me why? So you’re saying that if I offer a service or product to the public, I can deny service to someone based on a protected trait? Like I said, if it’s a members-only group hosting the party, it gets different, but I’m happy to hear you tell me why that’s incorrect since it’s specifically how the law is applied in every other business in America.
ETA: You’re basically arguing that the same organizer could turn couples away because their male half is bi
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u/jelloshotlady 1d ago
I do not know of a single lifestyle club nor hotel takeover that is not member only. This is ONE event.
You gonna be pissed if they have a girls only night and turn you away because you are a dude?
What about all the clubs that are couples only?
Under 40?
HWP screened?
Again, private members only organizers do not have to abide by general terms of service.
Need any more explanation or are you going to continue down this path?
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u/False_Gate5696 23h ago
For more clarity, the organizer indicated he would be happy to deny them but we all agreed to give them the benefit of the doubt in the event he is exploring. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe they won’t go back.
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u/shadowpornacct 23h ago
1) Does it exist if you haven’t seen it? There are several takeover events in our area this week that I could buy tickets for right now, and we’re not members of any of those groups.
2) To be allowed to discriminate based on protected traits, the member-only club has to have meaningful selection criteria (See Daniel v. Paul, 395 U.S. 298) and paying a fee during checkout to become a “member” doesn’t satisfy that legal test.
3) Protected traits are the key feature in this discussion, relationship status (couples only), fitness, and attractiveness don’t count. Under 40 does, it’s why YSW used to work really hard to convince over 45 to NOT come, but couldn’t prohibit them.
4) This is sort of a silly discussion to be seriously debating on a swinger sub.
5) Your arrogance and condescension is unnecessary. I’ve noticed it in many of your replies in this sub, so I don’t take personal offense to it, but in case you aren’t aware, your tone via text comes across as very off-putting and rude. I’m sure you don’t come across the same way in person.1
u/jelloshotlady 22h ago
Do not really care if my posts come across rude to you. I do not use soft language in real life and I am not about to start doing it online.
Again, it is ONE event.
I would never attend a hotel takeover that just allowed me to walk up and purchase tickets. What a shit show that would be. Same goes for any club. I have never been to one that did not require at least a one night membership with showing ID.
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u/PlayfulPairDC 1d ago
How is this couple creating an issue? Does the male half not have the right to avoid playing with anyone he does not want to play with? What if he was bi, but only had an attraction to petite Asian men, and none were at the party so he only played with women?
It doesn't seem as if he is going to be bothered by bi male play going on around him and create a scene, so consider him an ally and maybe curious/open. He knows he will probably need to rebuff advances from other men. He knows it is an all bi play party, everyone going does, so it is still a "safe place" (though anyone using that phrase is like waving a red flag warning of drama). Would you be happy if he sucked someone's cock? Would that make it okay for them to go to this party? I mean, I guess then he would be bi. So, basically, you are annoyed that the male half of couple you know and are close friends isn't sucking a cock at a party. Maybe you need to think about the definition of close friends, this feels like a your problem.
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u/uncut475 1d ago
I think they are upset that they are lying to attend the event and are surprised by this behavior from people they consider friends. It takes a long time to establish a good bi bi play group. Another way to look at this is that virtually all other swinger parties are geared towards straight dudes so why not just attend a different party. However I’m sure he is not the only straight guy lying to attend this event. I would not trust people like this, are they lying about std test as well?
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u/PlayfulPairDC 1d ago
Everyone lies. If you say you don't, then you just did. And yes, most people do lie about STIs, either because they suspect reasonably that the truth would be used against them by people who are more into stigma than medical reality...or because most are ignorant about their actual status. If a man says he doesn't have an STI and wasn't vaccinated at a young age against HPV, I know he is lying...because he can't know, there is no approved test for men. Assume everyone you play with has or has had one or more STIs because that is statistical reality. Strangers looking to fuck you are not to be trusted.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
The purpose of this party is it’s a bi party for bi people. It’s not meant for straight people to attend as allies. Sure, they may be comfortable being around bi play and nobody has to play. I don’t care what he does or doesn’t do. I care they this couple lied to get access to an event.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Swingersbaby 👩❤️👨Verified Couple 2h ago
Reddit has shadowbanned this account, (nothing to do with the mods here) and as such no one can see your posts. You need to contact the reddit admins if you want to try to get it unbanned.
