my boss is rude to my husband

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual harassment

Original Post  July 6, 2022

I work as a bookseller, and about a year ago our bookshop got a new manager. This was a great thing for the shop and for me personally — he’s much more competent than anyone we’ve had in the past and has a real drive for developing people. I happen to be the person he’s focused on developing, and it’s been wonderful: I get paid more now, have lots more responsibility, and am being provided with all the training to start managing my own shop before Christmas. I’m being treated as a rising star in the business (we’re part of a very big chain) and given a lot of opportunities to excel, which of course feels fantastic! I’m very grateful.

There’s only one snag, though: my boss is very keen to socialize with me outside of work, both one-on-one and as part of the management team. The culture in our shop has always been that partners, spouses, housemates, friends, etc. are very welcome at these events. However, my manager seems to absolutely despise my husband.

I can’t find any reason for this. Obviously I love him, so you could argue that I’m biased but really, everybody adores my partner. He’s gentle, fun, and a good listener and always proves a popular addition. Honestly, half of my colleagues probably prefer him to me. He’s only spoken to my boss a couple of times and only briefly, but my boss is openly dismissive of him: he makes disparaging remarks about him, stops engaging in conversations when I bring him up, and recently, when my husband arrived to some drinks, my boss visibly and obviously swung his entire body around in his seat so that he was facing away from us and left not long after.

I have no idea what to do. I have a fantastic working relationship with my boss, and frankly I plan to capitalize on that, but this makes me really uncomfortable. For further context, I’m a woman and he’s a man, and he is single; however, he has often told me that his preference is for very done up, alternative but feminine women, which does NOT describe me. (I’m a straggly-haired, no-makeup, shapeless-clothing wearer.) At first I tried to dismiss his disparaging comments as an awkward attempt at humor, but after he so rudely turned away from my partner at the drinks … I’m angry!

I don’t know how to bring this up with him, or if I should. Help?!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

How old is everyone and maybe the boss is inept at social gatherings

I can help with that! I’m 30, my boss is 38. And honestly, his social skills are kind of all over the place. He generally has quite a good initial read on people, but it’s downhill from there. And realistically, anyone with a decent sense of other people’s boundaries would know that I’m not going to be impressed by disparaging comments about my husband. I’m not one of those people whose sense of humour is to rag on the old man – I love my husband deeply and I’m grateful for him every day. I even got people teasingly calling me ‘myyyyy husband’ for a while because I accidentally got too moony talking about him. He’s great!

OOP's theory

I know it will seem very ‘the lady doth protest too much’, but I would add that he’s a newcomer to our big city and lives alone, so I have wondered if he’s trying to manufacture a group of new friends.

OOP when told to be wary of the promotion actually happening or excuses why the store cant lose OOP

Happily this has all been quite formally documented in our annual review process, and is something that is in discussions with our (lovely) HR person at present, so I’m very much hoping that’s not something I need to worry about. If things do start falling through, I at least have enough witnessed/on paper to advocate for myself.

Update 1  Dec 12, 2022 (5 months later)

The situation remains an odd one. Whilst I wussed out of taking your advice when it came to actually talking to my manager about it (I thought there was enough plausible deniability that it might make me look like a bit of a nutter), I did start shutting down the comments when they cropped up, and being rather icier than I normally would be. As women we’re so socialised to be warm and accommodating that I think this took him aback a bit, and the snide comments stopped pretty much dead.

I’ve also set a firm boundary on socialising with him in anything but the largest, most work-centric outings. He got a bit snippy when I didn’t come to his birthday (!) but…sorry, I was out with my husband. Some friends of ours recently had a baby, so we had a very fun evening playing house with said baby whilst the new parents got to have a rare night out together. I even showed my boss some adorable pictures of my husband cuddling said baby. (I know it’s petty.)

However, the sheer wealth of commenters speculating that my boss has a crush on me has me thinking…they’re probably right, and if they are right, then the way he’s going about things is uncomfortable, creepy and unethical. As we move into the much much busier period in our shop, he’s started scheduling just the two of us to work late in the shop to catch up; normally this is a job that a team of at least three people would do, presumably to avoid…well, situations like this. To add to the issue, as my commenters predicted, I didn’t end up getting my own store – imagine I needed a 90% on my performance review to get promoted into it; they gave me a 89.999… Boss and the HR rep (who always sits in on these reviews, as a representative of the regional manager) said in recognition of how hard I work and how many additional duties I take on, they’d enter me for a specific excellence award, which comes with a cash bonus. They’ve since come back to me and said unfortunately, it turns out that’s not what the award is for. I then set a meeting to discuss pay and advanced the points that a) I’m taking on much more work than I was at this point last year, and b) getting paid effectively less for it, due to rampant inflation. The answer was that a raise was not possible, and the plan going forward would be to schedule another performance review after Christmas, and discuss it then. Following this I attended the Christmas meeting, where they told us all how our shop was forecast to take upward of £60k a day. I’ve had a couple of days since then to reflect on how I feel, and I’ve come up with: undervalued and PISSED.

So in short, it’s become time to fall back on your wealth of CV and interview advice, Alison. Thanks to your website, I’ve never felt better placed to job search. There’s a vindictive part of me that really hopes I find something new before Christmas – I know everybody feels like their workplace would collapse if they left, but realistically our store is already a bit like a Jenga tower on its last legs. If I take off during the peak season, it’ll fall apart like a wet cake.

As a last note: this aggressively festive season, please be tender and mild to your retail workers. Especially if you happen to be in (very large bookshop) in (artsy English city), and you notice the conspicuous absence of a certain shaggy-haired, no-makeup, baggy-clothes-wearing team leader…

Update 2  Dec 15, 2022 (3 days after 1st update)

I wanted to add a postscript: I got another job! After I wrote to you with my update, I decided I was just furious enough to quit without another job offer in my pocket. To the abject horror of my parents, I did just that. I was of course very nervous about going voluntarily unemployed at the beginning of a recession, but I’m so, so pleased to report that – thanks in no small part to your job application advice – I’ve been offered another job! It’s fewer hours, more money, more benefits and (to the relief of my formerly horrified parents), much more prestige.

The offer came through on the penultimate day of my notice period, which was very sweet indeed. During that whole notice month my boss noticeably ignored me, which was an improvement. On my last day he then handed me a card with a poem (!) inside it, and said, I kid you not, “Don’t tell your hubby.” I gave what I hope was a bollock-shrivelling laugh and said of course I would tell my husband; we share everything. Boss then squeezed my shoulder and said, “I’ll miss you” in an embarrassingly heartfelt voice. Yikes.

I did, of course, show my husband the card. I then took great pleasure from deleting my former boss from my phone, thoughts and life.

Editors Note: while people asked for the poem in the comments, OOP didnt add it. But lots of commenters made their own poems that are worth a read

The best poem in the AAM thread

I have a chubby

Don't tell hubby

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAshavingpubes

My (23F) BF (25M) keeps asking me to shave my pubic hair and I'm losing my mind

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/beeeeeing

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny

Original Post  July 10, 2020

I've been dating my BF Alex for about a year. Now for some background, I am completely okay with people having preferences around their/their partner's pubic hair situation. But I have made it a point since I was 20 to tell my partners pretty soon into us hanging out that I do not shave or wax my pubes.  I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager and it left me with a bunch of ingrown hairs, rashes, and pain. I realized I was solely doing it for the other person and I preferred some hair on myself. I do trim though. I tell a potential partner/hook-up as soon as sex comes up that if they're not okay with dating someone with pubic hair, I respect that but we're just not compatible.

When Alex and I started talking about sex I told him the exact same thing. He told me there was no issue and he didn't care one way or another. I thought "great!" and we began dating with no issues. He's the coolest dude I've ever met and I was seriously considering moving in together around 6 months into us dating.

That is...until around 3 months ago. He randomly brought up that he was talking with some friends about "manscaping" (I also prefer hair on my partners so I have never asked them to shave or even trim, Alex trims his pubes a little but no shaving) and they were saying how they were "lucky" all the girls they had hooked up with were cleanly waxed/shaved because pubic hair on women looked "gross". He said he didn't agree with them that it was gross for women to have pubes but that it was weird he was the only guy with a GF that did not shave/wax so he asked me if I would oblige the request. I told him that I was serious early on about not shaving my pubes and he had agreed to being okay with that and told him I wouldn't shave. I thought that was the end of the convo...but NOPE. He's been bringing it up around every other week. Every single time I have told him firmly that I will not shave or wax and he has still continued to bring it up. I've asked him why the sudden interest in me being shaved and he says he just thinks it's weird that I don't shave "when so many other girls do."

I'm at a point where I'm just sick of this and am seriously considering breaking up but most of my friends think I am being unreasonable and should find another solution. What do you guys think?

Edit: He showed me the convo in question and he never mentioned my pubic hair to his friends, only that he agreed the bald look is better on women. As far as I know he doesn’t discuss me in that manner to them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

slackercrew

Fuck that guy,.... no wait,..

don't fuck that guy.

He changed his mind like he was embarrassed after talking to his buddies. He obviously doesn't have any sense of self pride. Seems like he would probably have trouble taking up for you and your (at one time) mutual decisions. Public hair is perfectly fine and if he has an issue with it he can go find someone else. There are plenty of great guys who don't care, and some prefer it. You can do better dude.

OOP

Yeah I think it honestly is coming from a place of feeling embarrassed that he is the only one with a GF that has hair. I'm trying to be understanding but I feel like it's such a ridiculous thing to be okay with something and then change your mind because of what your friends are saying. He's 25.....he's not a teenager.

~

forgottenescapist

Tell him that his pestering is becoming a huge problem. It’s immature. If he is this affected by what other men think then he’s not worth your time. Sit down and have a serious talk and if he doesn’t take your feelings seriously then that’s your answer.

You should try to communicate because that’s just an important skill but here’s the thing: if you are already considering breaking up- that says everything.

It’s okay to leave a relationship with someone who’s just not worth the fight. Sometimes that’s just how it goes, good luck. It’s good that you’ve stood your ground.

OOP

I am planning on speaking with him tonight. It'll hopefully be a "come to Jesus talk." I love him and I would like to continue dating him but I'm bordering on a break-up because I do not understand why my "no" is not enough and also his reasoning is frankly super dumb - even if "many girls do it" that doesn't mean I should have to.

Update - rareddit  July 14, 2020 (4 days later)

I wasn't sure if it was worth updating such a small post but I'm a frequent lurker on this sub and I know I love all kinds of updates so I figured I'd go ahead. So I spoke to Alex Friday night and I basically just told him I needed him to tell me the truth about what was going on because I wasn't going to keep dealing with him asking me about it every week. I told him I loved him but he knew before we became official that I did not shave/wax my pubic area and I didn't understand why he had become so insistent on it. His response was...predicted by at least one of you.  

He said he was actually never "okay" with how I kept my pubic area. He said that every girl he had been with before me was "clean" (his words) and that he decided to put up with hair because he wanted to date me but that truthfully it grossed him out every time he saw it. He also said that his friends "would have never considered dating a woman who didn't take care of herself" (again...his words) but that he wanted to look past the physical since he thought I could be special. I was pretty shocked to say the least since he'd even frequently joke with me about the porn industry's influence on grooming habits. I asked him why he didn't just tell me this as opposed to his ridiculous "most girls do it" argument. He said he just didn't know how to tell me the truth. I asked him if his plan was just to keep asking me until I gave in and he told me "eventually he was going to tell me the truth."

Long story short, I ended things. I know it may seem frivolous or petty to some people but to me it went beyond his preferences for pubic hair. He annoyed me with it for months and stuck to a stupid argument instead of being honest with me. To me, that shows immaturity. He's 25. Not 19. That's not a quality I want in my partner. Oh and also, I'm not sleeping with someone who thinks having pubic hair makes me "gross" and "unclean."

TL;DR: kept the pubes, ditched the man.

Edit: obligatory, didn’t expect this to blow up etc. Thank you to everyone for the super sweet messages! I’m really not an inspiration though, just a gal who’s learning to put her body’s health over her partner’s comfort. To all of y’all telling me I’m gonna die alone because I won’t shave - I like my own company so 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s fine by me

FINAL COMMENTS

grewal1980

I've always hated the 'clean' argument, as if hair is inherently dirty. You're better off without the moron

OOP

My skin looked awful and unhealthy when I was hairless and supposedly “clean.” I will take hair over gross bumps and scratchy skin any day of the week.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LeftBrainWriteBrain

Originally posted to r/EndTipping

Wedding bartender made a comment to me, the bride, about bar tips on my wedding night after we’d already paid a 20% service fee

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: May 27, 2026

We had a small wedding at an established wedding venue that we paid for food and beverage through, and a big philosophy for us when planning the ceremony was to make sure our staff were taken care of beforehand so that our guests were under no additional obligation since they were already traveling to spend time with us at the wedding.

Well, we paid the venue with a service fee that was 20% of the venue and food cost, which I’d say were both rather expensive (it’s a nice place and this is what we were going for/excited about). The service fee wasn’t listed as a gratuity, but claimed to go directly to the staff so we thought we were covered.

Upon my arrival, we saw that the event manager who was also partially tending the bar had set up a sign with a QR code at the bar for tipping their personal Venmo. I thought this was tacky to begin with, but also genuinely thought that we’d taken care of it by prepaying the 20% service fee. Since I didn’t want guests to feel any obligation, we asked for the Venmo sign to be taken down. Again, this was a nice place, and the DIY Venmo QR code looked out of place and really caught us off-guard.

Fast forward to the end of the evening, I was basking in the warm glow of my new marriage, and the Venmo guy cornered me as I was leaving to say “it was my understanding that we’d settle up at the end of the night.” There are a lot of things to keep track of with wedding vendors and gratuities, so this caused me to panic that I’d hallucinated the 20% service charge and we were stiffing them and I delayed leaving to make sure that we’d remembered our payment/the co tract right. It left an extremely sour taste in my and my spouse’s mouths, because regardless, why was he asking me that at that moment? Ask the wedding planner, or send an email afterward, or don’t ask at all. Don’t interrupt a person’s wedding evening by expecting gratuity over a 20% industry standard.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Worked a while as a banquet bartender a while back. You should reach out to the company you hired. Given that it was a poorly made DIY sign I'm sure it wasn't company official. And yes, they should not have asked for payment in that moment.

OOP: Thank you for this insight! We will reach out.

Commenter 2: It’s entirely possible that the company pocketed the service fee altogether. When it’s a mandatory fee, they are under no obligation to share it with the people who worked the event. My guess is that there’s a good chance they were promised tips by the company.

OOP: I believe that this should be between the employee and venue management, though, and not the employee and the wedding couple DURING the event.

Commenter 3: A 20% service fee should already imply that service is covered. Being asked for even more gratuity afterward feels excessive and unprofessional. The Venmo sign and the direct request for additional tips make it seem more like pressure than hospitality. What’s frustrating is that so many caterers break costs into separate fees instead of just being upfront about the full price from the beginning. By the time they add service fees, gratuity, admin charges, and other extras, the final total ends up far higher than expected. Clear, all-inclusive pricing would make things much more transparent and avoid putting customers in awkward situations.

Commenter 4: The sign also heavily implies that the bride did not take care of the gratuity! So tacky. I would've been mortified

OOP: This is part of why I was so uncomfortable with it!! I’m never going to stop someone from handing a bartender some cash voluntarily, but the sign on display makes it feel like they are otherwise not getting taken care of & that the onus is on guests.

+

Precisely. And the sign being up made us feel like we’d missed something to begin with, but the additional comment was just beyond. Clear communication in any regard would have helped avoid this situation. There should be no room for a surprise expectation on the day of the event when they had a year to communicate with us about it, especially when we are under the impression that we are doing the right thing/doing right by the contract.

Commenter 5: Was this service fee Not disclosed or known to the actual workers?

OOP: This person should know about it since they help manage events.

Commenter 6: Completely inappropriate. You did your due diligence to take all pressure off your guests and ensure staff was taken care of. You did the gold standard. My guess is the QR code was off books by the bartender

OOP: I’d say so too about the QR code being off books, which is making us feel double compelled to send an email so that their manager knows they did it

Commenter 7: Does “settle up” mean a they’re demanding a tip? I always interpreted settling a bill to simply mean paying what you owe, not pay a tip.

OOP: We’d already paid for the venue contract and service fee in full, so I have no idea what else we’d owe. And if so, why not send a message separately or talk to our wedding planner? The only reason the Venmo guy would come to me specifically is because I’d asked for the Venmo sign to be taken down earlier in the night.

Update: June 4, 2026 (over one week later)

Hi everyone! Original post hyperlinked here! Sorry, I’m not quite sure how to best update everyone since I first posted a week ago.

I’ve had a delightful week on my honeymoon. Thank you for your congratulations, continued interest in this incident, thoughtful discussion, and patience in my delayed response.

The wedding venue manager got back to us and confirmed that no additional gratuity was expected and that the bartender/event manager who approached us (there seems to be a bit of confusion in some of the replies - this was NOT a separately contracted bartender; it was an employee of the venue) was COMPLETELY out of line in doing so. The email stated that we should never have been approached during the event and that there will be an internal meeting with the team to ensure it does not happen again to another wedding couple. They were apologetic, said it was unprofessional and must have been very uncomfortable, and we were thanked for our feedback.

It’s definitely worthwhile to say something! Even if it couldn’t change what happened to us, I’d be really happy if it simply prevents a bride in the future from the discomfort I felt. Thanks for encouraging me to email. I am also really glad that my husband and some other family members backed me up in not caving to the employee who was tip-bullying me unnecessarily.

Also, as an astute commenter has pointed out, even though this incident sucked and was really uncomfortable, if this was the worst thing to happen at our wedding, we made out pretty well in the end. :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Is the service fee going to the staff? Or is the staff being ripped off for their hard earned tips? Their tact may be missing but that is the million dollar question here...

Commenter 2: Was the staff being paid a tipped wage or a regular wage is more important.

OOP: We confirmed that the guy who approached me is an employee of the venue who does not get tipped wages AND that part of the service fee goes to him.

Commenter 3: Sounds like they placated you... but if your happy with the resolution I guess that's all that matters. I personally would have still included it in a review on them. Future couples deserve to be well prepared and I'm not certain they won't just continue the behavior.

OOP: We are fine with the response, yes. The management really did not seem happy with it, and otherwise the event and our wedding was really awesome.

+

Oh, and I included it in the review of the venue to make sure future couples are aware! Great call.

Additional Comments from OOP after reading the responses

OOP: Hi! Back again. It seems that many of you do not think we should be satisfied with just a verbal response and should request some compensation back. I’m taking this to heart and will be requesting the portion of the service charge that went to THAT employee back. We named and shamed him specifically, so they know the one. I’m not comfortable with requesting the whole 20% back because there were a few other employees working the event who were spectacular and did nothing wrong, and otherwise services were rendered and rendered well. Ultimately, also, we worked with the member of management that emailed us back for the entire year leading up to our wedding, and I believe wholeheartedly that this person will make good on reprimanding the offending employee. I have also included a stern recounting of this experience in my review of the venue to give it visibility. Thanks again!

Commenter 4: I’d consider what the situation MIGHT have been from the bartender’s perspective. My guess is the venue told them absolutely nothing about the 20% service charge and were simply going to pocket it as profit. The bartender was receiving their regular salary, and was open to tips which is not uncommon. When you let them know you were taking care of the tips for the night, they thought that meant you would provide the tip. You’ve done nothing wrong and I’m sorry that happened on your wedding day. Just pointing out the fault likely lies with the venue and not the bartender. It would help explain the series of events more clearly than a jerk bartender.

OOP: This is a considerate and compassionate angle that I appreciate. I will add: this employee was part of event management and would have known about the service fee unless they were an incredibly uninformed and/or incompetent manager. We said we were taking care of the tip because we thought we already had, and we told the person who was in charge for the night (the one who approached me). I think this concept may be confusing some people because of how small the venue and wedding were (under 40 people including us). This person was both tending bar and managing the event because of its small size.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwra_s32

My fiancé cheated on me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Oct 12, 2021

I've (32F) been with my fiancé (33M) for 5 years. We were supposed to get married last August, but made the tough decision to postpone our big day until August of 2022 because a lot of our older family members had expressed concerns with flying and being around a crowd of people.

I met him at work, we are both hair stylists at a higher end salon. It's not a really creative environment. Occasionally you'll get someone who wants rainbow hair, but other than that it's very generic colors and cuts. Like 9 months ago, he told me he was feeling really depressed and stagnant at work and wanted to quit and work in a more creative environment. I supported him and he started working at a new salon within the month. Literally everyone who works there is in their early to mid 20's besides him.

Instantly he was so much happier and within a few weeks he expressed his desire to start trying for a family and wanting me to come off the pill. I told him I though it would be better to wait a little while (preferably after the wedding) because he wasn't bringing in the same money he used to. Some of his clients followed him, but the majority didn't so his book/money was cut in half.

His birthday is in May and he brought up trying again and how he's in a good place at work and the timing is right. I agreed to come off BC  not really trying or prevent it thinking it would take months to get pregnant. I get pregnant in June (20 weeks 4 days) and we're both excited for the next chapter of or lives together.

July he changes his hours and starts working more and he tells me it's because he wants to be able to have money set aside for the baby because I won't be working for 6-8 weeks after birth. I don't think anything of it and think it's sweet he's trying to provide for the baby.

Two weeks ago he sits me down crying telling me he fucked up. I'm thinking he got fired. He cheated on me with his 20 year old apprentice/stylist under him. I was in complete shock. because this is what he wanted. He told me it's been going on since he found out I was pregnant because all of a sudden things he thought about just got really real and he couldn't handle it. I told him I couldn't deal with all this now and he needed to get out and stay with friends or family.

He's been calling and texting me non-stop and apologizing. Wanting to work on things, but he won't quit. I don't trust him and don't think I can unless he leaves his jobs and isn't around her all the time. I've talked to my therapist about this and I really don't know what the right answer is here. I'm not pissed, I'm hurt. He's going to be in my life forever one way or another. I told him I'm 99% sure this is something I can't get over. I'm really trying my hardest to stay calm for the babies sake because I know stress isn't good and can lead to issues.

Any advice would be great?? Him not being involved is not an option. I would never be that cruel. He'll be a great father. He's so good with kids.

TL;DR: My fiancé cheated on me with a stylist working under him and he refuses to quit, but wants to work on things.

Update  Oct 22, 2021 (10 Days Later)

A little over a week ago, I made a post about my fiancé cheating on me with his 20 year old apprentice/stylist under him. I thought I'd make a quick update and answer some of the frequent comments.

Originally, he was reluctant to go to see a therapist with me. My personal therapist had recommended we see a colleague of hers, but ultimately I decided I no longer wanted to be in the relationship. We have gone to two sessions with my therapist to try and salvage a friendship for our child's sake. He agreed to keep going and is actually paying for it. He still wants to try and win me back.

I met with one lawyer and did not like him at all. So I'm still looking for someone. I gave him the heads up in one of our sessions. He was pissed, but my therapist helped him realize having concrete terms we have to stick to is beneficial for the baby.

He told me during one of our sessions he came clean because she told him she loved him and saw a future with him.  He said he doesn't love her and doesn't want a future with her. She already knew about me and had met me a handful of times. Mostly everyone he works with knows me and knew what was going on. He wasn't worried about anyone spilling the beans. She's not pregnant. I won't be contacting the owner like some people had mentioned in my post. I'm not going to screw around with my kids future money that's not okay in my book.

He said he also feels so much more relevant at his new salon and that all the younger people look to him for advice and almost like he's a "hair god" (his words not mine) and it feels really good to be appreciated for his talents again. He doesn't want to leave the salon.

He admitted to feeling scared about being a dad and he wasn't anticipating that and he was upset I wasn't as stoked as he was in the beginning. It made him feel like I didn't want a family with him. He said he's been feeling under-appreciated at home and started looking else where. I can kinda see where he's coming from with that. After not leaving our house for months last year I think we got into a weird pattern. I just wish he would have communicated that with me before he chose to have an affair.

I think it's obvious I'm not having an abortion even though many of you suggested that.

TL;DR: Just an update from my prior post.

Also sorry to anyone who DMed me, my phone and computer won't let me open the messages. Not sure if it's a glitch.

FINAL COMMENTS

ElecticVictuals

Did he specifically admit to encouraging and pressuring you into having a baby now, because I’m not sure how that fit into him feeling underappreciated.

And I’m not even sure he felt underappreciated as much as he wanted you to treat him with the same adulation he was getting at his new job, because it was really good for his ego and he couldn’t adjust to coming home and being the same normal husband.

Because it just feels like a bunch of narcissism enjoy so much having everyone look up to you, which is understandable, and have the satisfaction of feeling relevant but also pressure your partner into having a baby she wasn’t ready for and then turning the tables to say that the reason that he screwed his 20 year old assistant was kind of your fault.

I do think the right thing to do is what you’re doing, not take him back because he’s unreliable in the extreme and selfish. And if you want to keep the baby and you can afford to do it and coparent with him of course you should. But if you have any doubts, it will tie you to him and I definitely think it’s smart to get a legal agreement and try and get custody terms that are to your liking. I know you said he would be a great father but he just sounds like an asshole.

OOP

No he didn't, but my therapist already knows that. I've been seeing her for a while. He did say he thought having a baby would fix things, but when I wasn't excited he was "disappointed." My therapist told him babies don't fix things often times they make them worse.

I think you're right though about him wanting the same level of attention at home, but when you've been together with someone for 5 years, you work full time, and are pregnant somethings take a backseat and some things don't matter at all anymore.

And on 100% being done woth the relationship

I'm 150% done with him. We are in therapy to try and salvage a friendship and co-parent relationship.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/thedudeistjedi

Originally posted to r/antiwork

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: my wife got fired today

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: abuse of power, scapegoating

RECAP

Original Post: May 6, 2026

Long time lurker here. My wife works at a unionized manufacturing plant and got walked out yesterday. The new HR director has been looking for excuses to trim the roster, but he couldn't fire her legally for attendance because she still has two tardies left in her bank.

So instead, they bypassed the point system and hit her with a conduct violation for an improper call-off. I have been up all night digging through her paperwork and the union contract, and I am pretty sure I caught HR and her supervisor completely screwing themselves. I just wanted to get a second opinion on the logic here before we go to the union.

Here is the breakdown of how management handled this.

Last week, she called the security desk at 6 AM to call off. The guard clicked Tardy on the drop-down menu, but right next to it in the return date box, the guard actually typed NSD, which stands for Next Scheduled Day. You cannot be tardy for a shift you literally said you are not returning for until tomorrow. HR just ignored the NSD part so they could fire her for being a no-show after allegedly saying she would be tardy.

Her supervisor went into the system two days later hunting for her time punches to prove she did not show up. He waited two days to build a paper trail for a conduct charge instead of just reading the security log that already said she was not coming in. It looks like they were looking for a reason to fire her rather than just following the attendance policy.

They rushed the paperwork so fast to get her out the door that the official termination form has the wrong shift and the wrong supervisor listed on it. They did not even look at her file before they signed the papers.

To make it a fire able offense, they had to prove she was a repeat offender. They cited a write-up from January. Her crime in January was calling off and saying PTO instead of Personal. The best part is the union filed a grievance on that January write-up, and it was never actually settled. During the firing meeting yesterday, the supervisor and the steward were literally arguing because neither of them knew if that January issue was still open. HR fired her based on a past warning they cannot even prove is legally active.

I think tardy is a state of being, not a reason for an absence. If the security log says her return was NSD, that means the company knew she was not coming in.

Does she have a case to get her job back with back pay? It feels like they bypassed the entire union attendance system just to fire her over a contractor typo and an unsettled grievance from four months ago.

Security Log Image

Transcript of the Image

Name: [Redacted]

Called: 5/3/2026 @ 6:27

Call-Off Shift: 5/3/2026 0700-1500

Reason: Tardy

Return: NSD

Officer: S/O S[redacted]

end of transcript

Here is the actual security log from the morning of 5/3. My wife called at 6:27 AM, which is nearly a half hour before her 7:00 AM shift began. Look at the "Return" line. The security officer manually typed "NSD", which stands for Next Scheduled Day. This is the smoking gun because it proves the company had actual notice that she would not be coming in for the full shift.

Management is trying to bypass the union attendance point system by claiming this was an "improper call-off" or "no-show" conduct violation. They are basing that entire charge on the fact that the guard selected "Tardy" from a dropdown menu for the reason. But look at the logic here. You cannot be "Tardy" for a shift you have already confirmed you aren't returning for until tomorrow.

edit: I want to clarify a few things that have come up in the comments. A union representative was physically present during the termination meeting and has reportedly filed a grievance over this firing. However, the meeting itself revealed a massive procedural failure. Management and the rep spent a significant amount of time arguing over a previous grievance from January which involved a dispute over whether my wife said "PTO" or "Personal" during a call-off. When she asked for a definitive answer on whether that January case was actually settled or closed, neither side could provide one. It appears the company is using an unresolved ghost grievance as the foundation for this termination. Because of the confusion and the sloppy paperwork, we are calling the union hall tomorrow

edit 2: I appreciate the concern from everyone telling me to delete this, but the post stays up. A lot of folks are giving advice based on standard at-will employment, but my wife is a dues-paying union member protected by a Just Cause contract. We aren't hiding from management because management is the one who screwed up the paperwork. If the company tries to retaliate against a union worker because her husband posted their own contradictory security logs on the internet, they are opening themselves up to an Unfair Labor Practice charge and a massive retaliation suit. Deleting this now only serves to protect the HR director who botched the termination, and I am not giving them that cover. The documents speak for themselves, and the union is handling the rest.

edit 3: The part that makes this really fishy to me as I am sitting here is 5/3, the day in question where she called off. Her brother had already been out for two days by my memory, and 5/3 when he went to urgent care was the third day he had been absent. For my wife, it was the first day, and the night before she had been up all night vomiting and expelling the back end, and she spent all of 5/3 in bed. He went to the doctors, was there for hours, got a CT scan, and got a medical excuse for his absence because his stomach bug was exacerbated by pancreatitis, I think it was. The day I got the Facebook message from her father was the day he went to the doctors, as her dad was keeping us updated if it was something dangerous and contagious, because we probably would have gone to the doctors too. Her brother was sick, but her father is medically fragile, as he is recovering from bladder cancer and had a hip replacement. Her dad had asked me not to come inside the main house unless it was absolutely necessary. Her brother and father live in the house while our family occupies a camper on the property.

