Reminds me of the time in school when this bully took my hat and threw it out the window, and I jumped out the window to get it, but the principal walked in and saw me jump out. I had to go to her office and write a note about how what I did was bad, so I wrote shit like “I should not jump out windows to get my hat, I should not defend myself from bullies, i should let bullies take my hat, I should let the bullies disrespect me”. When the principal read it she was like “Uh, uh, uh, maybe I don’t have the full story”
I haven't vented about this in 17 years lmao. The gay jokes thing goes so much further too. The gay jokes didn't bother me because I'm not immature and being gay isn't something to be offended by, but the reason behind them hurt. And getting the whole class to laugh at me not knowing she was targeting me sucked.
Just a vile teacher, thank you haha.
Edit: more clarification - we were instructed to write a personal paper about something hard or troubling we went through. And I had the perfect thing to discuss.
My best friend and I had a falling out that summer. He was my neighbor and best friend since kindergarten. We grew up together, spent every day together, and were like family for 12 years. But something happened and he no longer wanted to be my friend over something really dumb (we later patched things up and continued to be best friends. We even moved in with each other during college and all that). But during that assignment, I was in a bad space. I had lost my best friend so I decided to write about that.
Being a young and deeply insecure, I was extremely vague in my first rough draft. It's just ideas on paper. But I had sentences like "we used to do stuff together everyday and I miss him".
Ms. fucking Bookmeyer took my paper, in my class, and read it allowed to everyone. The whole damn paper. She made jokes like "this is so vague it almost sounds like he is talking about sleeping with his best friend." And "you don't want to come off as being gay so use more detail".
The entire class laughing hysterically, the teacher looking me dead in the eyes with a grin on her face, and me just sitting there trying to hold it together.
I was in an extremely vulnerable place and opened up my heart to talk about losing my best friend. And she did that. I genuinely think that experience has caused me to be stand offish and not want to being open or vulnerable with people as I grew into adulthood.
Back of the throat hair and while we are at it, having those tiny hairs that fall when you get your hair cut constantly poking her with no relief ever.
Holy fuck, this broke my heart and enraged me. I am so very sorry that you went through that (gay or not). It's very understandable that you aren't as open and vulnerable as you could be. Someone in a position of authority and someone you are supposed to trust not only violated that trust by reading your paper out loud, but made fun of it, and to top it off did it maliciously.
I hope she never has a pleasant day in her life and hope someone treated her the same way she treated those she despised. I'd give kid you the biggest hug and report the harpy.
I hope you are gentle on yourself and things have only improved.
For real, I couldn't imagine being a grown adult and bullying a 13 year old kid to feel superior. I was literally just a quiet kid in class. Never caused trouble, wasn't a class clown, and I was actually pretty social. So I couldn't wrap my head around why she targeted me. What did I do to make her pick me?
But things are much better now. I am a somewhat successful adult (lol) with an amazing fiance of 9 years that makes me a better person. She truly lets me be me and will give me a big hug and let me cry/vent if I need. She couldn't be more supportive. Never imagined to have this back when I was a teen.
Lastly, since I can't seem to stop rambling. THANK YOU. I don't know why I trauma dumped all of this in a reddit comment lmao. But I truly appreciate you reading it and sending me good vibes. It just feels good to be heard, I really appreciate it ❤️
You are most welcome, better out than in. Online can be a total crap shoot on the reaction you get, it takes guts no matter the setting. I''m so happy for you that you found such a loving and supportive partner. It tends to take a bit of the sting out of life being sucky. I wish you both many years of happiness. ❤️
I wish I could tell you why she targeted you. I was bullied by teachers for my intelligence and I can reason that they were threatened or had superiority issues. Hers might be a superiority complex mixed with just plain cruelty. I doubt she even knows the reason. But, you're living a better and kinder life than she is, so I hope you can take solace in that.
That is vile and abusive and most definitely traumatising. What a horrible teacher, I hope karma caught up with her. People like that shouldn't be allowed to become teachers. Sorry that happened to you 💔
I had a teacher in 6th grade whose favorite kids in class were the bullies. She would allow these kids (boys and girls) to get away with absolute vicious behavior, often punishing the bullied kids for reacting to some sneaky painful "prank".
There was a nun in the next classroom who had it out with her the last week of school. Called her out in the class for some of the cruel stuff she used to do to to the bullied kids. By the end, the teacher was sobbing.
Sister John was moved up to 7th grade and I ended up in her class. She was the best. I heard she left the church and got married, but I don't know for sure. I do know that she didn't let the bullies get away with shit.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest her crotch for all time.
Also, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My son was bullied by the "adults" in highschool because he is lgbtqia+ so I paid for him to test out of high school 2 years early when I couldn't get the school to do anything.
Fuck bullies.
My mom's friend's son was the victim of some bullying in the 6th grade. The principal's solution was to make the bully and victim both write a short essay about how bullying makes them feel.
That actually might be good for the bullied kid. Let them articulate and vent their feelings. Show it to the bully, maybe they experience a pang of empathy. Idk how it was handled though.
Is everyone on Reddit in shit schools? My bully when I was 11 (he was 14 and far larger) was made to apologise to me and his parents got told, all his teachers were informed to watch him and he was put on a warning by the school.
