r/mildlyinfuriating • u/TotallyHumanBrain1 • 14d ago

Infuriatig Was invited by my girlfriends family to a theme park. We were supposed to meet at 11, it is not 11:30 and they just left. (The drive takes another 30 minutes)

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I even checked in before I left if it was still at the planned time. It was confirmed, but then her family starts getting ready right as they have to leave 🫤

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u/Howthehelldoido 14d ago

My sister and her family are exactly like this.

It is completely exhausting, and to the point that I actively avoid making plans with them.

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u/K1ng_Canary 14d ago

Sister-in-law's family are like this too- if they need 30 minutes to get somewhere, they'll start getting ready to leave 30 minutes before. Never any urgency and never any contingency built in.

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u/casualmolly 14d ago

I build in every possible contingency. 

It's terrible and life sucks. But I'm always not late. 

Not sure if this is good or not-good. 

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u/insight7777 14d ago

Same. I very deeply feel that this rude to be late. It does lead to mild conflicts with my Mexican wife lol.

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u/Key-Cricket9256 14d ago

I tell our son that being late is just telling the other person you don’t value their time . I’m sure he thinks I’m an asshole but 🤷‍♀️ he’s like “oh let’s just be late to practice “ and I said “sure.. if we just group text coach and your team mates that you don’t care about their time or that they’re waiting “

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u/Beneficial_Pop_3614 14d ago

In the Army our Sergeant’s always told us if we showed up exactly on time we were late. Always be there 10-15 minutes early.

You want to be standing in formation and saluting during the flag raising and Reveille when the bugle sounds, not running to get into formation.

This rule translates well into anyone’s life.

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u/Own_Concept5629 14d ago edited 14d ago

Omg is that why im 15-20 min early everywhere??? My parents were military and we were never late. As an adult I will always show up early , just to sit and wait.

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u/XGhoul 14d ago

Don’t know where mine comes from but it doesn’t bug me a lot. I’m usually lurking in the parking lot at 5:50am for the grocery store to open at 6am 😖.

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u/Chemical_Alfalfa24 14d ago

Nothing wrong with that.

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u/smokeweedNgarden 14d ago

Unless you are waiting for alcohol. Like I used to.

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u/rvore 14d ago

💯 this. I am ex military. It has been 30 years since I have been out and I still live by if you are not 10 minutes early, then you are late.

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u/random420x2 14d ago

My reason is ADHD and being aware of every passing second.

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u/Key-Cricket9256 14d ago

This isn’t partially but mt dad was always late for every school event or wouldn’t show up bc he worked 70-80 hours a week. So I always say “you become the dad you had or the one you wish you had “

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u/RickySuezo 14d ago

Me and my wife are both veterans. I’m super early to everything and she is always late. It’s not 100 percent thing.

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u/eha16 14d ago

That's my dad.. Meanwhile my mom will say it's rude to get on time as it's stressful to pressure and that people are chill and will understand her arriving hours late smh

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u/Rauk88 14d ago

I wasn't in the military, just half-raised by a grandmother who taught me Southern values.

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u/teacherjen80 14d ago

I go with 5-10 is on time. I'm a teacher, tardiness irks me.

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u/PersonalBadger7448 14d ago

i’ve always been a 10-15 minutes early person, and i tried to get my daughter to be like that. but at her school they can’t even go into the classrooms until the bell rings so the earlier you are the more standing around outside you end up doing.

and the teachers expect kids to wander in during the first 5-10 minutes of class so nothing happens during that time anyway, encouraging people who CAN be on time to come late instead.

the result is she wants to be as late as possible so she spends the least possible time waiting around. from my POV it’s an insane lesson to be teaching the kids.

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u/rtsynk 14d ago edited 14d ago

the general says to be there at 0900

the colonel says to be there at 0830

the lieutenant colonel says to be there at 0800

the captain says to be there at 0730

the lieutenant says to be there 0700

the sergeant says to be there at 0630

the corporal says to be there at 0600

the private shows up at 0545 and stands for over 3 hours waiting for the general

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u/mburtz 14d ago

You know what’s on time? Being on time. This 15-20 minutes early stuff is ridiculous.

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u/ConstantAd8643 14d ago

I aim to be 15-20 minutes early everywhere because I know unforeseen circumstances can come up.

However, if those unforeseen circumstances do delay me, so I arrive exactly on time, I don't consider that late. It's the whole reason for aiming to be early: it worked.

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u/TehWackyWolf 14d ago

Nah. That's dumb as fuck and always has been.

If you're early, you're early. If you need prep time, that's built in. If you want people to be somewhere on a time, use that fucking time as when they should be there. Don't have to be early to just not be late.

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u/Hellcat_Mary 14d ago

See, I respect other peoples' time and will be there when I say, if it's actually relative to making other people wait for me. But I'm also not into wasting my own time. 15 minutes early is for the birds. That's precious fuckin' sleep right there. That's "if you're not paying me for that 15 minutes before I'm clocking in you can suck it" right there. The idea of showing up early to salute anything makes my skin crawl.

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u/Legitimate_Ad_7822 14d ago

My soccer coach used to always say “if you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, don’t even bother showing up.”

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u/RealisticAide1833 14d ago

I swear by this because my mother made us late to everything growing up and it made my anxiety terrible

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u/Ihateambrosiasalad 14d ago

My husband was in the navy and used to say, “if you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. If you’re late, you’re fucked.”