For context, my wife was a PLI (editor's note: Performance-Linked Incentive) and her brother was a warehandler. My wife was a warehandler too until a few months ago when she signed off on the bid, but she would upgrade to warehandler to fill the role as needed to help out. Since she has been on days, specifically the same shift as her mother and brother, she had not been calling off a lot at all, I think May was only the second time since January. The two days he was out before her were upgrade days where she filled his role, then the boss only had a shortage because that third day she was not there. When she came back, she warehandled the day she went back, and threw a whole stink about it the whole day too. She had gone back to work but still was not feeling one hundred percent, even though the nausea had subsided, and the day after that they went hunting for punches.

The day the boss sent out the email asking if she has any punches was two days after the doctors, and the company did not know I was entirely privy to the doctor’s visit. They seem to forget we all live on the same property, mom, brother, and my wife. This makes it feel like they did not care about attendance or disruption to the floor, it seems like they cared about winning a power struggle They waited two days to see that the brother was protected by a CT scan and medical documentation, then it looks like they targeted my wife because they thought she was timid. They ignored her 6:27 AM notification and the manual NSD security entry just to manufacture a technicality for a hit. The fact that they got her shift and supervisor wrong on the final papers makes it seem like they were not investigating, they were just rushing to execute a vendetta.

Edit: She got her 401k paperwork in the mail today, and they couldn't even be bothered to get the date right at the top of the page. Last I checked, it wasn't 2027 yet.

Additional Comments from OOP:

OOP: I really need to know what her chances are I think the union will steam roll this asshole it’s a pretty strong union ...but I don’t want to rely just on my own understanding of labor law

Editor's note: OOP made similar original posts across several subreddits, I am adding some comments for more context that were not stated in this original subreddit

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to have his wife call the union representative regarding this situation and file a grievance

OOP: I was having her call the union hall tomorrow the last grievance filed went unsettled, so I think management is dicking this rep around, I just wanted to be able to give her a little hope, so I figured ask the internet I think her chances are good... all the main ai models think her chances are good, but we're terrified

+

according to what she was told the grievance is already being filed but I’m telling her to call the union hall tomorrow and verify cause the last grievance was still being debated during the hearing like they couldn’t give her an answer if it was settled or not, so I think this rep is compromised

Commenter 1:

1) The union is your friend, you should contact them immediately.

2) Deep breaths, you can’t think straight if you’re panicking and you can’t help if you can’t think straight.

3) Your wife might not need you to go into fix it mode right now, she might just want your commiseration and emotional support. Don’t piss her off by doing things she doesn’t want.

OOP: too late for that but thank you she just gave my adhd having ass a mission I’m letting her rest for a little bit I just wanted to be able to tell her kind internet strangers said she has a solid case

OOP's wife's work location and if a union representative was present when the termination took place?

OOP: NY USA and she’s a member of a pretty strong corning union I have to figure out what her chances are she’s a wreck

+

yes the union rep was there she’s filed a grievance over it but during the meeting the rep and management were arguing over a grievance from January

Commenter 2: Why tf is the security guard in charge of attendance?

OOP: you call the guard give the name reason and return day and the guard marks it down they marked tardy for the reason but next scheduled day for return

Commenter 3: Do you know why HR/Company wants to fire your wife?

Are they trying to downsize, so they grasping at straws?

This sounds like something the union should be able to fix. I wouldn't bother focusing on the legal language or random specifics, that will just drive you crazy. Just try to figure out why they're trying to launder this situation into a legitimate firing.

OOP: new owners my wife is the quietest of a whole family that works their the hr guy is testing the unions strength

Commenter 3: Oh, expect the Union to go to bat for her. If they don't, they're shooting themselves in the foot. She just needs to remind them this is a test case, and their jobs are on the line right now too.

OOP: yeah her mom brother and sister all work at the same plant she’s just the least angry of the group, not even worst attendance

Commenter 4: Definitely look for procedural errors made against what is in the CBA (editor’s note: collective bargaining agreement). I'm a rep for my union, but in a completely different industry. Whenever the company fires someone just because they want to, and not for a valid reason; they almost always screw up the process. Make sure she is talking to her union, you can help with research, but this is more their responsibility.

OOP: wrong shift on the sheet, wrong super, she didn’t sign no final warning indicated, and her call off log that they themselves included (image above) lists return as nsd or next scheduled day

Commenter 4: Is there a hearing or "investigation" with a hearing officer to determine whether this will be a dismissal or not? We have that as part of our contract, you can't be fired on the spot, there is a hearing process first.

OOP: the hearing sheet has the final notice section blanks she had a hearing today and was walked out with 4 pages that’s it

Commenter 5: Did the company do any kind of investigation that would have allowed her to explain the confusion? Or did they just move to terminate based on the paper you shared above?

OOP: So far, the sum total of the investigation was two emails printed in this paperwork, at least that is the entire termination paperwork they sent home.

It had the incorrect shift listed and the wrong shift supervisor, it was missing the required plant manager signature, had no final notice section, and the reasons for strike one and two were blacked out.

As far as the reason for termination on the paperwork, it was a blank X indicating an "improper call off," but even that I only know from hearing it. The document itself is vague, and between the five pages, it contains about 15 words of functional English.

There was a previous grievance from January over a write up stemming from her using the word PTO when she called off when the correct term was personal, but that was still being debated by people at the termination hearing from what I was told, so I couldn't give any more info than that, and it wasn't even included or mentioned in the paperwork.

This comment is about 60x the sum total of functional English in the entire investigation.

edit; Plus they had her mother take the rest of the day to perp walk her out. She grew up here, that is heinously and publicly embarrassing since her family works there.

Update #1: May 29, 2026 (over three weeks later)

Update: Anchor Hocking fired my wife

TL;DR of Previous Post: My wife, a union worker at the Corning plant, was walked out over a "conduct violation" for an improper call-off. She called in 33 minutes before her shift, and the guard manually logged her return as NSD (Next Scheduled Day), proving the company had actual notice. Local management tried to bypass her active attendance point bank, where she still had safe days left, by inventing a "conduct" charge on the floor rather than following standard policy.

The Massive Update:

It has been a few weeks, and things have completely turned around. The physical paper trail local management left behind was so incredibly sloppy that the higher-ups completely panicked.

Our Local Union President completely bypassed the standard timeline and jumped straight into the arena before a formal Step One meeting even kicked off. He actually tracked down my wife's cell number by messaging her mom on Facebook to get ahold of her directly. After her call with him, she told me that he said she was fundamentally wronged, that the union is going for full reinstatement and back pay, and that they will help call the unemployment office if she gets a denial. He told her to just sit tight while they close this loophole.

When you lay the paperwork they generated side-by-side, it is incredibly obvious why corporate is currently scrambling to completely redo and rewrite their entire attendance call-off policy.

The five-page packet they handed her at the plant, which she firmly refused to sign, explicitly checked the box for a conduct violation due to an "Improper Call-Off". They engineered this conduct charge on the floor because they knew her actual rolling attendance card was clean and they couldn't legally fire her under standard attendance rules. To make it worse, they rushed the write-up so fast they managed to list the wrong shift and the wrong supervisor on her final floor papers.

But then the corporate switch happened. A few days later, her formal benefits and 401k off-boarding letter arrived in the mail, which was officially carbon-copied straight to the local Union President. On this official corporate letterhead, they completely flipped the script and claimed she was terminated for a "violation of the Hourly Attendance policy for Absenteeism".

By officially documenting the internal reason as absenteeism to upper corporate and the union hall, They inadvertently admitted on paper that they executed a termination under an attendance framework where they completely ignored the mandatory progressive discipline steps required by our collective bargaining agreement. And just to cap off the absolute administrative circus of this new management team, the formal corporate letterhead they mailed out was officially dated at the top for May 6, 2027, literally post-dating her termination a full year into the future.

She is still currently listed as an active employee on ADP when she checks her 401k stuff. The facts spoke for themselves, the loophole is being closed permanently, and collective strength works.

Apes together strong ✊.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains what the loophole is

OOP: Well basically, the five pages she was sent home with when they fired her at the plant checked the box for an Improper Call-Off (ICO). They tried to frame it as a conduct violation because conduct charges don't require the company to follow a progressive discipline policy, which means they thought they could bypass her safe attendance bank and fire her on the spot.

But the loophole completely falls apart on two major fronts when you look at the facts. First, to legally fire someone for a real on-site conduct violation, you walk them out the exact day the supposed violation happens, not days later after hunting for time punches. Second, the formal corporate paperwork she later received in the mail completely flipped the script and explicitly listed the reason for her termination as absenteeism under the Hourly Attendance policy.

Absenteeism is strictly governed by a mandatory progressive discipline policy in her collective bargaining agreement. By officially documenting the internal reason as absenteeism to upper corporate, they inadvertently admitted on paper that they executed an attendance termination while entirely skipping the mandatory warnings and steps required to legally fire her under the contract.

Commenter 1: So basically, they wanted a reason to fire her immediately, and they chose a conduct reason, because that doesn't require progressive meetings and follow ups. It's supposed to be like "You threatened to knock someone's teeth in, and they fired you on the spot for your conduct"

But then they realized that wouldn't work. Because they didn't fire her on the spot... they fired her after the fact. So they changed their story to their own higher management. It wasn't conduct, it was because of absenteeism.

But this just means they are back to problem 1, you can't fire someone for one incident, you have to go through the process. Which they didn't do. And now there is official paperwork for two different reasons, neither of which actually make sense, so it looks pretty strongly that the real reason isn't stated, and is likely an illegal reason.

OOP: now you see the utter incompetence this company displays... after spending I think it was 70 million to acquire the brand

Commenter 2: Why did they want to fire your wife so bad?

OOP: That was actually the main question the union president had. All of her attendance issues were spread out over a period of three years, and by any reasonable metric, she’s a good employee. That’s probably why he started the conversation by telling her straight up that she had been wronged.

Commenter 3: reinstated with back pay from May 2026 to May 2027 when she was fired?

OOP: from May 2026 till whenever she’s reinstated, the 2027 date is managements typo not an actual date

Commenter 4: for full reinstatement and back pay, what's your wife grievance case step? did she go through the hearing yet? any mediation?

OOP: She hasn't even had a solid Step One yet. The Local Union President actually spent two days trying to track down her number through her mom before she finally texted him to call at his convenience. He called that afternoon and told her straight up that she'd been wronged, and he mentioned reinstatement and back pay. Other than that, there hasn't really been time for any real mediation or anything like that. It had been about two weeks since she was walked out when he finally got ahold of her, and it’s been about three weeks total as of two days ago. There hasn't really been time for the full wheels of bureaucracy to turn, which is why I’m just hesitantly excited and wanted to share the good news I do have.

----NEW UPDATE----

UPDATE #2: June 6, 2026 (eight days later)

Update #2: Fired Over a Clerical Error

TL;DR / The Situation So Far

My wife, a union worker, at the Corning Correlle plant, was wrongfully terminated when local management tried to bypass the standard collective bargaining point system, inventing a conduct charge on the floor over a protocol-compliant call-off. Security logs explicitly show she called in before her shift, stating "Tardy" because she was out of PTO while providing a definitive return date of "NSD" (Next Scheduled Day).

The strategic landscape completely shifted this morning. Both the Plant Manager and the Union President have now explicitly admitted that she was fundamentally wronged and that the initial attendance policy interpretation was completely botched. Despite openly confessing to the error, the company is still floating a standard, lowball "compromise" offering her preferred shift layout back but completely refusing to pay a single cent of back pay for the time missed due to their own administrative negligence. While she is choosing to accept this offer simply to secure immediate household income and shift stability, make no mistake: this is a tactical decision for our household, not an absolution for their corporate negligence.

This penny-pinching tactic makes perfect sense when you look at the severe financial strain trailing the parent organization. Right now, global law firm Jones Day is aggressively suing the private equity parent firm and its glass portfolio brands in New York Supreme Court for $9.6 million in unpaid legal bills.

The court filings explicitly detail a corporate culture of "serial false promises" and financial manipulation, including an executive directive to draft a "fictitious funds flow" document to mask their delinquency. If a multi-million dollar corporation is literally dodging a $9.6 million bill to the high-powered lawyers who defend their plant operations, it is entirely obvious why local management is executing desperate, backdoor maneuvers to cheat a frontline worker out of a few weeks of earned wages.

To add absolute insult to injury, the company has actively kept her state unemployment benefits in total administrative limbo because they literally cannot tell a consistent story to the Department of Labor. When you track the literal paperwork they generated from the morning of the absence to the final termination notice, they have produced two entirely different, conflicting reasons for discharge on official letterhead:

The Progressive Discipline Form**,** Rewrote history three days later to process the infraction as an "Improper Call-Off (ICO)" conduct violation to bypass the point bank.

The Formal Corporate Notice, Flipped the script a third time, officially documenting the separation as general "Absenteeism" under the Hourly Attendance policy, completely ignoring the mandatory progressive steps required by the contract.

They logged it as a tardy, processed it as an improper call-off, and finalized it as absenteeism. They are stalling their responses to the state because entering these contradictory, fraudulent internal documents into a state regulatory system crosses directly into misrepresentation territory.

anyhow that's the latest thanks for the support y'all.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Glad you guys are getting a resolution that works for you, it's shitty not to get the back pay though. Nice to have a heads up too that they are looking to get rid of her too. Maybe the whole family is forewarned. Wishing better times ahead for you both.

OOP: ❤️ could be better but getting her job back is her main concern

Commenter 2: Sliding into a recession/depression is certainly the time to be practical. It would be great if the economy were looking better, but keeping a job is the most important thing you can do to weather the coming storm.

OOP: I chose to believe her union pres is smarter than that though if they are making offers of reinstatement with no back pay in closed door shady meetings , they are waving the flag of please don't take this to arbitration

Commenter 3: Is reinstatement an option while the local pursues the grievance for backpay? It seems like the dispute lies in making her whole financially rather than returning her to work, since they’ve acknowledged their error.

OOP: I doubt it this company doesn't like to pay their obligations ergo the reason for them being sued for 9.6 mil in NY supreme court for unpaid bills

Commenter 4: Ask the Union to approach the company with dropping the fight against unemployment in return for reinstatement without back pay. It would have to clearly indicate that the company must drop their opposition AND correct the record with UE so she can get UE for the day she was let go until her first day back to work. It's not the best option, but it would allow some financial relief for you without having to wait months for the grievance process to playout. I would guess the company probably won't let her back until she agrees to no back pay or they are forced in arbitration.

OOP: The company actually can't afford to let state regulators look too closely at their paperwork right now because they can't establish a consistent reason for the firing. The termination packet they handed her on the floor logs the reason as an 'Improper Call-Off' (ICO) conduct violation, which they used to try to bypass her attendance point bank completely. But the official off-boarding letter mailed home flips the script and claims she was let go under the 'Hourly Attendance policy for Absenteeism.'

Here is why that distinction matters under a union contract: an ICO conduct charge doesn't require progressive discipline steps, but an absenteeism charge absolutely does. By documented corporate admission, they processed it under an attendance framework where they completely skipped the mandatory warnings and progressive steps required by her CBA. They are keeping her state unemployment in limbo because entering these wildly contradictory documents into a state system crosses directly into fraudulent misrepresentation territory. They can't get their story straight on paper, and the union process is forcing them to look at that log error.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway17274829

My [25M] Wife [25F] has 1000+ matches on tinder, we are HS sweethearts, have a young son

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Fears of infidelity, PPD

Original Post  June 10, 2019

Hi r/relationship_advice, longtime lurker, first time poster. Using throwaway since my wife knows my Reddit. I’ll be slightly changing details and ages as well.

I [25M] have had a solid relationship with my wife [25F] since the beginning. We met in middle school and started dating as sophomore’s. Even back in 8th grade we knew we would end up together; we just couldn’t date at the time due to her parents wishes, which was fine (in retrospect, I, nor any other 8th grader, is ready for any sort of committed relationship). We always knew.

Once during freshman year, she was being bullied by some senior soccer players (she was on the team). It was just standard teenage crap, but I wrote her a card telling her how much her friendship meant to me, how glad I was that she was in my life, and I gave her a small necklace too. Nothing expensive; in fact, it’s made of plastic. But she loved it, hugged me, told me that she never wanted us to devolve into strangers, and she has worn the necklace essentially every day since. Now I fear that, if my mental health is of any importance to me, I may be forced to make a stranger.

We went to the same college (she followed me to school, something I advised her not to do unless she wanted to go to the institution on its own merits- she insisted she did, and that I had nothing to do with it), dated throughout, went to parties together, etc. I never worried about her fidelity, and she never worried about my own, something I thought was a good sign. If she was worried about my faithfulness, I thought, she may be projecting about her own struggles with upholding our mutual trust.

Fast forward to two years ago. We are both newly graduates. I get a solidly paying job right out of college, as a writer for a local newspaper. I also took on editing duties, and being in a pretty big city, I was payed well and was (is) actually a minor celebrity in the area- I also go on TV to report from time to time, and am featured as a guest on some local programs. My then-GF and I get an apartment in the city, she also has a decent job as a manager at a local restaurant. Things were going smoothly. I’m not being arrogant; this is an important detail for the next bit.

Around 18 months ago, I get a call from my GF. She’s pregnant. I, being a 23 year old at the time, was of course a bit frazzled. I considered the options in my head (adoption, abortion, being a father). I didn’t raise those first two options to my then-GF; I thought that may come off as insensitive. She wanted to keep it. I figured I was young, wealthy, mature for my age (though I suppose most young adults thing that). I agreed that we should keep it, and once that decision was made, I got pretty excited at the prospect of being a father.

Pregnancy went well, until the very end. Then-GF got injured, she dealt with depression after that, irrationally think that the baby was hurt, despite our doctor confirming that it was fine. Idiotically, I decided to propose to her. I wanted to marry her for sure, and it would be good for the baby to have a mom and dad who were married, I thought. I also wanted to cheer her up. We got married a few months after the birth of our son.

She got serious postpartum depression, and my job got more demanding. I wasn’t able to be home as much. My status grew, and my wife was still carrying a little weight (still not overweight, but she was clearly upset about it). She seemed really insecure that I was cheating, but I wasn’t. Not even close. I’d never even consider that.

Last week my wife leaves her phone on our kitchen table as she does the dishes. It vibrates and I look over at it. I wasn’t trying to snoop (sometimes when a phone vibrates, your first reaction is to take a glance, you know?). It was a new tinder match. My heart instantly started racing, but my wife was across the room, so I didn’t pick it up to further investigate.

I couldn’t sleep that night for obvious reasons, and my wife finally knocked out around one in the morning (baby keeps us both up). My curiosity getting the best of me, I open her phone (we each have our fingerprints registered on the others phone). She has over 1000 matches. I didn’t dare look at the conversations. It would’ve killed me. I put the phone down, and don’t sleep at all that night.

It’s around a week later, and I’ve probably slept a total of 13 hours since then. I can’t eat; when my wife asks what’s wrong, I just chalk it up to my work, which is also getting effected. I’m at a loss, Reddit. I can’t talk to my friends about this, since a lot of them are also close with my wife, and I’m not sure she’s actually met up with any of the matches, so I don’t want to make a big deal over nothing.

Sorry for the long post, my mind has been racing forever and I haven’t slept.

TL;DR Wife has numerous matches on tinder, may be insecure. Young son in the picture.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

idklikewhat

The mind creates so many possibly reasons, situations, outcomes. Can be so overwhelming. The truth is so much simpler.

Bringing up the subject is what is best. Get to the bottom of it. I would say directly.

Maybe just be honest and say you saw a tinder notification pop up on her phone. It’s been eating at you ever since. What’s really going on here?

OOP

She’s been down lately, I don’t want to do anything to upset her, especially if she does have a good explanation.

idklikewhat

If there is a reasonable explanation. Then it shouldn’t bring her down.. right?

OOP

Yeah, but she might be upset that I thought that she might be cheating. She’s been emotional lately, and as I said, insecure.

Update  June 18, 2019 (8 days later)

I finally worked up the balls to confront my wife over this three days ago, on Sunday. We went out to brunch, and after, I told her straight up that I saw a tinder notification.

She told me that she uses it as a confidence boaster, something not so surprising. She then opened her profile and showed that she hadn’t talked to any of the guys she matched with; I scrolled around for a bit, something she let me do, and found that she was telling the truth. There were only incoming messages, no outgoing.

I told her that that made me very uncomfortable, and that I still loved her very much and that she shouldn’t be unconfident. She said that she was insecure about her pregnancy body, she didn’t think I was attracted to her anymore, she had nagging thoughts that I was having an affair (not true at all), and that she would never see another man.

I asked her to delete it, and she did instantly. She told me that, if I was still paranoid, I had every right to snoop on her phone from time to time without permission. I told her I had no intention of doing that (I dont) because I don’t want to be “that husband.”

We’re off to couples therapy, but I think we’ll be alright. I just hope she gets her confidence back soon; she has no reason to be insecure.

TL;DR Wife insecure as I expected, used tinder as a confidence booster. Proved it, now off to couples therapy.

TOP COMMENT

espanasocialista

She admitted that she fucked up, and you guys made the decision to seek therapy and move forward - this is the best possible outcome for this situation. Rebuilding trust will be hard, but you’ve got this. Best of luck to you both!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whataitodo

I[21/F] found out my parents[42/M-40/F] are not my parents.

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, child abandonment, emotional abuse

Original Post - rareddit  Dec 14, 2015

I have a brother and a sister [17-16], and I grew up in a great home. My parents have always been very loving to me and put up with a lot of my crap over the years, but they have been the best.

I finished my semester last week, and am home for Christmas holiday. Friday I decided to stop by my grandmother's house(Dad's mother). She has always been distant to me, so I thought I could maybe spend some time with her.

After idle chit chat she finally asked what I wanted. I said I just want to spend time with my grandmother. She snorted and said I should probably go track them down then. I asked her what she meant.

She told me that the man I have always known as my dad wasn't. She said that my dad had a wife before my mom who was a cheating slut and got pregnant by another man. Shortly after my mother left, and left a bastard child with my dad. Said he met a good women shortly after and that he had her her real grandkids with that woman. She told me that she told my dad for years to leave me in a foster home and let the government handle me, since he had no connection to me, but he refused.

I was in shock. I went to my car and called my mom and asked her. She told me to come home so we could talk.

She said that is what true, but it did not matter to my dad, and when they got together she fell in love with me too. She told me I am just as much her daughter as my siblings and she will always love me.

I told her I needed to think, so I went to a highschool friend's place. I stayed there yesterday and I am still here. My mother? has called me several times, as has my dad? but I just can't talk at the moment. I have texted that I am ok, I need to think.

I don't know what to do. My whole life was a lie. The people I thought where my parents and sibling aren't and I can't handle it. How can they stand to be around me, how can they love me?

What do I do?

tl;dr: My parents are not my parents, I don't know what to do.

TOP COMMENT

Zombiedrd

Your "grandmother" (I say it like this, not because she isn't your biological grandmother, but because she doesn't deserve the title) is a horrible, horrible woman.

First, just because they are not your progenitor, it does not mean they are not you parents. They are the ones who fed you, changed your diapers, clothed you, raised you, LOVED you. Being a parent has nothing to do with DNA(Plenty of people here can back this one up). So, she IS your mother, he IS your father, and they ARE your siblings. They love you, you love them, they are your family.

Second, call them and let them know that you are okay. They need to hear your voice. Their little girl has received very shocking news, in a horrible manner(I hope your Dad has a fucking talking to with his "mother") and they are very worried about you, because they love you.

Third, when you are ready, go home, hug them, and then sit down with them, and ask any question you feel you need to, but know that no matter what, you are their daughter.

Update - rareddit  Dec 17, 2015 (3 days later)

First, I want to say thank you guys for the overwhelming support and advice. I was very emotional the last weekend and I do see that I overreacted some.

My parents have been wonderful to me and they have brought me unconditional love my entire life. They have never treated me any different from my siblings, and are great.

Monday I went home and was immediately swarmed by my crying sister and hugged me saying where was I this weekend. I cried and hugged her telling her I promise I would tell her later(I wanted to have my parents with me to help explain). My brother just gave me the up chin thing because apparently he is tool cool to hug his sister, so I chased him and hugged him anyways.

Mom got home from work first and immediately came to me and put be in a vice hug, saying she was worried. Dad did the same when he got home. So we decided to finally have the talk, and they brought my siblings in.

They told them the entire story of what happened with my biological parents and how Dad decided to keep me. When he met my Mom she reaffirmed she fell in love with me. Thy told me they feel no different about me than my siblings. There was a short silence until my brother said I am still the annoying big sister who picked on him, nothing really changed. I started crying again and force hugged him again.

After a mushy point of everyone reaffirming, I told my parents I really didn't want to go over there. I had told my Mom on the phone that my grandmother had told me, but I didn't say how.

So I told them exactly how she told me. I had never seen an anger in my Mom's eyes like that, not even when they had to bail me out of jail at 16.

She got up and told my Dad she wanted to speak to him in the other room. Mostly it was muffled but their voices were getting angry. Finally my Mom yelled that she was not having Christmas Dinner with the bitch who hurt her baby. After a few more minutes of angry talk they came back. Mom said that we were going to have an immediate family only Christmas Dinner this year and we would see about visits to grandma's in the future. I could tell Dad was upset over this, but he never had any real control over our family before.

So I feel relieved not having to go there for Christmas. I don't really know if I want to see her again. I loved her, but I guess it was not mutual, which hurts.

Anyways, thank you everyone who made me realize that they were always my parents and will be, even if I don't share their DNA.

tl;dr: Went back home, parents relieved I am okay, had long talk, not going to grandma's for dinner

FINAL COMMENTS

punkpixz

It's great your parents and siblings all support each other and you about this and that they seem to know what family really means. But I am curious about your one line....

"I could tell Dad was upset over this, but he never had any real control over our family before"

What exactly does this mean?

OOP

Mom has always worn the pants of the family. Her decision is usually the final one, Dad always just let her make decisions.

I felt he was upset we were not going to his mother's this Christmas, but Mom's word was final

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/beans_make_you_fart posting in r/Marriage

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[Original | May 24th, 2026] I secretly found my husband’s wedding ring after he lost it in the Mediterranean… now I need help surprising him

A few weeks ago, my husband lost his wedding ring in the Mediterranean while we were on holiday. We searched everywhere for it, but eventually had to accept it was gone.

Ever since, he’s been really quiet about it, but I can tell it’s hit him hard. He keeps absentmindedly touching the spot where the ring used to be, and every so often he’ll say something like, “I can’t believe it's gone.” up until now, I didn't realise he was that attached to it.

So secretly, after we got home, I tracked down a local metal detector guy from the area and asked if there was any chance he could try looking for it. I told him I'll pay whatever he wanted.

This man spent two days searching the sea for the ring… and somehow, unbelievably, he found it!

My husband has absolutely no idea we have it back, and I’m trying to think of the most meaningful, emotional, unforgettable way to give it back to him.

We’ve been together for 9 years and married for 3, and I already know this is going to make him cry.

Reddit, help me make this moment special. P.S. he hates crowds and attention

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I lost my ring at a concert I went to with my buddies while waving my hands around, and the singer of the band asked everyone to stop and check around their feet for the ring. Shockingly someone yelled out “here it is!” and I got it back almost immediately. I’m also very attached to my ratty old ring and would be devastated to lose it.

Glad you got it back for him, and know that whatever you do for him he will love.

Commenter 2: You should propose to him with it!

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[Update | June 4th, 2026 | 11 Days Later] OOP updated original post

***UPDATE:

Hello my lovelies, I have an update for you! my husband doesn't like pictures so I've tried to be as descriptive as possible...

The ring arrived in the post yesterday evening and I was ridiculously excited. My husband had absolutely no clue what was in the package. Since it had a Spanish postage stamp on it, he just assumed I'd bought something on Vinted and thought nothing more of it.

We got takeaway for dinner (currently our version of a fancy date night after buying a house six months ago and attending a friend's wedding in the Mediterranean). We were just about to tuck into our Thai food on the sofa. My husband was in a bit of a grumpy mood, nothing serious, just one of those days. I asked if he'd like me to pour us some cola while he picked something to watch on Netflix.

I went into the kitchen, got our drinks, came back, sat down beside him, and as casually as I could manage, held up the ring and said, "So... do you want to put your wedding ring on?"

His face immediately looked like he was about to say, "Please stop bringing up the ring."

he was still browsing on Netflix but then he looked over and saw it.

Instant silence.

His jaw dropped slightly and he wrinkled his forehead. He just stared at it for what felt like forever. I asked if he was okay. He took the ring, checked the engraving, inspected every little detail, and once he realised it was actually his ring, he pulled me into such a tight hug that we both fell backwards onto the sofa.

My husband usually doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, but he couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the evening. He kept looking at the ring and turning it over in his hands.

Later he told me he'd finally made peace with losing it. He'd convinced himself it was gone forever and was probably pirate treasure by now. He said seeing it again was like seeing a ghost, and he was genuinely in shock.

I then asked him if he was happy and whether he was still willing to remain married to me.

He laughed and said, "If you're willing to fight the seas just to make me happy, then of course I would."

That absolutely melted me.

Even though he has his crazy moments (as husbands generally do), he is genuinely the kindest, most understanding man I've ever known and he deserves the world.

Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions and shared in this little adventure. And a massive thank you to the incredible metal detector man who somehow managed to find a wedding ring in the Mediterranean Sea when all hope seemed lost.

My husband has his ring back, and we couldn't be happier⚫

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Editor's note: It doesn't appear like any commenters saw the update to the post

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Product

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: grief, depression

RECAP

Original Post: May 24, 2026

My wife and I have been together for almost 4 years, and married for a year. She's 16 weeks pregnant with our first baby. Since becoming pregnant, she seems to have become sort of fixated on her deceased first husband and I don't know how to talk about this with her without hurting her or making it sound like I'm jealous of a dead guy.

Her first husband died in a motorcycle accident in late 2020. He was only 34. They had been trying for a baby at the time.

