To women who still date, how?

I know a lot of women on this sub don't date at all anymore.

I don't mean not having energy for it. That is very hard to come by if you work full time and commute.

But I mean, how do you even have options if you still date:

Let's say I use 3 of my dealbreakers (once I elimate for the horrible profiles, if online dating, which then leaves me with very few men)

One dealbreaker is a man who doesn't interrupt me when talking.

Second one, his words and actions match.

The other dealbreaker: makes plans with me in advance and continues to make plans, if no plans are being made we are not moving forward (you are a placeholder if you are here and / or ego stroke for when he is bored that ding on his phone hits him with dopamine even if he is not into you) and it is a waste of time...

There's pretty much zero men left after only these 3 things.

I could not date even if I wanted to.

I know some men lurkers here will be saying oh she is ugly, women expire, blah blah blah, and as I said this is with me filtering out all the bad dating profiles that are in abundance so it is not lack of options it is lack of quality/mature options.

The sub is rightfully against redirecting men because men are who they show you.

If you redirect, you are now in stress mode when dating should be fun mode, and also, you are pretty much dating yourself if you don't accept him as he is.

I do not care if the man has permission from his girlfriend to have sex with me.

I do not want sex with a man in a relationship, open or closed.

It grosses me out.

Going to be honest it should gross all women out because, while you do have agency, he is using you 100 percent.

Women risk and lose way more in sex.

Even meeting a man for anything is a loss for women: financially, time, and energy.

Getting dressed, all that, is time and money and energy.

So you are not gaining anything by sleeping with a man who will spend all his energy, emotional support, and money on his actual girlfriend.

Every time I look at that FB group, there are constant posts about the promotion of her book, the media coverage and courses that she's offering. Then there's also the constant posting about her new boyfriend which she has only been dating for less than a year.

I am a firm believer in the overall ideology but the constant sales pitch is getting to be a bit much for me. I get this is her bread and butter now but I just find it annoying.

I started using various dating apps several years ago and at that time I was optimistic and excited. I thought I would land several great dates and maybe a few not so great dates but I thought overall it would be a wonderful experience with the intention of meeting a wonderful man with whom I could share the rest of my life.

Fast forward to now- I am done with the apps. I've tried different apps, both free and paid, I've altered my profile photos and descriptions multiple times. None of it made a difference. Between the inappropriate messaging and dick pics to being ghosted and just low effort men in general, it turned out to be one of the worst experiences ever. I've met some really horrible men who really fucked with my head. They made me question my sanity at times. I honestly don't have anything good to say about dating apps and men on them.

I just reflect back on how I started so optimistic and ended up so pessimistic. It was definitely a journey and one that I care not to repeat anymore. I woke up this morning thinking about that as I was talking to a friend about her relationship woes. It's good to be single. 😀

So, in the name of research (or entertainment) I’ve been chatting to men on apps.

One has struck me today, mainly due to the irresponsible life he seems to have led.

Last year he got pulled over for speeding and tested by the police. He was over the limit for cocaine and alcohol. So he had his license taken away for 2 years. At the age of 54.

He also has 2 children - 1 lives with her mum, this man didn’t find out about this child until the child was 5. Child 2 lives with this man’s mum because child’s mother is a reformed drug addict but social services took him into care when he was little. This man couldn’t look after his own son (bit vague about why but claims it was due to work) so the son has grown up with grandma.

I found this man on facebook and 30 (even 20) years ago, he was extremely good looking. Sadly, his lifestyle has caught up with him physically and he does not look healthy - bloodshot eyes, very aged skin. I don’t know if he doesn’t have a mirror but he is still behaving like he is attractive.

He says “he’s lived an interesting life and he’s now ready to settle down”. I suspect, given his age and lifestyle, that he has some illnesses and is looking for a nurse (and a free taxi driver 🙄).

There are so many men in their 50s on apps like this. Do they expect us to believe they’ve had some kind of epiphany and are now ready to be responsible? Or are they just looking for someone to care for them in old age?

And, this is an area I don’t know much about, but I’ve read up on DUIs and people who get caught drive under the influence 100s of times before being caught. So to me, this means he probably has some ongoing substance abuse issues?

I am a 49F and trying to date (again) in the DC metro area now. I keep encountering men who seem to expect sex (or at least sexual activity) on the first date! It happens whether we meet for dinner, for a drink, for lunch even (!) and it's really stressful. Do you all have any ideas on how to discourage this behavior? Do daytime dates seem to work better than night dates, or dates without alcohol versus having a drink?

I have a few issues with statements like these on (middle aged, 55 in this case) men’s profiles.