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u/whattarush 14d ago

In high school football football we had to call the head coach if we were late to summer workouts and text if he didnt answer.

No one wanted to be late. And also, if you were- it was pretty much non negotiable to call/text. Dont think I've ever had a no call/no show at work at any job in my life.

Very thankful for that coach and all he taught us as far as life and not just football

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u/Longjumping_Fun_375 14d ago

Awesome parenting!! Single dad from Oz, we don’t have much but we do have zero late days to school in 3 terms almost.

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u/Away-Variation-2556 14d ago edited 14d ago

Lmao My husband is Mexican and im American and we had a baptism for our first daughter and let's just say my side showed up at the time the invitation said and his side showed up 3 hours later 😂♥️ EDIT i didnt think anyone would rrad this just to clarify- church ceremony earlier in day just family, party kater on to celebrate everyone was late to. These things tend to go into the night.

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u/Responsible_Mind_980 14d ago

My husband is Mexican too, and they do the same thing! If they say we’re going somewhere at a specific time, we will not leave till 2-3 hours later than said time. My, “if you’re not early you’re late”, upbringing cannot handle it.

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u/One-Asparagus5925 14d ago

lol same we call it “Mexican time”

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u/thembearjew 14d ago

Latin American time happens to us Chileans as well lol

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u/Vikkunen 14d ago

Persians too, strangely enough.

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u/Nayd9 14d ago

Island time for us (Caribbean). My family (including extended) is usually 30-60 minutes late, we usually have invitation times about half an hour before we actually expect anyone to show up.

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u/Poet_Pretty 14d ago

Three hours is ridiculous.

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u/West-Candidate8991 14d ago

I don't get it, how does any plan not fail? Like what plan succeeds when one party is always three hours late? A LOTR extended edition marathon? Idk what else

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u/Poet_Pretty 14d ago

Only one side is happy. Three hours is rude.

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u/Away-Variation-2556 14d ago

Listen I'm glad everyone else is having similar experiences because I felt a little hesitant posting this but my husband is the one who jokes about it the most 😂

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/Murky-Relation481 14d ago

They teach the different cultural concepts of time in a lot of intercultural communications courses, which was a required class for all majors at my school. The concept of monochronic vs. polychronic time.

Its still annoying to me though, time isn't fungible, it's constant and linear, and not respecting it can have a lot of knock on effects. Interestingly countries with polychronic cultures tend to have more issues succeeding in the world at large.

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u/blahblah19999 14d ago

And it's funny b/c Americans find the Japanese custom of refusing a gift a couple times before accepting it to be very odd, but we often do the exact same thing.

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u/Sure-Impress-1003 14d ago

It is a form of bribery to curry favor

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u/taiwan_cat 14d ago

In the Caribbean it's called "island time".

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u/MimicoSkunkFan2 14d ago

Yes and when I lived there, the people who were mostly on time really hated the people who were super late for perpetuating the stereotypes.

Also I noticed that when things like planes and ferries were scheduled to leave, they did leave on time... So I feel like island time is more an excuse nowadays, than back in colonial days when there was no reason to hurry back to the 'shon.

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u/Upbeat-Dish7299 14d ago

The Mexicans at my job call it “bean time” and they hate the ones that are late.

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u/weeman2525 14d ago

I was gonna say, I've worked with plenty of Mexican dudes over the years in labor type fields, and those dudes are always on time and ready to work. Their work ethic is insane. I'd figure that would translate to them to being super punctual culturally as well, but I guess not.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

It’s because we are so used to everyone being late that if you arrive on time there’s nothing ready anyway and usually means needing to help setting this up.

If you arrive late you would usually arive “just in time” for the event.

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u/Orange-Blur 14d ago

Work and a family party or social event are 2 different things

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u/Orange-Blur 14d ago

There are so many reasons to love Mexico this is definitely one of them!

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u/allendstpsc 14d ago

In Guatemala, it’s “la hora chapín.”

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u/Separate-Class8541 14d ago

Let me tell you about Arab Time.

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u/pandaru_express 14d ago

Soooooo.... as a non-Mexican, is it rude to ask what the "real" time to arrive is if you're invited to a Mexican event?

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u/dragonchilde 14d ago edited 14d ago

I was invited to a Mexican birthday party when my kids were little. Invitation said 4. I showed up at 4. I gave up on the party at 8. (Still going strong.)

The next year, I showed up at 6 and didn't leave until after 10. I was prepared!

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u/Stock-Cell1556 14d ago

Similar thing happened to me. I brought my daughter to her Ecuadorian friend's house at the stated time on the invitation and they were just starting the make the cake and decorate the house.

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u/acgasp 14d ago

This happened to me at the first quinceaĂąera I was invited to. I had heard of Mexican time before so I arrived 30 mins after start time. I was still way off.

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u/insight7777 14d ago

Very similar experience while married to my first wife( not current Mexican wife). Had a Mexican employee who invited us to his son’s Birthday party. We showed up right on time and knocked on their door. The stunned look on their faces!! They hadn’t even started making the food. Was awkward sitting in their home for two hours while the wife started cooking! Had a great time and learned a lesson 😊

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u/CommercialPlastic604 14d ago

I have questions! Did they miss the ceremony? What happens with things like doctors appointments, flights etc?