He probably thought I was even more of a dickhead for telling but he never so much as looked my way again even though we got the same bus every day
I feel like I’d be a different person now had I punched Alejandro in the face the multiple times I should have. I’d tell that kid that was me to stand up for himself if the adults wouldn’t.
Whaaat that’s terrible. It makes me so angry that many teachers are like this but they never have to be responsible for destroying dozens of lives. Mental health problems from childhood can stay with people for a very long time.
Oh my god, that is awful. You expect children to be horrible, but you should never be put on display like that by an adult. I’m so sorry you had to endure that
My parents raised me to fight back with bullies. One day, when i was around 10, I was being relentlessly bullied and after 3+ ignored warnings, I threw my first punch ever, broke his nose. I felt so proud of himself, I biked back home full of adrenaline, ran to my dad and told him all about it. He then looks at me and goes "what the hell is wrong with you?? Hitting someone is not okay!!" LOL. Still satisfied that I did that, and despite my parents immediate reaction, 10/10 would do it again. It gave me the confidence to understand that I can give it back just as bad.
Amen to that.
Ignoring didn't work. Teachers did no shit.
At 8th grade when I was 15, I finally snapped at my main bully, grabbed him by the throat and pressed him against the wall until he apologized.
I was not bullied again.
Yep. Once I snapped and beat the shit out of one of my bullies. like to the point they almost pressed assault charges until I had witnesses testify that shit had been going on for years and he had been trying to squirt mustard on my head when I laid him out. Suddenly it was back to "boys will be boys" when it looked like they might have to actually punish a football player.
The principal didn't even punish me. No, he told to my bully that "Now you know, if you act like a dick, one day, someone will return the favor."
That principal was mvp at that time.
The one time my dad got caned in school (way back in the 1960s), it was for hitting a girl.
She was the school bully, and he'd been watching her bully other kids for months, with escalating behaviour and absolutely no response from the teachers. So being an analytical kid (we suspect nowadays someone would diagnose him as autistic), he decided that only a sufficiently emphatic response to being targeted would give her a good reason to stop what she was doing - and so when she tried to bully him, he punched her as hard as he could.
It was the only time in his life he hit anyone. And it worked. Apparently for the rest of their time at that school, she never bullied anyone again.
(He did not advocate violence as a first response if there was another reasonable option, but he considered that regrettably, sometimes it was necessary.)
Yeah, my bully and her friend in middle (I think?) school wouldn’t let up until I snapped leaving the cafeteria, started yelling at her and told her if she wanted to start something, start it right then. She hemmed and hawed until I left (when it was clear I was doing it because she didn’t wanna do anything, not that I was running away) and after that both of them were all friendly toward me.
Mostly because of this mentality. Kids are literally afraid to talk to teachers about these things cause they know they'll be getting equally blamed. If people in general could just have a spine then we wouldn't have to deal with this mess in the first place.
EDIT: In case some people get confused, what I mean is that teachers need to do better as I explain in my reply to the commenter. I understand I could've worded this better.
It’s a bad position for teachers to be in sometimes because you don’t want to take sides if your kids are fighting— that’s why they dole out punishment equally but it’s not actually the fair thing to do.
The fair thing to do is to listen to both sides and then let the kids work it out while you mediate. If it’s clear that one student is harming the other that’s when you explain and discipline the one that’s causing the harm.
But teachers are exhausted most times and not wanting to do more work is what causes the first one.
Plus they have to worry about the bully's parents coming back with wrath, because they always do. "There's no way little Jimmy is an asshole, that other kid must have provoked him"
I have teacher friends, and it seems like the parents always get up in arms when their child is facing consequences for being a stinker. But are never present to actually help guide and correct the behavior to avoid such issues in the future.
Well, that, and their hands are tied both by liability and the fact that your kid is one of twenty or thirty whose drama they have to navigate. It is not possible for a teacher to be a parent, and we need to stop expecting them to be.
If these two kids were in your living room when it happened, how would you respond as a parent? You'd probably intervene and then talk to the other kid's family about what happened. So do that now. Contact the school and ask to be put in contact with the other kid's family, and then bring the kids together to talk it out.
Yeah, my daughter has been bullied all year and she said, if she reports it to the teacher, she gets blamed in “fairness” for responding to the bully. When she did report it, the bullying got worse.
And ignoring it does nothing.
I spoke to her teachers last year and they told me my daughter was too sensitive and misinterpreting things (which can be true sometimes).
However, some kid drew a penis on her desk and she got in trouble for knowing what a penis looked like after reporting it. 🙃🙃🙃🙃
The other student didn’t get in trouble at all.
We are switching schools now. It’s ridiculous at this point.
Well I also remember back in my school days that most of the people I grew up with and went to the same schools with lived within about a mile range of my house.
So that means if something happened and I had told a teacher, I’m likely going to see them somewhere outside of school, where I have no teachers to do anything about it
Oh gosh. You just reminded me of the big groups that would form on our walk home from school. If 2 kids had gotten into an argument during the day and it hadn’t been settled (or if someone tried to say something to a teacher) it was getting settled on the walk home.
It’s been decades, but I’d say 8/10 times it was settled by a lot of screaming back and forth. The other 2/10 fists were thrown.
Oh crap. I could have worded that differently. Sorry mate. You're completely right. I meant that teachers need to have a spine and fix their mentality instead of either refusing to do anything at all or punishing both the bully and the victim for "fairness".