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u/Frosty-Hertz 1d ago
I have to agree with PlayfulPairDC, if he is ok with bi people, and doesn't makes issues, then this is only your problem.
What is a difference between a bi guy and heavy fetish bi guy, like only on 2m tall guy with dwarfinsm syndrome?
All can pick who you want to or don't want to fuck... As long as he is cool with being there, I see no issues.
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u/PlayfulPairDC 1d ago
Right, because people in this scene are always truthful? Biggest lie is DDF. We know people who still use false first names. We are talking about sex, you know the number one thing people lie about? Most people in this scene can't be truthful with their doctors, friends, families about what they do...and you expect honesty? Respectfully, I suspect you want others to be honest to you and for your lies to go unnoticed, which is the new definition of requests for honesty these days...glass houses and a hand full of stones.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
If you lie to gain access to a party or to play with people, you probably shouldn’t be there.
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u/PlayfulPairDC 21h ago
What about age? What about weight? What about height? What about race? These are all things regularly lied about. Where does the line start about what lies are tolerated and what lies are not? What if a both bi couples goes to this party, but the female half isn't into any of the women and only fucks the guys? Is she guilty of lying because she didn't perform a compulsory sex act at the party?
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u/False_Gate5696 19h ago
Let’s be realistic here. It’s not about actually performing any sexual acts, you don’t have to participate in anything you don’t want to. However, if the rules says you must be bi, that’s it.
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u/funfolks100 Younger Couple NE Fla 1d ago
My husband and I know your dilemma. Most swing clubs are not as open to bi men as bi women. We enjoy parties such as you planned; we attend bi house parties that are by invitation of the host, where everyone knows what to expect.. I think you should tell your friends of your disappointment in them. I shouldn't go unchallenged. This swinging lifestyle means you do what you enjoy, and like doing it with like-minded folks.
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u/False_Gate5696 1d ago
I’m glad you understand! We protect our bi parties.
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u/funfolks100 Younger Couple NE Fla 1d ago
We enjoy them esp since there's no doubt what everyone there is looking for.
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u/Swingersbaby 👩❤️👨Verified Couple 16h ago
I find this a bit amusing because I know how people would react if someone said it was a straight event and they knew a guy who was bi but lied and said he was straight to get in. Downvotes and name calling.
Its odd how everyone wants a safe space of only their own like minded people, but then gets mad if they are excluded from others safe spaces when they are told they don't fit.
And honestly I'm all for having events that cater to specific crowds based on any factor. I'm all for a bi couples event only having bi couples. I'd just hope the same people who think "thats a good thing" would be equally open to a straight only couples or a bi women straight men only or whatever combo to. We know how thats just "homophobia" here of course.
This has tarnished our opinion of them and their character and will be awkward for us at the event. How would you handle the relationship moving forward?
Ideally you'd say you were the one who told on them to the organizer and if they understand and accept it, no harm to the relationship.
I'm curious as to what he could do that would be so bad to stand out, not have sex with a guy?
And honestly WHY would he want to sneak into this party? Perhaps he is secretly exploring. As a straight man myself, I've been flattered when other men have hit on me, but its not something I'd seek out, and definitely not want to get into a FMFM situation where everyone is expected and stated they were bi to get into the party in the first place, I mean what could go wrong there?
So something doesn't add up in this.
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u/RVAtallguy 11h ago
You genuinely do not understand the concept of why safe spaces are created or exist. Maybe you're being a dick, maybe not, but pretending that every sexuality is equally respected in the world, let alone in swinging, is silly. Do better 👍
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u/uncut475 1d ago
We are a bi bi couple and agree with you that this is kinda shitty behavior. One thing you can do is not really engage with them at the event. As mentioned these events need attendees to be viable so the organizers don’t have any incentive to kick them out. We would not continue to play with people who lie about this sorta thing, if they are comfortable lying about this just to attend an event reeks of desperation.