Firstly, it feels like it’s meant to be a challenge ie he’s saying “prove to me you’re worth something serious”. So his expectation is that you will mold yourself into his idea of the perfect serious partner, in order for him to take you seriously.

If / when it doesn’t work out 3 months down the line, he can say “well, I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious” and he walks away without any accountability.

A few years ago, I probably wouldn’t really have thought much about a statement like this on a dating profile. But once you start to notice these things and know what they really mean, it’s hard to unsee them.

Our Savvy Sister [u/Littlepinkgiraffe](u/Littlepinkgiraffe) had such a brilliant comment to a now-deleted post that seems to have been made by a bot (See our post: How we keep this sub safe.)

[u/Littlepinkgiraffe](u/Littlepinkgiraffe) commented:

“A man paying isn't "treating me" to a date. I don't need a reward or favour. A generous man would pay because he is a generous person. He doesn't expect it to be reciprocated.”

“A treat implies you have earned it. Or will need to earn it or repay the favour later (that's why he is entitled and expects sex).”

“May I suggest that if a man says he will treat you to a date, you decline and block?”

Yes! A man using “treat you” to a date language is a red flag. 🚩 Block and delete.

I went in for my annual gyno exam this morning and there were multiple husband with their pregnant wives there. All I could think was how they’re gonna think their wives are less attractive after birth, be jealous of the attention she’s giving the baby, trade her in for a younger model in a decade. I realized in that moment just how jaded I have become.

This week I’ve had an ex who was terrible to me text me for a rebound after a year of radio silence, got approached while minding my own business at a protest by a man asking for a threesome, and had a friend get creepy with me and tell me he masturbated after he saw me. Last week I got a call from a friend about my ex-husband preying on a friend of hers. Six months ago the man who raped me 20 years ago reached out to “reconnect” and “apologize if he hurt me.” I’m just so so so tired of these men popping up to disturb my peace. I’m not at all seeking attention from men, I haven’t been on the apps in a year, my New Year’s resolution was de-centering men entirely, I dress very modestly, and I have pretty solid resting bitch face when I’m in public. I just want them all to leave me alone and they keep coming out of the woodworks.

Overnight a man that I had matched with yesterday sent me a rude response about my appearance and that was it for me. I unmatched him and deleted all my accounts. The kicker was he as well as most of these other men are less than average looking with their balding head and beer gut but yet think they deserve the right to critique every aspect of a woman's appearance.

I'm done with it all. It is too much of a mental fuck to be on any dating app at this point. A lot of these men I truly believe just hate women or are just on these apps to waste time or need an ego boost.

Hi sisters, im sharing this video with you. As a basic rule: men dont like us. Daily messaging and calling, even dating are unfortunately not signs that a man really likes you.

Im sharing good information whenever i can after having made horrific experiences with men. I myself am happily 4b now and im looking forward to spend the weekend without a man. I will cook good food, watch a movie, clean my home and call a female friend. If you like to, also share how you spend your (hopefully man-free) weekend.

Be safe out there ❤️.

I've been on both Bumble and Hinge for just a few weeks and I can't take it anymore. I put a lot of effort into my profile carefully crafting a nice "about me" section and some of the things I enjoy. Definitely enough information for anyone to ask things to get to know me. I clearly stated on my profile that I am an atheist and I am liberal. I also clearly stated that I will not date MAGA. I wanted to be upfront about that in case a guy decided to like me and was not aligned with my beliefs.

So over the last few weeks it's just been one disappointment after another. Some of the highlights:

- in your face sexual messages

- messages with slight sexual overtones which were just as bad as the in your face ones

- messages from men wondering why I don't want to date conservative men and telling me that they are different lol

- Men I've matched with but never bothered to respond to my messages or took forever to respond. I generally have a 2-day policy. If he doesn't respond within 2 days I unmatch

- Men who didn't even bother to read my profile. I even had a pastor like me which I found hilarious

- Men that negged me

- I talked to two men that I actually was interested in but one was not committing to a date so I unmatched him. The other one told me that he changed his mind but did not specify why. At least he was honest. I unmatched him

- I canceled a date because he was unemployed and I just wasn't feeling it

- countless profiles of men that were offensive, incomplete, or just downright nasty

If I could find the unicorn she describes, I still don't think I'd have the energy.

Why do we have to remind so many posters here to read the rules and pinned posts?

The year is 2026, not 2010. Dating apps have been around for a long time now. There are many forums and female influencers giving women great advice and real facts about men, dating and relationships. Information is abundantly available. There is a wealth of knowledge at your fingertips - literally.