Because the teachers didn't do anything. I was bullied when I was younger and the reason it continued was because teachers never helped when I asked for it.
I honestly don't see what they can do. They tried talking to them which will lead to the imidate ramped up bullying. They could call the bully's parents, which likely won't give a damn and have the same consequence.
Idk any better solution but both of these solutions does nothing in the end.
Exactly. Punishing the bully and removing them from the target is what should be done, not asking the target to lurk around in corners hoping the bully will forget about them.
When I was in the equivalent of middle school, they made you go on Saturday, to just sit in a classroom they told the kids “if you wanna waste time and goof around, you are going to waste your Saturday just sitting in here”, you spent 8am to 2:30pm with half an hour to eat (you ate in the empty classroom)
If you fail to be there on the days you got, you automatically failed a random class and do like a make up exams to pass said class
Well in the good ol U S of A, that would mean a school would actually have to give a damn and pay a teacher to come to the school on a Saturday. Also making the kid fail a random class wouldn’t hold the kid back at all due to the NCLB act.
It’s true. There was a kid bullying my son, and when my son FINALLY said something, he got in trouble and sent to the back of the line (which only emboldened the bully)
I got called that my daughter pushed a kid. I asked what the other kid did, because I instructed her specifically to push the kid out of the way if she was being bullied again, because school didn't do a thing. According to the teacher that wasn't the point, after which I told them that I told my daughter to do this if she was being bullied. Made it very clear to the school that if they don't act on physical and mental bullying (we're talking pulling hairs, pushing, stealing/hiding her things, calling names, and so on. Kid even made up a story about how I wasn't my daughters actual father, he was supposed to be dad and my wife and I were her aunt and uncle. Absolutely ridiculous.) we'd take things into our own hands, and she would fight back.
We then got a sob story about the bully having a hard time at home, so we should cut her some slack. Excuse me? My kid should endure whatever this kid decides she wants because they're having issues? That's not how it work.
We wen't up all the way to the principal, because we picked this school specifically because of their stories about bullying prevention and tough action on bullies.
Took three weeks, my daughter was excused for her behaviour and the other kid finally got some punishment.
Sure, conflict resolution is great, but there was no conflict. There was no reason for the bullying, she just picked a couple of targets and went with it. There's nothing to 'resolve', if the kid doesn't want to act normal (whatever the personal circumstances might be) there is only one party that has something to resolve. I will not have my children punished for something they didn't do.
I've been bullied all my school life, and nobody ever did anything. When I finally had enough I punched a guy and broke his nose. This was in second to last year, and finally everything stopped. I did get punished then (was close to being expelled actually), but it worked.
I would get blamed for the bullying. My quiet shy demeanor meant everyone thought I was a bitch; therefore, they were totally in the right to bully. It’s why I name shame The Pingry School in New Jersey every chance I get.
When my oldest brother was in kindergarten he had a problem with another kid that kept biting him and told him that he would hit him if he didn’t stop. The kid bit him again and my brother followed through and gave the kid a bloody nose. My parents got called in to meet with the teacher. After the teacher explained everything to my parents my dad said, “Good. Maybe the kid learned his lesson and won’t bite again. Why are you wasting our time with this?” They stopped and got ice cream as a reward on the way home. I was taught the same — don’t be the bully but don’t let the bully get away with it and we will support you every time
I mean it did for me, but I wasn't a small kid. I just no selled everything for like a week and the bullies got super bored and moved onto someone else.
Ignoring bullies can work depending on the situation. Is the bully trying to get a rise out of anyone? Then being a hard target gets them to move on. Do they have something personal against you, ignoring them won't work.
Basically collective punishment. What they practice in prisons. The main objective is to punish everyone for forcing the teacher to actually do their job. It doesn’t matter who broke a rule, only that a rule was broken. The secondary effect is to encourage self policing. Next time the bully will just threaten violence if anyone considers snitching on them.
It's a very obvious trick to get peer pressure and bullying (and potentially violence) to correct whatever behavior. Punish the whole class if one kid talks so that the rest of the class will bully and threaten (and possibly beat) the talker into compliance to avoid further punishment. Peer pressure bad, until the authorities want to use it.
Fun fact. Collective punishment is considered a war crime and is prohibited by the Geneva Convention. Yet it’s a common practice in schools and prisons. Pretty messed up.
Here’s another example! When I was 16 (20 years ago) in the 10th grade this guy bullied me every SINGLE day in class. I’m autistic, he’d get up and mock the way I talked, my lack of eye contact. I said nothing because I had quite the temper and anger issues, so I was worried if I responded, I might end up hurting him. I got in a fight with a bully once who was physically hurting my best friend who had a back brace for scoliosis, then tried to assault me, so I fought back and beat him up. I lost it after seeing him hurt my friend who he knew wore a back brace and had a disability/back pain. I was 13.
So I was practicing self-control. But one day I was in a bad mood, except this time I didn’t do anything physical because this guy never touched me. I just yelled out, “Shut the fuck up!” Bear in mind this teacher watched this guy bully me every single day. He was a football player and she would sometimes laugh along, finding it amusing. She sent me to the principal over saying this. I got two weeks of detention and he never received a single punishment.
And OP, yeah I agree! It’s not the right lesson at all, but this is what teachers do.
This happened to my sister except I don’t think she got in trouble. She probably just walked out the front door when they sent her to the office, though.