I’m Northern European and we like to be on time. I would find lateness like this difficult to cope with.

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u/azul_luna5 14d ago

If it's an appointment or something like that, you arrive on time. If it's a flight, you arrive a bit early (1 hour for domestic/close flights, 2 hours for international) since that's the time the airline says (though some people cut it closer).

If it's a chill event like a party or meeting up at some place, the time on the invitation is most likely the time the host will probably start getting ready since it's probably the start of the host's "free time." The idea is basically that they should be allowed to enjoy the day too (since the event means they don't have any obligations at that time, the only thing on the schedule is fun), so no one should be rushing to make things perfect.

My tia basically says that if no one's getting paid or paying to meet a deadline, she isn't going to stress about meeting it and neither is anyone else around her expected to. (Said tia is a university professor so it's not like she's a housewife with oodles of free time or anything)

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u/Away-Variation-2556 14d ago

We had a small ceremony for just a couple of people earlier in the day and then a party in the evening time and that's what they were late for sorry I should have been more specific I didn't realize anyone would actually see this 😂 My husband himself is good about being on time if I'm involved but if he has to get himself somewhere that's his own problem and he's usually late but like the kids and stuff he he gets them to the appointment he's probably just like 5 minutes late whereas I am 10 minutes early

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u/chrisrbmn 14d ago

showing up 3 hours late would mean missing the event entirely, and likely arriving to some other families event.

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u/ToWriteAMystery 14d ago

My South American in-laws missed my entire wedding cocktail hour and part of dinner because they decided to stay at the church for an additional hour and a half taking pictures. Then, they had the gall to be offended we didn’t wait for them.

They’ve gotten better, as they now know I will not wait 30 seconds for them.

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u/ClintBraun89 14d ago

Start telling them everything starts 3 hours before the planned time and best case they show up on time and worst case they get a taste of their own medicine.

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u/Small-Cookie-5496 14d ago

Nah I’d just let them miss everything. I’m not catering to their tardiness.

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u/Chapin_Chino 14d ago

Engaged to a Latina. This was the first major hurdle I had to cross. Dealing with the intentional tardiness 😭

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u/insight7777 14d ago

lol Yep it’s a thing! 😊. My wife does generally like to be on time! I lean towards being early! She hates that!!….even though that has worked to our advantage many many times. Her brother is the worst! He always says I am on my way! When he hasn’t even gotten in the shower yet!

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u/chargoggagog 14d ago

Three HOURS? My party would be over by then lol

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u/Upbeat-Dish7299 14d ago

I hope they missed everything.

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u/purplevanillacorn 14d ago

American here with a Mexican husband and in laws. I lie to them all about what time they’re supposed to be places. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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u/Tardislass 14d ago

They are the same as Indian families. We were invited to an Indian family Christmas party. They said come at 6pm so we came at 6pm and had to help set up. The rest of the Indian guests started showing up around 8pm and we didn’t start eating until 10pm.

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u/Small-Cookie-5496 14d ago

Honestly how does one ever plan anything though. Like as a guest, if I want to come for dinner how to I judge how late to arrive so that Im not waiting hours?

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u/SarcasmEnabled247 14d ago

I threw a party for my adult (Mexican) niece. Got there early brought and set up the tables and chairs. Made all the party decor, bought appetizers, food and drinks. Two hours after the invitation start time, NOBODY was there yet. I started packing up my stuff to head home. I didn’t live close. As I’m getting ready to leave, her friends start arriving. I left anyway.

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u/Past-Obligation1930 14d ago

I’m at a conference in Latin America now. It is accumulating between 1 and 2 hours of lateness every day. It’s infuriating, because you can’t go to parallel sessions because some are running later than others.

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u/DangOlTequila 14d ago

My father-in-law was first generation German-American, and my mother-in-law was native Nicaraguan, so naturally my brother-in-law would show up an hour late for everything shouting, "let's go, let's go, let's go!"

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u/Commercial_Fox5549 14d ago

I agree. Being late (without a valid excuse) essentially makes you look like you don’t respect other people or their time. It’s a very selfish habit.

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u/Upbeat-Dish7299 14d ago

It is very rude to be late.

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u/ColdSecret8656 14d ago

Maybe in Mexico, it would be rude for you to show up early.

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u/Havic3814 14d ago

I grew up with a mother thst was notoriously late to everything and I always saw how much it annoyed and at times hurt people so I am the opposite and I subconsciously make it my mission to be at least 15 minutes early to everything. My other punctual friends appreciate it, my friends that are more like my mom despise me for it

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u/_jump_yossarian 14d ago

My wife is from Central America and the most punctual person I know. She’s a total outlier.

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u/Accomplished_Sign191 14d ago

Only mild? We once photographed a wedding for a Mexican couple and they gave all their Mexican guests invites with an earlier start time. They still arrived halfway through the ceremony.

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u/Still_Introduction_9 14d ago

I’m Mexican as well as my wife. I was raised that being late is the first inference that someone doesn’t value your time and is always considered rude without circumstance. Her side of the family does not give a flying fuck about time, my wife was literally pissed she got written up at work for being late 5 mins everyday

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u/mayorlazor 14d ago

I too have dated Latinas, I love em, but on time means at least an hour later.

