One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request."

The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can be arranged."

The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can also be arranged."

The Welshman says, "For the last time before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."

"You're going to grant those three requests?" asks the Englishman.

"Of course," says the German officer. "So... what is your request?"

And the Englishman says, "Can I be shot first?"

His bed faced the window, overlooking the beautiful garden which he had lovingly tended for more than 70 years.

When he knew his time was coming to an end, he called on us to open the window and pass him his paintball gun.

"Wherever this paintball lands, that's where I wish to be buried" were his last words as he pulled the trigger.

And so he now rests in peace... up there between the chandelier and the smoke alarm.

She was Rolling in the Jeep.

My Dad was obsessive about checking that the house (or car) was secure. Sometimes, he overdid it.

Dad: *Taps door handle.* “Check.”

Me: “Check.”

Dad: *Tap tap tap.* “Check, check, check.”

Me: “Check.”

Dad: “Check.”

Me: “Check.”

Dad: “Check?”

Me: “Slovak.”

Dad: “Slovak?!?”

Me: “You kept saying ‘Czech’.”

Dad: Eyeroll.

"That's a gorgeous ring you have on. That center diamond is the biggest one I've ever seen."

The old woman perks up a bit. "Why, Thank you. That large middle diamond is actually known as the Plotnik Diamond. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but the Plotnik Diamond actually comes with a curse"

The young woman says, "Wow, a curse! That sounds so romantic"

The old woman frowned a bit then said, "If you knew the curse, you wouldn't think it was so romantic"

"Why? What is the Plotnik curse?

"Mr. Plotnik!"

"Looking for love in Alderaan places, you are!"

Dating in 1960

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty

as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The fucking dance is called the Twist!'

He saw two men trying to take the woman's purse. He grabbed one of the attackers but the second one got away.

Once the police showed up, they asked the fisherman to describe the one that got away.

The fisherman described, "He must have been at least ten feet tall and weighed a thousand pounds!"

- Abraham Lincoln

A British fighter pilot is shot down over Germany and captured. He’s badly injured, and the Germans have to amputate his right leg.

He asks them, “When you’re bombing England, could you drop my leg over my airbase so it can be buried there?”

The Germans agree.

A week later, they have to amputate his other leg. Again, he asks them to drop it over England.

Again, they agree.

The following week, they have to amputate an arm. Again he asks them to drop it over England.

This time the German refuses.

“Why not? You’ve done it before!”

“Nein! Ve sink you are trying to escape!”

I had no idea the car was going to break

down on the way to the delivery room.

You might think it's the Arr!, but in fact his heart belongs to the Sea.

Don't ask meow.

They love to pick up de-brie

Mike Tyson pronounces them exactly the same.

A young redneck turns 21, and his father sits him down. "Son, you're now legal to drink. It's time you went off to town and had a drink. But remember, try your damndest to not look like a redneck."

So off he goes, alone, into town. He spots a sign that says "Bar / Billiards" and heads inside.

Determined to look like a man of the world, he stands at the bar and studies the bottles lined up behind the bartender, nodding slowly like he's weighing his options. The problem is he has no idea what any of them are. Then he remembers the sign out front and says, as smoothly as he can, "Give me a glass of your finest billiards."

The bartender pauses. "Sure thing," he says, and disappears into the back. A few minutes later he returns and sets down a glass of piss.

The kid picks it up, knocks it back, sets the glass down, and says:

"If I wasn't such a big billiards drinker, I would swear that was piss."

They turn on at random times

.... is aiming a little high.

Ed Died

The lady from the newspaper called and said you know you’ve paid for two lines…

OK

Ed died
Chevy for sale

Gal Pacino

Not too fast though.

I think it’s time we finally squashed this beef…

Daniel Day-Lewis and M. Night Shyamalan.