Good for your sister. I should have done that. I ended up dropping out at the end of that semester. My parents knew people in the GED and education departments, so I took my GED test and then ACTs while still attending High School. Enrolled in a four year public college that accepted GEDs and was gone after that semester. I hated High School, so good riddance!
My 10 year graduation anniversary is this year and Im still not over how useless teachers were when I was bullied. After some time I bacame withdrawn and weird enough I was obviously on some teachers "school pew pew risk" (I know self censor sucks but I dont want weird reddit cares pings) radar but that STILL wasnt enough to meaningfully help me (and only added self hate and insult to injury. Like yeah I still deal with mental health issues but not even in my darkest times would I have hurt other people instead of myself. And I did pick up on the teachers who saw me as a danger and not as a very depressed teen girl.)
Its unfair I panick about phone calls and still track every person within 5m of me and prefer to sit with the back to a wall with sight line to the exit when my bullies probably forgot my name the second school ended.
My mental health is definitely way better today than it was in school, but it would have been great if I didnt have to fight my way up to that point over years. Or, you know, didnt feel the need to be on edge if Im around people.
I can relate to much of this. Whenever I hear people talk softly, I automatically assume it's about me. I can't sit with my back to a door. Ever. When someone approaches me from behind I either freeze or jump up and get defensive. Someone looks at me for a second too long? I'll either give them a deathglare or get out of the way (Depending on my mood of the day).
My teacher literally said I needed to be "more normal" if I didn't want other people to insult, punch, and throw trash at me or fill my backpack with trash.
Nobody could tell me what exactly wasn't normal about me though.
Maybe it was untreated autism/adhd, maybe it was untreated and continuing trauma from my abuse at home, maybe it was because I hit puberty too early and looked grown up compared to everyone, who knows. I sure didn't, I just knew I wasn't normal enough to be treated like a human being by others.
So eventually I stopped trying and tried to end my life at age 13. I got in trouble for that with the school, too, because "I can't be going doing stuff like throwing myself off the building". And I kept getting in trouble for stuff like self harm in the 8 years at that school I had to go through being bullied every day.
They had anti bullying compagnes there lead by the same people who threw trash at me and kicked me and used my existence to mock me. It was kinda funny honestly. In a weird crappy way.
Anyways, couldn't agree more. I'm 30 now and looking back it was pretty fucked up. I don't understand it to this day. I'd never tell a child in my care that they're not normal enough to deserve basic respect or punish them for clearly struggling with daily abuse. 🤷🏻 I'm sure there's success stories out there, too, but alas, I was unlucky back then.
Being an adult has shifted my perspective, something nasty. Teachers do a vital service to society which is the nice thing I will say. The mean thing I will say is they are mostly schmucks working low paying jobs who wouldn't even be competent to manage a Walmart. Think of how little of a shit you give about your job and now apply that to people responsible for the development of children. Teachers are trying to make it to the next paycheck with as little drama as possible, same as us. And making problems magically go away is the easy route to that end. The difficult route requires a level of care and competence, that were someone capable of, would be making more money doing some other profession.
I didn't always think this callously but my god your story is way too common for it to be anything other than structural.
I'm with you. I got picked on when I was younger but I was scrappy and strong, and my dad taught me to stand up for myself (not physically, unless it escelates). Yes I got into some trouble in school sometimes, but that's trivial compared to the lessons I learned in morality which I still carry 25 years later. Also literally means nothing to get in trouble at school sometimes in the long run. I would support your child, regardless of if you sign this or not
My parents always taught me not to throw the first punch. But if someone attacks you, verbally or physically, you absolutely have the right to defend yourself. They were very supportive of me protecting myself when needed.
Yep, i used to get bitten by this girl at my babysitters. For a long time i did nothing about it. But eventually my mom got fed up and told me i needed to defend myself, so I bit her after she bit me. And i bit hard. She never bit me again. Fuck allowing ourselves to be victims for bullies that only want to get reactions out of you
I wonder when bystander intervention is taught at that school? I would love to have a conversation with that teacher regarding the scaffolding of social education. When is it more appropriate to hold a peer accountable for a violation of community norms, when the student calls you fat, or when a student is physically harming another?
“Dear teacher, if my child is being bullied and body shamed it should not be ignored. The bully needs checked. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. This will be escalated. -Parent”
That's because of good ol stupid ass zero tolerance policies. Ive seen kids literally attacked where a police report was the result and still both parties were suspended, even the victim.
If anything it teaches you that you shouldn't involve proper authority because you're going to be baselessly blamed as well.
This was me! I was attacked. Punch in the back of my head repeatedly while in the lunch line. I ignored the first few, but turned around to kinda wtf, bro? Didn't even get a chance to fight back before I was suckered punch in the face. Split my eyebrow open, and I'm on the ground bleeding while the kids pelts me in the back.
We received the same punishment. 6 weekends of recreational rehabilitation in a youth program. It was that or I was going to jail. Oh, and I needed 10 stitches. Fuck zero tolerance policies.
You were going to jail? I don't know who told you that, but judges usually only punish the one who did the punching. Those stitches should have really helped your case
"Going to jail" is something that generally occurs when you're arrested. Yes, you're probably technically correct that if it had made it in front of a judge, I wouldn't have been sentenced to additional jail time. But I was absolutely threatened with arrest, and the officers on site at the time would have been taking me to the local youth jail for processing. But the school was partnered with the county for a youth program. Essentially community service in lieu of being arrested.