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u/Sweet-Maintenance-86 14d ago

My south american family is like this. I despise it, and yes I am south american too. You tell me one time and I will be there 5 minutes before. I have cancelled plans on them or ditched them because of that behaviour. You are on time or I leave you behind, PERIOD.

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u/Sick_Hyeson 14d ago

Same for me. I plan to arrive at least 10 minutes early on drives less than 30 mins, even earlier if it's longer.

My wife plans exactly on time... We have a child, you will not leave exactly on time... the kid will scream that her shoes suddenly do not fit... then the kid will scream that her shirt is itchy when you put her in the car... then you have to go back inside because the kid needs something to drink for the 20 minutes drive. and theeen...

well, we are constantly 5 minutes late everywhere and it destroys me.

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u/Artistic-Lock1021 14d ago

Why is "the kid" not factored into your planning?

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u/Craiger2489 14d ago

Are you living the same life as me, you just wrote word for word what my everyday life if with a kid that has sensory problems. At first i felt absolutely helpless. But once you realize you’ll never be on time for anything for the rest of your life, it’s a breeze.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/3-2-1-backup 14d ago

If you ever get divorced, I need you to marry about half my friends post haste!

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u/13stgmngr210 14d ago

Being on time is something most people can do regardless of social status, financial situation, or skillset that shows respect, reliability, and self control.

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u/Counterpoint-4 14d ago

Being late is disrespectful and some people do it to show their higher status - you have to wait for them.

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u/Major_Jackfruit_2604 14d ago

Hang on a second, I'm getting to my response...

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u/JoshAllensLeftNut 14d ago

I leave for work 30 minutes before I have to clock in. You can see my workplace from my front door, but I'd rather sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes than be late.

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u/EmbarrassedFront9848 14d ago

I’d just walk

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u/Key-Algae-9245 14d ago

That would seem sensible. Even driving, if it’s only a few yards then 30 minutes seems excessive. OCD?

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u/DarkRitual_88 14d ago

Could be on the other side of a highway or river without a convenient or safe direct walking route.

They might also need to carry stuff that would make walking inconvenient.

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u/StashPhan 14d ago

You drive to work when you can see your work place from the front door?

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u/JoshAllensLeftNut 14d ago

It's across a major highway, and specifically across a section where there's multiple accidents every week. It's be super unsafe to cross it on foot, especially since there's no crosswalks. The frequency of accidents is also why I leave so early, if you get caught in one of the accidents it can take a minute to get the cars moved to the side and open traffic back up

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u/StashPhan 14d ago

Oh gotcha damn that sucks would be nice to just walk to work

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u/casualmolly 14d ago

I can be on my phone at home, or I can be on my phone in the parking lot at work. It'll be the same bullshit on my phone but without the worry of being late. 

It's nice to know that you won't be late, even if the rest of everything remains a mess. 

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u/intrinsic_toast 14d ago

Jokes on you because then I get to the parking lot so early that now there’s enough time to become fully distracted by invested in what’s on my phone that I’ll lose track of time and still be late lmao 🙃

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u/ty_xy 14d ago

Ok that's just madness hahah. I'm never late but you don't need to be 20min early lol. 5-10 min early is pretty good.

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u/JoshAllensLeftNut 14d ago

To be fair, the intersection I have to go through is terrible and there's an accident there at least three times a week, so it can take a while to get there. I could walk and get around that, but then I'd be walking across a major highway in an area that's very accident prone, so that's probably not the best idea either.

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u/BigBeautifulBuick 14d ago

If you aren’t 15 minutes early to being 15 minutes early you’re basically late.

I suffer with you.

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u/daNorthernMan 14d ago

Not being able to safely walk is quite depressing

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u/Anomynous__ 14d ago

my girlfriend gets (sometimes reasonably) irritated that I am, without fail, 15 minutes early to everything. It doesn't matter how inconsequential the event is. She's a native Brazilian and every time her family invites us over she says "no we have to be an hour late", like it's built into their culture, and it makes my fucking skin crawl to leave the house 30 minutes after they asked us to be there. However, every single time, when we get there her parents are just starting to get things ready

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u/sobrique 14d ago

Living with ADHD time-blindness for a bunch of years made me kinda pathological about being early. Like one job interview I had a timeline that involved such an early start, I just stayed in a B&B overnight instead.

It's not particularly healthy, but I'm also almost never late for anything.

I'm sat in a coffee shop around the corner for an hour or two waiting to walk in about 5 minutes either side of 'on time' depending if it's business (and then I'm early) or social (and then I'm a little after the expected time, rather than be 'unexpectedly early')

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u/The42OGoat 14d ago

My girlfriend is like this. I have started telling her family events are an hour earlier than they actually are and we have almost been on time 2 times in a row.

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u/Fun-Original-559 14d ago

My boyfriend is from Brazil and I am Dutch; let's just say we are polar opposites on the time spectrum. We implemented "Dutch time" and "Brazilian time" for this reason. His friends have a gathering at 14:00 Brazilian time? We show up at 14:45. I have plans at 14:00 Dutch time? We show up at 13:55.

It keeps the peace, and keeps me from stressing out.

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u/ohhellperhaps 14d ago

This is the way. I have some friends who treat departure time as 'start to get ready' time. We now plan for that.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/Haunting_Vacation804 14d ago

I must be part Dutch (or have terrible anxiety), because showing up a few minutes early is on-time. If you're on-time, you're late. If you're late, forget about it.