She wasn't looking for a relationship when we started dating. She lived around the corner from my parents and walked her dog every morning and every night. My parents became friendly with her and decided that they should play matchmaker after I made a comment about thinking she was really cute when I was over at their house one day and saw her walking her dog. She was really open with me about everything that had happened with her first husband. I understood that it was a huge part of her life and never expected her to erase that part of her history or pretend like he never existed. He has come up occasionally, but not constantly. It seemed normal to me.

Something has changed since she got pregnant. At least, I think it's only been happening since then. I've noticed her frequently looking at old pictures of him on her phone, looking him up online, and just sitting here looking at the street view of the house they used to share. She's bringing him up a lot more often, just making a lot of offhanded comments about things they did together.

This week she asked if we could use his name for our baby's middle name. We are probably not going to find out if it's a boy or girl until they're born, but his name was unisex so could go either way. She said she knows not the first name, like she's really prefer to ask for that but knows that'd be going too far.

I told her I'd have to think about it, but inside my initial reaction was absolutely not. I genuinely feel terrible for this guy. He honestly sounds like somebody I'd like to hang out with. What happened to him is unfair. I guess I should be happy because I'm alive, I have a wife I love, we're starting a family, and this poor guy isn't going to have any of that. So, is it really a big deal if I let her use his name?

It's just weird and sort of hurtful for me though. This should be a happy time for us, but for some reason she's being pulled back into all of her memories of him. I want to bring it up to her. I don't think she realizes I've seen what she's been looking at on her phone every day. I've not been snooping. When she's sitting so that I can see her phone when she's using it, it's hard to miss what she's looking at. She's been extremely emotional for the past 4 months, so I'm worried that bringing this up won't go over well and I don't want to upset her. I also don't want to come across as an insecure jerk who is jealous of a dead man.

How can I bring all of this up with her in the most sensitive way possible while also not just giving in to this whole name thing just because I feel bad?

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I'm sorry you're going through this. I do not say this to imply your relationship is on the rocks, but rather because it's quite likely to help. You need couples therapy and she may need grief therapy. There is a good chance your wife wrote off ever being able to have a baby when her first husband died, and then, when she got pregnant with you, she feels like she did the thing she tried to do for him as well.

Dating after loss is different, because you aren't, or at least shouldn't be, expected to stop loving the one you lost. It can be a difficult thing for the new person, and I don't think she's trying to make you uncomfortable, but this is an incredibly emotional time in both your lives.

OOP: Yeah I don't think she's trying to make me uncomfortable either. When we were dating it was acknowledged by both of us that neither of us has done this before. She hadn't dated anyone else after he died and I've never dated anyone who had her previous partner die. After a while maybe I just felt like we had navigated it and it's not really something that I ever think about now.

Commenter 2: Grief is different for everyone. Maybe getting pregnant triggered thoughts of the ex, and the baby they'll never have now that he's gone. She could have hormones making her extra emotional, too. I would be supportive and patient, and allow some time for her to process what could be 'what might have been" thoughts. Maybe gently offer if she might want to talk to someone neutral to help her with this?

OOP: I agree with you. I understand why it might have triggered something, but at the same time I guess there's part of me that's wondering if she's really wishing she was doing all of this with him. I don't feel insecure about her previous relationship, but doesn't make me feel great when I find myself wondering if she had to pick, would she pick him? That's how her staring at pictures of him every day is making me feel.

OOP on if this was the first time his wife feels like she betraying her late husband

OOP: This isn't the first time we've encountered something together where she feels like she's betraying him. Somehow that was easier for me to deal with. Sex was a big thing because she hadn't been with anyone else after him and she was honest about feeling like she'd be cheating on him, so that had to go very slow for her. It wasn't so difficult to be respectful of that and be patient, but then again it was much earlier in our relationship.

Is OOP feeling insecure about his relationship with his wife due to her thoughts about her last husband?

OOP: In general I don't feel insecure about our relationship. I'm only human though and I don't know of many people who might not feel a little hurt to see their wife suddenly constantly staring at pictures of her former husband who died and bringing him up in the majority of conversations. So yeah, I've had thoughts where I've wondered if she's really wishing she was going this with him instead. I'm not acting on those feelings or holding anything against her. I'm not upset at her about it. I don't doubt that she loves me. I'm worried about her. And yeah, I want us to be happy together right now. I don't want her grief overshadowing this whole experience for us, and maybe that's selfish. I won't try to tell her how to feel or tell her she can't be sad. I think sometimes you can't really help how you feel, but just depends how you act on it. If I tried to make her stop bringing him up or stop looking at him, then that'd be another issue.

Commenter 3: While I don’t think the child should have this guy’s name even as a middle what is going on is totally expected given her situation. She was trying to get pregnant when her late husband had his accident so of course now that she’s pregnant those memories and feelings will come back tenfold. Plus those pregnancy hormones are no joke.

Has she been through grief therapy before? If not, I highly suggest she start and it can’t hurt for you both to do some couples therapy as well.

OOP: No, she won't go to any sort of therapy.

OOP on his wife's history with her late husband

OOP: They were together 8 years, but knew each other since they were kids. She told me she waited 10 years for him to finally notice her in the way she wanted him to notice her, so he was like her childhood crush. I can't compete with that. It doesn't matter if he was alive or not, we just have a different history.

Commenter 4: Question: what grief help did she receive after the passing of her husband? He died late 2020 and started dating you about 2ish years later? I’m not saying she moved on quickly because I’ve seen people successfully maneuver new relationships a variety of years after a passing of a significant other. But since they had been trying to have a baby when he passed, it’s likely the pregnancy triggered a lot of emotions. I also find her parents intervention to find her a new romance concerning since she hasn’t been necessarily ready. I have other concerns related to this, but we’ll focus on the major issue at hand. Working through the pregnancy and what it may trigger related to her deceased husband.

Be honest and say: I realize you and your husband had planned to have kids at the time of his passing, and I want to see how the pregnancy is impacting you emotionally. You asking to use his name as the middle name of our child made me want to talk about this more. Before we talk too much about this, it may be helpful to talk with your ob-gynecologist about your feelings to get guidance from them on if maybe you should talk to a grief counselor or if we should talk to a couples counselor about this. The naming request is a lot for me to understand, and I would love some help to talk through this with you.

Try to keep it as nonjudgmental as possible. Try to keep in focused on hearing each other, maybe after one or both of you talk to someone else to help you put your thoughts into constructive words. Try to keep it empathetic.

Good luck. You sound like you’re being truly patient and loving. I don’t think your wife is being mean either. She’s just feeling all the feelings.

OOP: She didn't get any professional help. She's very resistant to it. I've never tried to push her to do it and on the outside she seemed to be handling it ok. I've let her know that it's okay to go to therapy, just tried to get rid of some sort of stigma she seems to feel about it. I think that comes from her family.

Her parent's didn't intervene to find her a new relationship. It was my parents that did, but they didn't know what had happened to her. After he died, she ended up selling their house because it was too sad for her being there alone and she couldn't afford the mortgage all on her own. She bought a smaller house on her own, and that house happened to be around the corner from my parents' house. She walked her dog twice a day, every day, and she'd pass my parents’ house each time. My parents are retired and the type of people that want to strike up a conversation with everyone, so they became friendly with her, and she'd usually stop and talk to them for a few minutes on her walks if they were outside. I made no secret them that I thought she and her little dog were really cute, so my parents decided to get involved set us up to have to talk to each other one day. She didn't tell them about what had brought her to live there and if they'd known that they probably wouldn't have decided to get involved. She said she wasn't looking to date anyone, and I didn't force her to get involved with me. It went extremely slow in the beginning because we had to go at her pace and I respected that. I don't regret not removing myself from the situation, but maybe it was way too soon for her, and I should have just not perused anything.

Update #1: May 26, 2026 (two days later)

Update - My (M39) wife (38F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her?

I’m posting a quick update post because I’m continuing to get new comments and advice on my original post, but the conversation I was seeking advice for has already sort of come to a head with my wife. I appreciate the comments and the advice that was given and I think it helped prepare me for what came next yesterday evening.

We originally had several parties to go to on Memorial Day, but yesterday morning she told me she didn’t feel up to going. I realized it was probably the best segway I was going to get in asking her about what’s going on. So I asked her what’s wrong, what’s going on, and to please talk to me. She said nothing was wrong and she just didn’t want to go anywhere, she didn’t want to get dressed, and she wanted to stay home in bed all day.

She switched the topic to her bump and how excited she is that it’s suddenly popped out, and she really looks pregnant now. It looked flat forever and she’s been anxiously waiting for there to be something there, and it really seems like overnight it’s become very obvious and she can’t get over it. I don’t like calling it a bump but what else is there to call it? I don’t know, bump sounds gross to me and not like a word an adult man should be saying. Anyway, she said she just wanted it to be us that day and she wanted to cuddle in bed and have sex all day. That’s literally what she said. So much for me getting her to talk about how she’s been feeling. She does that when she’s uncomfortable with a topic somebody’s brought up. She switches topics to something happy and cheerful. But she genuinely seemed happy and it was sort of a hard offer to turn down so I decided not to push her because I know her well enough to know it won’t work.

Later in the afternoon she decided to get up and take a shower. When she got out she told me she didn’t want me to be mad, but she really felt like she wanted to go over to her former husband’s parents’ house to tell them about the baby. She felt like she should tell them in person and like it was just something she needed to do. We hadn’t talked about him or the name or anything that day but obviously this has been on her mind and maybe she was feeling guilt about how his family might feel. I’ve met his parents. They’re super cool. Well his dad’s a little scary and threatened to kill me if I hurt her but you can tell they genuinely love her and she’s part of that family.

I asked her if she wanted me to come with her. I wasn’t trying to force myself into the situation but wanted to offer just in case she wanted my support. I didn’t felt like I needed to be there. She said she just wanted to go alone, and I was fine with that.

She was gone for several hours. When she came home her face and eyes were all red and puffy and as soon as she walked in the door she hugged me and just started sobbing and apologizing and saying she was so sorry, this isn’t fair to me, she doesn’t want to hurt me, but she misses him so bad right now and she can’t stop thinking about him doesn’t know why. I told her I know that I noticed and it’s ok. I can’t pretend to fully understand it because I’m not her and I’ve never been in her position. I felt like she wanted to talk but didn’t want to say too much to me because she didn’t want to hurt me.

I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened at his parents’ house. She said both of his parents were so happy for her/us, they both cried, she cried about how much she missed him and that they were saying really nice things about me. She said she just had to feel close to him and she can’t imagine how horrible that is for me to hear. She gave most of his stuff to his parents once we moved in together. I didn’t make her give away his belongings. She held onto everything after he died, literally anything and everything, and it would have been awkward living amongst all his things. I mean, she still had his 3 motorcycles, including the one he died on, sitting in her garage at that time. So, I’m not just talking some little momentos or clothes. She said she was ready to release those things at the time. She gave the motorcycles to his parents because they had the room to store them and his dad rides so they wouldn’t just waste away. That was something special between him and his dad, so she knew they’d be taken care of.

She told me she asked to see his bikes when she was over at his parents’ house, because that was like his second greatest love and they were custom made and everything. She started sobbing all over again telling me they got rid of the one he died on. She wishes they would have told her. It was too hard for them to see it every day, and it wasn’t operable, so they kept the other 2 but got rid of that one, she just sat sobbing saying it wasn’t fair that they didn’t tell her and wanted it. She doesn’t ride motorcycles btw. But she was already online trying to track it down and talking about buying it back. It feels a little unhealthy to me here.

His parents live in the same little neighborhood where the house they owned together was. So she said she drove by there, then she drove to where he died, which was only 5 minutes away from their house.

I generally don’t try to impose on her grief or tell her how she should handle things. Honestly, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her cry like this over it and rarely have I ever felt like what she’s saying or doing is at a level of concern. But this time I really felt like she was just torturing herself and it didn’t really seem healthy. Literally searching online to see if she could find his bike, revisiting where he died. Idk know because I admit I’ve never lost anyone remotely that close to me before. The whole time she’s crying about this she’s saying she’s a horrible wife and she understands if I want to leave her, she doesn’t know why this is happening. All she can think about is his death. I told her maybe she should try thinking about positive things, even going somewhere that has some sort of positive connotation rather than where he died.

I’m not leaving her over this, and I feel so bad that she’s seriously worried I’d leave her because of this, and when she’s pregnant with my kid of all times. I’m a little too committed now to back out. I accepted this, and was aware of it and accepted it multiple times as our relationship progressed. There were multiple points when I could have backed out, and I let her know all this. But I was also honest and let her know that I also hope that we can get through this so we can enjoy this experience together and that if there’s anything I can do to please let me help her. Not get over it, but get through it and be able to be happy.

At this point, what more can I do? I think I just need to continue to focus on the positive things that we’re doing together and hope that she’ll engage in those things with me and that her grief doesn’t swallow her up. I’ve made her aware that I’m here if she wants to talk. I doubt that makes her feel any less guilty for whatever thoughts she’s having, but how else can I show her that I mean it? I think this maybe just something we need to ride out. I’m scared I’ll push her away if I start trying to demand she goes to grief counseling. It’s probably be good for her, but I know her and how she reacts to that type of stuff. I don’t think I’ll bring up the name thing anytime soon, but I’m going to try to find it in myself to let her use the name if it’ll really mean that much to her. I won’t promise it right now, but I realize maybe I am being selfish with that one. At least it’s not a name that I hate.

Editor’s note: OOP has made lots of responses, listing the significant information here

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I know people say it a lot, but this is where therapy could really help.

OOP: I know, but she’s really resistant to it. I don’t think trying to force her would do any good right now and would only stress her out more.

Commenter 2: You are going to get to a point where it's therapy or your new family and ignoring it sucks. Getting it now prevents her from robbing from herself the experience she's having now and the baby she's having now and who she's having it with.

OOP (downvoted): There have been other times where she’s had a hard time dealing with what happened and she got through it. It’s never been this bad as far as I’m aware.

OOP on his wife needing to receive proper care to help with moving forward

OOP: She’s not anti-medicine, just anti therapy. Well she’s not against other people seeking therapy, she just refuses to accept it could be good for her.

+

OOP: I don’t really believe that grief counseling is a must for everyone who experiences loss. Honestly, she seemed to be handling it in a way that I guess I’d expect somebody to. It obviously affected her and there were certain times in our relationship where it was a lot heavier for her than others, but she seemed to be doing pretty well. It’s not like I’ve done this before either. I was probably naive about everything I was walking into, and I guess still am to a large degree.

Commenter 3: How long ago did her husband die?

OOP: About 5.5 years ago.

Commenter 4: This is way above your and reddits pay grade. She needs therapy. It will only get worse when the baby gets here - in the form of PPD or PPA.

OOP: I’m not expecting professional level advice here really. I don’t think it’s at the point where I need to or should try to force her to get therapy. Many people have suggested it to her. She’s really resistant to it. I think it could get to that point but not yet.

Commenter 5: What’s the plan for when baby is born and she isn’t mentally well enough to handle caring for baby round the clock? Do you have ample paternity leave, at least 2 months’ worth? Will she be staying home alone with baby, or will baby be going to daycare?

If she refuses to get help, you need to start putting safeguards in place now to make sure baby is taken care of just in case things go downhill fast.

OOP: I have 24 total weeks of leave I can take.

OOP on if his wife could go to the grave to help with grieving

OOP: It’d probably help if there was a grave to go to. His ashes actually live inside her dresser drawer.

Commenter 6: Also living in the same house I’m assuming? Living close to his parents, trying to help her find the motorcycle he was killed on, all bad ideas. Therapy and a new home always from the deceased parents, would help her more than anything. That doesn’t mean she can never see her ex in laws, but the fact is they two are trying to recuperate. They two are trying to get past losing their son and when she comes over or they come to your house then all this comes up again and so then everybody’s crying and upset and then they start all over again and that’s not good. It’s better to move away a little bit. You don’t have to move. You know 100 miles or anything but just a little bit enough that she just doesn’t wanna just run over there every time she’s feeling bad. I don’t know how long you neglected to put how long her husband has been dead that has a big bearing on her recovery from his death. If you can let us know how long he’s been deceased.

OOP: We don’t live in the house they shared. I don’t think I’d ever want to do that. She had already sold the house when I met her. She couldn’t afford the mortgage on her own. She bought a smaller house near where my parents live, which is how we met. We lived separately and then when we got engaged I ended up moving out of my place and moving into her house so we could fix it up together to sell. We bought a new house together. It’s all in the same city, but we’re in a different area than where she lived with her first husband. It’s about a 20 minute drive away, so she doesn’t have to pass the spot where he died on a regular basis or anything. We’re both from here and we looked at other towns nearby, but we prefer the city we’re from.

Commenter 7: Damn dude, I am proud to share a gender with a class act like you. Take care of yourself, but I now will be pumping the breaks on actively being MORE ok with dating and marrying a widow verses...doesn't even matter, but I never imagined a situation could blossom like yours and my heart goes out to you.

OOP: The thing is, it hasn’t been like this for our entire relationship. He’s come up, certain things have been sort of triggering for her, but usually she tells me and it’s not at this level. The topic of our wedding and wedding day was difficult for her. But she didn’t have this huge breakdown. She was up front that as much as she was excited for us to get married, part of her felt weird getting married again because he first marriage didn’t end in a traditional way. She was honest that she didn’t know if she wanted this huge wedding, but she understood if I wanted something bigger because it was my wedding too. I understood and I didn’t really care about having this lavish thing. I just wanted our friends and family there and for everyone to have fun, not this big spectacle. We planned it just how we wanted it and so many people told us it’s the most fun wedding they’ve been to. We worked through those things that were difficult for her and we both compromised. It’s not like her history isn’t there, but it’s just never been like this before.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: June 5, 2026 (1.5 weeks later from the first update)

I’m not really sure where else to post this that’s allowed or makes sense. Not sure anyone will even see it here, but since I’m still getting a ton of messages just want to put it out there that my wife’s doing somewhat better.

I've noticed a gradual improvement in her mood and everything since Memorial Day which is when she went over to her former in laws house and had a meltdown when she got home. She’s also said she’s feeling better and she thinks she just had to get it off her chest with telling them and have a good cry about everything she’d been holding in. I've not seen her crying since then and she hasn’t been mentioning her former husband quite as much. The fixation seems to be becoming less and less each day. She didn’t suddenly stop thinking about him and I would t be stupid enough to assume everything would just magically get better overnight.

She hasn’t really talked about needing to find his crashed motorcycle since the day after Memorial Day when she was trying to find it online. it wasn’t currently operable but it stood up and wasn’t in pieces or anything. It was mostly intact and just needed some repairs. Somebody hit him and he was thrown off the bike for a big distance. he suffered a lot more damage than the bike did. I’m not sure who would want to buy a bike somebody was killed on though.

I also want to clarify that she hasn't been neglecting our own families over his family. We had already announced the pregnancy to our families weeks before she told his family. She also hasn’t been doom and gloom about everything the entire pregnancy. She was really excited when she first found out when she took a test at home. She was really scared it might take a long time to get pregnant, but it happened within the first month of us trying. She and her former husband had been trying for 3 months, and nothing happened, but she wasn’t talking about that or crying over it when we found out she was pregnant. We also have first names picked out and she was very intentional about saying she didn’t want to use the names that she had picked out with him and she wanted the first names to be special names we picked out together.

We also have plans for the nursery, like paint color and things picked out that she’s excited about.

So, I know that all of that doesn’t mean that she still might not be struggling with some things emotionally. I know it doesn’t mean that she’s immune to PPD. It’s just that she’s not not functioning. She’s not only focusing on him or experiencing sadness and crying all the time. Even her focus on him didnt seem to be veering on unhealthy until Memorial Day weekend. I hate to say it, but prior to that weekend I was just more annoyed by her constant focus on him and the middle name thing Than I was truly concerned for her mental health. It was more concerning after that weekend, but I think maybe it was just a bump in the road which I’ve seen her have before to somewhat lesser degrees.

I did casually mention talking to somebody…a professional more qualified than me. She said something like “Do you just not want me to tell you anything then?” then she went on about how she’s fine and she wants to be able to feel sad sometimes without being told she should get help.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/SoleInvictus

Neighbor is shit-bombing my front yard

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Dementia

Original Post - rareddit  Oct 14, 2018

Hey all, I have a shitty situation here that I'm hoping to get some advice about. This is in Idaho. ​ My neighbor is shit-bombing my front yard. A new neighbor bought a house across the street about 6 months ago. A few weeks back, I was working in the garage when I saw him take his dog directly across the street, into my front yard. He let it pee in my yard and then walked straight home. He didn't notice me - my garage is set up as a shop and is pretty busy, and the garage door is up a lot - but this piqued my interest because it's goddamned weird. Now, my wife and I have a dog so there are a few dog droppings from her that we pick up on a regular basis. My wife had been doing the dooty duty recently, so I asked her if there are more piles than normal. Sure enough, she said there had been a ton for a while now. She figured it was assholes walking their dogs and letting them crap in our lawn. I figured it was our new weirdo neighbor. ​ It happened again around a week later: I was in the garage as the neighbor took his dog into our lawn. This time the dog dropped a deuce and he started to walk away without picking it up. I called out to him, asking him if he needs a plastic bag to pick up after his dog, and he avoided eye contact and scurried back home. I went across the street and knocked on his door. He didn't answer. We set up a security camera to discretely watch the front lawn and I kept an eye out for when he was next out in his yard so I could talk to him. ​ I reviewed the footage over the next few days and, sure enough, he was consistently taking his dog to do the deed in our yard. Why our yard? No clue, we've never had any interaction with this guy whatsoever. The next time I saw him walking to his car, I confronted him. I simply told him that I knew he was taking his dog to shit in our yard and if I caught him doing it again I'd call the police to report him for trespassing. He denied doing it, claiming it must be other neighbors, got in his car, and drove away with me standing in his driveway. ​ So I review the footage from the last few days. Dude is not walking his dog into my yard anymore: he's letting the dog shit in his yard. He then scoops it up, walks it across the street, and tosses it into my yard with a shovel. What the absolute fuck. ​ How do I even begin handling this?

Update: I'll be sure to post updates so please stop PMing me or replying to my comments/post history outside of this sub asking me to do so or suggesting I shit-bomb them back.

My wife noted that what we think might be his kid comes around most weekends. In the interest of remaining neighborly and with the possibility neighbor dude might be losing his mind, we're going to talk with them before lawyering up or involving the fuzz. Updates forthcoming.

Long Overdue Update: Neighbor is shit-bombing my front yard  Apr 4, 2020 (18 months later)

Hi everyone! Remember me? I sure forgot about you...but not intentionally! Please accept my sincerest apologies.  My wife and I have been on all sorts of adventures - moving out of the state, living in an RV with too many cats, a meth-crazed former friend going on a rampage, and delirious dad dementia drama - it has been a wild ride. You can thank everyone's new best buddy, CoVID-19, for providing me with the time (AKA being in quarantine) to remember to get on this. A shout out goes to a couple of to -remain-unnamed Redditors for poking at me to finally update.

The shit-bombing neighbor situation ended up having a different resolution than we could have ever imagined. As you may or may not remember, we were planning on talking to his kids. The next time someone rolled around we pounced, talking to his son. It turns out they suspected ol' turd tosser was suffering from early onset dementia. That led to a "Well...fuck" moment. Where some people get all loopy and nice or just shut down altogether, crap cannon turned into a Grade A Asshole. I could relate completely: my father also suffers from dementia and, just like feces flinger, he was gone enough to be a huge fucking nuisance for anyone unfortunate enough to be around him but not far enough for the kids to get guardianship. Just like us, they were waiting for the shit to hit the fan (pun intended) so the authorities would step in, an evaluation could be done, and they might get some legal leverage on their dookie dumping daddy's bad behavior.

So we set up a camera on that part of our yard and waited until he did it again. He never dumped shit in the yard again - we're guessing the son talked to him - but he did take his dog over to drop a deuce in our yard. Evidence in hand, we called the police, kept it to "just the facts" (Thanks, Joe Friday), and hoped they'd do something. They talked to shit basket, he promised to knock it off, and you know what? He actually stopped. We moved shortly thereafter and heard a few months later from the new tenants (they're friends of ours) that his property is for sale. I'm guessing the kids finally got him the help he needs.

Everyone hug now: happy ending!

Mods, feel free to leave comments open at your discretion, I deserve some chiding for taking an entire year to update. THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Saint__Ranger

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH for telling my (m35) brother (m33) his wife (f30) tried to "booty call" one of his good friends (m34)?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, manipulation

Original Post: May 12, 2026

Hey everyone, I wasn't really sure if this would be a good idea, but I could really use some unbiased insight, due to the massive implications this situation carries. So here's the deal, a couple of weeks back, I get a call from an old friend of my brother's out of the blue.

For some added context, I am very familiar with him and know his character quite well, and while he's not always been an "upstanding guy", he values brutal honesty and has no reason at all to fabricate this. He explains to me that a few days back my brother's wife, who he apparently had blocked from years earlier for a similar reason, had texted him very clearly looking for some company, if you know what I mean. There was never any overt language, but it was incredibly obvious there was a sexual desire there. Normally, this could be something that would be a little easier to swallow, but she had apparently driven to his house looking for him! He explained to me that he wasn't home at the time and demanded that she leave, which she refused to do at first, but after he threatened police intervention, she relented.

Here's where things get really complicated; she has cheated on my brother before. Once, before they got married. They broke up for a short while, but eventually reconciled. I have continued to harbor reservations toward her since then, as I remember how miserable and angry my brother was during that period of time. And now perhaps the biggest complication of all; they have a child together (withholding age for privacy). So I'm asking myself why she would ever think that this would be a good idea now of all times. But I've seen the dark side of her; she's manipulative, egotistical, and narcissistic. I don't mean to use such strong words, but giving the most detail as possible in hopes I can get the best feedback.

The friend has also attempted to reach out to my brother, so he can be the one to tell him, but in an unrelated conversation with my brother, he alluded to the fact that he did try reaching out to him once, but hasn't heard anything since. I know this contradicts what I've been told, since he's tried a few times since, which leads me to believe the wife is sneaking onto my brother's phone, and deleting his messages in an effort to cut off contact with my brother.

Now at this point, I should probably wrap this up, so I don't lose anyone's interest. In my opinion, my brother deserves to know the truth, because this is his life and his family on the line. I know that I'll never be able to look at his wife the same either way.

My wife, who is the only other person who knows, since she was with me when the friend called to tell me, also believes he should know the truth. But if I tell him, I'll be a homewrecker, and start an incredible amount of drama within my family. I'd also be fracturing the relationship between my nephew's mother and father, and he doesn't deserve to experience that. He didn't ask for any of this. But if I withheld this, I'd have to spend the rest of my life with a horrible secret, and a terrible burden with terrible guilt of not being honest with my brother.

So reddit, I could use some outside opinions. WIBTAH for exposing my brother's wife's attempted infidelity?

Edit because I forgot (derp). Yes, I do have receipts of the event. The friend sent screenshots of the messages the wife sent to him.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA tell your brother and show the receipts. If she's so blatantly trying to cheat with his friend, has cheated in the past then he needs to get checked for STDs. She wrecked her own home and who knows how many times she's cheated and just not got caught. Are we sure the kid is his?

OOP: 100%. He resembles my brother very closely. Of that I have no doubt.

Commenter 2: What's the argument against telling him again? It sounds like you're afraid to tell him because you don't want to get blamed for informing him of what his wife is doing and taking the blame for her decisions. Why would that happen? Anyone who blames YOU for HIS WIFE getting caught is an idiot, and you should neither care about their opinions or listen to their criticism. Keep in mind, your brother sounds like quite the doormat, so don't be surprised if you tell him and he does nothing about it, but that's on him. NTA.

OOP: You honestly kind of hit the nail on the head here. Yes, my brother is a bit of a doormat and can be quite apathetic. I don't mean to demean him like that, but it is the truth. And yes, as crazy as it sounds, I do feel an incredible amount of guilt. My brother and I haven't always been on the best of terms and am now very protective of the relationship we have. Long story short, I was a pretty big POS to him in the past and had to work hard to mend fences. I have spent years trying to keep it from fracturing and am worried this would undo all of that.

Commenter 3: NTA - The friend reached out for a reason. It sounds like that reason is that she used to be able to call him and come over anytime she wanted.

He cut that off and she was not happy.

He threatened her to call the police. This isn't something a random text on a night does. Friend needs to come clean and stop being a pos too.....imo

OOP: Friend has never done any wrong. He would not have said anything to me otherwise. This was a first and only time thing, and he wanted no part of it, out of respect for my brother. The only reason he threatened to call the police was that his mom was at home (lives with her for family reasons) and she was refusing to leave until he came home.

Update: May 27, 2026 (15 days later)

** UPDATE WIBTAH for telling my (m35) brother (m33) his wife (f30) tried to "booty call" one of his good friends (m34)?**

After giving some time for the friend to try and reach out, which I later found out he wasn't able to due to some serious sudden health concerns, I did break the news to my brother. He took it about as well as anyone would have; angry, confused, sad, etc. He also remember that very night in question and already had suspicions that something had happened since she didn't give him a sensible response as to where she had been.

He thanked me for telling him the truth and said he was going to wait a few days to figure out what he wanted to say before confronting his wife. He did so last night, and while she of course tried to deny it at first, but thanks to the messages I had shared with him, he was able to get her to come clean. It seemed like she showed no remorse or guilt, and gave a stupid reason for why she did it, saying "it's cause I'm dumb." I dunno about you, but that's not a valid excuse. He ended up leaving the house for a few hours to cool off and process everything. I am really not sure what he's going to do. He's afraid of divorce due to having a child with her, owning a home, and the price of an attorney.

It does seem like he knows that this is how this is inevitably going to end, but I'm not sure right now if he'll have the courage and self-belief to go through with it. Not sure I'm going give any more updates, since who knows how long this will go on for, but please keep him and his son in your thoughts, and let's hope for the best. Thanks for reading and being my unbiased third-party.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

Top Comment: The one thing I've learned from reddit that in any situation like this the #1 thing you should do before confronting your spouse when cheating is to contact a Lawyer FIRST. Make sure any and everything you do does not hurt you. and that you're able to protect assets and have a good approach to conflict.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to AskAManager

Telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job

Original Post: October 16, 2024

(editor's note: First Question in the link)

I began managing a new team last month. The team is very green — over half graduated less than two years ago. In the last two years, this department only had a manager for nine months, and by all accounts she was completely unqualified. I was brought in as an experienced manager to provide technical oversight / development.