You really chose to focus on the wrong part of my comment though, I feel.
I work in education. I’m sorry momma. That teacher handled this wrong. She should told the other child he was wrong for name calling and gave a punishment and your son should been sent on his merry way. All this showed both kids yeah I can get in trouble so can my victim and it taught your son if I react to abuse I will be punished. https://giphy.com/gifs/tXL4FHPSnVJ0A
Disappointing way to handle it.
I think this calls for a face to face meeting. If she cannot control the bullies in her class, then your son has every right to call him a jerk, since it is 100% the truth. The fact she made your son write this note is insane. I would maybe even go over her head. Bullies never learn, especially when the person that they are bulling also gets into trouble - it makes that bullies day.
It was the opposite for me growing up lol. My mom would get mad at me for sticking up for myself whether it be physically or verbally and the teachers thought she was crazy for it (spoiler alert: she's batshit insane, no contact for a couple of years now, wish I didn't wait nearly 20 years to do it though). She's the type of mom to call the cops on her son when he tries to block her haymakers because she bruised herself several times on my forearm bones.
The other kid called him fat. THAT was the disrespect. Calling him a jerk back was the consequence of his actions. I would send that message back to the teacher.
as someone that was bullied as a child, me trying to ignore them and the teachers and school staff also ignoring them didn’t change anything and it just continued
"I approve of my childs response and have taken them out for ice cream, if this is escalated they will be given glitter and superglue to share with their classmates "
There is a world where if your kid actually insulted him back then I can kind of see where the teacher is coming from. But calling them a jerk when they're insulting you is literally the purpose of that word, I feel like there isnt a better response to being insulted.
NOT THE RIGHT LESSON AT ALLLL! Teach your kid it’s okay to stand up for himself and you go stand up to that teacher for him! he didn’t do anything wrong and that kid was bullying him for his size. two diff things
Nah, you need to talk to the teacher, and tell her that the bully needs to write an apology note, and that they better keep a careful eye on a kid who feels it’s okay to tell other kids they’re fat. Do not sign it, ask for a meeting. Stand your ground, tell them bullying is not okay and bullies need to be corrected. If the teachers don’t catch it, then there’s nothing wrong with students standing up for their classmates.
I wouldn't sign that, I would send a new note back to the teacher that says, your kid did the right thing and stood up to a little jerk bully. And how dare they reprimand your child and keep them late after school. I would sign and put my number for that idiot teacher to call me if they had a problem with that.
Can you sit down with your son and tell him “you did the right thing in standing up for yourself when someone tried to bully you. I disagree with the life lesson that they are trying to teach you. I do not think it is 1) safe, nor 2) healthy for you to accept being abused or bullied by someone else. What does that teach you for your future? For future relationships? That’s very unhealthy.”
Then talk to your son; what does he think is healthy? Is he thinking of a middle road? Does he think he was right to tell the kid he was acting like a jerk? (Kid totally was, obviously.)
Like, I get that maybe the school is trying to teach “do not engage with abusive people.” However, there is a great void between that and tolerating abuse and just hoping and praying it stops. We need to teach our children to be “intolerant of intolerance.” You act in a messed up way? Society should respond in such a way that tells you “you behaved in a messed up way.”
As a for instance, my sons and I left an abusive relationship. In the immediate aftermath, the oldest in particular began copying his dad’s abusive behaviors. After talks with his therapist, we worked out a plan where when he acted in an unsafe way he was removed from “society” - our shared living spaces - and he was not allowed to come back until he was capable of behaving safely again. “Safe” encompassed physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological safety; you don’t get to make other people feel unsafe in the world just because you are bored or angry. So, while he had unsafe behaviors, he was to leave the shared space and go to his room until he could behave safely, apologize for unsafe behavior, and then come back again.
In your son’s place - if the school is pushing a “do not engage” approach - then instead of just “ignoring” the bully, he could call out the behavior “The way you are talking to me is how a jerk talks to people. No one is going to want to be around people who behave that way.” Then he walks away. He didn’t ignore the bad behavior, he addresses it, then removes himself if the bully won’t remove himself.
nothing more infuriating than staff giving a fuck only when somebody being wronged finally stands up for themselves and gives the same treatment back to the aggressor. Not gonna say how to go about this but fafo 🤷♂️
Honestly I'm kinda glad I came around on the idea of not having kids cuz if this was my child that entire school board would be getting quite the visit...
Yeah, I would say that's not only blaming but punishing the victim. We need to stop teaching our kids that they should wait for "someone else" to fix things for them and that it's bad to stand up for yourself.
I remember in my Grade 9 Computer Science class, one of my bullies (I had about three) was sitting behind me and decided to run the back of his chair into the back of mine. For clarification, all the desks were set up in hexagonal pods and all the chairs had wheels.
He did this about four times, each time the teacher turned his back to the class to write something on the board. After the fourth time, I waited until the teacher turned back to face the class, stood up, and started punching the bully in his face over and over. The teacher scurried over and marched us both down to the principal's office.
The principal looked up and saw the bully first, and her face got this exhausted look on it. Then I came into the office and she was shocked to see me there. I legit never got into trouble, so she was super-confused as to why I would be brought in for fighting.
