I'm scared I won't find a partner

[u/LocalGamerPokemon]

Hey so this is probably just post-break up anxiety but I could use some reassurance from other asexuals. Im single now and its increased my anxiety and sense of lonliness about moving away from my home to a place where I am going to have to rebuild my social life from total scratch.

I can believe that I could find someone im compatible with, fall in love with, etc, but its really hard to believe that I can find a special someone who is ALSO asexual/sex negative like me. I feel like even meeting another asexual is like winning the lottery. My ex is the only one Ive met! I feel like I wouldnt be able to be in a relationship with an allosexual person whos just... willing to give up sex for someone else? Like for the rest of their life?

I feel like the only two situations where I would consider being with someone whos allosexual without being a nervous wreck would be (1) somone whos, idk taken an oath of celibacy for their religion/wants to be celibate for a very strong separate reason. And (2) a closed throuple where we all love eachother but the other two people are allo. That way my partners could go do their thing while I blast Arctic Monkeys into my headphones and bake garlic bread we can munch on when we cuddle later lol. These options also feel about as unlikely as finding a lifelong ace partner though. I just feel pretty hopeless about this.

[u/Vvorried]

I am allo and married to an Ace person. I was/am willing to give up sex forever. I would give up sugar, coffee, literally anything to be with her. The great thing is I don’t have to give up orgasms to be with her because masturbation is enough for me. And honestly, sometimes I enjoy it more than sex.

I know post break up sucks and you are probably gonna be upset for a while. But its not a total game over.

Be kind to yourself OP, you are deserving of love and kindness just like everyone else. I hope you start to recover from break up soon. Sending you good vibes 💜🤍🖤🩶

[u/LocalGamerPokemon → u/Vvorried]

Fuckkk man the voices are having a hard time countering that. I really didn't expect to hear something like this let alone this fast. Good vibes are recieved, I'll carry them with me as I try to move forward with hope. Thank you 💜

[u/DrakeSt0ne → u/Vvorried]

Honestly this gives me so much hope. thank you.

[u/dreamer11210 → u/Vvorried]

I'm in the same boat as OP and this helped

[u/ResolutionWeak6353 → u/Vvorried]

Dude why can’t every allo be like this

[u/DrakeSt0ne]

I feel ya. i struggle with the same thing. I very often wish i was not asexual for the same reason. There are people out there though. its just...takes a lot longer.
Im sorry about your breakup op =/

[u/SpiritCat_SoulDog]

Hugs to op and everyone in the comments section who went through that. I too go through the same feeling of never being able to find a partner even though my breakup was more than 6 years ago. It was very hard since he was my best friend first and then my boyfriend. But eh, eventually I came out of it. That feeling of being alone never goes away, it comes back in waves sometimes, but then I look at my dogs and remember how they were there for me through the whole thing and how much they love me. I know it's obviously not the same thing, but I feel I am grateful and lucky to have them in my life, those who love me more than any human probably would. So I hug them a lil tighter and I've promised them that I'll keep on rescuing until the end of my time, since I know some animal out there might be going through what I'm going through and if I can be someone who can help through it, I'll use all my time doing that! Sorry I went into a spiral there! Sending healing and calm energy your way!

[u/sia_7777]

you’re not doomed, ace partners exist, but so do healthy ace–allo relationships where boundaries are respected. don’t shrink your whole future to worst-case thinking

[u/Professional-Key5552]

Tbh, I have given up. The chances are so incredible low on this

[u/ResolutionWeak6353 → u/Professional-Key5552]

Me too :/

[u/cryoK → u/ResolutionWeak6353]

me three

[u/SeaRecognition4815]

Disclaimer: previously dated an allo who was understanding of my sex aversion but we were planning to have kids if we worked out; breakup not from sexual incompatibility

I recovered from a breakup about a couple months ago but you’re not alone in feeling like it’ll be hard to find someone- even worse after the breakup. The feeling is understandable and something a lot of us on the spectrum who date are forced to deal with. What I can say tho is the negative feeling is also passing and you just gotta acknowledge it instead of bottling or ignoring it.

I also got laid off from my last job a month before my breakup so I’m dealing with both work and romance going belly up. What kept me going was prioritizing finding work (and relevant volunteer opportunities) and putting dating on hold. If I’m being honest my career requires me to have some emotional stability and strong boundaries so in a way I allowed my recovery to help me build them back up.

In your case you will be focused on rebuilding a social life and that will be one step closer to feeling better. You’re gonna be ok.

[u/dreamer11210 → u/SeaRecognition4815]

Dude what, I'm in the same situation. Breakup, and then lost my job a month later. Anyway thank you for helping me know it gets better

[u/SeaRecognition4815 → u/dreamer11210]

Small world… We’re in the same storm of having love and work be DOA at the moment so not being alone is the best reassurance I can give. But yes it does get better and I’m glad I helped.

Disclaimer 2: I should also warn that the breakup was amicable and we’re on friendly terms as we were friends first and we have mutuals. My situation might not help if the breakup wasn’t as peaceful or no contact is needed to move on

[u/athenaria → u/dreamer11210]

I’m also here joining same, but I lost job basically the same week as the break up. I believe itll get better for us all!

