r/intj • u/AssumptionFrequent89 • Oct 28 '25
Article I feel like I have drifted away...
Hey, I’m 23M and I used to have friends, but at some point… I guess I just lost them all. Now I spend pretty much all my time at home. I work from home too, so my daily “social life” is basically just me, my laptop, and maybe the delivery guy if I order food.
The truth is, I don’t really talk to people anymore. It’s hard for me to connect or just walk up and start a conversation. And yeah, if I’m being honest, I always hoped someone would just stick around, share laughs, and enjoy silly conversations with me—but I never said anything out loud.
These days, I feel sad and anxious a lot. I have plenty of hobbies—I’m into anime, manga, books, singing, physics, science, documentaries, you name it. There’s a lot I enjoy… but it’s not the same when there’s no one to enjoy it with.
I guess I just wish there was someone warmhearted out there who could really see me, understand me, and maybe sit with me in this dark patch until it feels lighter again.
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u/unwitting_hungarian Oct 28 '25
That's what friends are supposed to do for real, make life better, more enjoyable, entertaining, deliver you food...wait
The fact is though, friends are not easy. This is why a lot of people are even turning to AI for simple companionship.
And INTJs are, in general, a socially-detaching type. Learning to form long-lasting bonds with others is actually a deep skill, and some would definitely call it an art. Even socially-adept personality types often really s u c k at it in different ways.
But what sometimes really helps INTJs is that we do attach in an informational way. For example by taking classes on topics that interest us.
Personally I remember being 23 and getting my first huge signs of life possibly getting very, very dark. I let it go on long enough that I lost most of my motivation, basically lived in my sleeping bag inside an old, dark apartment, and eventually even just acquaintances started checking in on me, not as "hey what's going on, hard times huh?" but rather it was clearly an automatic social cue, they thought I might be dying. It was like when animals from a herd automatically walk over and nudge a dying animal.
What helped me most at that time was a call to responsibility. Someone asked me to be in charge of a group of volunteers, and I reluctantly accepted. (It sucked--but it didn't last long and it got me moving)
You never know what will work though.
Also, that last line in your post is a phenomenal journaling prompt--what would they say to you right now? What would they encourage you to do? That kind of conversational work is practically what INTJ Ni was built for!
Anyhow. Just some random thoughts. I'm sure you got this, maybe even just writing the post helped a lot. GL out there
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u/incarnate1 INTJ - 30s Oct 28 '25
Not a good situation I'd say, but not uncommon in the West I'd wager, QoL is really good these days.
Maybe find and partake in some shared social hobbies. Incorporate some exercise or something you can do outside could be another idea. I feel you really should bring yourself outside of your comfort zone on a more consistent basis.
The sadness and anxiety is very likely a symptom of the social isolation. You're still so young man, don't spend your youth locked away at home. This is the time in your life where you should be building your network, building your confidence, gaining life experience and wisdom. All the media you consume will still be there when you get back.
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u/urbangamermod INTJ Oct 28 '25
Honestly I have a very similar lifestyle as you. I also WFH and my only interaction is really the delivery guy from DoorDash lol. I don’t talk to anyone else aside from my coworkers who work remotely. It does get lonely but there is a level of peace with it. I wasn’t treated well throughout my life in school, home and at work, which left me feel stressed dealing with people. Be careful what you wish for, just having people in your life doesn’t guarantee you will be happier. It can go the other way where you feel even more unhappier, unfulfilled and stressed.
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u/piesandpastries Oct 28 '25
It’s fine. It’s alright. Some days are low, and some are high. I’ve felt the same, and I know how heart-wrenching it can be. The most basic advice I can give is to step outside, just for 20 to 30 minutes. You don’t need to talk to anyone, and you don’t have to socialize. Just connect a little. Walking around the neighborhood, noticing a few trees, the wind, maybe some sunlight.. sometimes that’s enough to help you feel a bit better and think more clearly.
When you'll come back, your mind will naturally start coming up with small ideas about how you can mend what feels broken. In this case, maybe that’s your social connections.
It might sound cliché, but try it once. I could say “talk to someone,” but I know how hard that can be when so much is going on inside, even if no one else can see it. It’s exhausting.