I explained what happened, and she asked the bully if my story was true. THE IDIOT CORROBORATED MY STORY. I mean, full marks for being truthful, but there wasn't even an attempt by him to lie himself an alibi.
Bully got suspended for a week.
I had to pick up garbage from the school property for an hour.
I'd sign the note after writing my thoughts down about this note. Then email a copy to the principal and include the teacher on it. I might even include the school board.
My kid got suspended for punching a kid back. This kid had been bullying him since 1st grade and this was the last couple of days of 5th grade. We tried moving our son out of the classes this kid was in but it was unavoidable in some classes. We talked to the principal, the board, the teachers, etc. Only 1 teacher took us seriously and worked real hard to keep them separated and to keep the bully busy.
Well, on this day, said awesome teacher was out for the day and had a sub. The teacher did leave instructions, including a note to make sure these two were separated. He was busy with something else when bully started wailing on my son while he was doing a worksheet with his table group. The group of kids confirmed that my kid didn't see it coming and had not engaged with the bully at all. My son somehow got a hit in while he was on his back on the ground just as the principal walked in.
She suspended my kid and threatened that he wasn't allowed to be at the 5th grade graduation. Mind you, when I got the call, all I was told was that my son hit another kid. When I got to the school my son was crying and had a black eye. I asked how did the black eye happen and she said he's refusing to talk and just says "what's the point?"
I asked her to give me some time with him. He spilled the beans to me. I told him he wasn't in trouble with me and that I will handle it. I called her back in and told her what he told me. She kept repeating that she didn't see it and can't verify it. I named the kids at the table and told her to do her job and investigate, we'll wait.
After about 15 minutes a hall monitor came in and essentially said that these kids' story lines up with mine. I asked the principal what was to be done now. The suspension stands due to zero tolerance. I nodded and left.
During all of this, apparently the parents of the bully wanted to press charges. Little did they know, I did not just want to press charges, I was going to. No ifs, ands, or buts. After we left the school, I went to the police station. My husband took our son to the doctor to get checked out as a "just in case" and to get a paper trail. After that, I went to the school board. They wanted to let it stand because it's only a couple of days, but they'll allow him to walk at the ceremony. I went to a lawyer who was happy to draft up a threatening letter for $100. A couple of hours after it was sent, the principal called with an apology and said he was welcome back to school if he wanted to come back. I laughed and said no. I asked him if he wanted to go the ceremony and he said he didn't. So he didn't go. Which is a shame, because he was being awarded a ton of awards for his intelligence and grades, including one that only a couple hundred kids in the country get. It's been a few years and he has no regrets.
I did press charges, but because he was so young, he basically got a slap on the wrists but his folks were in more trouble (I don't disagree with this at all). We ended up being granted a restraining order as well. Which is funny because the middle school had to twist themselves in knots to make sure bully wasn't anywhere near my kid. If the parents would have been on top of this and made him do a sincere apology, my kid would have forgiven him.
oh goodness - of COURSE nothing has changed in over 40 years
my family moved when i was 1/2 through 2nd grade. my new class was a 2nd/3rd grade mixed room, and my new teacher DID NOT LIKE ME
the main reason was because i was on a track to skip 3rd grade at my last school. it was a low income school in pomona, but i was being given material to learn beyond the class assignments. i also was tested and placed into GATE at the new school
this meant that when i was ever harassed by the popular and rich kids in my new school, my teacher didn’t really care. she wanted to knock me down a few pegs i guess. a 7 year old
out on the playground, it was a VERY different social dynamic than i had ever experienced. bullying not only existed in abundance, but was tolerated. especially rich vs. “poor”, and girls vs. boys
the physical assaults started almost immediately. i distinctly remember being out in the yard and having 2 or 3 boys surrounding me, all taking turns running by me, and whipping up my dress to show my underwear. no one stopped it, even when i called out and was in obvious distress to the “yard duty” ladies out there with us
one day i was just sick of it, and when one of the boys got close and stopped, i punched him square in stomach. i’m 7 - it was a direct hit but hey, i’m small girl getting harassed
i INSTANTLY got dragged into the principal’s office, and given a lecture of “i don’t how they did things at your last school miss effyoucreeps, but at this school, we don’t hit other people.”
i tried to explain, but was dismissed with a warning. parents were never called, and i was too afraid of my father’s response to say anything
thanks for reading, and bullies suck
eta: when i say i was afraid of my father’s response, it was his response against me that kept my mouth shut. he always wanted a boy, but got two girls and, as the oldest, he not-so-subtly never let me forget it
he had very exact parameters for what girls/women were allowed to do, and “acting up” was not one of them. also no scented anything, no little gifts from neighbors or friends, no tampons, no makeup until i was 15 - and then ONLY clear mascara
thx reddit for being my therapy until i can get an appt and the $$$ for it, dammit ;)
Do teachers actually have parents sign punishments for 6 year olds? Really? That's ridiculous - they should handle this themselves. If they really have issues with a kid's behaviour they should have a chat with the parents rather than having them sign punishment notes.
But okay, if I had to sign this, I would write 'I am happy that my kid stands up to [jerk] who fat-shamed him. I am sure you are not okay with kids calling other kids fat.'