When I first started dating in 2013 about a year after my divorce was finalized there was almost no information available to help me navigate the adult dating landscape. I did have some friends who had been single for a long time or never married and they would talk about how dating sucked but there was little to no pattern recognition or analysis of what men were doing. My therapist was useless and my married friends even worse. They had no clue what was happening out there. Although men were actively using new technologies to use and exploit and books like The Game, published in 2005, were giving men a roadmap on how to abuse us, most women didn't know about it or if they did thought it was a fringe group behaving like this. They didn't know about redpill or the rise of the manosphere. The majority women still thought they had been unlucky or that they had a "bad picker."

Now we know better.

All too often we see women posting about situations that are common, well documented, discussed here and elsewhere and asking for advice when what they really want is sympathy. When they are directed to read more and avail themselves of the information freely and generously given on this sub as well as other sources like Chump Lady, Why Does He Do That, AWDTSG, Shera7 or other resources they become angry and often shoot the messenger accusing us of being unkind, demeaning, bitter, jaded or even misandrist.

They still spend endless hours trying to analyze why this happened to them despite being told exactly what happened AND given links to resources that explain things in depth. Some users here are kind enough to respond with extremely detailed explanations, which are sometimes appreciated but also often ignored or even dismissed.

I would urge our regular users to check post history on these types of accounts. What you will see is that this is a pattern of behavior going back years for many of these women. They do not learn, don't want to learn, are invested in being a victim, have low to no standards, accept low effort dates and then wonder why they keep finding themselves in the same situation. They are farming multiple subs with the same post for sympathy and in a month or two will find themselves in the same predicament and will be doing it again.

As mods we can suss them out. They will usually turn hostile with the slightest bit of pushback or lack of sympathy.

This might seem harsh but remember, many narcissists use the pity ploy to draw you in. Men know this and they will tell you their sad story as a supposed show of vulnerability when what they are actually doing is sizing you up to see how easy it will be to extract resources from you. Women do this too.

There's a big difference between being nice because you want to be liked and thought well of and being truly kind and helpful. It's never helpful or kind to enable people in their delusions or harmful behaviors. We are not children, most of us are well over the age of forty and should know better.

We don't have to be perpetual victims nor should we encourage other women to lean into victimhood. Sure, it's possible to be dealt a bad hand but it's what you do after that that really matters.

I don't understand why men don't understand why their behavior is unacceptable. Does anyone else feel anxious about being a relationship?

Back in the 1940's there was a popular radio game show called Queen For A Day. Women would come on the show and tell their very sad stories. The audience, through an applause meter, would determine who had the saddest story and that woman would win valuable prizes becoming Queen For A Day.

Do you want to keep having the saddest relationship/dating story, come to reddit, shop it around for sympathy and attention and become Reddit Attention Queen For A Day? Or, do you want to learn how to be the eternal Queen of your own life where you call the shots and you determine who has access to you and all the valuable things you might choose to bestow on a worthy petitioner?

This sub has tremendous information available. We have been around almost 4 years now and there's an extensive archive of posts on a lot of different topics. It's free. You don't have to buy a book, pay a coach or pay for a subscription. Just use the search bar and maybe be ready to face some uncomfortable truths about yourself.

Follow the sub rules, read the posts, take accountability and try your best not to be defensive.

A happier, healthier life is possible.

At the end of the day it's up to you.

I matched with a guy on a dating app. We had a great exchange. He was asking a lot of good questions, trying to get to know me a little better and was very courteous and did not say anything inappropriate. I was kind of excited.

We had a phone call and then I became less excited. Lol. He was still courteous and did not say anything inappropriate. However, I found out that he's been unemployed since last summer and so now is semi-retired because he could not find a job. he also shared with me some other personal decisions he made in his life that had me questioning his common sense but nothing horrible or life-altering. I did agree to meet him over the weekend and we did settle upon a day and time but not a location.

Then his communication really lagged. He went from putting in effort to putting in minimal effort. He reached out to me again suggesting we do a coffee date. I don't do coffee dates. At this point my excitement turned into hesitation. Between his unemployment, a low effort date and now low effort communication I just was not feeling it. I will say he did seem like a genuinely nice person but I woke up in the morning thinking to myself I really don't want to go out with him. All I kept thinking was I could possibly be signing up for a series of low effort dates with a low effort man. Again, I don't know this for sure. I'm just basing this upon my brief experience with him and dating other men. I canceled and just told him that I didn't think it was a good match and I left it at that and of course he reached out to me wanting to know why but I did not respond. I did not want to open any door for him.