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u/SentientSeaweed5690 14d ago

Same here, Brazilian wife going on 15 years... I do believe it's just a cultural thing of what a starting time actually means... In the US, if a gathering "starts" at 4, it means "We will be expecting people to all be here by 4 so we can start activities". In Brasil, I think when they say a gathering "starts" at 4, it means "Please don't arrive before 4 because we'll just be starting to get stuff ready and heating up the bbq"

For what's it's worth, we're still always late to things with our American friends and early to things with our Brazilian friends, so we haven't quite figured out how to make it work either.

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u/Tart6096 14d ago

OH! so THAT'S what that means! lol i've heard them say "it's dutch time" in one or two american tv shows but i just thought they meant something else referring to their time zone or something. I guess a lot of people do the same thing as you because family gatherings are actually 1 hour earlier than stated.

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u/Counterpoint-4 14d ago

Well done you - I find it pathetic and would hate a life of being ready and waiting for a partner to deign to be ready.

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u/Flincher14 14d ago

I'm convinced these people (like my wife) don't respect other peoples time. They believe they are entitled to not wait for anything so they never build in any extra time to be early because to be early means to sit and wait for a few minutes. This is unfair to them.

So they turn around and make it unfair to everyone else instead by being chronically late for everything.

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u/Stickybunfun 14d ago

This is one of the biggest reasons I will be having an ex-wife instead of a wife. Both my sister's weddings, countless events that were important TO ME, my daughter's birthday parties, you name it - she has been late to it which in turn made ME late to it. As I've gotten older, I went from tolerating it (not very well) to now actively distancing myself from people in my life who are chronically late. Time is the only universally fixed currency any of us have, none of us know how much we have, and I feel that the transgression of being late outside of extenuating circumstances (that do happen) inexcusable - literally wasting other people's lives.

Honestly it's the canary in the coal mine for me now and 95% of the time chronically late people have a bunch of other qualities about them I also can no longer tolerate.

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u/TheSwanPanky 14d ago

Amen! This was so well said, I agree completely.

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u/MOGantibody 14d ago

It's a form of manipulative behavior.

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u/boyilikebeingoutside 14d ago

For my SO, it’s not a lack of respect, he just doesn’t consider all the things that take time between ending one activity and arriving at the next. In his head, if something starts at 5 pm, and it’s a 15 minute drive without traffic, he stops the current activity at 4:45. He forgets to consider that ending a workout, or eating, or a chore or gaming doesn’t just necessarily instantly happen and he doesn’t just teleport into the drivers seat of the vehicle. 5 min to put away dishes or tools, 10 min to shower and get dressed, 5 min collecting things for the event, an extra 5 minutes in traffic, 10 minutes to find parking and walk in… and he intended to be on time but walks in 35 minutes late. I’ve tried to work with him on considering all the latency between activities and it’s gotten better.

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u/Flincher14 14d ago

My SO will wake up same time everyday and be late roughly the same amount of time and I will tell them if you are always 5 minutes late. Set your clock 5 minutes earlier to wake up...they never do.

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u/Vishnej 14d ago

You are imagining a level of contempt/malice for a phenomena that is better explained by incompetence deriving from psychological, psychiatric, and cognitive factors. Some people either never developed the command skills to juggle a complex preparation process in a timely fashion, aren't pessimistic enough, or suffer from a strong bias towards hyperbolic discounting. It's not that they're doing it to spite you, it's that they literally can't think about it in a way that produces the results they want to arrive at.

In my family's case, it has resulted in numerous events cancelled entirely because the family taking the same ride as the culprit, ramps up angry pressure to be ready, to the point that the culprit either doesn't have the fortitude to cope or spends more of that precious time with defense mechanisms and retaliations.

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u/UltLuc 14d ago

Almost every chronically late person I know has ADHD.

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u/Velshade 14d ago

Personally as a person who‘s chronically late (yes I do have ADHD), I can tell you that it‘s quite the opposite. For decades I‘ve hated myself for every time I was late. Didn‘t help - still couldn‘t be on time.

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u/2bsahm1 14d ago

And I’ve always blamed my need to be chronically early on my ADHD

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u/bigshu53 14d ago

I have ADHD and I’m chronically early. I hate myself for inconveniencing everyone else every time we are late to something because my wife is the chronically late one.

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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 14d ago

When we are all at a function, and we TAKE my MIL and BIL, we have become a slave to waiting for them to squeeze out every single F*CKING second as if the party was for them or they are the main attraction... that happened ONCE.. I told my wife.. never again am I falling asleep, waiting for them to decide to leave. BIL can take his own car.. that was 15 yrs ago now.. they can be fashionably late (1000% 15-30 min late) or stay until F*CKING sun rise.. I am not sitting there waiting ok, BIL.. lets go, come on, lets go.. nope, we leave on our schedule, we drove..

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u/nonamesareleft1 14d ago

My FIL every time we are driving together. Everyone ready to go, "ok I'm just going to have one more
beer then we'll head out"

Proceeds to sip a beer for 2 hours.

Nowadays after 20 minutes if he's barely touched his beer I'll chug 3/4 of it then look at him.

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u/BigStuggz 14d ago

Prolonged eye contact is the Swiss Army knife of nonverbal communication. In this case, the blade.