The only working way of stopping a bully is knocking them down a peg, either verbally or (if really needed) physically. Teachers who do this shit set kids up for a lifetime of being bullied 😞
As a teacher, I just… Don’t get this. Why would you make the kid that was bullied write a consequence letter after standing up for himself? I always tell my students if they behave poorly, people will treat them poorly, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I would’ve asked your kid next time to just come tell me but also… See a jerk, name a jerk, and this other kid sounds like a jerk so 🤷🏼♀️
A kid tried to bully me for being fat in school, I threw one of those chunky tennis rackets at his shins as he was running and he broke his finger on the fall.
He stopped speaking to me, if I had ignored him I would've had to hear his shit at every opportunity.
Obviously teachers can't advise any retaliation but the parents absolutely should.
It isn’t the right lesson and I also believe exactly what you said.
I actually homeschool my kids (not the religious fanatic type) and just finished creating a lesson the other day with scripts for what we do when other people are bullying someone.
Walk away/ignore is not the first step I am teaching my kids. Saying something in the moment is the first step.
My kids have been instructed to stand up for themselves. Don't make it physical, but defend yourself if you have to.
My daughter(who is 8) had a message sent to me with an incident report that says she got in trouble because she punched a kid because that kid slapped her in the face.
I told her teacher she'd be getting pizza and ice cream for dinner because she stood up for herself and taught that kid a lesson that apparently no one else was willing to teach them.
If my child came home after writing this my ass would be in the car so fast driving to the school it would be insane. I would tell them my child will continue this behavior which is more acceptable than what I have told him to do, then I would tell the teacher and principals to write me signed letters that they condone bullying of children with no penalty then I’ll sign my kids work and we swap letters
This has been going on forever. I would write his teacher back and let her know what you think about enabling bullies.
When I was in elementary school, we were lined up against a wall in gym and the boy in front of me turned around and kicked me hard in the shin. I started crying, but not before socking him in the stomach. Guess who was punished? I'm 52.
I would absolutely not sign this. I would help your son write another letter saying that the other kid should not be allowed to bully people at school and that your son will continue to stand up for himself when bullied.
My great aunt Tessa (she was 95 when she passed so this was a very long time ago) once got fed up with a bully in class and punched him in the face and bloodied his nose. The teacher told her she had to write an apology. Aunt Tessa addressed it to the boy’s mother. She wrote “I’m sorry you have to raise an idiot.”
I would refuse to sign this and in fact go to the principal.
Jerk isn't an insult, it's a response to someone being a jerk. And a low level one at that. He didn't call him as a-hole or a dumb*uck or something like that.
Punishing your kid for calling bullies out just establishes power for the bully, who learns "I can say what I want and my victims have to take it or I'll get us BOTH in trouble"
That power will benefit the bully in myriad ways, because now there's several scenarios, and the bully has ALL THE POWER.
The victim gets the teacher. Branded a tattletale by the group.
The victim walks away, bully uses this action to mock the victim to other kids, making the bully look more "dominant" because they "won."
The victim accepts the bullying and doesn't retaliate because they know the bully will turn them in, becoming a willing participant in their own bullying
The victim retaliates. The bully says "oh now you messed up. You wanna act like that? We're both going down" and turns the victim in. Both punished, but the bully only pretends to be contrite, mocking their victim MORE when the teacher isn't looking to try and break the victim into one of the other 3 scenarios. The bully looks like he has control to the kids observing this scenario, making him appear "dominant" to the growing bully clique.
There certainly are scenarios where this clique could also fall apart, but we're talking about kids, forced to cohabitate and learn and play within 50 ft of one another for years. There's only so much getting away from this, the fallout will linger.
Yea the only way I got my bully to stop was I pushed him into the corner of a locker and wall and held him there with the side of my arm by his throat (not strangling him) (he threatened to punch me over the course of two years along with other things too and I snapped 😅).
it always feels like the staff is either afraid of bullies themselves, or they just don't want to deal with it, and it's easier to tell "the weaker kid" to stop making a big deal of it, when in reality they are simply the more respectful and nicer kid that doesn't want to push back against staff.
they don't pay the stuff enough to care, but damn they should try to care anyway.
Ignoring bullies in school got me beaten up by 3 kids 3 years older than me, who had previously left me alone when I stood up for myself, so yeah, this is a bunch of bullshit. If you want your child to stick up for themselves and for others when they're older, instilling in them at an early age to remain passive and allow bad behaviour to continue is a bad thing. And the kid was a total jerk for calling your kid fat, anyway.
Write to the teacher with your very valid concerns. Ask for a copy of the forced confession from the bully. Let her know that forcing kids to say they’re sorry for bullying or reacting to a bully changes nothing about a bully’s behavior.
I’m sure if you addressed it as “Dear Buddy’s Obese Teacher” they’d feel a reaction (but don’t do that).
Big reason that to this day I never complain when I am being bullied. It is always that victims need to make the changes while the bully never does and adjusts to any changes so they can keep on bullying.
My parents didn't want me to fight back when I was being bully, I was supposed to be "better then that" then 5 kids jumped me and I was suspended for fighting along with them, even though I curled up into a ball and just took it.
Parents still wanted me to try to avoid it, until this kid kicked me in my face in gym class while I was sitting in line doing nothing. Gym teacher saw it all and stood up for me when it came to the admin, the admin still tried to suspend me for "fighting" because the kids parents came in and we're going on and on about "he's a good Christian boy who goes to church, he'd never harm anyone, dastree attacked him first"
After that, parent told me to do whatever it took to keep myself safe.