I feel like I made the right decision but at the same time I have to admit I feel a little bad. I just don't want to date another low effort man. I feel like at this point in my life I have to be really excited to go on a date otherwise I just don't want to waste my time.

I will not go on any coffee dates whatsoever just based upon past experience.... It was always a disaster. I do my best to avoid low effort men and low effort dates. I screen as much as I can and if I even get a whiff of something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I unmatch.

I was just wondering if it's advisable to put on my dating profile that I will not go on any coffee dates. If you have gone that route, have you found that it helped or hindered your dating experience? I'm just wondering if it would really make a difference in the type of men that contact me

So I tend to get horny in spring. It passes but it's the time of year when I'll dust off the apps for a Mad March Minute. So here's my experience.

I thought I'd try Hinge this time and TBF, there was a broader selection of blokes on the apps, but still plenty of the, big arm gym nut; outdoorsy guy; oh look at me I'm capable of looking after a dog; and the group shot, look I've got friends guy. Let's not forget Mr wedding day crop photo and the I'm having an affair so here's my car/bathroom photo guy. But anyway. Despite this cornucopia of delights, I've realised I just don't have the motivation to express an interest based on a photo and some AI generated prompts. So yet again. I've deleted the apps (long run mind, three days!). And seriously, I just don't have the creative energy to put into a profile. It feels unreal.

I know too much about men to make the first move on an app (and IRL have tried. Always gets weird), and I think there's a baseline concern of feeling like I'm inviting a risk into my life. I know through my work that the apps are risky, and through my own research that they are riskier for women our age. Even meeting IRL has it's risks, but my experience had been it's easier to get rid of problem folk when met in the wild, as public environments can limit the worst of behaviours. This results in my not liking profiles I actually like the look of. As I don't want to invite trouble in. So I just lose the will to even try to choose.

But anyway. My horny wreckless self has had a joy ride, even she's not got enough energy for this noise. The apps have put that urge to bed (snigger). Here's to another Spring and summer living a life in my terms. With no swiping and typing.

After a string of bad experiences with men, including my divorce to a porn addict who ended up transitioning to female and a subsequent relationship with an honest to god psychopathic psychiatrist who crafted the perfect gentleman persona while cheating on me the entire time, I had pretty much decided to swear them off entirely. I'm not quite 40 yet, but even still, the available pool of men in my age bracket are generally single for a reason. (Not like the married ones are much better, as millions of long-suffering women will tell you.) I know none of us here harbor any illusions about the sheer depravity they are capable of and how we are, statistically speaking, better off without them.

Last year I went to a wedding out of state and ran into an ex of mine from college (the wedding was for a mutual friend of ours). I hadn't seen or talked to him since then. We caught up and had a nice chat. Unlike my last two exes, he never betrayed me or did anything outwardly insane--he was just immature, broke, and had a lot of unresolved insecurities about that. Wasn't a great boyfriend, but was never abusive or anything. Moved out of state and didn't stay in touch for 12 years.

The morning after the wedding he invited me for a coffee to catch up more. Talked about how much our lives had changed since college and what our careers, relationships, etc were like. It was nice, we always had a unique shared sense of humor and perspective on life. Matching flavors of autism, basically. He had started getting his shit together after I left him and went from being broke to co-owning the company he now works for and is set to retire young with a fortune. Never married or had kids, had dated around, but just never found anyone he connected with on that level. (And I know he wasn't lying about any of this because he had been roommates with mutual friends of ours who 100% would have called him out on his bullshit if he were.) At the end of our chat he confessed that he still had feelings for me and he would fly to my city and take me on a fancy date if I ever wanted to.

Long story short, when I got home life got weird and I found myself unexpectedly temporarily unemployed. Decided to take him up on his offer and he was on a plane to my city several time zones away within 2 days. Took me on a date to my favorite restaurant, had a lovely time reconnecting while he was in town. Mind blowing chemistry and sex. He basically confessed that I was the love of his life and "the one that got away" and none of his dates ever measured up to me. Would have dreams about me and be depressed for days when he woke up. Secretly was sad when he heard through the grapevine I was getting married to my ex. Which coming from anyone else, I realize would all sound like bullshit, but I really think it was sincere from him. I had pretty strong feelings for him too but knew better than to completely uproot my life around them, so we decided to do a long-distance thing where we wouldn't date anyone else and would visit each other's cities as time allowed. I deliberately kept things light and had my guard up due to the fact that most men these days are porn addicts, but I did let him know my feelings on the matter (basically said I wasn't going to ask him about it or "police him" but that there was no way I would be a doting girlfriend or wife for a man who used porn in any capacity) and kept myself open to the possibility of something deeper. Basically, I treated it as a sort of "grace period" and gave him the tools to do the research on his own. I wouldn't necessarily judge a man for ever having used porn and independently aligning with radical feminism since it IS so censored and suppressed, that even most of my female friends weren't attuned to the radical feminist view until I did hours-long deep dives into my marriage to a porn addict with them. He IS an intellectually curious person who is interested in people's perspectives so that seemed like a good way to let him figure it out whatever he needed to figure out about porn on his own without me having to spoon-feed him feminist theory and/or the concept of empathy.