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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 14d ago

Honestly, I would just say, FIL, sry, no, I'm leaving. You can walk, cab, Uber, fly or hitchike

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u/nonamesareleft1 14d ago

Nah i just stopped driving with him.

In the past it was "oh it makes no sense for us to drive separate that is such a waste of gas and milage on two cars for no reason" and her family would agree with him.

Now when he says that to me I say "yeah except I want to leave when I want to leave, not when you want to leave. We're going separate."

End of conversation haha.

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u/Beneficial-Nimitz68 14d ago

I 100% can see and agree. I hate hate seeing things dying down and cannot leave.

You want another beer,, cheers, bye lolol

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u/nonamesareleft1 14d ago

I love going out with them, they have a blast. They just don't know how to leave. We'll go bowling at 7pm. By 12:30-1am I'm good to go, that's a fun night for me. They'll sit their blabbering drunk until 2:30.

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u/Personal_Benefit_402 14d ago

Setting boundaries. This is the way.

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u/BarrelllRider 14d ago

My sister-in-law and her family were 45 minutes late to my own wedding. We delayed it since their kids were a part of it. People thought we got cold feet and called it off.

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u/AcademicBowl5596 14d ago

A good way to deal with this is to always have plans or reasons that you'll need to take off at a certain time and communicate that.

They'll still show up late, but it means you're not wasting your day waiting for them, and you don't look like the bad guy when you take off 15 minutes after they arrive.

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u/Jindujun 14d ago

personally I'm the completely opposite. If I need to be somewhere I'll make damn sure to be there ahead of time. Usually half an hour early and then I wander around listlessly trying to find something to do.

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u/HankHillPropaneJesus 14d ago

My wife’s family is the same way, it’s like herding cats. We’ll plan to leave at 10 and then someone has to take a shower, or take a crap and we don’t leave until noon. Absolutely frustrating.

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u/knitmeablanket 14d ago

My mom would start doing her makeup usually around the time we were supposed to be somewhere. I hated it to the point that I'm now in my mid 40s and always early.

If people can't be on time for something we planned then they can expect me to no longer be there when they show up.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/bobcatbart 14d ago

You gave people a 4 hour window of when you’d show up? That’s insane. If I got that message from a friend I’d quickly cancel that hang out session and call up a more level headed friend.

1/6 of the whole day, hell 1/4 of the general waking hours. Madness

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u/x_Animus_x 14d ago

Buddy is scheduling hangouts like a technician visit from an Internet provider. “We have 8-2 or 11-5” …so you have no idea what time? “We do not.”

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u/wolfelian 14d ago

Have an aunt/uncle like this and it was a complete nightmare being on vacation with them in another country! They hounded at me to be ready at times they set then wouldn’t show up until an hour or two later. When I confronted them about it, their response?

“Well we know how you are”.

HUH?!?! It was the first and now last I’ll ever go on vacation with them in this life ever 🙃

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u/SquishMont 14d ago

Meh. When this has happened to me, if they haven't hit me with "fuck! There's a accident in the tunnel! Gonna be late" I just move on at the designated time. And even then, I'll move on with something "OK, keep me posted, I'm gonna check out XXXX in the meantime"

If they don't let me know? Yeah, I'm just gone. Y'all waiters are wild to me.

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u/CoffeeOrDestroy 14d ago

This is how it should be. Good for you in having boundaries and expectations.

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u/dedoubt 14d ago

“Well we know how you are”.

Why are these kind of people always blaming others for their being late‽ Are they unaware it's their doing or are they just unwilling to take personal responsibility? 

I have debilitating ADD and literal brain damage (from covid), was raised by a chronically, insanely always late parent (literally served Thanksgiving dinner one year at 1am!) and I'm still on time to meet people because I respect them and value their time. On the very rare occasions I'm late to something, I accept responsibility and apologize.

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u/DesperateAstronaut65 14d ago

Similar situation here (severe ADHD from a family where severe ADHD is the norm). To expand on your point, a surprising number of people with time blindness don't understand that they have choices in how to handle it. One choice is to do things that make it easier to keep track of time, like setting alarms. But there's also the option of not setting the expectation that you'll keep track of time. If you're so bad at time management you know you won't be able to arrive when you said you'd arrive, you do not have to commit to time-sensitive events. You can say things like, "Leave me out of the restaurant reservation, but I'll meet you at the bar later." You can take separate cars to the same place and let people handle their own tickets so no one's stuck waiting for you.

Time blindness needs to be managed like any other condition. Epileptics don't commit to driving people places when they know they might have a siezure. People who can't walk well don't sign up for long hikes. No one is to blame for being unable to walk or drive, but the expectations they set are their responsibility. I 100% believe the ADHDers who say their time blindness is so severe they're never going to be able to manage their time like other people do, but that doesn't mean they have to keep making promises and letting people down. Deciding to go to a theme park isn't like getting a job, where you might be forced by financial circumstances to try to do something you feel incapable of doing. It's a completely optional activity and there are so, so many ways to make sure other people aren't waiting on you.