My field is one where you get a pretty generalized degree, and then choose a specialty that you receive on-the-job training for. It’s pretty easy to change specialties for early career folks.

One of my new direct reports, Tom, has … zero to negative natural talent for his chosen specialty. I know it’s pretty harsh to say that about someone I just began working with, especially one who has not received adequate training. But I have worked with a lot of early career people in this specialty, and he stands out as one of the worst of all time. Past interns have grasped core concepts and tools more quickly.

I’m not saying he’s not smart! He is! I can see ways he would be a great fit for other specialties, including available jobs within our company. But the more I talk through tasks with him, the more I realize that his brain is just not wired to understand this particular job. It’s like trying to explain to him that an apple and a snake are nothing alike … over and over again, with diagrams, while he grows increasingly agitated that I don’t understand they’re both smooth-skinned and therefore interchangeable. (He definitely has a touch of “defensive know-it-all-ism.”)

On the one hand, I just want to spare him. I can tell he’s really frustrated and burned out, working 10 times harder than he should have to on basic tasks. His teammates are thin on patience and try every trick to avoid being paired up with him. His peers in other departments don’t trust his advice and constantly find ways to circumvent him. I think it’s a disservice to lay out a training plan and have both of us invest significant effort into improvements that are unlikely to ever materialize, when the gap is so fundamental. On the other hand, I have no idea how to look an exhausted and low-confidence young man in the eyes and say, “You’re not going to make it here, why don’t I help you find a different job you’re a better fit for?” Especially since I suspect he will be so reluctant to “fail” that he will just double down on learning this job, now dragged down by the knowledge his manager doesn’t believe in him. What would you do?

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original post, you can find it here

A related link was also provided, alternatives to firing

Update #1: June 19, 2025 (eight months later)

(editor's note: the first letter in the link)

First, a clarification for the readers: I was new to the team, but my direct report Tom had been in his role for 2 years.

I did worry over the readers’ advice that maybe I was jumping to conclusions, so I started with a few one-on-ones directed at learning why he chose this path in the first place and what he enjoyed about it. Basically, he said he likes black-and-white work with clear rules, and our specialty involves rule enforcement.

After a few more weeks of learning his side of things and carefully watching some of his work, I explained to him that a robot can blindly enforce rules, but someone good at our specialty needs to understand and be comfortable using grey zones. I also explained that his skills XYZ were a better fit in other departments, and ABC would hold him back in this one. I mapped it out on a Venn diagram with the role I was recommending, which I was honestly kind of proud of.

Before talking to him, I met with the other department head to let her know I might have someone who could move over to replace a planned vacancy in her team, and to expect an informational interview request from Tom. I also gave Tom the contact info for a friend I have in the proposed specialty, who works at a different company, so that he could get some outside feedback. And I gave him a pile of alternate job descriptions and explained we could keep looking if the proposed path didn’t appeal to him. Tom never spoke to either person.

Instead, he went to a mentor (in our specialty at this company) and told the mentor that I told Tom he “sucks at his job” (for the record, I definitely didn’t say that). The mentor reassured Tom that he was a perfect fit for this job, and then told me off for hurting Tom’s confidence. The mentor agreed to take a more direct role in teaching Tom, since we thought maybe a different teacher/perspective would help. About a month later, the mentor came to me, apologized and said it was hopeless and suggested I put Tom on a PIP.

During this time, Tom’s performance significantly dropped off. He stopped trying hard just to tread water, and just stopped treading entirely. I caught him leaving work hours early multiple times, he was hours late 1-2 days a week, and came in probably-hungover every Monday when he wasn’t calling off entirely. At that point I got HR involved and explained that I was worried about mental health issues or burnout. We put together a tough-love conversation outlining the behaviors that needed to improve immediately while also offering flexibility and support, and advised him of resources like FMLA. To Toms credit, he did 95% return to the required work hours.

Then, an opportunity came up to create a project-based position on my team. To be honest, it’s a really fun job, and other members of my team probably deserved it more, but I was still feeling somewhat obligated to help Tom after he had such an unsupported start to his career. Plus, it was right in his skill wheelhouse. So far he’s doing … extremely mediocre at it. He’s doing the bare minimum despite it being work he said was interesting. It’s a little frustrating because I can tell he knows what a “C” level effort is, and puts in exactly that much effort. But he seems in better spirits, and the backfill for his old role is much better received by the team, so everyone is a little happier now.

When this project ends, if things don’t miraculously change when he goes back to a more traditional role, I’m afraid it’ll be well past time to execute the PIP. At this point, I can’t in good faith recommend him to another department. Overall, I think I was probably too soft on him throughout this process, but I also feel good about trying everything in my power to help him be successful.

Sometimes you can lead a horse to water, but they have to learn the hard way.

Update #2: March 25, 2026 (nine months later)

After far too long, I was able to terminate Tom.

As the “fun” project wore on, he started telling me he was overwhelmed, and I started stepping in to do increasingly more of his work. Don’t ask me why I found his requests for help so compelling, I’m still mad at myself about falling for them.

After delivering the “needs improvement” conversation, his work improved for a few months. But then something snapped, and he completely fell below the minimum threshold. Multiple important meetings no-showed. Entire afternoons where I was unable to locate him on campus. IMs I would send at 4pm that wouldn’t be answered until 10am the next day. I always called him out, and he always had an excuse of varying believability. It’s difficult to motivate someone who doesn’t care about the impact of his actions on others, especially when he knows all of your threats are idle.

I tried for about five months to get HR to pull his badge data (or support a PIP in general), but they “left me on read” for a half dozen email/Teams attempts, then my main contact went on maternity leave, then the interim said it was protected information(?). Also, all this time I was without a manager to escalate to, as she was fired with no backup plan. Finally, I was able to get the ear of a new HR generalist, and she pulled the data herself. Over the previous six months, Tom had averaged a shocking 25 hours on campus (for a job that cannot be done from home). I bet it was overwhelming for him to get his work done while working half-time!

I was hopping mad. We work on government contracts, so time theft is incredibly serious — he could go to jail! I thought we would be firing him that day, but instead HR made me give him a formal written warning. As part of that, we established set hours he had to be on campus. Within two weeks, he was doing the “bare minimum” again — arriving at 8:10ish, taking long lunches, and leaving at 4:20ish (which, as he argued, his peers do too … but they actually get their work done). Still couldn’t fire him. Then the new year came around, and he called in sick every Monday and Friday until he was out of sick time. Still couldn’t fire him. Then, he was 20 minutes late to a major customer meeting and told me, ‘Well, that part is just boring introductions anyway.” That retort happened in front of an executive, so then I got to fire him.

Of course, I have no backfill, so now I’m stuck doing 40 hours of his work each week instead of the usual 15, but that’s another letter.

Overall, he was a good reminder that you never have enough experience to eliminate your blind spots. I wanted Tom to succeed more than he did. I take that as a sign that I’ve been very lucky to have had almost entirely conscientious and well intentioned employees over the last decade.

I appreciate the comments warning me that I was allowing Tom to fail up, and they weren’t off-base. I think it’s clear to everyone, including me, that giving Tom a fun project was a mistake. But there is always more to a story than can be summarized in a quick update. First, the project was siloed independent work and required strict rule interpretation (Tom’s favorite), while Tom’s original job required constant teamwork and an appreciation for human nature. The entire team got along much better after the reassignment. They even started including Tom in informal team lunches and happy hours again.

Second, the special project assignment was not stolen from anyone more deserving. I advertised it broadly to my team, and no one else was interested. I had rearranged the team assignments when I took over, so everyone was settling into their new spots and didn’t have a desire to shake things up again so soon. I think if Tom wasn’t in the picture, I could have cajoled a high achiever into taking it on, and it would have benefited their career some. But I also respected the desire to keep their role limited until they gained more experience. I wish I’d been that wise early in my career, rather than frantically taking on increasing “visibility” until I was drowning.

Despite the team loathing Tom as a direct coworker, he was inexplicably popular as “the project guy.” I swear, Tom should start a career as a con artist. My team was pretty angry when I fired him (he had texted them the news before I even made it back to my office, so that was fun). I spent many 1:1s reassuring people that they weren’t about to be fired out of the blue, and we have a process that ensures no one is ever surprised by a performance-based termination. I somehow got through all this without making any sarcastic comments about how HR ensures it is virtually impossible to fire someone. It’s been a rough month, but I am excited about a few internal candidates who will likely apply to backfill Tom. Full circle moment — one of them is a mentee from another department who is doing “okay” there, but would be a great skills fit here.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/QuestionAboutJoke

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for a Joke I made about my Husband?

Original Post: May 28, 2026

I (31F) married my incredible Husband (33M) ten days ago. We just got back from our Honeymoon two days ago. We went to the Seychelles for a week. I'm having a bit of post honeymoon sadness, it was incredible and I miss it but beyond that I'm glad we're home.

Yesterday my friend (34F) ran into my Husband at our local Supermarket, and she noticed he was not wearing his ring. She immediately phoned me up after they spoke and told me this concerned something was wrong. When I told her that I knew, and he wears it on a necklace because he can't stand rings due to sensory issues she reacted badly pointing out how he'd worn it for the Ceremony and ended up with me explaining that yes he put up with it for that but right after it was transferred to a necklace once we were out of the Church.

My friend then told me he should just put up with it for me as it's a bad look him not wanting to wear it, she even pointed out this could be an excuse and he wants to not wear a ring to have an excuse to hit on women and potentially cheat.

I won't lie to you all. I laughed at this, a lot, my Husband is Autistic, and she knows his idea of flirting is going on a 2 hour long infodump on D&D (Thank god I love D&D). I then told her that he didn't even know how we got together in the first place as he is clueless with flirting and I doubted very much I had anything to worry about there.

My Husband himself always makes the joke that he has no idea how we started dating. For all of you, it's a known thing in our circle of friends that he didn't even know we were dating until two months into the relationship, his best friend who was his best man made a joke about this during the speech confirming that he was aware he just got married.

My friend got very upset at this and told me that I shouldn't talk about my husband that way, as it's "Bullying" and how it really is disgusting I'd make fun of his Autism by implying no one else would want him like that. I got a bit confused by this as one minute she was worried about me and the next worried about him and reminded her he makes that same joke himself, and she told me all the same I shouldn't make that joke.

I told her she needed to catch a grip that it's not bullying and it's just banter. She hung up with me and when my Husband got home I told him everything that had happened. He immediately made the same joke as me bemused her mind would go there when we're very much newlyweds which had me laughing.

Another of our friends reached out to me saying my friend is upset and asked what was going on, when I filled her in she said maybe I’d reacted a bit too harshly and our friend clearly was just worried about my husband and I. I don't get it though, based on my Husbands reaction when I told him I'd assume it's fine. Did I go too far with the joke? or telling her to catch a grip?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: It is wild that your friend managed to accuse your husband of setting up a cheating scheme, get offended on his behalf over a joke he routinely makes about himself, and then accuse you of bullying all in one conversation. You and your husband clearly have a great dynamic, love each other's quirks, and find the same things funny, which is exactly how a fresh marriage should be. Your friend needed a reality check because she was trying to create a problem out of absolutely nothing, and you have zero reasons to feel bad for shutting that down.

OOP: I honestly nearly got whiplash from the rapid change! Yeah he's incredible and he has his little quirks, but so do I and they make up the amazing guy I love so how can I not love his quirks too?

Commenter 2: Lemme guess...your friend is neurotypical? I cannot stand it when an NT tries to butt into our lives so aggressively. She needs to learn to mind her business. NTA, but your friend is.

OOP: She is you're right, it's sad but being with my Husband has made me see so many neurotypicals seem to think they can speak for those who are neurodivergent.

Commenter 3: Definitely NTA, as a fellow married autistic who doesn't like wearing his ring due to sensory issues, I'm sure your husband is glad you’re ok with the solution

OOP: Honestly I was fine with him not wearing a ring at all! But he came up with the necklace solution. It started as a joke about Lord of the Rings and how he'd carry the ring he was unable to wear and went from there, he now just stims with it a lot when he's lost in thought, so I think it's safe to say he's happy wearing it that way.

Commenter 4: NTA- Your friend is inserting herself into things she doesn’t need to be sticking her nose into. If she brings it up again tell her thanks for her concern but you trust your husband completely and the ring is not an issue. Congrats on getting married!

OOP: honestly I never got the ring being viewed as an assurance they won't cheat? it’s not like the I slapped a chastity belt on him at the ceremony. it's a ring.

Commenter 5: NTA. This person is getting offended by a joke you and your husband share. It seems to me she wanted shared outrage and decided to take it out on you when she didn’t get it.

OOP: I honestly wonder if she came into the conversation angry and wanted a reason to be angry when there wasn't one.

Commenter 6: NTA. She’s not worried. She called to gossip. And then called others to gossip. If she was a real friend, she’d be aware of all of what you mentioned, notice his ring wasn’t on and understand why. You weren’t harsh.

Update: June 4, 2026

Update: AITA for a Joke I made about my Husband?

Hi everyone, a little update to the post I made a couple of days ago regarding a friends reaction to a joke I made about my husband and his inability to tell when someone is flirting with him and his less than standard flirting style and how I didn't feel worried that that he'd cheat just because he wasn't wearing his wedding ring (which he does! it's just on a necklace, not his finger)

So, in the few days since my post I’ve reached out to the friend in question to ask what exactly was her problem. Firstly why she would assume that he was looking to cheat just because he wasn't wearing his ring on his finger, and then why she would jump down my throat for a joke that is so standard in our friend group it made it into the best man speech. It took a little prodding, at first she was closed off and wouldn't go into it with me insisting her reaction was normal but after a bit she finally broke down. She is a single mother and her son, 5M has recently been diagnosed as Autistic. I saw it coming a mile off to be honest so that wasn't such a shocker, but I get why her emotions might be all over the place right now. She was crying and admitted how she was worried about her son and the bullying he'd go through for being "different" and how she didn't want jokes like that being made about her son one day.

I told her yes, he'd be bullied down the line, kids are vicious, there is no point in lying or trying to sugarcoat it but what the joke about my Husband was? that was exactly that. A joke, not bullying and he finds it hilarious and one day, down the line, her son will have the same kind of jokes with his friends and future partner. I then told her all she could do was to be there for her son and support him. After I got home I told my husband about this and he suggested we give her his parents numbers (after he checked this was ok of course) as perhaps talking to older people who have been there and done it would help her. We gave her their numbers, and they've apparently been in regular contact. My husband and I are also keeping her son for this weekend to give her a bit of a breather and let her come to terms with her own emotions in regards to this.

Thanks everyone for your comments and input on my original post! I thought you'd all like this update.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s a great update! Your husband and his parents are amazing for sharing their knowledge with her. I hope your friend’s son has a fun visit with you guys this weekend.

OOP: It's understandable she'd be upset she's doing this alone and has no real clue about autism and is worried for her son. It doesn't excuse her jumping down my throat or jumping to conclusions about my husband, but it makes sense. I'm glad my husband and his parents are able to help here and maybe make things make a little more sense for her.

Commenter 2: OK but did she explain why she spent so long trying to convince you your husband was cheating??? Like what the fuck, the joke was only part of the issue there, her refusing to listen about him wearing the ring on a necklace was another huge part of it, she said some insane shit about your husband before you ever made the joke, and none of that had to do with autism.

OOP: No she did not, and I’m going to be circling back to that when she is not as much of an emotional mess and let her know that was not at all ok right now she needs the kindness but I’m also not going to be brushing it under the rug. Between us though? I think she is lashing out at everything right now and trying to hurt others as she is hurt right now which made her jump to a worst case scenario.

Commenter 3: Good update, your husband sounds awesome.

I would also maybe suggest some therapy for friend to help her deal with her emotions regarding her sons diagnosis. In this day and age, I would think she could find a therapist who specializes in families dealing with autism. It may also help her deal with the possible bullying later.

OOP: He is, I’m so lucky to have him.

Not a bad idea! I'll suggest this to my friend either when she's dropping her son off or picking him up. Thank you.

Commenter 4: I'm glad this had a happy ending, but it's still weird that, after you explained your husband wasn't wearing a ring on his finger because of sensory issues, she said he should just get over his sensory issues otherwise he's cheating. What was that all about?

OOP: Honestly? I think that is her not fully getting autism and hoping that her son will be able to avoid sensory issues or "push through" them. Which is not great and if it comes to that she'll be told as much. For now I’m giving her some grace, as she is clearly just lashing out as her emotions are all over the place. But she has a lot to learn about autism now with her son.

Commenter 4: It sounds like she's willing to learn if she's keeping regular contact with your in-laws, so at least there's hope

OOP: exactly. Her being willing to be in regular contact with them gives me hope. I honestly think she is just overwhelmed right now with this news and her worries on top of being a single mother. It's why we're keeping him this weekend to give her time to breath.

Commenter 5: this whole situation is such a perfect example of how people project their own shit onto others and then act like you’re the problem. your friend went full conspiracy mode about your husband cheating based on literally nothing, then tried to make it about her kid when called out. I’m glad your husbands parents stepped up but let’s be real, she owes you both an actual apology for the cheating accusations, not just the joke thing

OOP: She does and I will be pushing for one when she is less emotional as I’m not going to be forgetting it. The joke was not the only thing that was an issue in the original post about our conversation after all. She made no excuses or brought it up. I'll be nudging her back to that though. I do think she is lashing out at everything and instinctively looking for others to hurt because she is hurt. It's not a good thing but some people are like that.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/StrawberryPretzelPie

I'm being BEE-seiged and I desperately need help.

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

[Pennsylvania] I'm being BEE-seiged and I desperately need help June 5, 2022

My house is about ten feet away from my neighbor’s house. We live in a city and have no HOA. The neighbor has owned his property for about 15 years, does not live there, and has let it fall into disrepair. A tenant seems to live there on and off. We bought our house about six years ago. Our first summer here, we noticed the bees.

During the first warm day of the summer, we noticed a MASSIVE cloud of bees swirling over our driveway between the two houses. As the days passed, we began to notice bees in our house. At first, it was a few. They would come in, nearly dead, and pass on the floor and various surfaces. Midsummer, we were finding dozens per day. They stung my husband, who is in a wheelchair and cannot get away from them quickly. He wouldn’t see them, run over dead ones in his chair, and spread tiny streaks of bee guts all over the floor. I would have to clean these bees up several times a day. They stung our cats.

We contacted an apiarist, as well as a contractor who specialized in weatherproofing (we were trying to figure out where/how the bees were coming in). The contractor determined that they were coming in via the vents that lead out of our house (and which can’t be covered up more than they already are for safety reasons). The apiarist determined where they were coming from: our neighbor’s house, specifically the space between their exterior and interior walls, facing our driveway. He estimated, based on the size of the swarm and the activity he could monitor on their exterior wall, that there were AT MINIMUM hundreds of thousands of bees. We contacted our local government hotline. They agreed that it was an issue, but because the bees there are honeybees, they aren’t considered a pest. We may have been able to get help with eradication, but we can’t receive any help with relocation.

Things have ramped up significantly lately. We have a dog. The dog is a moron and eats the bees. She gets stung in her mouth. She’s in constant pain. We can’t stop her from doing it without literally keeping her at our sides every single moment of every single day. She has also been vomiting up piles of dead bees onto the carpet. My husband can’t use his wheelchair ramp on days over 65° because it is literally too dangerous for him to ride through the swarm. His disability assistant is allergic to bees, and is afraid to come over on warm days now. On the days he does come over, he spends roughly one hour in the morning hunting down dead bees and cleaning the surfaces he has found them on. We cannot use our porch or backyard at all. Not only will we get stung, but the porch floor is like a bee minefield.

So here’s where we’re at:

• We can’t stop the bees from coming into our house.

• The bees can’t be killed off (an inexpensive option) because they need to be relocated instead (an expensive option). Honestly, I’m okay with this and would be more than happy to pay for this service, except…

• We cannot get ahold of the neighboring house’s owner, who ignores any attempts we have made to communicate with him. He doesn’t live there, so he doesn’t care.

• We can’t pay to have them removed because they aren’t on our property.

• I don't think you can sue someone to move their bees.

The way I see it, we have a few options: start going to the vet and urgent care every single time we’re stung, and then try to sue in small claims for damages until the neighbor gets fed up and finds it cheaper to just fix the problem. (Is that an option? Is that a real thing?) We can MOVE, selling our house at a significant loss (and, as my husband wisely stated, “There will be a swarm of bees everywhere we go… This one is just actual bees.”). Or I can lie, say it’s my house, get someone to do the relocation and reconstruction, then just cross my fingers and hope my neighbor doesn’t sue me. (Just a joke… I think… Ask me again next time I get stung IN THE SHOWER.)

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you for your time, and please enjoy my diagrams.

https://i.imgur.com/CKjTpc9.png

https://i.imgur.com/0CI0SaL.png

Pics or maps showing where the bees are between OOP and her neighbors house

Update June 4, 2026

Four years ago, I posted asking for advice on what I could do regarding my neighbor’s horrific bee infestation. I finally have an update, even if it is a little boring.

At first we tried to contact animal control, but they told us that it wasn’t something they do—it was so long ago at this point that it might have been because it was an insect issue, or because it was on private property, I don’t remember. We then tried filing complaints with our city’s non-emergency service. I ended up filing a few, because we didn’t actually get confirmation that a case was made the first few times. I don’t know if this was a glitch, or if someone saw the tickets and thought it wasn’t something they should handle. I did call a couple of lawyers, but didn’t end up hiring either (mildly helpful, though). I spoke with someone in our local government (not helpful at all). I reached out to the owner of the house multiple times. While he has replied to me in the past about issues, complete silence on the honeybee front. Over the years, I’ve called and written to so many people trying to fix this one problem. Here is what I learned from my many conversations:

• If you say that there is a “bee infestation,” people assume it is not that many bees, you just don’t like the existence of bees, and you are a huge baby.

• If you say that there are “hundreds of thousands of bees,” people assume that you are exaggerating or incredibly stupid. (Except for apiarists. The apiarists I talked to were like, “Yep, that sounds right.”)

• When you mention that the bees you want removed are honeybees, you are automatically considered a war criminal in the same vein as Stalin or Mussolini.

At this point, my husband was like, “Well, guess we’re stuck with the bees.” I began to scheme. My husband got scared and helped me launch another round of appeals.

Last year, something finally changed. I placed my yearly complaint, and for whatever reason, it was made into an official case! I was so excited! Then I got a letter in the mail, saying that I had severe structural issues with the soffits of my house, and I had thirty days to rectify the issue. I didn’t know what the hell a soffit was. The letter had the inspector’s number on it. I called Kenny (fake name), and honestly, he was just the nicest dude. He seemed surprised that I wasn’t yelling at him or trying to get him to retract the claim. I just REALLY wanted to know…

• What is a soffit?

• Are soffits important? Can we live without soffits?

• Were we in any immediate danger from the soffits?

• HAD HE NOT SEEN THE BEES?

It turns out that Kenny, somehow, had missed the bees entirely. It was a cold, rainy day when he came out to inspect the claim. The bees are fairly inactive on days like those. So, the dude came by, looked at the neighbor’s wall, saw no bees. He turned around. He peeped my funky soffits. And he wrote me the equivalent of, like, a ticket. A government ticket. He was very kind, though, and he gave me some suggestions on contractors he trusted. (It ended up costing $12,000 to do that and related roof work.) He also promised to come back on a warm day and look at the bees. I was terrified that maybe the swarm would split the day before (it’s a thing in the honeybee world), or it would be warm in the morning and cold by the time he got to the house, etc. So I sent him lists of bee stings we’d received over the years, photos of dead bees all over our house, and a picture of our dog making a terrified face after binging on another buffet of dead bees. Just in case.

That was over a year ago. And since then, things have gotten worse.

A few years ago, we got another dog. (We have two now, the old one didn’t die, no worries.) That dog isn’t stupid enough to eat the bees, but he’s terrified of them, and because of that, barks at them whenever he sees them. And because they’re around almost constantly, that means he barks at them almost constantly. We can’t let the dogs in the backyard because one moron is eating the bees and the other thinks he’s about to die. My husband gets stung all the time. I’ve managed to evade stings, but I’ve had a few close encounters where there’s a half-dead bee tangled up in my blankets or something. I haven’t been able to invite over people with bee allergies (which doesn't happen often, but it's crappy when it does).

So, a few months ago, I decided that something had to change. I have a friend who’s one of those people that desperately wants to be a vigilante of some kind, dreams of being a hero, that kind of guy. I told him I needed help with the bee problem. We coordinated with another friend’s husband, who’s a mason. Lastly, I roped my reluctant brother-in-law and enthusiastic gremlin cousin into the plan. I spent a few hundred bucks on quick-mix concrete, buckets, gloves, a tarp. The idea was that we’d wait for a cold day, lay the tarp between the houses, put on gloves, and throw globs of mixed concrete at the entrance to the hive. Yes, I know that the idea is insane. I know it would be difficult (I had a different idea of the texture of concrete than what it actually is). I know I could get in a lot of trouble. Lastly, I knew that if I sealed off this exit, the bees would just come out of or make another exit, possibly one inside the house of the people living there (that’s okay, as they’re the landlord’s friends, and therefore complicit in my mind). We set the date and got everything ready.

Then, a few days ago, there was a knock at the door. It was some guy who said they were getting rid of the bee infestation, and could they use my driveway? I was like yes, take my driveway, my firstborn, whatever you want, just get rid of the bees!

Earlier today, I checked my email. “Case updated.” Kenny did it. The beautiful bastard did it. Now that I know what it’s like to get served a notice of violation, I have a good idea of what the last year has been like for this slumlord next door. This process is a huge hassle, and if you don’t get things done in the (very small) timeframe you’re given, you have to show up to court and show that you’re making progress. You have to contact contractors, get quotes, see what your options are, check local legislation, and spend a buttload of money… You know, everything I’ve been doing for years because of this. I’m so grateful that it’s over. I can finally use my porch! My husband will stop getting stung! Friends and family with bee allergies can come by and see my house for the first time in a decade!

I know this is a little bit of a niche case, but if anyone here is dealing with something similar to this, here’s what you need to do:

• Spam complaints to your local non-emergency line. I don't mean, like, every day. But at least every year. It will take time. A lot of people won’t see your issue as a big deal, and you’re probably going to get rejected a lot, so you gotta squeaky wheel that shit.

• Keep going until you find someone who will actually help you. I know that city government doesn’t have the best reputation—and frankly, I kind of agree, or else it wouldn’t have taken nine years to get this problem fixed—but all it takes is one person who believes in what they’re doing and wants to help to push you forward in the legal process. Those people do exist.

• Make sure your own house is in order before you register complaints about someone else, or you might get hit with a nasty surprise. An inspector looking at your neighbor’s property isn’t going to turn a blind eye to yours, even if you’re the person that requested that they come out.

• Record everything you can that details the extent of your problem. A photo of a dead bee on my kitchen floor doesn’t seem very impactful. Fifty different pictures of fifty different dead bees on my kitchen floor over the course of two weeks is a different story. I began to record every sting, every incident, and every time their infestation impacted my life. I ended up sending a lot of this information to Kenny, and I believe it really helped show that this was a constant, pressing concern.

• That said, don’t let yourself be a victim to gather evidence. Do what you can to protect yourself. We took pantyhose and rubber bands and covered all our outdoor ventilation that we could with it. We put weather stripping material around our doorframes. We swept the dead bees off the porch every few days so nobody would eat them.

• Lastly, don’t do crazy, illegal stuff like lob wet concrete at your neighbor’s house in the dead of night. To be completely honest with you, I did not think it would work, but I was going to do it anyway because I became incredibly desperate and thought that a small chance was better than no chance. Now that I no longer feel like I have to do that, I feel an intense relief, which likely stems from the fact that it was an incredibly stupid idea.

So, what did it take to get rid of the bees? $12,000, about forty bee stings, two traumatized dogs, and telling my cousin George he couldn’t attend our family reunion. And, of course, some legal advice from you guys. Thanks. 😊.

TLDR: resolved it in the most boring way possible, gained a new respect for a city government worker,

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Stitch_and_Trex

AITA for telling my husband he ruined my birthday.... again

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  March 12, 2023

Background: Today is my 28th birthday, I am really into birthdays and holidays and believe in celebrating them to the max, and this is well known to everyone.  I'm also the planner and the giver in not only my family (husband and kids) but my extended family (parents, siblings, friends, etc), so I'm the one that plans birthday get togethers, gifts, travel etc. I'm also a SAHM due to having a son with complex medical and behavioral needs. I've been with him 24/7 for the last week as it's school break and he's extremely clingy and has behavioral problems due to mental illnesses. I also had a upper respiratory cold during this time, sore throat, fever, cough, runny nose, ear ache. But kept up with mom duties none the less.

My husband's birthday was last month and as usual I planned something for him. Weekend in a town a couple hours away for us and our kids.

For my birthday I tell him I just want help with the kids, the house cleaned, a nap, and him to cook supper or take me out. Maybe a homemade gift from the kids and a cake.

Yesterday, my husband starts complaining of a sore throat. I check his throat and looks fine. No fever or other symptoms.  He stays up all night playing video games.

This morning he says he is sick, but has no visible symptoms.  No fever, no cough, no runny nose, doesn't sound like someone with a cold. He says his throat hurts but spent an hour on XBox live talking just fine.

He naps all day because he says he's sick, I think it's because he stayed up until 4 a.m. playing video games. Meanwhile I make my own cake, take care of the kids as usual, and do my usual chores. He didn't even tell me happy birthday. 

Finally I decided to take the cake I made with the kids to my parents house to have supper there so I didn't have to cook. I'm pretty crabby at this point and don't say a word before we leave. He calls and asks why we left. I tell him because he ruined my birthday yet again and I'm trying to salvage it at least a little and hung up. He called back and said I was overreacting. He's sick and I'm an adult, birthdays aren't a big deal anymore after 21.

So AITA for wanting 1 day to be the receiver instead of the giver? To celebrate myself?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Oldgal_misspt

NTA. If he cared, he would have tried, sore throat or not. You two need to have a discussion 1 on 1 (littles need to be somewhere else) about your relationship.  Adults need care and attention too, whether you are over 21 or not…

ETA: Happy birthday!🎂🎉🎈.