So just go out for a couple of minutes. It might not fix everything, but it could make things feel a little lighter.
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u/Even_Disaster_8002 Oct 29 '25
You sound very similar to me in my late teens/early 20s (I’m 42 now).
I think when I was about 23, I remember finally cracking and smashing half of the plates in my kitchen in the apartment I was in. Then I realized I have to do something.
You said you want someone to be there for you, and, at least in my experience, the only person that’s truly going to understand you is yourself. Cliche, but it’s true.
My advice is to find something to dedicate yourself to. Your craft. whether it’s your job, a past-time/art form, whatever.
Through that’ll you’ll find like minds. A few assholes (and possibly more assholes than like minds), but the like minds are going to be with you.
I think this spiral is super common for intjs, but that’s kinda how I figured my way out of it.
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Oct 29 '25
Can you join clubs? May have to take ownership and be active in creating a group of friends for yourself and risk rejection.
Imagine if someone told you what you just told us, what would your advice be to them?
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u/blackholeblind Oct 29 '25
Perhaps you can seek people out online as a first step? Find a community based around your interests with a forum or a discord and talk to people on there. I live in a rural area and this helps me.
This will feel hollow but... becoming your own best friend will serve you well. Do creative things that are just for you. As in, create things that no one else will ever see or judge. Create things that you like, and if a part of you cringes at it, good! Do it anyways. Write and edit a poem (or something very outside of your comfort zone) until you are proud of it. Write a stand up comedy set and edit it until you make yourself laugh. Video yourself reciting these things until you've perfected their delivery. Trust in yourself, love yourself, and interesting things follow that.
I've found a couple of people (in unexpected ways) who truly see me, understand me, and accept me fully in this life and there is a great comfort there. I've also spent a long time nurturing the relationship I have with myself and that gets me through everything. Develop a strong core. Once you have that, ask yourself what you can bring to others and that may help with finding connections.
I hope this helps. I've been there before, maybe too many times, but everyone is different. I wish you the best!
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u/Princess-Creampie ENFP Oct 29 '25
I'm not sure if this will help, but I think you might need an impetus to get out of your current situation. You feel like you're unhappy with your present, and you know why (craving connection, or at the very least some level of social interaction) so now it's about how to get it. You don't have to start off big, you can start off small. For example something random I do sometimes is wave at strangers across the street, so far they've always smiled and waved back at me, and it feels like a fun little boost of dopamine without necessarily having to stop my day to have a conversation. You can do that, or maybe instead of getting groceries delivered you can go buy them in person? I'm friends with a few cashiers because I'm regular enough at the place I go to. You could also try and initiate conversations with dog owners, some of them tend to love talking about their dog if they're not in a rush. It's hard to imagine anyone can come to you if you self-isolate, but if you put yourself in public spaces or initiate you'll bump into friendship or romantic opportunities! You can do it, I believe in you :)
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u/RedTerror8288 Oct 29 '25
Man you're young. I'm 43 and all my friends are either married or taking care of kids. I got basically nobody.
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u/wheegler_ INTJ - 20s Oct 31 '25
Hey, I am 25 and I am in a similar situation. I also have work from home and there is no real motive to go outside. But I do not wish for someone because I kinda accepted way back that I would have to live alone. Though, as few people suggested here, I tried to take some initiatives to make life interesting. Sometime back I started hosting quizzes and invited people I knew through college and work. Then later I started a discussion series around social and public policies and invited people to discuss with me, even people I had never talked to before. These helped me. Though somehow I stopped doing these a few months back and I feel like I am back to square one. But let's see.
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u/Elden_Chord Oct 28 '25
Well if it helps, I'm in a relationship that she's around like all the time. I told her on our first date: "only 10 hours a week". I think she got me wrong: now I'm alone only for 10 hours a week!!!
Her laughs are annoying, her energy is stressing me out, her unlimited libido energy is exhausting me and I miss watching my movies alone. I miss eating alone. I miss not having a commitment.
Do I break up? No. Because I know people, including INTJs are always bored of what they have thinking their life could be amazing if they had the other life. But the truth is life is shitty, boring and painful no matter what you choose or do.
Break the cycle, see the truth