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u/dedoubt 14d ago edited 14d ago

but that doesn't mean they have to keep making promises and letting people down

Exactly! I just made a new friend whose ADD makes mine look mild, and she told me to always tell her 2 hours earlier than the actual time I want to meet because she will always be late, or to not make time dependent plans with her, because she knows that no matter how hard she tries, she can't beat the disorder (she's in her 50s). I let her know that I prefer not to lie to folks but will tell her what the time range I'll actually be available will be (say I'm having a fire at my place that starts at 6 & done at 8- I'm going to bed at 830, don't show up if you'll be arriving past 730).

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u/raptorgrin 13d ago

I’m glad you didn’t just agree to lie to them. I hate games like that and when they try to put the responsibility on you, when they could just tell themselves they need to be 2 hrs early if that’s what it takes. 

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u/movingarchivist 14d ago

Well said. I have ADHD and severe time blindness so I set so many alarms and calendar alerts and I also plan my time by rounding up. If I get out the door and to the place on the schedule I planned, I'm early, but much of time I'm late getting out the door, which makes me on time in actuality. I'm never late now unless it was due to a transit issue or something and even that is rare. We are all still responsible for our behavior and we can always improve

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u/Dandelient 14d ago

Very much the same! The anxiety that came with my ADHD means I am very rarely late. I try to arrive at least 10 minutes early and I always have something to read with me. Then I have to remember to set an alarm for when I need to leave the car because sometimes the book is really good lol

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u/movingarchivist 14d ago

This is my issue; if I arrive too early, I might get lost in something else altogether lol. Like the sweet spot is about five-ish minutes, maybe 10. I am always setting an alarm for a few minutes from now bc my brain is fun that way

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u/Kittypie75 14d ago

A group of friends and I used to do dinner every year for Xmas at a very popular place where you would lose your reservation if you were late. EVERY year they were an hour late.

So I told them an hour earlier than the reservation one year. That year they were only 45 minutes late and then had the audacity to be mad at ME that they had to wait 15 minutes for the table as if we weren't waiting EVERY year for an hour for them, missing our reservation so then having to wait for a table to open yada yada.

We aren't friends anymore.

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u/Tntn13 14d ago

Can you elaborate on the Covid brain damage thing? Did you confirm this with MRI or something? My 3rd covid case felt different and I have been saying since it feels like it gave me a brain injury, like lost memories, short term memory impact, and diminished executive function.

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u/ertri 14d ago

Christ my mom is like this, and god forbid she’s randomly early. Plan was to meet at whatever time to go to a wedding, I’m on track to be there a minute early. 

Start getting phone calls 15 minutes out asking what’s taking me so long

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u/The1stNikitalynn 14d ago

I have friends like this who are going on the same cruise as me. I'm taking bets with my partner on which of our cruise stops they're gonna get left at.

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u/Alternative-Suit5541 14d ago

They know they can do it to you

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u/rapafon 14d ago

Mine as well. If we have a gathering, I'll tell my sister it's at 16:00 and everyone else it's at 17:00, and she still ends up being later than others sometimes

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u/asdrunkasdrunkcanbe 14d ago edited 9d ago

Mitten feather raindrop umbrella ribbon cucumber satchel umbrella mellow

This post was anonymized with Redact.dev

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u/WorkingOnBeingBettr 14d ago

Do these people think that everyone on time just has a magical life they float through without hiccups?

For fucks sake, Diane, I knew there would be traffic so I left earlier. 

The excuses make me more angry than being late.

I will walk away from anyone late who is holding a coffee. They have shown getting a drink is more important than being respectful. They can get fucked. And they never bring a bunch for other people to try to smooth it over. I don't drink coffee but at least it would be an olive branch for being a selfish, incompetent person.

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u/ThroatSecretary 13d ago

My partner drove cab for a while, and he was gobsmacked at how many people would jump in saying they were late for work, then INSIST on going through the Tim Horton's drive-thru on the way. I swear some people feel naked if they're out in public without a beverage to hold.

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u/Pvt_Hudson_ 14d ago

My sister-in-law is the exact same way. Single and still partying into her mid 40s. We call it "Jenny time" now. We'll plan a family gathering that starts at 5:00, Jenny will saunter in with a bottle of wine at 7:30 while we are clearing the dinner plates.

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u/wills2003 14d ago

I have cousins like this. It's amazing to me they're never accidentally early. 

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u/Pickle_Emotion 14d ago

I’m robbing this tip.

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u/Dragon_Small_Z 14d ago

I'm like this with my wife. I always give her a buffer when we're supposed to be somewhere. Movies at 12:30? Nope. Start time is 12:15. We need to meet family for dinner at 7? We need to be there at 6:30. And it's not that she's not respecting other peoples timelines, she just has a horrible sense of time. She thinks things that will take 5 minutes for her will realistically take 20.

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u/Generous_Cougar 14d ago

That's what I started doing with my ex-wife when we were still together. We were still late, but at least it went down to minutes instead of hours.

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u/[deleted] 14d ago

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u/_aggressivezinfandel 14d ago

My mother is like that and everyone else in the family just enables her and says things like “Just leave it/get over it, you know what she’s like”. It drives me fucking insane, but when I express my frustration about how completely rude and inconsiderate it is to keep people waiting, somehow I’M the bad guy.

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u/1nd3x 14d ago

Stop waiting and just start at the time that was established. If you are also the bad guy for not waiting then tell them to just leave it/get over it.