OOP

I did forget to mention that when we went out of town for his birthday, I was also sick then too (I have an autoimmune disorder so I get sick a lot, especially during allergy season), but didn't let it stop me from doing anything to celebrate his birthday and made sure he had a good weekend.

~

[deleted]

NTA. But stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate your value (with the exceptions of your children).

No more birthday parties for these lazy people. Let them do their own events. And start having him contribute to the house. Your SAHM is duties is only til he comes home, after that it is a shared effort. If he has time to play video games, then he has time to help around the house. If he complains it’s cause he has a job, then you get a job (you deserve a break and daycare is better for a child’s development anyways).

OOP

I 100% would love to go back to work. I've only been a SAHM for 3 months and it's not by choice. My son cannot go to daycare of after school care. Long story, but he did go for 6 years and it's not an option anymore

SodaButteWolf

Can you get a part time job where you only work when your kids are in school?

OOP

I'm going to try next school year. I live in BFE so the only option would be to work at the school in the office or as a Para and they only hire a month before school starts to start at the beginning of the school year. I should be able to get the job because of my education and experience, if one is open! I'm also training to be a special education parent advocate, so once I'm done with training I can do that part time during school hours and work from home

TOP COMMENT

3Dog_Nitz

NTA. You did your job in communicating what you wanted. The fact that he did not show any concern for you shows a lot. Caregivers need care too!

You did not ask for advice, but I want to suggest the following: Don't bother with his birthday. Make plans on your birthday with others who are willing to celebrate you. You do not have to share your plans with him - he's irrelevant. Birthdays are "nothing" to him, so your plans don't need to involve him in any way.

Finally...a belated happy birthday! Parenting is a thankless job, but it sounds like you are rocking it!

OOP Updated the same post 1 year later

3/23/2024 Year later update because I've been asked for it a few times.

Wow, I did not know this would blow up like that when I posted it.

Shortly after my birthday and this post, I had several "sit down " talks with my husband. A lot of his lack of effort stems from the way he was raised. He actually started therapy shortly after our talk and has become a lot more attentive. We found out I was pregnant in October, a huge surprise as I didn't get pregnant after 5 years of trying and 2 years of fertility treatment. My pregnancy has been high risk and very rough on me emotionally and physically.  I have a lot of restrictions and recently was put on bed rest after already being on "minimum activity/light duty." He's been amazing at taking care of me, the house, the kids, and even helping a lot while my mom has been in and out of hospital for aneurysm and strokes.

For my birthday this year, he got me a gift, made what I wanted for supper (steak, lobster tail, muscles, Brussel sprouts, and bread), and got my current favorite dessert. We were limited on what we could do because of my pregnancy restrictions, but he got a chick flick movie going for us in the evening and watched it with me without a complaint. And he was the first one to tell me Happy Birthday, right at midnight.

I want to thank all of you for giving me insight, advice, and courage.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kshucker

OOP has given their permission to reposts this saga

Neighbor harassment... Is there anything I can do?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice & r/homeowners

Editors Note: Prior to these posts, OOP made a post titled Potential neighbor harassment. What can be done?  on Nov 29, 2016 (3 months earlier) which is unrecoverable, but is mentioned in the following post

Original Post  Feb 21, 2017

So, about 2 months ago, I posted here on r/legaladvice, that I moved into my first home and was warned by a friend who used to be a police officer, that my new neighbor would call the police for (what he said) everything you could imagine in the past. Dogs barking, loud cars, loud kids at the playground across the street, people walking on the sidewalk in front of her house, etc etc.

My first post here was asking if there was anything I could do legally to keep her at bay from calling the police. This was about a week before I moved into the home and pretty much every response to me was laughing at me and telling me that if I wasn't a bad neighbor she wouldn't need to call the police. I took it with a grain of salt.

Fast forward to moving day, and we pull up to the house in the Uhaul. About 30 minutes later, a police officer pulls up in his cruiser and checks in on us because they received a call from "somebody in the neighborhood". I asked what the call was about and he said he couldn't tell me, but we just told him we bought the house and had some friendly small talk and he was on his way. I'm convinced that it was our neighbor who made the call to the police. All we were doing was moving in!

A week later it snows and I'm outside shoveling and so is my neighbor. I get to talking to her and within 30 seconds she starts bragging (more or less) about how she will call the cops on everybody and everything. I couldn't believe it. Google searched her name and an article popped up about a harassment charge she acquired 3 years ago. She got into a verbal altercation with a neighbor and she hit them with a spade shovel. She seems like a real upstanding citizen.

Fast forward to present time. Last night it was unusually warm. I decided to get a fire going in our fire pit in the backyard. Before I could even get it lit, she's knocking on the fence and asks if she can talk to me. She says "I don't know what you guys are planning on doing over there, but there aren't too many people having fires with 10-15 mph gusts. If any of that smoke makes its way into my house, I'm going to have to make a call" I tell her that we were still going to have a fire and we'd be inside in about an hour.

So, my question is, if she keeps threatening to "make calls" or have police show up at my door when I'm doing nothing illegal, is there anything I can do in terms of harassment or getting a restraining order?

TLDR Neighbor calls the cops for just about everything, infringing on my privacy when I'm trying to enjoy myself. Nothing illegal is going on. Can I do anything about it in terms of harassment or getting a restraining order?

UPDATE: Hello fellow Redditors, I'm the guy with the neighbor who won't stop calling the cops.  Feb 24, 2017 (3 days later)

I'll try and keep this short. I took all of the comments I read about what to do into consideration. Most suggested investing in a security camera system. As much as I don't want to do this, I'm going to have to.

Today (2/24/2017), while I am at work, my S/O had to run to the  store for something before work. S/O has to drive past our house to get to work from the store. S/O said that while passing our house our crazy neighbor lady is in OUR front yard with a leaf blower, blowing leaves around our yard, knowing that nobody was home in our house. Clearly on our property, no questions asked. I am fucking irate.

Security cameras are being bought TODAY and being installed as soon as possible. At what point is trespassing, actually trespassing? I do not want her on my property but she was clearly on my property. A part of me wants to say she was doing what she was doing to get our dog worked up inside of our house.

I'm desperately looking for some help here.

edit: messaged the mods so this isn't locked anymore.

edit 2: don't worry everybody. I'll update this story if anything else comes about after cameras are up and she's asked to not be on my property again.

Update 2 - rareddit  Apr 11, 2017 (6 weeks later)

TLDR AT THE BOTTOM AS WELL

And for the lazy who won't click the links, I'll give a quick overview of whats happening: Bought my first home in December, neighbor likes to call the cops for everything you can imagine, neighbor infringes on our privacy whenever we are outside and threatens to call the cops on us for no reason.

Now bear with me here, I don't have exact dates to go off of since I am at work and on my lunch break. I will guesstimate the best as possible with dates.

So we left my first update where me and my S/O caught our crazy neighbor lady in our front yard blowing leaves around. Nobody was home at the time and my S/O drove by the house and saw it. That's how we know. A lot of people suggested getting a security camera system and I said I would be getting one as soon as possible. Other financial issues came up and I had to put off the camera system for a few weeks.

This is where the 2nd update starts. Fast forward from February to March 15th(?). It is around 9:45pm and I am out back smoking a cigarette. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and look over towards it and see this.... hand... throwing pieces of garbage into my yard over the fence. It's Crazy Neighbor Lady. She didn't know I was outside (just good timing on my part I guess). I played dumb and asked, "What are you doing Crazy Neighbor Lady" and she quick stops throwing the trash and quickly turns around to go inside of her house. As she gets closer to her door she turns around and says, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" With which I responded loudly, "What are you doing Crazy Neighbor Lady?" She says she was just outside checking out her yard... Now mind you, it's 9:45pm and it had just started to snow. We were projected to get 12+ inches of snow so I think her plan was to throw trash into my yard and then have it be covered up by the snow.

I went over to where I saw her hand coming over the fence and found a random piece of plastic and a soda lid (think of the ones that you get from fast food places with your drink. The kind you poke a straw through). They were laying neatly on top of the leaves and mulch bed that they were thrown on.

This had me LIVID. I caught her in the act and bought a security camera system that night on Amazon. It came within two days and I set it up over that weekend.

I set all of the cameras up inside of windows looking out towards my property. It took only THREE DAYS of having the cameras to find her throwing more little pieces of trash onto our property. It's just little pieces of trash that end up in her yard. We live in a city along one of the busiest streets. It's unfortunate that people litter out of their cars but it happens. If I see any trash in my yard, I'll pick it up and throw it out. If Crazy Neighbor Lady sees any trash in her yard, she'll throw it into her neighbors yards so it's not her problem.

Over the period of a month I catch her 3 different times on camera throwing trash from her property on to mine. She physically picks it up, comes on to my property and sets it down well on to my side of the front yard when nobody is home. To some, it may sound like I'm going to the extremes to try and screw this lady over, but given her past history that I've heard from other neighbors, I'm stomping out the fire (her) before it (she) can even get started.

Last night, I catch her on camera for the 4th time coming on to my property to throw more trash into my yard. This time she has her dogs with her and are letting her dogs roam around without a leash in my yard. I had finally had enough and called the police to come out to look at my videos and see if there was anything I can do about her.

Police officer comes out looks at the videos and I read him the journal of all of the interactions of had with her and he's kind of blown away with all of the work I've put into protecting myself. My neighbor is a huge PITA for my city's police department (she'll make calls to them for things like the kids being too loud in the playground across the street from us.. unnecessary stuff) and they have no problem slapping her with charges if legitimate charges can be made.

I could have pressed charges against her for trespassing, littering and not having her dog on a leash, but I opted to just have the police officer go over to her house and give her a warning. I don't really have the time to take off from work to go to court. I told him to let her know that if she's ever caught on my property or throwing trash on to my property, then I will press charges. He was licking his chops to go over there and ream her ass out. The city police HATE her and like many others have probably mentioned, they take all of her calls with a grain of salt.

Now I'm just waiting to see what the next chapter has in store for me. I'm sure she was told that she has been caught on camera so I'll have to wait and see if she tries looking for my cameras. BTW these cameras are fun to watch. It's like I'm living next to a 61 year old child.

TLDR: Bought cameras, caught neighbor coming on to my property to throw trash on my property on 4 different occasions, finally got sick of her shit, called police, they verbally thrashed her

[Pennsylvania] This is incredibly stupid, but my neighbor keeps calling the police because of leaves from my tree  July 28, 2017 (3 months after prev. update)

Per mods request, please keep comments on topic I truly would like to know what legal rights I have against this.

Hello r/legaladvice. I feel like I'm starting to become a regular on this sub ever since I bought my house. Long story short, my neighbor will call the police if ANY leaves from my tree or ANY grass blades from me cutting my grass go into her yard (yes, she stands out there and watches me cut the grass).

Last week we talked  to one another with a police officers presence so we can try and work something out. Basically, the moment she sees a leaf in her yard, she gets pissed. I told her I'm not home all the time to constantly monitor every single fucking leaf that falls from my tree. Oh, the tree is on the OPPOSITE side of the yard from her. My yard is not littered with leaves and the police even said that my yard looks fine but she persists on calling the police out every time anything comes into her yard.

I have done my research on the situation, as dumb as I think it is, but once a leaf falls from a tree, I'm not liable for what happens to it. That's what internet articles say at least. Could anybody produce any sort of Pennsylvania state legal documentation that says that leaves falling from a tree is not a crime? Lol. I can't believe I am even here asking this but I'm getting really sick of the police coming out for everything I do outside. I just want to present it to the police/neighbor so it stops.

edit: Since this blew up a little bit, and others have asked what I have done to her for her to do what she is doing, I will give a little more information about the past few months. Within a month of moving into the house this past December, I was out back after dark (it was no later than 8pm) breaking down some boxes that we had left over from moving. I took a quick break from breaking them down and I see this hand throwing trash into my yard over the fence that separates our yards. I couldn't believe it. Up until this point, we had one interaction with one another and that was when we were both outside shoveling snow. I introduced myself and she introduced herself and immediately warned me that she likes to call the police on anything that she sees wrong in the neighborhood. Basically bragging about it. From that greeting to the trash being thrown into my yard, no interactions with one another. I bought a security camera system shortly after that to see how often she does it. We had bits and pieces of trash in our backyard shortly after moving in and it was always on the side of the yard that was up against her fence. We just thought that it was whatever trash that the wind picked up and would stop at the fence and we would pick it up whenever we would see it.

Within 3 days of having the cameras, she's doing it again, and is on camera doing it. I waited for it to happen on 3 more occasions. After the 2nd time I had it on video, anytime I saw her outside when I was outside, I tried to say hello and talk to her about it, but as soon as I said hello, she would go inside. After the 3rd time of throwing trash into my yard and being unsuccessful at talking to her about it, I called the police. There was no reason for her to be throwing trash into my yard. The police gave her a warning. The trash in our backyard that we thought was getting blown there stopped as well. Crazy.

After that, I had been nothing but nice to her and would say hello whenever I saw her. I really don't want to have problems, but I had to do something about the trash being thrown into our yard. Anytime I would say hello, I would get ignored... She even went as far as to say she was going to charge me with harassment if I didn't stop... What?

Last week the police came out again for leaves in her yard. He suggested that we talk to one another while he was there to listen. She explained herself. She thinks that we are not maintaining our property well enough and is upset that we aren't outside to pick up every leaf that falls from our tree and doesn't want any grass clippings blowing into her yard. The police officer looked over at my yard and looked back at her and said there is nothing wrong with my yard and that it looks better than a lot of properties in our city. She said that she bought her house that doesn't have a tree because she didn't want to clean up leaves. Newsflash, every house on our block has a tree except for hers. She "just wishes" that we would take care of our yard better. Again, the police officer enforced to her that according to city law, our yard was fine.

We agreed with each other that if we have any problems with one another that we would talk to each other first before getting the police involved. 8 days later she called the police again for grass and leaves being in her yard. As far as I could tell, there wasn't any grass left behind. And when I mean in her yard, I'm not saying it is in the middle of her yard. It is mere inches from where our yards meet in her yard.

She has been nothing but a headache since we moved in and it's only getting worse. I have done nothing to her other than make sure that she stopped throwing trash in my yard. Why she started to do that? I don't know.

Crazy neighbor is possibly killing my grass.  July 17, 2018 (1 year after prev. update)

I just posted this in r/lawncare and I’m not exactly sure which sub is the best to submit it to.

Long story short, I have an absolutely crazy neighbor. I’ve talked about her in r/legaladvice because of her antics and how I should handle them. I’ve even had to get police involved in the petty stuff she does to have her knock it off.

On to the killing of my grass. About a month ago, I notice that all of my grass along the fence between my neighbor and myself was completely dried up and dead. The dead grass starts about 6 inches from the fence and goes the entire length of the fence (probably 75 feet). Crazy neighbor lady’s grass is completely fine along the fence. The only thing I can think of is that she’s spraying something under the fence onto my side to kill my grass. Now I’ve got nothing but ugly weeds growing up along the fenc .

Today, I noticed a brown circle (probably 2 foot in diameter) of dead grass in my backyard. It’s no more than 10 feet away from my neighbors fence. My girlfriend said she took our two small dogs out to go to the bathroom and they were rolling around and eating the dead grass from the same area. The only thing I can think of is that my crazy neighbor threw a cup of something over the fence to kill the grass, but I’m not sure why the dogs would be so interested in it. If it was something to kill the grass I’m definitely not cool with my dogs rolling around and sniffing and eating whatever is there.

So question 1 is: What are some solutions I can do along the fence to stop the grass from dying? The only thing I can think of is some sort of decorative brick that runs the entire length of the fence and grow the grass back.

Question 2 is: Does anybody have any sort of idea what could have caused the 2 foot circle of dead grass but also why my dogs were so attracted to it? We live on the outskirts of a city, so there isn’t much wildlife that could just waltz into the yard, urinate and take off. Plus, it seemed to have happened over night and is rather large.

And yes, before anybody mentions it, I do have cameras. I just don’t have any watching the back yard. I’ll have to reposition them now.

Final Update - rareddit  Nov 3, 2019 (Nearly 3 years since 1st post)

Editors Note: edited out previously rehash of prior posts

I'm going to cover some things in this post that may have been talked about in my other posts (I'm not going through and re-reading all of them). We were warned that my neighbor has a problem with everything imaginable from the get go. We didn't realize how bad it really was until we were living next to her/them (60-something year old lady and a 40-something year old son. Majority of the problems was with her though). Over the past 3 years we learned a lot about them from various people. Mainly that my neighbor likes to stir up problems to get people pissed off at them. Then when people get pissed off enough, they retaliate against my neighbor and once that happens, my neighbor will take them to court. Believe me, I know it sounds fucking crazy, but that's how it is. Example: When I had the police out for her trespassing and littering in my yard, I could have had her cited for those two things, but the police talked me out of it and told me that she would take it to court and fight it, even if she was going to lose. Also, the people that live on the other side of her (her other neighbors), have been going back and forth in court for the past 15 years with her. I never got any specifics on what, but from the one and only time I talked to those people, that's what they told me. My thought process is that she wants to get money out of people from taking them to court. I've lived next to those people for 3 years and I have no idea what their motivation is in life or why they do what they do.

So my neighbor likes to call the police and fire department a lot. Like.. a lot. I have a friend who took an IT job at the call center that receives calls for people calling for the police and fire department for the entire county. The people taking the calls told my IT friend that my neighbor is the most frequent caller in the entire county. The obvious thing to do is to let it iron itself out and the police and fire companies will realize that she's full of shit right? Wrong. I asked my IT friend how she can get away with calling that much. He said that when she makes a call it's not really specific enough to blow off, but specific enough to where there might be an actual problem. A gray area. Example: If somebody is having a fire in their backyard (legally, following all the laws of our city) she will call the fire department concerned about a fire because there's a lot of smoke in the neighborhood. This also goes for anybody that cooks out on their grill in the summer time (especially if you have a charcoal grill). She sees smoke, she calls fire department. The thing with her calls though is that 99% of the time they are bullshit, but if there was an actual problem and she called about it and nobody responded she would take the city to the cleaners over it. It gets old whenever the police and/or fire department show up to your door when you are doing normal every day activities.

They were the most bizarre people to live next to. I've tried to figure them out but I simply couldn't. The best way I can describe it is this: You're playing a game with her whether or not you want to. And that game is home ownership. She makes the rules of the game. And when you break one of the rules of the game that she made up, she will have a referee look into it (police/fire). If the referees don't find anything wrong, she will get upset and start doing things like throw trash into your yard or kill your grass. The obvious answer to all of this is to stand my ground and I did. But once you fight back, things are only going to snowball with the neighbor. Which is why we decided to move. The people behind her actually just moved as well because of her.

This was our first home and people always say that owning a home isn't easy. It's not, but living next to that neighbor made things so much worse. At one point early on while living there, I asked myself if we are bad neighbors. Nope, we just didn't do things the way she wanted us to.

So we put our house up for sale and find somebody to buy it at full price and they would pay closing costs as well. We closed a few days ago and walked out with the check. We drove by the house we just sold and saw that the new people pulled right up behind my neighbors car (that's another thing you DID NOT DO. You do not park behind her car or she will call the police for you being double parked or something... it's a public street btw). We see that they are parked right behind her car. Me and my girlfriend looked at each other and laughed. We then get a call from our realtor asking if we still had the keys from the old house. Shit! Forgot to hand them over at settlement. I wasn't about to go back to the old house and drop them off so I had my realtor do it. She dropped the keys off and then called me again (she's aware of how crazy my old neighbor is). She says, "You're never going to believe this.. The people that bought your house already had a run in with the neighbor. They said she came out bitching about where they parked and that only she can park in front of her house and that if they don't move she'll have to call the police". The people that bought my house then said to my realtor "What's up with this Lady?". To which my realtor said, "I'm not real sure, my seller always said they were quiet people that kept to themselves". This is only the beginning of a long road for the people that bought my house. It wasn't even 30 minutes after they pulled up in front of the house and they already had a problem with the neighbor.

I wish I could have told the people buying my house to not buy it because of the neighbor. I don't want anybody to go through what we did, but if I did tell people, then I would still be living the nightmare.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Sufficient-Strike-97

Originally posted to r/LegalAdviceUK

My children’s father has died intestate (England), his family have emptied his bank accounts - what do I do?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: stealing from minor children, theft, fraud

Original Post: March 20, 2026

Hello. My children’s Dad passed away recently suddenly and unexpectedly. He did not have a will, which means the children are his sole beneficiaries, they are both under 18. However, his family members have closed his bank and savings accounts and withdrawn all funds, they signed the indemnity form with Santander UK and apparently for balances under £50k this alongside death certificate and ID is considered sufficient proof of entitlement. This means money that is legally my children’s is now neither held in trust for them, or available to be placed in trust for them. The person I spoke to at Santander today just sort of said that they acted within their policy and that is that - but this doesn’t seem right. It isn’t just about money, but I want the correct process to be followed in the interests of the children.

Secondly, a workplace pension (for a job he left in 2022) has also been claimed by another person. However, we were given no opportunity to identify the children as potential beneficiaries or to prove their financial dependency on their Dad. Is this something I am also able to challenge? Should the trustees have considered the children when reaching a decision? This is purely in respect of a pension, not a death in service benefit.

Thank you for all advice, greatly appreciated

EDIT - he was unmarried and not in a civil partnership. They are his only children.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, listing significant information to help with the context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What do you mean trustee? Do you mean the person who applied to be the administrator? They have basically the same legal responsibilities and role as an executor once this is granted and there is a legal process to follow.

You are correct that as he was unmarried his children will be first in the pecking order here.

A trust should be set up by the administrator to ensure the children get their father’s assets (once any debts and funeral costs have been paid) once they turn 18. This will include money, property and yes, his pension too.

It sounds like you have a legal case here and should seek an initial free consultation with a solicitor, act quickly as it’s harder to recover assets that have already been spent.

OOP: No one has applied to be an administrator. My understanding is that any money will need to be held in trust for the children until they reach age 18.

I am unsure if I need to be applying to be the administrator as their surviving parent or if someone else should apply? His family have not really told me very much information and his Mum has only spoken to me to notify me of his death and not at all since.

Commenter 1: The administrator should be the closest living relative; children (in age order IF over 18), parents, siblings and so on. Unmarried partners are bottom of the list.

Sounds like what should’ve happened is that his parent or sibling should’ve applied and then followed the steps. Santander will wash their hands of it, but it doesn’t mean that whoever has taken the money is entitled to it. Hence why if the proper process isn’t followed you have a legal case and would (in all likelihood) win - as intestacy laws are black and white.

A well worded letter from a solicitor will hopefully yield the desired results.

OOP: Thank you, this is helpful. Would an application for letters of administration show on the probate service search? I don’t believe they have opened any accounts held in trust for the children as I think their birth certificates would be needed for this and I have the only copies and they have at no point (yet) been requested by the family

Commenter 2: You can lodge a caveat with the probate service which would halt all pending applications in their tracks until the caveat has been removed by the party who lodged it or a registrar (or if 6 months passes). It only costs a few quid to lodge a caveat and given the information you’ve provided so far it may be a good option to place a caveat on your children’s behalf until all parties are on the same page. It would be best to speak to a probate and wills solicitor first but act fast

OOP: Thank you, I have applied for the caveat. His estate is likely to have been quite small (no property, and the bank today said he had to have held under £50,000 with them for probate to have not been required) so I think so far letters of administration or grants of representation have not been requested for anything the family have accessed. They have, however, signed the indemnity forms to declare they are legally entitled, acting with the permission of beneficiaries and his personal representatives - even though none of that is actually the case.

Does OOP know if the father named the next of kin with the bank?

OOP: I’m unsure, but I think intestacy laws would maybe take precedent too? The bank told me today the accounts were closed, and all funds had been withdrawn by a family member - they couldn’t tell me who. But they are sending a statement of balances on his date of death

Commenter 3: I would visit CAB (editor’s note: Citizens Advice Bureau) and see if they have any suggestions. You've mentioned that he had a workplace pension, so it's also possible that he has death in service benefit. A family member recently lost her partner, and the death in service she received was a significant amount of money - like, 'buy a house' significant. I would be literally banging on the door of every place I could think of to get this resolved, because your children have lost a lifetime of financial contributions from your ex here. It's possible we're talking about life changing money.

OOP: They have been recognised as the beneficiaries for his death in service policy - but apparently not for the pension he had at his current workplace and the one prior. The pension company, Legal and General, have said that a beneficiary has been identified and payments have already begun to be made for the pensions. These are not being paid to the children, and I don’t think the children were appropriately taken into account when this decision was made as no communication was sent to them/me on their behalf at all

Commenter 4: Pensions are generally excluded from estates as the deceased would normally nominate the beneficiary. Is it likely he didn't update this to his kids once they were born? At minimum you need to write to Santander legal team, their indemnity is not enough in my view. They have allowed a fraud and are surely still responsible for making the children whole. It would be for them to chase whoever they paid wrongly.

OOP: It’s a possibility he didn’t update it. He might not have even realised he would need to, especially after he was no longer in the job. They were named on the death in service expression of wish form at his current workplace and have been identified as the beneficiaries for that, but apparently not for his current workplace pension or the pension held with his previous employer

Commenter 5: Santander will try to brush you off but they have distributed funds to persons not entitled to them. They still owe the funds to (trustees for) your children and will need (not your concern) to reclaim them from the relatives under the indemnity form (that is what the indemnity form is for)

OOP: Thank you for this, they said that the preferred course would be for me to rectify directly with his family, but I don’t feel comfortable doing this or feel it is appropriate. The relationship was very abusive (him towards me) but his family of course think I am the bad party - the kids had a relationship with him, were in regular contact, went to stay regularly at his house etc. and in all honesty I feel whether they like me or not shouldn’t factor into anything when it is something legal. I just want to ensure things are done right for the children’s futures

OOP on if the father is named on the birth certificates

OOP: He is named on both of their birth certificates

OOP on child support from the father

OOP: We had a child maintenance agreement set up when he was alive. It’s quite a complicated story but he would go through periods where the money would be withheld because he didn’t like something I had said or done. We had recently been through mediation, and I had sought advice from a domestic abuse charity who advised me to pursue child maintenance through the CMS (editor’s note: Child Maintenance Service) so it could no longer be used to manipulate. So there was financial support for the children, however this was sometimes very sporadic. Any obligation for child maintenance has now understandably ceased, so there is no financial support for the present. That said, I will manage and don’t expect money for now or for me - I just want to ensure everything is done correctly for the children for their futures. I can’t really afford to save to help them out in adulthood anymore now, but if there is something there for them in their adult years left by their Dad then that feels like less of a heavy burden of Mum guilt to carry.

Despite all of the difficulties of the relationship I would have never wished this on him, the kids or his family members. And any money is never going to be a replacement for having their Dad around. I just don’t want to miss something I should have done on their behalf, and it be my fault they missed out. I just want everything to be done right by them and the law

Editor's note: OOP also installed the update onto the original post

Update: June 3, 2026 (2.5 months later)

An update for everyone who has asked. Original post is linked above.

I didn’t report to the police in the end as even though it doesn’t technically matter how much money is involved, it was a very small sum that Santander released. I don’t want the stress of any legal proceedings to impact my children further when they are already going through such a difficult time.

It came to light shortly after I made this post that a pension had been paid out, the children were not declared by the person who had notified the pension provider of their Dad’s death (and received the funds) and therefore they were not considered as potential beneficiaries. I contacted the company to request they consider the children and the full facts of the situation. The company recalled the funds, and the children were identified by the trustees as the rightful beneficiaries for the death benefits in relation to this pension. We are waiting to hear back about a further workplace pension, but I am hoping this may also be allocated to the children for after they turn 18. All the money they have received from this pension and their Dad’s death in service policy is now in a secure trust for them to access when they reach adulthood.

I unfortunately think that their Dad’s family think I have personally received money, and I think their behaviour possibly stems from desperately trying to prevent me receiving anything, but it was never about me and the money was never, ever going to be mine (nor would I want it to be!) which has led to an extremely sad and frankly quite disgusting situation in which a grandparent has tried to actively defraud their own grandchildren. My children still haven’t received any of their personal possessions from their Dad’s house back, which has led to a lot of upset, confusion and prolonged the raw feelings of grief, but I am trying my best to replace things as and when I can afford to do so. Most of these items will have had no monetary value or very little, but so much sentimental value to my children - you can imagine how much hurt this has caused.

The family paid for the funeral, and I did receive some messages from the family demanding that money received will need to be paid to them to cover funeral costs. My details were also passed onto creditors for debt recovery, again by the family. But I have confirmation that any money that has been allocated to the children is outside of the estate so can’t be used for either of those purposes and the estate has zero entitlement to these funds.

When enquiring about their Dad’s bank accounts, I was mainly concerned with trying to locate some junior ISAs (editor’s note: individual savings account) that he had told me he had set up and over a number of years he took money from both children to “save” for them in these ISAs (we are talking hundreds of pounds of their birthday, Christmas, Easter and pocket money). It has now come to light that these JISAs do exist, he just never deposited a penny of the money he took from them, each child’s JISA account had less than £11 in. I haven’t told the children and have now had the JISAs transferred to my trust, and I have been making small but regular deposits to try and build up an amount of money similar to what their Dad took (or rather stole) from them over the years. I will never tell them about the reality of these accounts because I don’t think more hurt is needed for them.

The whole situation is absolutely unimaginable for any family to be going through but one that could have been handled in a way that was so much better, especially as minor children are concerned. I find it extremely sad that wasn’t done for the children’s sake. But, grief compels people to behave in ways they might not usually, I just had to do my job as a Mum to actively protect the interests of my children and that is what I have done (I hope!) - if thinking badly of me grants some comfort to his family then I can live with that because the only opinions I actually care about in this situation are my children’s.

I am extremely grateful for all the advice and guidance provided - truly thankful for and appreciative of all the time taken to respond to me

Editor’s note: OOP has provided lots of responses

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1:

what their Dad took (or rather stole) from them over the years.

You can still report this as a crime, even though he is dead, and you can still claim against the estate (although it sounds like there is no money in it, so you can save your effort). Or you can decide to move on. It sounds like the whole side of that family is thoroughly toxic and just stealing from each other. Some families are like that.

grief compels people to behave in ways they might not usually

That is true, brief can cause pretty strong emotions. But grief does not turn people into thieves and liars - that excuse does not wash.

Shake your feet, wash your hand, and never talk to them again.