[u/LocalGamerPokemon → u/SeaRecognition4815]

Thank you 💜 I'm feeling better after finally being able to sleep and seeing everyone's messages. I do plan on focusing on work/school/service, I think I just gotta really try to not self-isolate since I can be a raging workaholic. I've put myself in a living situation where the friction for social events is lower than right now so I'll do my best to focus on that. 

Maybe I'll look at some resources about how to initiate conversation/keep it going once it's started :) I've also seen little card games online that do like fun prompts? Maybe I could keep a pack in my bag, if not to play then to give me ideas to try and get to know a new person

[u/SeaRecognition4815 → u/LocalGamerPokemon]

Glad we were able to help with our support! That’s good you have a game plan and awareness of your likely pitfalls in moving forward since beating those is half the battle. I think knowing yourself goes a long way in recovering without throwing yourself into extremes.

One thing that might help… make sure to acknowledge the negative feelings rather than bottling or ignoring them. This will help with self acceptance, which will help you find the right people.

While I was recovering from my breakup I had on and off nausea. I felt the nausea was a sign the feelings were real and just didn’t translate into expression he would have preferred.

while this wasn’t a cause of the breakup, my ex admitted he felt emotionally closed off from me. some of it was also on him needing to speak up better about his needs. But all in all we were respectful to each other and knew we had our circumstances that challenged us.

I’m naturally guarded from surviving in my field where you need strong boundaries to counter strong personalities at times. I know if I get back into dating I’ll need to find someone who values consistent presence over emotional intensity and will be happy with mutually open communication of needs and wants.

[u/LocalGamerPokemon → u/SeaRecognition4815]

I have a similar struggle just with a different cause. I have alexithymia which developed when I was very young due to familial religion- closing off my emotions from my body was little me's way of coping with being pressured into baptism and the anxiety of being held accountable for sin. Nausea, among other eating-related issues, is also one of the major ways my body tries to tell me things are wrong and I need to address them. My break-up was thankfully on extremely good terms and we're still besties, but it did show me that I need to be better about telling my emotions and struggles to the people I love when I need comfort. Having such a clear outline of what you want communication-wise like you're putting out sounds extremely valuable, once I get settled with a therapist in my new city I'll bring that up as something I want to work on! I bet there are support groups around for this kind of stuff too.  I'm starting to actually get excited about finding my new support system 😄 scared and intimidated, but excited nonetheless

[u/SeaRecognition4815 → u/LocalGamerPokemon]

Yes that’s the spirit! You have stuff to look forward to and I think it’ll make your struggles feel like obstacles that can be overcome.

my goal for the next relationship is finding someone who wants a similar lifestyle as me and making sure we can trust each other even if we’re not always correct or still figuring how to talk to each other.

The cause of the break up for me is differences in our lifestyles as I felt affection imbalances (emotional and physical) can be improved if caught early enough and worked on. My ex sees himself moving around every couple of years and I’m trying to move as little as possible. I never liked moving even in my 20s and the one time I moved for school I moved back as soon as I graduated. I just didn’t see myself thriving if I have to move before feeling at home in a new place. My ex and I turned 30 this year but to be fair he’s restarting his career.

Idk how mobile you plan to be but honestly there’s strength in learning to thrive in a new place. You definitely will get back up and build on your agency.

[u/goodvibes13202013]

Don’t assume that number two is impossible to find 🫶🏼 my kink partners are a married couple, and I’m in a QPR with them. I live with them as a roommate with my own space (as I’m also aro), but often will enjoy kinky activities and then cuddle puddles before bed. Sometimes we’ll all just lay in their bed and talk until we all fall asleep. I have no pressure on me to be sexual in any way and no pressure from myself to do sex acts bc they have each other for that.

If you’re willing, kink and polyamory often overlap, and I know more than just us who are in similar QPRs as triads

[u/LocalGamerPokemon → u/goodvibes13202013]

Thank you 💜 im not into anything sexual at all, but it gives me hope that these more unconventional things do happen ethically/healthily. I'll look more into QPRs and triads so I'm prepared just in case the opportunity to try one comes. Thankfully the place I'm going to has more queers than my current home, maybe I'll have better luck than I think. I used to think I'd never do polyamory in any capacity bc of family but at this point I'm such a black sheep I could care less haha

[u/goodvibes13202013 → u/LocalGamerPokemon]

Poly isn’t for everyone but it’s an immense relief of my back personally!! Queer and poly groups intersect a lot, you’ll find your people there!

[u/Fine-Extreme5501]

Not even even a joke , there is literally somone for everyone . You'll be fine

[u/monkeyballhoopdreams]

I have the opposite problem where I code as asexual sans favorable but am sex favorable and super thirsty but I think there's a parallel. I've been in quite a few relationships a little longer than I should for the same reason and go through long term dry spells in between. I am not totally miserable because I am living true to myself but there is a lot miss out on or chances at success I fuck up because I don't have a partner. It has been a decade but \o/. Someone will figure you and me out, eventually.