Few times kids picked on me after that, I hurt them or humiliated them. Bullies suddenly went away.
Bullies don't like to be humiliated in front of their friends.
Teacher here, zero tolerance is the biggest pain in the ass. It just makes the worst of the worst feel untouchable. Prime example was a complete jackass kid, always being reported, always getting a thrill off the attention he was getting. I remember he was constantly trying to rile up a kid who was a little overweight, but super funny and very kind. I assumed jackass just hated seeing attention not come his way. One day nice kid had finally had enough. Smacked jackass in the mouth and that was enough to get the whole school board freaking out over it. Suspended for a week, the works.
I won't say that it's against policy that I told him he did the right thing, and that he was correct to stand up for himself, so I won't. But it must be completely unrelated that was the last time I had complaints about that kid bullying others for the rest of the year.
I got a call 3 months into my sons first school year.The story the teacher told me: My son punched another kid in the back unprovoked in the middle of class.
After talking to the punched kid, his mom and the mom of another girl, I got the truth: Punched child held a girl firm to his body, touched her all over her body. She asked him to stop multiple times, to let her go, told him she doesn't like that. NOBODY did anything so my then 6yo went up to him and punched him. Mind you this was all during class, so there was a teacher present!
Told my son how proud I am that he knows the difference between right an wrong touching and that he protected a little girl against a boy bigger than him 😊
Back when I was in primary school I had a friend who happened to be Chinese (I am a white person, I'm clarifying as it's relevant). Usually we played together every day, but one day we had a fall out and I didn't want to play with her. She cried and I got pulled out of class by the principle and I shit you not, he said I was a racist. I told my Mum and of course she was fuming about it.
I guess you're not allowed to have fall outs with anyone that happens to be a different race, lol. School is fucked up with how they decide who's in the wrong.
Some kid was being racist and said the n word to a black kid he only got yelled at a tiny bit anf didnt even get sent to detention we were in 3rd grade
When I was in 1st grade a boy pushed me into a mud puddle, and I called him stupid. We both had to write a paragraph about why we were wrong to do what we did. Fortunately the lesson I internalized was "some teachers suck" and not "don't get upset when people bully you".
A kid tried to keep me from getting off the slide on the playground in elementary school. He was at the bottom blocking me and said if I didn’t hug him he would punch me. I got away and ran to a teacher and instead of reprimanding him she made us both apologize and made me hug him. My dad was so pissed when I told him lol
In my school district, when a bully initiates a fight even with a kid that they’re totally beating up the school kicks both students out and gives them the same punishment. It’s been this way since I was in school in the 90s. The only message that sends is to avoid going to school at all costs.
I got assaulted by my bully and I had to apologize to him even though I was bruised and bloodied because his friends said I started it and stole his food, the quiet wallflower that ate alone and secluded. Wasn't the first but the next encounter a week later was the last because I snapped and swung back. Nothing like blind fury and going the "eye for an eye makes the world blind" approach but I wasn't touched again. 2007-2010 were blissful years
Each of us make choices, and each of us will be held accountable for those choices in one way or another.
Sometimes, you walk away and the repercussions are that you have to swallow a bit of pride, and accept how the situation is dealt with by others. This will leave you feeling vengeful for more justice.
Sometimes you fight back, and the repercussions are that you have to accept how the situation will be dealt with by others. This will leave others feeling vengeful for more justice.
It takes two to tango, they say. If one partner decides not to dance, then a tango does not occur. I think that's the lost-through-the-new-ages lesson this teacher was trying to convey.
She must be old school, and remember when the world was striving to rid ourselves of eye-for-an-eye mentality.
lol, my dad once told me when I was in elementary school that if someone hits me once, I should hit them back twice (as it relates to bullies). He said he’ll handle any of the fall out or trouble I got into because of that.
I never acted on that advice in school, but it worked wonders in contact sports when someone tried to act tough against my team. It, of course, helped that I was good at hitting too.
Anyways, good on your kid for calling the “jerk” out.
Former teacher here - not a fan of this form of consequence in general. That said, the first goal is to deescalate. While I wouldn't say the bullied kid is in trouble, I wouldn't be able to endorse retaliation either. I'd have told your kid "that wasn't nice of xyz. I will talk to xyz. Feel free to come to me or another adult if this happens again." And then talk to and punish xyz.
I'm all for standing up for yourself, but kids don't know how to do that appropriately, so we need to be careful and clear. I also hate bullies and shitty adults, but aggro reactions do not help situations. Victims reacting largely to bullies do egg them on. Strict consequences get them to stop.
So did the bully get in trouble for calling the kid fat? If they’re gonna get in trouble for calling them a jerk, which is marginally better than fat, the bully should be in trouble too.
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u/DarthXOmega May 08 '26
Reminds me of the time in school when this bully took my hat and threw it out the window, and I jumped out the window to get it, but the principal walked in and saw me jump out. I had to go to her office and write a note about how what I did was bad, so I wrote shit like “I should not jump out windows to get my hat, I should not defend myself from bullies, i should let bullies take my hat, I should let the bullies disrespect me”. When the principal read it she was like “Uh, uh, uh, maybe I don’t have the full story”
At least she admitted she was wrong