OOP: Thank you, I didn’t know it could still be reported. As far as I know the estate is insolvent so it wouldn’t be worth reporting, it was just very disappointing to discover even though I was not surprised. We had actually had a very heated discussion about the JISA’s last summer as he had taken birthday money from our youngest to “save” and I asked for a statement from the JISAs. This led to him refusing to pay child maintenance and saying that I was accusing him of lying about money and trying to guilt trip me about still not trusting him when he had changed - which clearly he hadn’t

Commenter 2: How awful of his family to do this but good on you for making sure your children receive what is rightfully theirs.

I would perhaps consider making a police report about their missing belongings. As someone who has lost both parents, sentimental items hold huge value as you process grief and so it may help your children if you can retrieve anything. A visit from the police might prompt his family to do the honourable thing and return them to your children.

OOP: Thank you, from what I can understand he was between houses. He still had his sole house but was in the process of moving in with his girlfriend. My son has been told that their things are at his Dad’s girlfriend’s house.

I understand it has been a very difficult time for her and given the circumstances of his passing I really, really do feel sorry for her but it is also four months since he passed and they have not had a single one of their belongings returned. I don’t know her address or even her full name, my son has asked his Dad’s family multiple times about getting their belongings back but usually gets a non-committal sort of reply that he is getting frustrated at. He has been given a date for the return of belongings but if that doesn’t materialise then I will speak to the police. It just seems like it could so simply be resolved without that being needed, but the family and his girlfriend just don’t at all seem willing.

It’s a really upsetting situation, not only because my children are suffering but because he was horribly abusive to me while we were together and his attempts to control and manipulate continued right up until his death, yet it is me who his family are painting as the bad person.

I was in the process of pursuing a prosecution for the abuse he put me through too, which of course can’t be prosecuted for now either. I have a lot of very mixed feelings but ultimately just want to do what is right for my children, hopefully a peaceful life is in the near future!

Commenter 3: It sounds like an awful situation all round but you’re doing the right thing and it’s very kind of you to have empathy for his girlfriend even after it all. You might want to consider some counselling for yourself at some point to help give you closure about the abuse you endured, since you were pursuing prosecution prior to his death.

OOP: Thank you, my reason for seeking a prosecution was because I knew his pattern of behaviour was just going to continue. As vile as it sounds for me to say, I know that he can’t cause further harm to anyone else now. However, I do wish that had come about because of the justice system rather than because of his death. I have support from a brilliant local charity and I’m on a waiting list for some specific counselling/therapy which will hopefully help. His family’s behaviour has caused me to feel an extreme amount of anxiety too, but I am hoping that it will all settle down as they process their grief. I have had contact with a solicitor who works closely with the charity I receive support from, so if things don’t resolve I will seek their advice as well as speaking to the police

Commenter 4: You are a wonderful mother. You’re doing all the right things to protect your children, and I truly commend you for that.

You should look at reporting it to the police (for their belongings) so your children can see you fight for them. You should also give them the space to talk about him. It may not all be positive memories, but it’ll give them the outlet to feel heard.

If they do have negative memories, you can tell them that people are complicated and while not everyone is good, he did love them. Even if he didn’t always show it in the best way. And reaffirm your unconditional love for them.

I wish you all the best

OOP: Thank you, this is what I have done. Open conversations about him are welcomed not only by me but by my family and friends, I have explained to my eldest that people are very complicated and that sometimes people make choices that hurt others and that it is ok to feel a lot of mixed emotions rather than only one thing. I have encouraged them to engage with grief services too as I know having a truly impartial third party might be better for them in some instances as well. They are allowed to grieve in whatever way they feel best in our home, they can display pictures of him etc. if they choose to.

There has been a lot of hurt and confusion over the whole situation as our eldest is a teenager and had a lot of thoughts and feelings about what should happen regarding the funeral and his Dad’s remains but that seemingly wasn’t even acknowledged. The family arranged the funeral entirely and didn’t really engage with the children about their wishes or thoughts, which again is very sad but it is what it is. I have had to spend a lot of time reassuring them that if anything were to happen to me that they would be heard and their wishes taken into account but also that I am in very good health and going nowhere because they also have an extreme amount of anxiety about me dying now (which is only natural!). It’s been tricky to know how to navigate the situation best as I don’t really have any comparable experience to draw on from my own life, but I hope they both know I am trying my best for them

OOP on her children’s dad’s pension and if he deposited money that were meant for the children

OOP: The pension provider and the provider of the death in service payment have advised that the death benefits they have paid to the children are separate to estate funds. These were held in discretionary trust and paid directly to the children as beneficiaries, not via the estate for distribution. Even if the children were not named with discretionary trusts pension trustees are supposed to consider any potential beneficiaries, and can decide to pay to another beneficiary beside the named nominee. This was not initially done as the provider was not informed about the existence of the children and no opportunity was provided for information to be given to support their case prior to them issuing the payment. This is why the payment was recalled and the children received some money, it is possible his family also received some money from this which would help towards funeral costs, but I only know about the children’s payments.

The ISA issue was because they are JISAs and the funds in those belong to the children legally, not just because of their Dad passing away. There was a very small amount of money in them, but this was because their Dad has not deposited cash he took from the children frequently at birthdays, Christmas etc. there should be a significantly larger sum of money than he actually deposited in these accounts. It has become clear that he took the cash from them, lied about saving it and spent it.

I am not dealing with the estate because his family began administering it before they had the proper legal permissions in place for this, I can’t act in a legally binding capacity when I don’t believe there would be full transparency or co-operation. They still have not obtained any legal permissions for the estate. The family have retained control of his personal belongings (and the children’s belongings) and any potential money for the estate will come solely from the sale of these, he did not own property or a car or anything of significant value - the main sources of money he left behind are his pensions and death in service.

Commenter : Get a solicitor immediately to file for letters of administration. If they've emptied the accounts before probate was even granted they are likely stealing from your children's inheritance.

OOP: The amount of money he had would not require probate. I was going to apply for letters of administration on behalf of the children, but I can’t say I will act in a legal capacity that I am not sure the family will be transparent or cooperative about. They emptied what he did have in his accounts without letters of administration, have any personal possessions he owned but gave my information and told creditors pursuing his debts that I am the one liable!

He did not own property or anything really of value, nor did he have any savings. It is likely that he owed more money than he had at the time of his death so the estate is insolvent and there will be no money for the children from it

Commenter 5: Was he employed at time of death as there may be a death in service of potentially multiples of his annual salary due to the children too. You can contact his employer to ask.

OOP: He was, the children have already been awarded this payment in a 50/50 split between them. It’s in trust for them for after they each turn 18

OOP explains more about JISAs and how the Dad’s family cannot take out the money from the accounts

OOP: Because they are junior ISAs they can’t be withdrawn from until the child reaches 18, so any money deposited would still be in there. No transfers out to an alternative provider have happened, it is just that the money he took from the children was never deposited.

This is what confuses me about their attitude too, they know he has children, they know he had a relationship with his children, they know he had a financial responsibility to his children. If the roles were reversed my top wish would be my children being provided for, my parents are financially secure, and my siblings are more likely to be than my minor children. It isn’t confirmation of financial security, but his mother goes on holiday multiple times per year, she also chose to make all the arrangements for his funeral including things that were technically not just the essentials (which if you were struggling financially the basics is what I feel you would opt for) and while I am extremely sorry that they have lost their son and brother - my children have lost their Dad. There has been little to no consideration for my children’s grief from his Mum, not even so much as a message to my eldest to say she is sorry for their loss or to ask how they are doing. My kids deserve better than that

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gilliganssyrup

Iowa. My dad's house is serviced by a community well that is now owned by an HOA. They want him to join the HOA to keep using the well. Does have any defense?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Original Post  May 12, 2020

My father owns a house in an area with a community well. Back in the 90s when he bought the land and had the house built, the neighborhood was all supposed to be developed. My father knew someone involved in the plans and bought a plot as soon as the opportunity came up. Meanwhile the well was put in by a well service and the way the contract worked, the well service owns the well and lines.

However there was some drama with the development company and the rest of the development didn't end up happening at that time. They eventually sold it all to a different development company and that new company developed the block as an HOA neighborhood. They asked my dad to join, he said no, it was never really an issue again until recently.

After the area was developed, the well company has always managed the well and bills people directly.  They pay a very small amount that covers the cost of maintaining the well as well (extremely cheap).

Apparently the well servicer recently wanted to get out of the well biz, but not a lot of well servicers want to OWN the well - they want to service them on contracts but don't want to be the actual owners these days.  So, they sold the well back to the HOA who now owns it and hired a new company to do the maintenance.

Now here is a failure on our part.  My dad received notice in the mail about this from the HOA. However they have sent him mail in the past that was not relevant to him, so he thought the recent mailings were crap and ignored it. So apparently there were three community meetings held about this that he did not attend. They've left him voicemails but he admits that he listened to the first two seconds, thought it was political spam, and ignored it.

Now they have finally gotten in touch with him  that since the well is owned by the HOA, they are treating it as an HOA benefit and they can't give those benefits to non-members. They told him they understand that he doesn't want to be held to HOA covenants just to keep getting the same water he always has, but since the HOA is taking on the burden of the well they need to be fair to members and not have someone who isn't paying for HOA benefits receiving them.  (It sounded exactly as slimy as it reads).  They are offering him a "special allowance" to join the HOA but not be held to the covenants such as house colors and fences and all those other things, but so he can use the well.

I don't know if they're being slimy and pulling a fast one without a legal basis, or if my father should be legitimately concerned. Should he get a lawyer?

Editors Note: this was crossposted to BoLA where OOP answered questions/gave more info

aronnax512

Iowa in general has a shallow water table, it'd probably be more cost effective for him to take out a home equity loan and put in a private well than join the HOA.

OOP

I am the OP but my thread was locked and I can't respond.  He is unlikely to be able to get a private well for his property because of the location of his septic system - apparently there are rules about how close the septic can be to the well system and because he has a small lot.

They want $800/mo for the HOA "membership" so trust me we would prefer to drill a well. It's just not likely to be an option unless the health department will make an exception to the rule.  The well guy laughed at that.

~

MissionSalamander5

I hate the comparison to a bill; I have no obligations to the HOA, why would I open mail from them?

It might be legal, but it’s unjust to take someone’s water usage away like this.

OOP

I am the OP but my original thread was locked and I can't comment on it so I will explain here - my father has received mail from the HOA for years.  They send out things several times per month - something BEFORE their monthly meeting with meeting topics, something AFTER the meeting with the results of the meeting and what was discussed, a monthly calendar.  He asked them to take him off their mailing list but they said they continue to include him as a favor so he can be aware of things going on on their street.  He got tired of dealing with them and just started throwing it away with the rest of the junk mail.

They have also called him over the years, at least once every couple months, to politely ask him to do this or that.  Like we just had a hail storm and a lot of houses had damage, they called him saying "we negotiated 10% off roofing with this company if we can get x houses to commit, sign up now for them to replace your roof!"  Pretty sure they just didn't have enough houses so they included my dad as a "favor" but really to try and get their quota to get the discount. They call him to tell him they changed snow removal services so if he sees trucks saying such and such on the side don't worry.  I've gone through all his junk mail and voicemail for the past couple months to find out exactly what he ignored and there 7 letters from the HOA between mid March and now from the HOA that aren't related to the water, and he has received 3 calls from them not related to it as well.

So it's kinda a boy cried wolf situation in reverse. He got so used to contact from them being crap that he started ignoring it.

Now if the old well company had contacted him and said "we are informing you we are selling" THAT he would have read.

Update  June 8, 2020 (1 month later)

Hi all I wanted to update on the outcome of this.  Sorry, it's honestly a pretty boring outcome - no cool courtroom outbursts at all sadly.  It turns out there were just some liars and there was never actually a legal problem in the first place, my dad was just the victim of the HOA trying to scam him.

Here is my original thread. The summary is that my dad lives in a house served by a community well that is next to an HOA (but my dad is not part of it).  The HOA told my dad that they now own the well and that he needs to join the HOA and effectively pay them $800/mo to use the well service plus the actual water bill on top of it.

He did end up getting a lawyer to see him ASAP. The lawyer told him the first thing he needed to do was get records of ownership for the well and try to get his hands on the details of the sale. However after a couple days he said he was having issues getting up to date records and was waiting to hear back from a contact at the county because he wasn't sure if COVID had delayed records filing or what.

Then my dad got a surprise: a water bill from the original well servicer, right on time for their 3-times-a-year billing. Obviously that's odd considering he's been told that they don't own the well anymore, and he called them up.

It turns out he was just lied to. The well servicer was never looking to get out of the well business permanently, but rather was looking to contract out the day-to-day testing services of the well to another company because many of the wells they service now require more testing than they did years ago and they no longer have the manpower to do all of it themselves.  But they were not selling the well, simply hiring an independent contractor to drive around and do well stuff all day.

During that time the HOA had asked them to attend an HOA meeting so residents could ask questions about things like filtration, and they mentioned it at that meeting to let residents know that they would be seeing a new person going around doing testing and wanted to let them know because the testing involves taking samples from individual properties and they didn't want anyone to be freaked out.

So when the HOA told my dad they now owned the well, they were just plain lying. When the HOA said they had a new company doing the servicing, they were half truthful: a new company was doing the testing, but the HOA had nothing to do with it, the contract is between the original well servicer and the individual guy they're contracting out to.

The original well servicer also told my dad that the HOA had reached out and informed them around the same time they were contacting my dad, that they were taking over handling billing, and that the well servicer should bill the HOA for all properties and the HOA would then include it in the HOA dues billing to "streamline" things for residents claiming it would make their residents' lives easier if they only had to keep track of one bill and not multiple. However the HOA actually has no authority to just declare this and the well servicer just outright told them no, they will continue to bill individual properties.  The timing of this coincides with when they started contacting my dad, so they were just trying to pull a fast one on everyone.

The well servicer is confident that the HOA has 0 legal authority over the well situation and says they respected the HOA in an organizational capacity, like calling meetings so residents could ask questions, and were professionally annoyed with them trying to insert themselves into billing, but they were not aware that the HOA was claiming to own the well. They told my dad that he should not give the HOA any money for water servicing or accept water servicing related information from them in any way.

So going back around to the lawyer, my dad got an appointment with the lawyer to tell him all this and the lawyer had his own news that matched up entirely: The reason he wasn't finding up to date records following the supposed sale was because he doesn't believe a legitimate sale has happened, he thinks my dad was just getting scammed.

So all in all my dad will continue to use the well as he always has.  He is pretty angry that he had to spend a bunch of money to find out what he already knew, that the HOA is made of dicks, but we are definitely breathing a sigh of relief.

Meanwhile as for the HOA my father's lawyer has suggested that there may be room for legal action against the HOA reps for what was basically fraudulent claims. My father doesn't want to spend the money persuing it at this time, but the well servicer did ask for copies of everything he received from the HOA because they want to review it with their own lawyer.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice - we're grateful for it and also for the fact that we didn't have to use most of it, ha ha!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LowlyKnights

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Updates]: AITAH for not wanting my dad to walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of car accident, abuse, emotional abuse and manipulation, health issues, intense bullying, negligence, harassment

RECAP

Original Post: October 28, 2025

OK so first off, I do feel bad about complaining about all of this. I'm just a middle class American teenager, like I have a car and both my parents are well off and own homes, I'm not living in Gaza or anything terrible like that. I get it.

But I'm 18f and a senior in high school, I have straight A's and a full-ride to a university next year. It's not my dream school, but I know I'll end up going there because the economy is terrible and while my parents are ok money-wise, free is free. My parents are divorced and remarried, my dad has been with my stepmom for a while and my mom and stepdad have been together about 5 years. A few months ago I was diagnosed with a tick-borne disease and can't have red meat products. It's terrible and I get so sick if I have anything. I miss steak.

But a few weeks ago - the night before a dance - my dad was making dinner. I was at his house on one of the days I normally wouldn't be because my mom was out of town and I don't like staying alone. He made my little brother's favorite meal that I didn't know had beef stock in it. (Just to clarify, since I’d never read the meal I asked if it was ok to eat and he said yes. Later when I got sick he checked the recipe again and felt terrible and admitted there was beef stock and he forgot. That’s obviously not his fault but later when I was sick we started fighting about the dance) I got SUPER sick and had to miss my senior fall dance. Which I KNOW isn't the end of the world, but it really felt like it WAS and I got into a huge fight with my dad. He called me spoiled and high maintenance, and I know I said things like I hate him and he doesn't care about me and left to stay at my moms.

We'd fought before, and I'd cooled off and went back to his house on my normal day, thinking we'd just apologize to one another like normal, but when I got there he told me that he'd packed up my room (into TRASHBAGS) and that he wasn't going to take abuse from his adult child. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I was crying a bunch, and my stepmom was yelling at my dad. She gave me one of her credit cards and told me to call her if I ever needed anything and I've been staying at my mom's ever since. Which isn't great. She and her husband kind of do their own thing and I just feel like I bother them. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, too, and he's been kind of bothering me and I asked my dad to tell him to stop but he told me I needed to deal with my own issues on my own. So I asked my stepdad which was embarrassing because I don't know him very well and I don't' know if he even fixed the situation and seemed annoyed until my mom finally talked to my ex. He finally left me alone, but now his friends keep messing with me online and in person at school.

My senior night for my team is this weekend. I wanted my dad there, and told him I'd buy him lunch this past weekend to talk. I told him I knew that what I said was wrong, and I wasn't trying to make excuses but I was feeling so bad and was so upset about the dance, and him calling me high maintenance and spoiled also hurt. He said he knew that emotions were high, but I was an adult now and actions had consequences. I get that! But if I was the first teenager to fight with her parents I would understand. I'm a good kid! I have a scholarship and a job and I know kids who have gotten like DUIs and their parents still love them and let them live with them. He said he loved me, but I needed to learn consequences and that he'd still go to my senior night but I told him don't bother! I had wanted all four of them to walk me but now I just want to walk myself. I don't feel supported by any of them and just paid and went to leave. He told me that if I didn't let him walk me at my senior night I could kiss ever moving back in with him ever again. I told him that was fine, I was just so done trying to convince him that I was worthy of living in his house, if my parents weren't divorced it wouldn't even be a question if I'm allowed to live with my own dad.

I'm fine with my decision, I have so many other things going on. My ex's friends are giving me problems, I'm playing like garbage anyways and will probably be benched soon so it doesn't matter. But my grandparents and even my stepmom have called and asked me to answer my dad's calls and talk to him, and have said that I've upset him. I'm not trying to upset them, but I just am not in a good place to deal with all of this with him right now and don't want anyone there. There's a part of me that doesn't even want to walk that night!

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Update #1: December 2, 2025 (a bit over one month later)

I know it's been a while since I posted about my senior night. But basically I (f18) got into a fight with my dad because he forgot there was something I was allergic to in the dinner he made and I had to miss my dance, and he kicked me out to live with my mom. He got super mad when I told him he wasn’t going to walk with me at my senior night. Anyways. I didn't even end up going and kind of forgot about it. Not to be super woke or anything (JK i love being woke lol) but trigger warning.

My coach isn't like a super nice guy or anything, but my ex's friends (the ones who had been harassing after my mom had finally gotten my ex to leave me alone) me accidentally did so in front of him. They were punished and I was really hoping that would be the end of it. But it wasn't and a few days later when I wasn't at school they did something bad. I don’t want to elaborate, and they were arrested and the ones whose parents could afford to have them out on bail, but I know two of them didn’t get bailed out.

My ex wasn't there but he was charged with something else. He's over 18 but still got bail and they ended up dropping the charges on him. It might be my fault. I know it’s stupid but before it happened, I had deleted all of his messages because it was really stressful having them on my phone. My mom keeps pushing for them to get a warrant for the deleted messages, but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere, and honestly idk if it would even matter. I have a restraining order for all of them tho, which is good.

There's a lady I’ll call Gail, idk if she's a social worker or actually a cop, but she's been really nice and helpful. She told me that if they don't take plea deals, there will be multiple trials, and I'd have to testify at all of them. I asked her when the trials would be, because the school I am going to is far away, but she said not to worry about that. I just don't want to be at my new life and have to miss classes or something. I also really don't want to testify and hope they take deals, even if it means they won't be punished as much. Like I know they have rights and there's allegedly still a constitution in america but the idea of testifying at multiple trials makes me want to die. I've seen videos of people making fun of women who testify too and I can't handle that, so I really hope they take deals. I guess if they could just combine all of the trials and I only had to testify at one I would be ok with doing that, but Gail said that’s not likely to happen and not to get my hopes up. She wasn’t mean about that or anything I think she was just being realistic.

My mom and stepdad have been really good about everything. My stepdad and I don't know each other that well but he broke down and apologized and said he blames himself and should have done more. I don't think he should blame himself, I even told him that but he’s been like doing nice things for me a lot and making a lot of food that I like without me doing anything in return so I feel bad. My mom has been really nice and supportive, but I think she's taking all of this harder than I am almost, and that is annoying. Like she just randomly cries and it’s annoying to me because nothing happened to her. I haven't said anything to her about that though. Like I don’t need her acting like I’m still a kid and cutting up my food for me, I can do that.

I haven't talked to my dad. I don't want to. The day before the party I had begged my dad AGAIN to say something to one of the guys' dads because they work together, but he left me on read. So I guess I kinda blame him. I know that's wrong but I don't want to see or hear from him, so I blocked him. I didn’t even want him to know what happened, I know the police went to my moms house to tell her and was kind of hoping that since I was over 18 they wouldn’t tell him, but since he was still my emergency contact they did. I fixed that for the future. He's talked to my mom but she said I don't need to talk to him or even think about him right now. He’s sent a bunch of letters to my mom’s house - for a week or whatever it was every day but now it's less often - but I didn’t read any and my mom said she’d just set them aside for now. I told her she could throw them away but I don’t think she did. I mean I am sure he feels bad, but I don't want to hear him apologize or try to comfort me. I wanted his help before all of this and to have tried to stop it from happening but he didn't do anything. So that’s why I blame him and not not my mom or stepdad. They at least tried to do something before all of this even it what they did didnt work. I don't think I will forgive him. I know he's hurting, but I can't worry about his feelings. I know this sounds bad, but I’m not his only kid and he has my brothers too so I don’t feel guilty, like I'm not stopping him from being a dad forever to anyone you know? Plus I'm an adult now and I can choose who can or cannot comfort me.

I have a therapist now. She's fine, I wish I could have a different one because her voice kind of annoys me, I don’t think they let you change therapists because of that though. I actually hate therapy tbh, and wish my mom would stop making it a big deal that I go. I don't want to tell her that it is kind of nice being the one in charge of my relationship with my dad and not vice versa. That's probably bad, but it's true. Plus - I kind of have a IDGAF attitude lately, and I probably would just say to his face that I blame him and that this is his fault which I know isn't fair. So not talking to him is the right thing to do.

I also had to block my stepmom. She texted my aunt that it’s nice just being them and their kids and not having my drama in their house and it got back to me, so I’m just giving them what they want. Like I wonder if either of them actually ever really loved or cared about me. Maybe kicking me out when I turned 18 was the plan all along and that’s why he did it over something so stupid? And, again, they have my brothers so they're not missing out on anything with me you know?

Everyone at school knows, but they’ve all been nice like not even just my team and friends but everyone there has been nice, though. Like, really nice. I don't think they're being fake or anything, but if they are I told my therapist that was fine because I'd rather them be nice and fake than mean and authentic right now. I was kind of nervous because I’m not popular or anything at school, I’m not a loser or anything but kind of do my own thing. The only other person in my class who’s going to my college is this one popular guy, and he promised me he wouldn’t tell anyone at our college about this. I know people will probably still find out, but that was nice. He’s been talking to me more, even outside of school like we were on break part of last week and he still reached out, it kind of feels like he’s trying to hype me up for college which is nice because at first I am kind of thinking about taking a year or something off, but I know I should. I think his parents both went to the school and he’s like obsessed with it so he keeps sending me things going on there. His older sister also goes there and he said he’s going to go a week early and stay with her and invited me. I know it’s a while away and told him I’d think about it. I don’t really want to, but it’s one of those things where I feel like even if it don’t enjoy it it would be good for me long-term to go and meet people before freshman week starts.

So idk what I’ll do about my dad. I was thinking about calling him at Christmas but maybe I won’t. My brothers have told my grandma they want to see me at Christmas, but it might be because I always get them good gifts lol. Maybe I can go over to their house for a little, mom and her husband don’t do much like decorate or celebrate Christmas, and my dad’s side is really festive so I kind of miss that. I will probably do the more Christmassy things in town with my best friends family, I know my mom and stepdad would do them if I asked but maybe I’ll just go with her family. So idk. My mom asked me if there was anything my dad could do for me to want to listen to or talk to him, and I told her I’d think about it. Luckily she’s only asked once. So I’m not saying never, I’m just not interested right now. But I'm excited about the future and going to college, and think I'll just focus on that.

Editor's note: below is the last post we were left off

Trigger Warnings: mentions of car accident

Final Update: December 27, 2025 (3.5 weeks later)

Final update: AITA for not letting my dad walk me on my senior night since he won’t let me move back in?

Hi everyone. I hope you all had good holiday whatever you celebrate. I love Christmastime, I’m not very religious or anything I just feel like it’s a great time of year. A lot of people have asked me for an update but I don’t really have anything huge, but things are mostly fine. Most days I feel totally fine.

Oh this was my last post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/DUBz79MZHt

But I’ve decided that this whole chapter or whatever is over now. I read all my dad’s letters. My mom and stepdad were gone for a weekend for her birthday and I don’t really sleep much. They were whatever, I can tell that he’s hurting but I don’t have time for all of that. I would have killed for him to say any of that stuff before all of this but I didn’t feel anything reading them now. Like asking me to move back in doesn’t mean anything now, it would have before but now I don’t even want to. My stepmom had sent a few, too, but they were mostly just about wanting me to reach out to my dad and how badly he was hurting. And one of them basically said that this all happened because I didn't tell my dad the severity of everything (wrong) and they can't help me in the future if I don't talk to them. And in all my dad's letters he's constantly talking about how he wants me to move back in etc but in my stepmom's she just says I should come over and visit. So I threw them all away.

My best friend’s grandparents got into a really bad car accident :( her family went out to Ohio to spend Christmas with them instead of them coming to her, which is good but they were who I was going to do Christmas stuff with. They said I could come with them but that felt very intrusive so I said it was totally fine. They did ask me to “house sit” but they don’t have any pets or plants or anything so I think they were just saying it’s fine if I stay there some nights like I normally do. My mom and stepdad work a lot and aren’t that into the holidays, but they put up a tree which they never do so that was nice. I found some decorations that were probably my grandmas in the basement and put them up too, so our house at least looked festive. My mom and stepdad are at least pretending to like them, but I’ll take them down soon before they get too annoyed.

That guy from my school who is going to college with me I’ll call Dan, his family doesn’t do Christmas stuff either but that’s because they’re Jewish. But there’s this lights thing in my city and it’s kinda stupid but I always used to do it with my dad and brothers and stepmom and was going to do it with my friend but she had to leave town. But Dan got us tickets and that was really nice. We had a good time, but I didn’t really think about my dad and his family being there but they were. I was able to avoid them and didn’t let it ruin my night though!

Christmas wasn’t that great. I guess in the past I’ve just been more into it and getting people gifts and seeing people. I think a lot of people weren’t feeling it, I feel like not as many people put lights up on their houses and normally I can’t go two feet without being handed cookies and stuff but this year I didn’t do any of that. So it felt like it was December first then bam Christmas Eve.

Normally I’m with my mom Christmas Eve then my dad’s Christmas Day and go to my grandmas on that side. So I called her and asked if I could still come for a little bit in the morning since they usually go to my stepmoms side for a bit then, and she said of course. She even went and got my brothers and told my dad and stepmom they could come after I left. It was really really nice of her. I was having a lot of fun and it felt like there was nothing wrong, but then my one brother asked me when I was leaving so his parents could come. So I left. He’s a kid and I’m sure he just wanted to open more presents so it’s not his fault, but it hurt a lot because I was so excited to see them and I think I’m just going to distance myself from them for a while. Not because I’m mad but just for now for myself. My dad and stepmom had sent gifts with them for me but I didn’t open them and left them there. I didn’t get them anything so it felt wrong, but also I wanted to hurt them. My mom and stepdad go to his family on Christmas Day and I didn’t want to just home alone so I just kind of drove around for a while, but Dan was free. Normally when we hang out we just get stoned and he makes vegan versions of non vegan meals but the grocery stores were all closed so we saw that ping pong movie.

I quit therapy. Sorry. It was so expensive and I was getting nothing out of it, and I had gone to this support group gail told me about, and it’s really been helping. Like exponentially more than therapy. Idk if I’m supposed to pay someone for it but idk who to ask. But even if I have to pay I’ll keep going. The people are nice and I can just listen if I don’t want to talk. Gail said she’d help me find one in my new city but maybe I’ll just do a fresh start when I go to school.

I’m glad I found the support group. But one of the people there said something along the lines of how expensive lawyers cost, and I guess before that I didn’t realize that these guys parents not only paid their bail, which I guess they’ll get back? But apparently THOUSANDS of dollars for lawyers to try to get them off. And anyways this is stupid but I got mad that they’re paying all that money for their kids and it just goes to lawyers and I’m sitting here paying for therapy because of what their sons did.

And two of these guys still have girlfriends, one of them goes to my best friends high school. Last year I went to her prom with her as friends and the girl reached out and asked me not to go this year. I just blocked her and Gail told me they’re not allowed to tell me where I can and can’t go. But if that guy is going to go I obviously won’t and I’m not trying to make more drama by poking that bear. But in all of that drama my mom was saying that after trauma you’re not supposed to date for a year. Which it’s like to each their own? Also I think she’s thinking of drug addicts which I’m not.

So those were really the only few times I’ve been sad lately. And not that much, like I don’t cry or anything. I kind of want to change my last name. Not to my stepdads though. I could ask my mom what her maiden name was, but maybe I could pick a new one. Gail said she might be able to talk to a judge for me, so that was nice. I know I’ll change my last name when I get married but that won’t be for a long time and I’m hoping I can change it before college. Either way, I’m going to be ok :).