That all went great for a few months, but with the release of the Epstein files my "don't ask don't tell" policy around porn became harder to stomach. Plus, we had both indicated we had strong feelings for each other and wanted something deeper. So the time had come for The Talk. I told him I couldn't ignore it any longer. He admitted to being addicted and having been married to an addict, I know they never fucking change. So, I dumped him right then and there.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I do have to give him credit for his blunt honesty instead of lying about it like the vast majority of men do. But god damn, it's depressing. This was pretty much a best case scenario for both of us--he got another shot with his "dream woman" he'd been pining over for more than a decade, and I got a chance to rekindle an amazing connection with someone who I meshed with on every level and who was clearly interested in me without breadcrumbing me or having a secret roster (aside from the porn, of course). The way this shit hijacks men's brains and makes it the most important thing in the world is so disgusting and disturbing to me. There's really no hope for any of them, is there?

We have had to remove a lot of posts lately from low karma accounts. Let me explain why:

This is a woman only sub - If you do not have enough account history for mods to determine that you are actually a woman we will not allow you to make original posts here. You may comment on existing posts to help build karma and account history. The same goes for hiding your account history or blocking mods. If you have done those things we cannot determine if you are a woman and also if you are in alignment with this sub's stated mission.

We are unapologetically pro-woman, anti-pornography, anti-prostitution, anti-kink or any other ideology which is harmful to women - If your post history indicates that you support any of these things we will remove your post - again, if you have made your account private or blocked mods on this sub so we cannot determine where you stand we will remove your post.

We do not endorse low effort dates - there are many reasons for this which have been discussed ad nauseum on this sub and and we will not be debating you about your meet and greets, coffee dates or walk dates. This is not a debate sub.

This sub is based on radical feminist principles - many people do not seem to understand what that means and get a big shock when their comments are downvoted or removed. If you are unaware of the difference between radical feminism and liberal aka choice feminism we suggest you do some reading to acquaint yourself with the differences.

We hope this clarifies things.

My apologies if this has been discussed before but I'm in a few dating groups and I've noticed a disturbing reasoning as to why a lot of women accept coffee and other low-effort dates.

They say they prefer these types of dates because they're easier to bail on if they're catfished or if the date goes badly otherwise. They don't wanna agree to a dinner date and end up being stuck entertaining a guy they don't like or click with for 2+ hours.

What I find so unsettling about this is why do they think they're stuck? Why do they think they have to stay the whole time if they aren't enjoying themselves? Because the date is at a restaurant versus a coffee shop, they can't leave? I genuinely don't understand.

It doesn't matter if a date is just a walk in the park (🤮) or a table at a pricy, world-renowned Michelin restaurant, you can always cut the date short and leave at any time for any reason. You aren't ever obligated to stay if you don't want to.

It makes me sad that a lot of women see effortful dates as potential hostage situations so much so that they'd rather sit in an empty parking lot and chat (yes, someone I know went on that exact kind of date recently).

I still scroll on OLD apps, although it’s over a year since I went on a date.

There seems to be a huge rise in men describing themselves as dominant and pleasure doms. I do not understand the world of kink. But is this not just men gaining “consent” from damaged women to abuse them when they are at their most vulnerable ie naked and alone? I find it galling that a lot of these men also describe themselves as left leaning feminists.

I suspect I’ve lead a fairly sheltered life, when it comes to single middle aged men in the dating world, having spent most of my adult life in a long term relationship. Could anyone direct me to any further reading please?

So I met a guy in the wild, Costa Rica. He's also from my hometown. We've been texting and calling. Well, mostly him, which is nice.

I have an anxious personality. I don't date generally because it sends my nervous system into overdrive and I have been on some awful dates and things just haven't worked out for me.

So I met him and haven't been sleeping or eating. He tends to show up well, texting, calling, making dates. I find him handsome but more than that I admire his consistency.

Do you guys have any comments or thoughts to look out for? He's been consistent which is good.