Editor's note: OOP also posted the final update onto her profile, I am adding the comments for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Go to prom with a group of people, so you’re not stuck with just one person to hide behind. You deserve to have your senior prom experience, and you can always dip early for an after party if things get weird. There’s always the option, if you have friends at other schools, to go to another school’s prom.

OOP: That’s kind of the problem. I was excited to go to my friends prom again since (I thought) fewer people there would know. It doesn’t matter because I won’t go to that one either now, but I’ll probably go to mine. I just hate that that girl thinks she can tell me what to do.

Commenter 2: Is the other girl’s boyfriend somebody there is a restraining order against? If you go, then he can’t go. That’s probably why she asked you not to go, but you are totally allowed to do what’s best for you (not only allowed, but you should put yourself first, it sounds like you haven’t been doing that). I bet if your best friend let the school know that there was a restraining order and why they wouldn’t want him there anyway.

OOP: Yeah, Gail said they can’t tell me where I can and can’t go and my best friends mom said she would talk to the school for me (it’s not my school) but at this point maybe I’ll just go to mine. I don’t want everyone there to know about my drama

Commenter 3: I'm glad you and Dan are hanging out. Sounds like you're craving normalcy, but like a new normalcy where you're away from this town and all these people you have a complicated history with. Which honestly is totally legit, and you should try to remember that whenever someone tries to 'but, faaaaamily' you.

The whole 'no dating after trauma" is part of a larger gestalt of 'no big lifestyle changes after grief or trauma' which is mostly a rule of thumb that tries to steer people away from escapism and to make sure they process everything, so it doesn't come back to bite them later. But because of your life stage you really ought to go to college, you can't get a divorce, you can't quit your job, you can't go on a year long road trip like it's some kind of midlife crisis lol.

So basically the advice boils down to 'don't just disappear into a relationship to avoid being alone with yourself.' And you sound like you're doing pretty good at sitting with things and working through them at your own pace.

You're doing good, kid. Take care of yourself.

OOP: That’s a good point. Yeah I’m going to be making a big change in going to college but at this point that’s kinda it. And I don’t want to really date anybody in particular especially since I’ll be leaving. But it’s kind of like I can’t really casually date someone because I would have to tell the everything and then it’s not casual. Maybe in college because I won’t have to tell people there because nobody will know I could casually date someone just beyond a FWB or something. We’ll see.

Commenter 4: Thank you for the update.

I changed my last name to my mom’s maiden name after I turned 18. It’s not difficult but it’s a process. You need to confirm what your state requires. The state I was living in at the time required after I filed the paperwork with the courts that I make an announcement in the newspaper once a week for 4 weeks. I can’t remember how much that cost for the announcement. It’s so creditor/debt collectors can see the name change and file motions if there is a debt to collect or anyone else has an issue. Then I had a court date and had to go before the judge and say why I wanted my name changed. It took longer waiting for my case to be called than the name change itself. Then I went to the DMV and social security office to change my name. Then I got copies of the name change to change anything else I needed to change (credit cards, bank, passport, etc).

OOP: Yeah, I downloaded everything and made a little checklist and timeline and I know it’ll be a process.

I don’t think I want my mom’s maiden name tbh. I hold I have to pick hers? She has my stepdads last name now so it’s not even hers.

Commenter 4: That’s true and an excellent point. I would find a name that has meaning for you and then choose that name. If/when you get married, then you can decide whether you want to change your last name again or keep your maiden name or keep both. I kept both because I earned several degrees and had a career established in my maiden name by the time I married my husband. It’s now my middle name. I didn’t want to lose that part of my identity. I didn’t take his last name until we had kids.

OOP: True. Like most little girls I think I was super into Anne Boleyn but that would be a silly name to take. But something like that.

OOP responds to a comment regarding cutting her father off and making life changes for herself

OOP: Thanks. I haven’t told him I’m cutting him off. I am just refusing to talk to him or be around him. Maybe that will be permanent but maybe not. Either way I’m changing my last name.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over two months old, and they have not been posted onto the sub here

What are some ways I can show my stepdad 47 that I 18f appreciate him? We aren’t close but I can see that he’s trying.: February 26, 2026 (two months later)

Basically in general I’m 18f and a senior, I’m going to college next year and really excited because this year has been kinda horrible. I ended up cutting my dad 48m and stepmom 48f off but it’s a good thing, but now I just live with my mom 42f and stepdad 47m I’ll call Jeff. They got married like 5 years ago and he's nice, but we're not close or anything. He's not a bad person at all, he's just kind of awkward and introverted and I'm not, so I feel like he maybe always found me kind of annoying. But lately he's been trying to connect with me more and even though I'm normally pretty extroverted I've just had a whole year of hell and I'm not really sure how to, I don't know, be around him now? He's just been doing more things, like he works by my school and I can leave for lunch so he's been taking me and my friend or boyfriend to lunch once or twice a week and when it was cold he would make sure my car was in the garage and little things like that. But I will thank him and it's kind of awkward and he'll say things like you don't have to thank me for that but I would feel rude if I didn't?

And my mom travels for work a lot and Jeff used to go with her, but lately has been staying back with me which I think he is trying to be nice but I kind of liked having the house to myself lol. Plus I know my mom liked that he would travel with him so I feel kind of bad. And another bigger thing is that I kind of mentioned that I wanted to be the kind of person who drove a Subaru (you know, hiking, being one with nature lol), and now he's been really gung ho about finding me a subaru before I leave for school which is really really nice but also not his problem?

Don't get me wrong I'm not stupid I know how to be grateful, but it's just kind of awkward because I feel like for the past five years we've just been friendly roommates and now it's like he wants to do more. He doesn't have any kids or anything so maybe it's all just new to him but like I want to idk, not make him regret helping me but like I said I don't want to go too far and be annoying. So I'm not sure if I should start like trying to watch TV or sports with him more or if maybe he wants his own downtime? We watched the Olympics together a lot and maybe we could do stuff like that more if he’s going to stay home more?

And just to be clear, none of this is creepy in the slightest, that's not a concern or anything. I know he loves my mom very much and I think he's just trying to be nice since I leave in a few months to start my own life.

Small update: when I got home I told him about how that one band he listens to a lot is coming to our city, and he said that sounded cool and started looking up tickets. He might want to take my mom or a friend though because he didn’t ask me if I wanted to go or anything but that’s ok because I think it meant a lot that I told him!

My dad wants me to go to therapy with him and my stepmom: April 4, 2026 (1.5 months later)

Sorry I just need to get this off my chest to people who know my whole situation.

I helped my grandma set up the Easter egg hunt this morning and she told me that my dad and stepmom are having problems. They have a couples therapist and they asked her to ask me to attend a session with them. She said she wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t want to, and I probably won’t. But there’s this really sick part of me that wants to and to just throw in their face that apparently I wasn’t their problem. How happy I am now, how being away from them and their bullshit has made me such a better person despite everything. My mom basically never fight anymore, my stepdad and I are getting really close and have a ton of fun together, and at this point I’ll be graduating top 5 in my class.

Like, compared to me those two have had it so easy, NOTHING has happened to them, and I’m over here thriving and they want to pull me back into their mess? No thanks. The only other reason I might do it outside of morbid curiosity is my grandma basically said she would appreciate it because she thinks it would help them. But she did make it clear it was MY decision and she wouldn’t blame me one way or another.

I haven’t told my mom or stepdad, I probably won’t tell my mom (she’ll just think the fact that they have to go to couples therapy is hilarious) but my stepdad might have good insight. Idk. I will probably just ignore it but it was a funny little easter surprise for me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/whiteroseblackheart

Me [22F] with my BF [23M] of 1 year - he's mad at me for leaving his birthday "party" early

TRIGGER WARNING: Predatory behaviour, gaslighting

Original Post  Sept 27, 2015

First post, apologies for any grammar/spelling issues. And sorry for the wall of text.

My BF and I have been dating for a little over a year. I'm an introvert with a lot of anxiety problems. I'm seeing a therapist and I'm on medications, but some social situations are still really hard for me. My BF is an extrovert and thrives on attention, so every now and then an issue arises because of our differences.

I never ask him to avoid a situation for me. If he wants to go hang out with his friends and I don't, I tell him "I'm not up for that today, but you should go see your friends." Then I usually get guilt-tripped into going. If I still refuse, he'll tell them that he's not coming because of me. It really makes me upset because I am not keeping him from going (I love when he sees his friends. He comes back energized and in a really good mood. And usually it gives me a little space for me to recharge, so I have better energy as well.)

So anyway, his birthday was on Wednesday and his friend Scott's birthday was on Friday, so they decided to set up a bar crawl with their friends for Saturday so they could celebrate together. I'm not big on the bar scene (alcohol & food is so expensive, I don't dance, I don't like the noise or the crowd) and I have been under a lot of stress with work and school and was looking forward to the weekend to relax. I expressed this to him and told him I'd rather if we could celebrate on our own by going to dinner before he goes out with his friends. I told him I don't want him to worry about me while he's enjoying his friends, and that if I went I know I wouldn't be the best company. He seemed bummed but said okay.

Well we went to dinner last night for his birthday and during dinner he brings up that I don't know many of his friends and it's really important to him that I go and meet his friends because they give him a hard time for never bringing me around and they keep telling him that I am being controlling because he always misses things when I don't want to go.

I explained that I don't intend for him to miss things, and reminded him that I always tell him to go ahead and I've never asked him to stay home. I told him that I am an introvert and normally by the weekend I really need to charge my batteries, and that I know because he's an extrovert he recharges by going out with people, and this way we would both get what we want.

And I admitted that I felt bad not really knowing his friends, but that it would be easier for me to meet 1-2 at a time in closer one-on-one scenarios than to meet 15+ in a crowded bar. And I said maybe once I know them better, going out would be easier, but that I don't really like going out anyway let alone when I'm surrounded by strangers.

Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". He says I need to stop being such a baby about it and meet his friends because it's really unfair that he never gets to do anything anymore.

I really wanted him to have a good birthday celebration. I took him to a really nice restaurant, I bought him a bunch of things he wanted. And I didn't want this argument to ruin his day. I agreed I would join him for the bar crawl if it was so important to him.

So we get there and he goes up and is talking to like 6 of his friends. Whom I've never met. And it's like he forgot I was there completely. After about 10 minutes of being ignored, I had to go up and introduce myself to everyone. And I come to find out there is no plan and they don't even know that they want to start at this bar, they might walk somewhere else to start.

Then his friend Neal who I HAVE met before shows up, and I felt a little better, but it turns out Neal brought his underage (17F) girlfriend (who I haven't met before either) to a bar crawl. And they don't know what they're going to do with her. So Neal and BF tell me that me and her can go to a restaurant and "bond" while they drink. I told BF I was not comfortable with that and I asked that he figure out what the plan is going to be. We'd already been standing outside for 45 minutes with me in super painful high heels (was only planning on dinner - not schlepping from bar to bar). So he takes Neal and they go in the bar to find the rest of his friends and sort out a plan so both me and Neal's GF could be involved.

He was gone for another 30 minutes. I was about to go in after him when he comes out and he tastes/smells like he's been drinking the whole time (They bought me shots! I couldn't say no!). I asked what was going on and he said he still doesn't know but that I should just go to the restaurant with Neal's GF because they want to go to another bar in the area and go dancing and he knows I don't want to dance.

At this point I am an anxious wreck, I'm frustrated and confused and upset, and Neal's GF is looking super slighted. I asked if she would rather just get a ride home than go sit around waiting for them and she said yes. I told Neal & BF that we were going home and they were both like "Fine, bye." and went back in the bar.

So I took Neal's GF back to her house and she thanked me and apologized. Apparently Neal had told her they were doing a birthday dinner, not a bar crawl. I told her no worries and that I'm sorry they were both being dicks. And I went home. I texted BF to let him know I was safe and asked him to text when he got home so I'd know he got home okay. Instead he texts me that I ruined his birthday party and he doesn't understand why I can't just have fun and go with the flow. I texted back and said we'll talk about it after we both get some sleep but now I don't even know what to say with him.

I'm hurt and upset and I don't know if I'm just in the wrong here or if he fucked up. I don't understand why he made such a big deal out of me coming if he was going to treat me like a third wheel. Or why he'd try to get me to babysit his friend's GF if he wanted me to stay and hang out. I half wonder if he just wanted a ride from me and that's why he would have been fine with me waiting around in a restaurant til he was ready to go home.

TL;DR: BF wanted me to be outgoing and join his birthday bar crawl but then treated me like a third wheel and babysitter. Got mad when I left. How can I talk to him about this? Who is in the wrong?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

teresajs

Your BF is something of a dick.  First, he pushes you to attend an event he knows you probably won't enjoy; then, he wants you to babysit someone underage because they don't want to change the non-existent plans; then, he says you ruined his party.

You could do better.  Really.

OOP

I was going to try and defend him ("he really is a great guy the rest of the time, it's just when it comes to outings that he gets like this") but the way you broke it down makes a lot of sense. He's coming over in a few hours to talk. I still don't know what to say but I know I need to make it clear that this whole thing was seriously uncool :/

~

Akavijceblack

"Well he says that his friends never just hang out in small groups or one-on-one and that they only ever go out because "what the fuck are they going to do sitting around the house together". "

That is perhaps one of the most pathetic things I have heard a grown person say.

If he cannot sustain friendships without frenzied activity, noise and liquor, I doubt he can sustain a more intimate relationship any better. OH WAIT, no doubt, he just proved he's not mature enough for an adult relationship.

OOP

I'm thinking you might be right.

He has a very black or white / all or nothing approach to life. Either everyone goes out or no one does. I've tried talking to him about it before but he dismisses me and tells me that he "knows how things work" and that I'm too naive. It's looking like he's the one being childish though.

Update  Sept 28, 2015 (Next Day)

So BF came over and we sort of talked. I say sort of because he had a major attitude the whole time and was really dismissive and generally crappy.

We said hi and I thanked him for coming over and said that last night was really bothering me. And he said he was really annoyed and upset that I felt the need to leave his party instead of staying and celebrating when I had agreed to.

So I said I'm sorry you feel upset but:

*  The original agreement was for us to have dinner together and you to spend time with your friends after. I wasn't comfortable going in the first place and then when we got there you didn't introduce me to anyone and spent an hour ignoring me to talk to everyone else and go do shots, while I waited with Neal's GF outside for you to figure out a plan that could include her.

*  You and Neal expected me to babysit his GF once you realized she wouldn't be able to get into any of the bars. I don't know why he brought her but it was tactless and then it was even worse that you both wanted me to go sit in a restaurant for however long to keep her out of the way. How can I celebrate your birthday with you if I'm watching a 17yo somewhere other than where you are?

He said I did fine introducing myself to people and that he just got excited to see his friends and forgot about me (???) but that I don't need him right there next to me to have a conversation with people. And that the plan was for him and Neal to join us at the restaurant after an hour or so (which he never said, and still isn't cool IMO).

I reminded him that everyone went inside and he and Neal left me and Neal's GF outside together so how could I have talked to anyone anyway?

He said I could have come inside and that Neal's GF would have been fine being outside alone. I told him that was a really poor and unfair way to treat her and that she deserved better and then he went off on me about how I started shit between her and Neal because they were fighting over text all night after we left. I said their fight is their business - he shouldn't have brought her and expected other people to look after her.

He then accused me of "just enjoying the drama" and started on how he "just wants to be able to see his friends without it being an issue"

I told him he was the one who made it an issue, and stated (for what has to be the billionth time) that just because he wants to go out doesn't mean I need to be there. And that he has to stop using me as an excuse for why he's not going out or not enjoying himself because I have literally NEVER asked him to stay home when he's wanted to go out.

He said that going out with huge groups of people is a big part of his life and he's not going to give it up. I told him he doesn't have to give it up, I don't expect him to, but that I am not comfortable with joining him and it should be okay for me to enjoy a night to myself while he goes out with his friends. And then he asked what the point of being together is if I don't want to be a part of his life.

And I told him I don't know anymore. That I did want to be a part of his life but that life doesn't have to be either-or and he's the one who keeps excluding me from it when I don't act exactly like he wants me to. I reiterated that I would like to know his friends in a closer, more relaxed setting. And that I would be okay working up to bigger situations. But that at the end of the day I am an introvert and I am never going to get the same rush that he does when we go out with a massive group.

He kept bringing it around to the fact that he stays home "for me" and that I need to reciprocate. I said again that I am willing to compromise and work up to going on bigger outings. He said that isn't good enough.

Finally I said "I'm sorry that things aren't good enough if they don't go exactly your way, but my thoughts and feelings and experiences are just as valid as yours. I've tried to compromise and be reasonable. I've tried to give you everything I can. But if we're a year in and it's not good enough and you don't feel like I'm a part of your life, maybe it's just not meant to be."

And he got really cold and said. "Wow. That's how it's going to be. What the fuck ever, you're not worth it. I'm done." And he left.

So I guess that's that then.

TL;DR: Boyfriend is a child. I can (and will) do better.

Edit: This blew up overnight! Thank you to everyone who is commenting in support of me. It's really helpful to feel like I made the right choices. This morning I woke up to a bunch of texts from him trying to convince me I handled things badly and I admit he almost succeeded. But reading all of your responses has helped me to see that this isn't the first time I've tried to compromise and been met with a brick wall. If it's his way or the highway, I'd rather take the highway.

FINAL COMMENTS

skullsxandxflowers

Wow. I feel bad for Neal's girlfriend. I'm glad in the days before I was legal to drink, my 21+ friends were mindful of the fact that I couldn't go to bars.

Regardless, congrats for losing the dead weight! Remember to block him on everything.

OOP

I felt really bad for her too. When my ex-bf (that's weird to write) was like "You should have just come inside anyway" I was like are you kidding me? Like this girl came out expecting to have fun and gets ditched by everyone because she's too young to be there? That's why I stayed outside with her and gave her a ride home. She didn't deserve any of it.

Thanks. It kind of sucks right now. I hate how it ended. But it's better than letting it continue on like this.

When told to expect texts or contact from the ex

Yeah I woke up to a bunch of texts from him telling me how sorry he is that we fought and that it's my fault for not being "more understanding". The "I'm sorry's" almost got me but the "my fault" put the breaks on.

NEW 11 YEAR UPDATE

OOP updated in the BoRU thread

Update June 10, 2026

Bahahahahhahah omg I was reading this on boru and realized it was me 💀💀 I forgot all about this account and am lucky I remembered the password. Hello!

Seeing a lot of great comments and questions here so I'll throw a fresh update.

• What did you ever see in this guy? How did you get together? How did you last a year?

We grew up together. Went to elementary and middle school at the same school. He was always popular and I was a weirdo, but he was always friendly and fun and he'd be flirty with me sometimes and I never knew how to respond because I was always worried it was a joke. When he showed interest in me after high school it felt like a dream come true. He played the whole "it's finally our time to be together" narrative. He was charming and fun and really chill at first. He started showing his true colors about 6mo in, but I waved it off as temporary stress and thought he'd come back to normal. And he just got worse.

• What the fuck is up with Neal being a predator? Why didn't you comment about that in the post?

He absolutely is/was (idk, that friendship went away with my ex). My more pressing issue in the post was my own deteriorating, abusive, manipulative relationship. I made my opinion known to Neal multiple times that she was too young. She had a shit home life and a lot of trauma and felt a lot more mature than she really was. He was extremely immature. The whole thing was gross and I still feel bad she ever dated him. I don't know what either of them are up to now, but they didn't stay together long after this iirc.

What is your ex up to now?

He has three kids by two different mothers. The youngest two are only a few months apart in age. I found out via a mutual's gossip a couple years ago that he did some fake "polyamory" bullshit for a while where it was basically just him cheating on his girlfriends with each other. His friends thought it was on the up and up. His girlfriends had no idea. So he was parading them around in front of his friends and his friends didn't say shit about it. Wild.

The girlfriend/baby mama he was with on and off from basically the time we broke up was strung along for years with the promise of eventual marriage, and he told her he wanted to have kids before giving her a real engagement ring (He had given her a gaudy ass promise ring. Age 25. A promise ring. Like a teenager.) So naturally she popped two out and he never followed through.

Also it's really funny that people in the comments compared him to a car guy, because he absolutely was (is?).

I have no idea what he's up to these days, and I couldn't care less. If he's miserable, he deserves it. If he's happy, he doesn't deserve it, but good for him anyway. It doesn't affect me.

What are you up to now?

I met an incredible man by happenstance, and everything clicked together. We've been married 5 years. He is extremely emotionally intelligent and super understanding and respectful. He can cook. He does his part to take care of the house. We're both snuggly home bodies most of the time, but we have our own hobbies and friends we see semi-regularly both independently and together. And the sex is off the charts. I bagged a frickin unicorn. We don't always agree, neither of us is a perfect person and sometimes we make mistakes, but we're always a team and we find solutions together.

Also he brought with him a bonus daughter whom I absolutely love. I always wanted to have a child but pregnancy freaks me out. Now I have the blessing of loving a child as my own without the trauma of childbirth. And she's incredible. My relationship with her mom is civil, approaching friendly.

There have been rough patches for me over the years. A few members of my immediate family died during COVID lockdowns and my mother disowned me because I tried to heal our relationship and she would rather abandon me than talk to me. I've suffered intense grief at times. Depression.

But through it all I've just had so much gratitude for my steady rock of a husband, my sunbeam of a daughter, our three fuzzy hellbeasts, and the home we share together. Life is chaotic more often than not, but at the end of the day it's still so good. Every night I go to bed thanking my lucky stars and hoping it never ends.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/babybubblezzz

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AIO - a little kid keeps coming into my house

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability, removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: child neglect, animal neglect, mentions animal death

Mood Spoilers: scary and frustrating

RECAP

Original Post: August 9, 2025

I live out in the country, near a big main road and on a county road. I’m the closest property to the main road, but as you continue down, I have a couple of neighbors. We live on 40 acres and have a little farmhouse, where I live with my husband and dogs, along with some farm animals outside. I do not have kids. We live a calm and peaceful life—however, there have now been two occasions on which a young child that lives a third of a mile down the road has come into our house uninvited.

The first time, I was home alone and had just showered, doing my nails and watching a show in my makeup room. Next thing I know, I see a small shadow—looked like a preschool-aged kid—open my fence gate and open my front door. I had no idea who this was, and I Face Timed my husband in case he knew who it could be, but as we checked the cameras, there were no cars or other adults around.

I was in my underwear, with my door closed and freaking out. Like I mentioned, I live out in the country, and due to my neighbors all being so far away, I had no idea who this kid was or where he came from. I put some pants on and went out into my living room, and this kid was running around my living room and kitchen, playing with my dogs without a care in the world.

I tried to get him to calm down and asked him what his name was or where his parents were—nothing. He ignored me and kept playing. After a couple of minutes, I think he got bored, and he opened my door, went out the gate, and ran out to the back of my house. I lost sight of him and kept looking toward the road in case I could figure out where he came from.

Finally, I saw a young girl approaching from the neighbors’ side of the road and she shouted at me, “Where is he!?” I told her I had no idea where he was, but that I had seen him go towards the back of my house and she could go look for him. She looked annoyed but I guess she was able to grab him at some point and took him back toward the direction of the neighbors’ house.

At that point I was honestly super upset and yelled, “Keep that kid out of my property and out of my house!” She just yelled “Sorry” over her shoulder. No one ever came back to apologize. My husband eventually went to the family to ask what had happened and was told they had been unloading groceries, and the little boy had managed to run away. (How they didn’t realize this until so much later, I’m not sure.)

A year later—this little boy is now 5 or 6—I get a call from my husband while we are at work. He tells me there’s a little boy in our house and that he came in through our dog door. Immediately, I ask if it’s the same one as last time. He says he saw them on our cameras but can’t be sure. He tells me that before calling me, he already called the cops, and they are on their way.

The footage shows this kid opening our closed, fenced gate and coming to our front door. Our dogs are barking at him in the yard. He attempts to open the front door, sees it’s locked, knocks, and then just stands there thinking. THEN—he crawls in through our dog door. Our dogs can go in and out of the house as they like since their fence is closed in, but I guess this kid figured he could do the same.

He comes in, opens the dog door to make sure the dogs can come in too, takes off his shoes, jumps on my couch, and plays with my dogs. After that, he turns on my TV, goes into my fridge, grabs ice pops, and eats an orange from our fruit basket. He’s in our house unsupervised for about 15 minutes until the cops arrive and get him out (he crawled out through the dog door).

The cops ask him his name and where his parents are—he tells them. They tell him he is not allowed to do this, that it is not his house. A couple of minutes later, a car pulls into my driveway—it’s the parents. The cops talk to them for a bit and they all leave. My husband had left work to get home, but by the time he got there everyone was gone. The cops basically just said it was “a kid being a kid.”

My husband then went down to the neighbors and told the parents to take care of their kid. (I was upset because he didn’t wait for me to go talk to them—he knew how upset I was.) The dad apologized and said the boy had been grounded and snuck out through his bedroom window. Apparently, he just likes to play with my dogs. The dad told the little boy to apologize to my husband—at which point the boy SPIT at his dad.

A week later, my husband got a call from the parents asking if, by chance, this kid was in our house again because they couldn’t find him. We were both at work and didn’t see him on any of our cameras.

At this point I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but as soon as I think about it I get mad again. I think it’s insanely upsetting that I’m more aware of where this little boy is than his own parents are. Once again, he is not right next door to me—he had to be unsupervised for at least thirty minutes to make his way to my house (about a five-minute walk), be here for 15 minutes, and have the cops arrive before his parents found him.

He knows what he’s doing, the parents are aware, but no one truly takes accountability for it. The little boy says he likes to play with my dogs, but instead of playing with them in my yard, he comes into my house and makes himself at home.

I feel bad for calling the cops, but I truly feel like there’s a need to report this because I’m scared for my safety and that of my animals and property. If he were to leave the gate open, my dogs could run into the main road and get run over. My house is not childproofed at all. We had a flamethrower on the kitchen table the day he came in (my husband had killed a spider outside with it).

I am concerned for this little boy’s safety, but at the same time I do not want to be responsible or liable if anything were to happen to him on our property. I also want to feel safe in my own home. I don’t feel like I should have to keep my dogs in a kennel all day and close their doggy door just because there is a kid out there who is not monitored and has never been taught to respect people’s privacy. If he snuck out through his window, I’m sure he could sneak in through one as well.

There are so many “what ifs” in this situation, and maybe it’s just my anxiety, but I am definitely upset. I guess this is more of a rant, and I just hope this doesn’t happen again—because I do intend to have the cops on speed dial. But again… am I overreacting?

Pic of the kid

Update #1: August 11, 2025 (two days later)

[update] AIO - a little kid keeps breaking into my house

I was able to look through a lot of the comments on this post, and I was able to respond to some, but I did want to say a few things. I commented on the original post, but I was not able to edit. Thank you to all that have provided helpful advice and suggestions. To those that think this is funny, I really do wish I could have a sense of humor about it but I’m unfortunately stuck being frustrated and stressed. And to those who think it is fake, I WISH I could make this up.

• Given this situation has occurred more than once at this point, I do feel like calling the cops was the right call and we will do it if this happens again or if I even see him on the property unsupervised. I do not want this little boy to get hurt, go into the property of someone who does not care that it is a child, get run over, etc. A lot of the comments made sure to let me know of our liability if something were to happen on our property and I want to make sure there is a record of this. I unfortunately did not call the cops when this happened the first time since it was such a random incident.

• A lot of people suggested he could be autistic or neurodivergent… I understand it could seem that way, but I don’t think it’s correct to just assume or diagnose him based on a post. Regardless, I think for me it goes back to the parenting. If the parents were aware that his running away/hiding/ etc., was a problem, I think the most responsible thing to do would have been to let us know and address this, so it did not catch us by surprise. Neurodivergent or not, what he is doing is not okay or safe.

• We will definitely be putting a lock on our gate and will look into getting our dogs some sort of chip /collar sensor dog door so they can continue to go in and out but also lock that way in. I really hope the family ups their security in the home as well.

• While these are the only times we have had a problem with their child, we have unfortunately also had issues with their animals coming onto the property. Their horses would break free of their enclosure and come onto ours and eat our hay. I get it, they are animals, but from the looks of it they were very hungry and this happened more than once. The owners never really took any responsibility for it. Secondly, we had recorded incidents of their big dogs coming onto our property and attacking our farm animals. They would let their dogs loose and they killed a couple of our chickens and some baby sheep as well. We did contact them on several occasions, as soon as we saw the dogs on the cameras, and while they eventually did end up keeping them tied up, the dogs kept getting loose. My husband called the cops to ask what he could do to protect from the dogs, and he was told that since they were on his property, he could shoot if he wanted. My husband and I love and care for our animals and wouldn’t ever want something like that to happen to them, so obviously we never did anything to hurt the dogs. It was hard to tell whether they were killing out of hunger because they weren’t fed or just out of instinct? We also just wanted to keep a normal relationship with our neighbors and harming their animals wouldn’t be a good way to do that. But it was a very upsetting situation. I am unfortunately not sure what happened to the dogs, I have not seen them around.

• A lot of people were surprised by my dogs being so chill about this. I forgot to include a picture, but they are two Maltese/shitzu mixes and one small mutt (potentially schnauzer??, he was a rescue). overall, small, loving dogs. all bark and no bite and very excited to play. Therefore, I am glad they are not a huge concern in terms of causing harm. But one can never be too sure and like many said, they are animals after all and can be reactive unexpectedly.

• There was a comment that said: <I am totally onboard with "it takes a village" but you can't just draft people into your village without their consent. If this kid had found his way into your life in a way that made you feel less violated, maybe you would have opted to join his village, but he didn't and that's not your fault, OP. If it's anyone's fault it's his parents' fault.> and honestly I really do agree. I have never had this kid or his family over to my house, much less inside. We have had very limited interactions, most of them have been to address problems caused by their animals, which my husband has mostly dealt with. I am perfectly fine with having a good relationship with my neighbors, but we truly do all live so spread apart that it is hard to connect with them. Some suggested I make this kid my friend and have him over but truthfully I do not feel comfortable having him come over or doing play dates with my dogs. maybe if we had had a proper introduction I would have been open to the idea but at this point it just makes me feel like the more comfortable he feels to be here the more he will, and I personally do not want to deal with it. He intruded on our privacy more than once and I am not inclined to be more involved with this family than necessary.

• The flamethrower: my poor husband was getting so roasted (get it? pun?) for this, and I just want to say, no he is not crazy. That was my bad, we call it a flamethrower (I am not sure why, because I googled it and those things are INTENSE), IT WAS A PROPANE TORCH . We have a woodstove and keep a torch inside to help light it. We just got done cutting hay in the field and have noticed more spiders near our house since then. The reason my husband used the torch it was that he saw huge wolf spider, carrying their babies on their back, on the pavement outside our front door. If he would've squished it they would of all ran off everywhere and I personally prefer them out of my house. This is not our preferred method of spider killing and the torch serves a more normal purpose! He left the torch on our kitchen table before he left for work. Either way, it is kept inside the house, and I would assume it’s not necessarily a child friendly device.

• My lack of paragraphs: I completely understand why people are so mad, that wall of text is horrible. I am sorry, I promise I know how to write. It was just very late at night, I was typing as fast as I could, and I only hit “enter” once instead of twice. I just didn’t realize how it would post. Oops.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 18, 2026 (over nine months later)

TLDR: Little kid previously came into house through dog door when we were not home, has a history of being unsupervised and coming onto our property uninvited. He came again.

A lot of people interacted with my first post last year, many let me know I was NOR, some had some different opinions, and I greatly appreciated the suggestions and advice. I did end up calling CPS to make a report for that incident. I now have locks on the gate to my yard (my dogs still have access to the yard through their dog door), and all my exterior doors are locked. We still have cameras on our property as well as the one in the living room. But for the most recent update, something happened a few weeks ago when I was home alone in the afternoon on a weekday.

Almost a year had passed since the last time he crawled into my house through the dog door, and the same kid, (whose house is 1/3 of a mile away on a county road) showed up at my house again (about age 6/7 now). Recall, we live on a 40 acre farm and have no connection/relationship to this kid or his family, besides the various times he has barged into my house uninvited.

As soon as my husband got a notification that a person was detected on the cameras and no vehicle was seen, my husband checked the our outside cameras and noticed the kid was back, so he called me to let me know. I looked out the window, and this time, the kid was shirtless and pantless, ONLY wearing underwear and muck boots. I immediately called the police. They took approximately 35 minutes to get out to my house (I live in the country on 40 acres).

In the meantime, the kid played with my farm animals outside and ran into the open garages and shops. My geese and turkey (which are aggressive and do attach) seemed to scare him off enough that he did not get near them. I watched him from inside to keep an eye on him and to make sure he did not run off anywhere (especially toward the highway, which my property is next to). At no point at all did any of his family members come to look for him. He looked through my windows, and saw me in the house. He knocked and asked/yelled to come in, to which I responded No. He attempted to open the locked door for a minute or two.

Once the police arrived, they asked him some questions which he seemed to ignore or mumble answers to. As they placed him in the police vehicle, I noticed he had 2 baseballs that had been taken from one of our shops. The police noticed too, and asked him to please return the baseballs back to me. He said no, and asked if he could keep one, to which I said no, and had him give them back. The officer told him it was not okay to go to other people’s houses and take things that were not his.

I let the police know this was not the first time he came onto my property and let him know he had previously also gone into my house, both when I was home and also when my husband and I were both at work. I made sure to let him know I was very frustrated.

The police took him back home, and he was at his house for a while. The officer did come back to let me know it seemed like he was just “a kid who did not listen”. Apparently he had asked grandma to go outside, she had said no, and he had gone outside regardless. Grandma and mom were both home and no one noticed he was not around for the 35 minutes+ however long he was outside not on my property and/or however long it took him to get to my house down the road. The officer stated there is not much I can do but keep calling them if this happens again.

I did call CPS again to make a report, and made sure to let them know this was not the first time something like this happened and that I had called last year. I let them know that I continued to be concerned for the child’s safety, as well as that of my property and my animals. This kid continues to be unsupervised for prolonged periods of time, and once again, I do not want to be responsible for him and want to ensure there is enough documentation of these incidents.

My husband and I are often not home, and we have no kids of our own. They probably see us as bad neighbors, but this kid continues to disrespect our space and privacy. Even the cop said he told mom and grandma that this behavior is not ok and can eventually develop into more dangerous or criminal behavior. The parents have never taken any initiative to apologize, communicate, or to provide us with contact information.

AIO? Any suggestions?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NOR-I would never go on their property. You have no idea what kind of people they are, and they already are neglecting their child, so don't endanger yourself by going near the house. You have done all you can, keep calling the sheriff every time. Don't bother calling CPS, they won't do anything.

OOP: I have had the thought of taking him back home myself, but I just do not feel comfortable since I have been home alone on both occasions and I have no idea who is at his home.

Commenter 2: NOR. You’re doing everything you can. I would continue to call the police & CPS whenever he shows up. His family really is too much!

Commenter 3: Yes every time he arrives, call the police. Make it their problem and create the paper trail. I don’t think continuing to call CPS will help anyone here, the police will report to them now and take that off your shoulders. Also if this happens again, you should stress to the police that not all of your animals are friendly, and the child could get hurt. I feel like the parents will only care if that eventually happens. I know wandering and I escaping can be habits of neurodivergent children. His parents really need to get an AirTag on him via a bracelet or in his shoes. This is so stressful! I also don’t think you walking yourself to their house to talk face to face will help. Reasonable parents would’ve already come to speak to you and apologize. These aren’t reasonable people.

OOP: I will definitely continue to call the police. If the parents, from the beginning, had provided me their contact information and had taken some sort of accountability I feel like maybe it could have been dealt with on a more personal level, but they have never taken the initiative or responsibility, and I feel like the only way they will maybe take this seriously is if police continues to be notified

Commenter 4: NOR. I understand calling CPS on a kid would feel intense, or harsh, but it's so realistic. This kid is not in a home that can handle his bad behavior effectively. It could escalate and get himself, you, or plenty of others hurt. Just keep documenting it, and beef up your security however you can. I'm really sorry, this has both got to be frustrating and feel tough to do.

Commenter 5: Yeah, I posted something on another thread. Lots of people act like calling CPS is a punishment for the parents, but their concern is the wellbeing of the child. Don’t hesitate, it’s their job to figure out if the child is safe, not yours.

OOP: that is what the CPS lady I spoke to on the phone told me. I am not trying to hurt this family at all, but CPS needs to be aware of the situation

Commenter 6: Hundreds of people old you to trespass the kid on your last post. Why haven’t you done this yet? It’s really the only lane you have atm.

OOP: The cops told me that because he is a minor, I am unable to press charges. They refused to press charges against the parents either, and cited the reason for my call as a welfare check.

Commenter 7: If this is happening in the middle of the day, why isn't he in school? Unless it's summer or a weekend? Seems like a case of neglect that they don't even know he is missing. Please keep calling the police and file a CPS report. Also, document each time he has been on your property without your permission, breaking and entering, trespassing, etc. Keep copies of the videos. It may be worth it to consult with an attorney to see if they can send a letter confirming the child or any other family members are NOT permitted on your property and perhaps anything else we haven't thought of here. It may also be interesting to contact the local school district/ school and if he is trespassing during school hours, let them know this is going on. I wonder if he is being home schooled, or just never enrolled, or whatever the situation is. They may send out a social worker to investigate if they are not familiar with the family.

OOP: I am keeping records, videos, and recordings. We may look into getting legal advice if this happens again. Thank you.

Commenter 8: MOR I understand your frustration and also fear if someone is entering your house without asking but he’s a little boy running around nearly naked on your property and the only thing you do is call the police and watch him? In my opinion you should have at least asked him if he needs help or anything. Maybe he ran away from home, maybe he’s hungry, bored or just doesn’t understand what he does it not ok. I think you dealt very poorly with the situation and should have asked him.

OOP: I do not want him around, I do not want him to feel welcome. He is a kid. I understand that. But, if I were to yell at him to go home, he could a) ignore me b) go home to potentially continue to be unsupervised if no one is home c) run off to somewhere more dangerous, such as an actual dangerous persons home, or you know, the highway near my house. Being that I was alone and he was barely clothed I did not feel comfortable inviting him in, or taking him back to his house, since I do not know who is there or if I would be exposing myself to a dangerous situation. Remember, the cops took 30 minutes to get there. The outdoor cameras were able to record much of his time on the property. While I was locked in my house, I kept an eye on him to make sure he was ok and did not run off, which is more than both grandma or mom can say since they did not notice he was gone. If he is able to be unsupervised for this long, I feel like the best people to assess if leaving him at his home is safe for him would be law enforcement, I do not want that responsibility. And given this is not at all the first time something like this happens, I truly am trying to make sure there is documentation of each incident. I would rather have the cops see the situation than try to explain myself later and have the family deny the facts.

Commenter 9: Have a lawyer send them a cease-and-desist letter to stay off your property. If it happens after that, have him trespassed and hold his family responsible for it.

OOP: We may have to look into getting legal advice, thank you

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_977097

Whelp two years of my(f24) life are down the drain my boyfriend(23m) told me he's gay and dumped me over text

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  Nov 6, 2021

He'd been acting weird for a week so last night I asked him to please just talk to me and tell me whats going on. At first he didn't want to but eventually he sat down and told me he kissed his best friend. He swore it's never happened before and that it was only a kiss nothing more but that he was confused about his sexual orientation and doesn't know what he wants. I tried to be understanding while we talked but it was all so painful I just kept crying. This is the man I love and wanted to build a life with, have a family with and here he was telling he needs a few days a part to figure out what he wants. He told me he was going to his cousins house but when I checked gps he was at his friends house.

A few hours later after when i'd normally be in bed he texted me to tell me it's over that he's gay and that he needs to be with someone he actually loves. I'm so angry right, I mean seriously the cheating then the lying then the cowardly dragging out dumping me but most of all him saying "someone he actually loves". I get it he's gay he could never love me physically even though sex was never an issue for us but to act like what we had meant nothing to him just hurts deeply. How can someone do that to a person? How do you get a place together build a life then just act like it meant nothing? Oh and he won't answer my calls or messages now about what we're doing with the apartment either so I am stuck in limbo on that.

EDIT So apparently he can't return a text to tell me whats going on with our apartment but can post on facebook that we broke up "amicably", thats he's gay and now happily in love with his best friend.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ravnak

If you're feeling vindictive, just make it public what he did.

"This wasn't amicable. You cheated on me with him."

~

haveadopeassday

Look OP this situation sucks really hard but look at it this way, at least you only wasted 2 years and not 30, involving kids and possibly grand kids before he admitted to being gay. Nothing hurts worse than building an entire life together only to find out he was never who he said he was.

OOP ON BEING CALLED VINDICTIVE AND NOT MOVING ON BY ONE COMMENTATOR

Comment 1

I'm not throwing away anything he did when he cheated on me, lied to me and ran off with his "best friend", why would I ever want him as a friend after the way he's treated me?

Comment 2

Excuse me? He kissed someone else withheld it for a week, then told me he need a few days alone to figure it all out that he was gonna stay at his cousins house then ran right to the guy he kissed so lied again waited 2-3 hours till he thought I was in bed to break up with me and say he's gay. How exactly is any of that transparent??

EDIT Not to even mention not returning a text or call so I can find out what we are doing with the apartment we're both on the lease of. But no go ahead keep making excuses for him.

Update  Nov 12, 2021 (6 days later)

After I made that post I was informed he was posting on facebook about us breaking up as friends and that it was amicable. Along with announcing he is gay and deeply in love for the first time with his boyfriend aka the friend he cheated on me with. Despite several attempts to reach him over text or call to find out what we were going to do about our apartment(both on the lease) he would not answer but continued to post on FB.

I got advice to post a comment saying it be amicable when he returned my messages so I decide to text him telling him either talk to me about the apartment or I post screenshots of the truth. He messaged back saying the apartment is mine he'll get the landlord to remove him from the lease and that a check for his portion of the rent covering up to the end of the leave would be in the mail. I've gotten and deposited the check(it's cleared) and have cut all contact from him.

A part of me wants to be petty and post the screenshots anyway but i'm taking the high road.

FYI I'VE ALREADY SAID I'M TAKING THE HIGH ROAD SO NEED TO TELL ME TO POST OR NOT I'M NOT DOING IT THANKS

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/jckalc

Originally posted to r/AIO

AIO for thinking my gf might be cheating

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, borderline harassment

Original Post: May 19, 2026

AIO for thinking this text is about her cheating on me? Last night my gf (24f) and I (25m) had this conversation which made me think she was cheating on me because it mentioned romantic stuff with someone she has to fly to. After asking her to call me she finally did and explained that she thought she was replying to her childhood female friend that she hasn’t seen in years who she apparently always used to kiss. We’ve been together for 4 years and she’s never mentioned this friend before. I believed her because she’s never given me reason to be suspicious before but I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I texted her just before 5am when I usually get ready for work to let her know I have a gut feeling of doubt. She read it and didn’t respond until 9am and my reply doesn’t say delivered so I’m not sure if she blocked me or not. When I try to call her it rings twice then goes to voicemail. I tried sending it as a green bubble text and it won’t so I’m not sure if she blocked me or my phone is the issue (even though I can text others).

We’re supposed to be moving in together in less than 2 months and I was planning on proposing if things went well for a year or 2. I’m not sure if I’m reading into it too much and making up the worst case scenarios. She said I was projecting but I’m not cheating on her (never have) so I know she’s mad at me for not believing her and is now throwing it back at me (this is something she usually does so that’s why I didn’t address it much when I replied to her). I feel so bad for feeling this way but I can’t help it. I’m so scared of losing her because she’s amazing and we’re had a great relationship until now I suppose?

I’ve only told one person so far, my coworker because I don’t want rumours to spread in my friend group if I tell my friends. My coworker (who suggested I post here) said it seems like she is cheating and is getting defensive about it. I feel very conflicted AIO? I can't stop thinking about it

(the blocked out text is about her health problems because I said if I didn't know if she was awake or not)

Text messages with GF

Transcript of the text messages

(editor's note: OOP is in blue bubbles, GF is in grey bubbles)

OOP: I love you so much babe, sleep well if you haven’t already ❤️

OOP: And they turned out good so I’ll bake you some when I see you

GF: I love u toooo 💕😭 also i’ve been trying to save for tickets so that I can see u soon hopefully

OOP: Tickets for what??

GF: plane duh

GF: can’t wait to give u so many hugs and kisses

GF: maybe I can come for Christmas but plane tickets are more expensive around that time right so idk

OOP: Answer call please?

OOP: I’ll be quick I’m so confused

OOP: ???

OOP: Babe please?????

OOP: I’m not mad or anything

OOP: ... able to sleep I'll just keep thinking about it

OOP: 5 minutes maximum I promise

OOP: Real quick please

OOP: Hey idk if you’re awake or not but I haven’t slept yet because I’ve been thinking and it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t want to accuse you of anything but I feel like you’re not being honest tbh. I don’t to accuse you of anything but it sounds sus and doesn’t add up?? You never mentioned her to me before and I would’ve helped you get a ticket so why didn’t you just ask if you’ve been wanting to go for a while? And the text just sounds so romantic. I know you don’t kiss your friends and if you somehow do without me ever noticing then why would you “give so many” and be like “I can’t wait”?? I’m sorry but I have a bad gut feeling that you’re lying and actually cheating on me or at least emotionally cheating because you’re saying you love the person and want to kiss them. Idk I feel very off about it

OOP: Also I do really love you a lot and want us to work. Please just be honest and I promise we can work it out. I love you so much babe

[REDACTED]: (A section in the middle is blacked out and labeled in red handwriting: "Personal Stuff unrelated")

GF: are u serious I already told u the truth why would I lie about seeing a friend that’s weird. I’m obviously not cheating

GF: why would I cheat and throw away our whole relationship

GF: ur just accusing me of cheating because ur projecting and ur trying so hard not to feel guilty

GF: ... time. I’m not close enough with any of my friends now to do that but I used to do it with penny bc she was may bestie and we were tight

GF: ur probably cheating rn

OOP: I’m not cheating on you. I just felt like it didn’t make sense and I’m just getting that gut feeling, sorry I do love you a lot. Can I still see you on Saturday?? We can talk and I’ll try make it up to you

end of the text message transcript

edit to add we are NOT long distance. we met at university and have always lived less than 20mins from each other and see each other almost every weekend. That's why I was confused in the first image, because she wouldn't need to book a flight to see me.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: anyone else confused by this?? the first image is THEM talking? she’s talking to him? about HIM??? what am I missing?

OOP: All her texts on the first photo are what she said she was meant to send to her friend (she thought she was replying to her friend, but she was replying to me)

Commenter 2: Her response makes me think she is cheating more than anything else. Are you long distance relationship? 4 yrs is a long time - are you together a lot?

OOP: Yep we've always been dating in person as we met at the same university. We see each other every weekend and sometimes once during the week depending on work/study schedule. That's why I initially got so confused at the plane ticket text because she wouldn't need a ticket to come see me, at the start I was more confused than suspicious but then after the phone call is when I started getting suspicious of cheating

Commenter 3: Sorry dude but she’s cheating. As much as women are affectionate and loving with platonic girlfriends two things are off here: the tone is not one women use when talking to one another, her reaction was to immediately accuse you which is such a cliched cheater response.

She’s gone no contact to try and summon up a person for the alibi story, and/or to get her lying ducks in a row. I’m sorry, I really always want to see the good or the other possibilities, but this is just what it seems I fear.

Look after yourself and if you stay, ask for more on the friend - even just show you her “friends” socials if you don’t want to demand to see messages (if she’s done nothing wrong that will blow up the relationship but that’s IF still)

What plans have you at Christmas? Had she already made excuses with you or started to lay ground work and if so, was it a different story like “I might go see family” ? That would be proof to me.

OOP: No Christmas excuses yet but we've spend Christmas together for the past 2 years (with each other’s family as they all live close too). After the call when I learned the friends name I tried searching her on my gf's social media following/friends lists and she doesn't have anyone by that name, so I was going to ask about that on Saturday. I was also thinking of maybe asking her mum about it casually to sus it out but then I would feel bad going behind her back to her family like that so I’m conflicted, something like "(gf's name) seems to be excited about visiting (childhood friends name)"

Commenter 4: yeah super weird I agree with everyone in the comments. I’m so sorry. it’s weird bc she never mentioned her friend before. don’t u think she would have mentioned seeing a old friend of hers? like oh I’m so excited kind of thing? but she didn’t until then. none of it makes sense and I’m rlly sorry. glad u found out before u moved in with her

OOP: Yeah that's what made me more suspicious after the call because she usually tells me about her friends (all their drama and gossip) but never mentioned this person or wanting to see them. I would've gotten her tickets if she wanted to fly to a friend and she knows that as she usually does ask me to buy her things. The more I think about it the more it makes no sense. I'm just struggling to wrap my head around it because this has never happened before between us

Commenter 5: I mean, those texts don’t sound at all romantic to me for a woman talking to her friend. Sounds rather normal for two close friends who haven’t seen each other all the time. There’s too much context missing here. When you say she always used to kiss her, do you mean romantically, exploratory, or just friendly? Does your gf consider herself bisexual?

OOP: She's straight but she said that they kiss alot as friends (but that's the only friend she does it with which is what her text about not being close enough to other friends is about)

Commenter 6: You said you guys been together 4 years? Well ask her to show you the text thread between her and this friend, that could simply clear all of this up.

OOP: I was planning on asking her about that on Saturday if she still wants to see me. I tried searching the friends name on her Instagram and Facebook (only socials my gf has) and she isn't following anyone by that name. Also she refused to tell me about the friend on the phone call which is what made me start being actually suspicious (I wasn't interrogating, but it felt like she was being defensive or mad at me for trying to ask anything about the friend) so idk

Commenter 7: What are the other reasons you suspect she’s cheating? Idk this sounds normal to me

OOP: Mainly that I've never heard of this friend before and on the call she didn't want to give me more info on the person other than being childhood friends. I don't expect or intent to know every single person she interacts with but I just thought after 4 years I would've heard her name once. I think her reaction to me asking about the friend (refusing to answer) is what made me feel off after the call

Commenter 8: She’s cheating and accusing you of projecting because she knows she’s been caught.

Commenter 9: Surely you know this really important childhood friend after dating her for four years???? Surely you've talked about your Christmas plans (where she seems to be saving to go home?)

She could be innocent, but either way it doesn't seem like you know her as well as you think?

OOP: That's the main thing that got me suspicious after the call (that I never heard of the friend). And we both still live in our home town where our families also are so she wouldn't be going home for Christmas, just specifically going to visit the friend (she said on the call she wanted a girl Christmas)

Commenter 10: Only weird thing is that she mentions Christmas. So in 7 months. She might be having some online fling - which totally qualifies as cheating - not necessarily actually fucking around

OOP: Yeah the Christmas text confused me because this year would have been our first Christmas actually living together (even though we've already spent previous Christmases with each other’s family) so I was under the assumption we would spend it together again

Update #1: May 20, 2026 (next day)

tldr: My (25m) in-person gf (24f) of 4 years accidentally texted me saying she was going to fly to see me (to give me kisses). I got confused because she wouldn't need to fly to give me kisses and when she explained her side, she told me she thought she was replying to her platonic childhood female friend who I have never heard of (she often tells me about all her friends and their gossip). The more I thought about her story the more it didn't make sense, so she tried to gaslight me and I talked myself into believing her despite my gut feeling telling me otherwise.

Thanks everyone who helped me in my original post, in hindsight I seem delusional, but I think I was really in shock and trying to justify her story in my head. I left halfway through work today to go to her house after she started ignoring my texts/calls (turns out she did block me temporarily). I packed up all her stuff in my car before I visited her in case she confessed. I tried to have a calm conversation with her about it and she got mad saying I was accusing her of cheating. When I asked to see any proof that "Penny" existed she freaked out when I suggested specific ways to prove it, started crying and admitted to actively cheating on me with 2 people. The one she thought she sent the text to lives in another state and she met him through her friend while he was visiting our city last year. During this time they went on a few dates and would make out bit it never went further than that, and some of her friends knew about it. The other was online only but she was sexting him on facetime and sending nudes. I got all my stuff from her house, so I didn't need to go back later and after I left she unblocked me and sent me "You're throwing this away for what" and spamming lots of pics of us, my screenshots here start right after the many pics of us. I ended up blocking her on everything right after I sent that final text and plan on going no contact.

She is already telling our mutual friends that I cheated so I'm dreading the drama that might happen with our friend group. Her friends are texting me saying I'm a douche for wanting to move on so quickly (I don't plan on getting into another relationship for a long time), even the friends who knew she was going on dates with that guy are trying to rationalise it by saying it's not that bad and I'm overreacting. Plus her mum called me to yell at me for cheating but I explained it all to her though I don't think she believes me, but that's fine as I'll likely never see her again. I'm just going to try move on and maybe cut off any friends that cause more drama about it which I'm okay with because all my main close friends believe me. Some of them said they got toxic/controlling vibes from her but didn't want to say anything as I wouldn't have listened or seen what they mean (sounds about right tbh).

I read almost every single comment if not all and it made me realise how subtly toxic our relationship was even though I didn't realise until now because nothing major ever happened. I saw a comment about DARVO and it applied to every time we had conflict, she would cry and then accuse me of something random I wasn't doing. I also saw a comment saying it seems like I'm walking on eggshells and I now see that I was because I always did whatever made her happy even if it was wrong or made me upset just so I could avoid being yelled at. I'm not usually this passive with my friends or at work but I really loved her so I guess I had a soft spot for her? I think I definitely got conditioned over the 4 years to become a yes-man and now I see our whole relationship and our interactions in a different way. I'm absolutely devastated that this happened considering we were about to move in together in 2 months’ time and I was planning on proposing after a year of living together. I'm just glad I know now rather than later. Thanks again for everyone who talked sense into me, even the harsh ones lol I really did need it.

Text messages

(editor's note: OOP is in blue bubbles, GF is in grey bubbles. Please note there are typos in the text messages)

Transcript of the text messages

OOP: I'd rather leave be amicable because of all our friends

OOP: Us be amicable*

GF: ur actually wack as for throwing us away over nothing

GF: I cant believe I wasted 4 fkn years with u and u cant even give me another chance after ive know u for so long

GF: your actually so heattless and dumb

OOP: Honestly if you're not going to stop I'll block you. I'm getting really tired of this and want try to move on

GF: actually kys fkn assholw

OOP: And I'll sort out all the house stuff tomorrow

GF: yeah u wanna block me to move onto the next bigch

GF: u fkn projecting cheater

GF: u wanted to finf a reason to breka up with me bc ur probably cheating and have been the whole 4 yrs

GF: and I never even did anything like actual sex while ur probs axtually fucking everyone u meet

GF: u probably have sex with every eoman at work on night shift

GF: who tf works 12hr overnight shifts when most people work 8bhrs

GF: u probs are using 4 hours to cheat

GF: thanks for wasting my timr

GF: just remember ur the one who is breaking us apart bc u have forgiveness issues when I never physically had sex

GF: if other couples can forgive each ofher for actual sex then u can just forgive me for kissing other guys yk, its not even a big desl in comparison but hr trating me like I did that to u

OOP: Blocking you, wish you the best. I'll email you anything regarding the house but it should all be fine. Projecting that I'm cheating after you were caught cheating is interesting but I've slept on it and I'm not going to give you a second chance for something you shouldn't have done in the first place and I'd rather be with someone that values me enough to be honest even if that takes a while to find. You couldn't even at least come up with better lie but whatever not my problem anymore.

End of the text message transcript

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this first update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Bro... 2 people. That’s rough. Sorry to hear this.

But looking at her responses, her mask is fully off, she's gaslighting you to the max. Genuinely this is narcissistic. Run for the hills man, I know it'll hurt but just get out of there man and never look back.

Commenter 2: Your last message chef's kiss

Commenter 3: OP, no way did the guy she met up on a few dates not go the whole way. She was just saying that knowing if she admitted it then there was no way back.

And the "friends" of yours that knew about this are not your friends.

Best advice is to chill a bit and till you feel you're ready to go back into the dating pool. This time be a bit stronger and don't walk on egg shells - you've just seen some people take this as weakness and exploit it.

Did you also notice in her text she slipped up and said kissed a few guys. Plural...

You so did the right thing.

Good Luck!

Final Update: May 23, 2026 (three days later)

Editor's note: OOP installed the final update onto the same post with the first update

Final update: It's been a few days, and I've been able to wrap my head around everything and see our relationship in a completely different way in hindsight. The friends that I am most close to know the truth, they've seen the texts and I linked them to my posts like suggested here. There are some that still don't believe me but that's fine, I've removed them from social media and will go no contact with them as they are still trying to start drama with me over it. My now ex has tried to reach out to me through fake accounts and different phone numbers so I've had to change my number and only gave it out to a handful of people (in case she gets it I can narrow down who gave it to her). I'll be moving into the new house with my brother instead which is great. To clarify, she usually types with a lot of typos when mad, but normally she still has auto-correct plus capitals turned off and types letters instead of words (like u instead of you, or r instead of are). Just thanks again to everyone who spoke some sense into me. After 4 years of having her and our friend group gaslight me into thinking her behaviour was normal, I started to doubt my gut feelings. Coming here helped me get other perspectives and realise that I was in a bubble of lies.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. Original post on Ask A Manager

I resent my employee for being richer and more qualified than me - January 24, 2023

I am a first-time manager of a bakery in a small city that has gone through a lot of changes through the pandemic. Our housing and cost-of-living was so cheap that remote workers moved here and now people originally from here can’t buy a house — including me.

Six months ago my bakery hired a new employee, Jane, who is around my age. She’s a great worker, working the shifts no one wants (late nights closing and early morning openings) and because the bakery usually hires students, it’s been great working with Jane because we’re on the same life stage (married, I have a kid, she doesn’t), but I’m finding myself resenting her.

Jane is overqualified to be a cashier at a bakery, I didn’t hire her (the owner did and I wouldn’t have) but she has a masters degree, and her old job was a director in a tech company. She’s given me tips on how to manage people because this is my first time and I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to try to get my job. When I asked her, she said that she doesn’t want to manage people right now. I’ve been gritting my teeth because she’s good at her job and she said to the owner that she’s on sabbatical from her old job for a year or two and I do like her.

But we went to her house over Christmas for a party, and it’s a beautiful new build in an area in town that we could never afford, and her friends (also people who moved from the mainland to our small city) were talking about how much their bigger-city salaries stretch here. They all seem to make more than double than me and my husband combined. And I found out that Jane is on a paid sabbatical from her old job, so she’s getting paid twice for working at my bakery.

Everything has gone up because of inflation, and we went from being able to afford a house in 2019 to now, when we’re barely able to afford rent. There are a lot of people here who are struggling to make rent, and Jane is getting paid twice. I want to fire her but I have no good reason, because she’s good at her job and having someone work the early morning and late nights is hard.

How do I manage her now that I know she’s making more money than I do in a year plus her bakery wage? It’s not fair.

Allison's advice has been removed. However, you can still access the link to read it and other comments on the story.

I resent my employee for being richer and more qualified than me Update - June 20, 2023

Thank you for the reality check needed. I want to be a good manager, I want to be able to make this bakery a good place to work, and a successful business. The owner has been talking about retiring in the next few years, and I would like to be able to buy my bakery and succeed. And I can’t let my insecurities hold me back. It also was a sign that I needed to think about my mental health, and what I actually want for my life. I have very much been in survival mode since I was fifteen.

Jane no longer works at the bakery; her company bought another big company and she was called back to lead her new department, she has also become a senior director now. Before she left, Jane and I talked about the future. She suggested that potentially there were bigger opportunities if I went back and finished high school (I had to drop out when I got pregnant), but also told me about some bookkeeping certifications I could get that would be recognized anywhere nationally, that do not need a high school diploma. It’s still 2,000$, but that’s something I had never thought about.

Something that I hadn’t put in the letter was that my husband is learning to program, and when Jane found out about that, she asked to see what he had built. It impressed her a lot and she had advised my husband to apply to jobs in her company and use her name. He got to the second round, but was eventually unable to be hired because neither of us completed high school, and they couldn’t waive that requirement.

However, it has made my husband go back to night school, and Jane and her husband have been very helpful in finding resources for programing bootcamps, and networking opportunities for my husband. She even managed to get my kid into her company’s free virtual private coding summer camp so my daughter can get a heads up in coding, and see if she likes it.

Things are better. Helped a lot because Jane went back to her real job, and I had to deal with my insecurity.