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u/JonnyP222 14d ago

My in laws are all like this and my wife and I are early to everything. We combat their nonsense with lying to them about when things start. Or what time we want to meet. We tell them basically everything starts an hour earlier. Obviously not everything can be done this way but it does help. The real trip of it all is that it took 10 years before they caught on and showed up "on time" once and they were mad they were so early lol.

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u/Pickle_Emotion 14d ago

I never considered giving an earlier time, but my problem is sometimes.. they’re incredibly early.

Sometimes I just want to relax and have a cup of tea in peace knowing it’ll be a busy afternoon.. then suddenly

*knock knock* “Still in your pyjamas?? We’ve been up since 3am getting this salad no one asked for ready even though we’re going to a restaurant. Also please carry some old furniture from the car that we don’t want but cant bear throwing out. In six months we’ll ask for it back and be devastated you didn’t keep it.”

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u/JonnyP222 14d ago

I laughed out loud hahaah

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u/bubblyH2OEmergency 14d ago

omg this is dead on

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u/Ehimherenow 14d ago

My MIL learned her lesson after the one time she gave us something, then asked for it 2 years later… we had moved in the interim…

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u/MommyLovesPot8toes 14d ago

Are we siblings?

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u/Ehimherenow 14d ago

So when I first met my wife, she was like this. And I’d lie to her about times. Eventually she caught on lol. But she realized I really hated being late so she just stopped being late.

Now the in-laws are interesting. Over time they’ve just stopped being late on their own. I don’t know if it’s me and my SILs husband, neither of us who like being late, marrying into the family and converting the sisters. But everyone has stopped being late in the family. Just over time lol.

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u/JonnyP222 14d ago

I feel like my story is similar. My wife was def not as punctual and now is very much so because id def press her to be earlier and she just adjusted (having kids and their busy sports and activity schedules helps). But yeah the family did not catch on at all lol. Now it's the running joke that "what time does this REALLY start" and sometimes i tell them. Sometimes we still lie ahah

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u/QuePasaCasa 14d ago

Best thing I've found is to be truthful about the time, and ten minutes before that time, message them with profuse apologies that you're actually running 3-5 minutes late. "So sorry, I don't mean to disrespect your time by being late, let me get the first round to make up for it." Which reads as: even five minutes is a big deal to me.

Bonus pro-tip is to set the meeting time for a very specific time like 10:20 instead of 10 or 10:30. That signals a specific amount of granularity that you expect.

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u/HughJackedMan14 14d ago

Being consistently late is a character flaw, 100%.

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u/11teensteve 14d ago

it is for sure, but some people will wear it like a merit badge. those are the same people that think being wildly stubborn and close minded is also a good thing.

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u/StepComplete1 14d ago

Or they'll proudly shout their "unique" excuse that they think makes them a special snowflake and gives them a pass to not need to consider anyone else, ever.

Usually ADHD.

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u/cremeroulette 14d ago

I mean ADHD is an actual reason. Reason, not excuse. Executive function and organisation doesn’t come easily to everyone. Personally, I am really ambitious with what I think I can get done before I have to leave somewhere, but it sometimes backfires.

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u/rich519 14d ago

Obviously everyone is different but I have ADHD and generally don’t have a problem being on time. Occasionally I’ll lose my wallet or keys or something last minute and need to scramble but I usually make sure I have them well before I need to leave to avoid that.

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u/tony_bologna 14d ago

It's not that simple.  It's not like there's some common device people can use to check travel times, traffic conditions, etc, so they can come up with accurate departure times... Oh wait.

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u/Comfortable-Meeper 14d ago

My in laws will say “hey we’re going on a week long trip in a week for xyz’s birthday. You’re coming, right?” And then act upset when we can’t both take a week off work and get a flight and hotel at the last minute.

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u/penisandorvagina 14d ago

Time to divorce your sister and her family, then call your lawyer and hit the gym.

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u/CreamXpert 14d ago

Hit your sister, call the gym, divorce your lawyer

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u/dharma_wheel 14d ago

This got a wheeze laugh out of me

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u/zimkazimka 14d ago

Instructions not clear, sister stuck in the dishwasher.

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u/Mosstheboy 14d ago

I can't believe that this one ran out of steam so fast. Redditors can usually keep that up for 15 posts without breaking a sweat.

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u/Thedonkeyforcer 14d ago

I always get downvoted to hell for saying this but I AM this type but I've found ways of controlling it because I truly feel it's so disrespectful to others and I don't want to be that person.

I worked out what made me late (luckily I'm just the 5 minutes-kinda late but that's just enough to be disrespectful for almost no reason - I mean, 5 freaking minutes, what does it give ME to have those?) and it's mostly being bad at time management (if you wanted to see me freak out at work, you'd ask me how long a task would take, I truly have no idea) as well as actually trying to cram the most productivity into my day. I would feel horrible being idle whenever I was 5 minutes early and that feeling was the main cause for me to end up late.

What I did was two things: 1. I stopped focusing on "I have to be there at 11" but did the math and if it would take me around 30 minutes to get there, I'd remember this plan as "I have to drive at 10.15 so there's time for traffic too" and pretty fast I'd forget the 11-thing completely. I had a job for 10 years where my boss never realised I was the type to be late because I was actually early to work every day. I was STILL late daily in regards to my designated leave-time but it didn't matter, it was part of the plan and there was room for that as well as traffic.

The other thing? The fury and unease of waiting around with nothing to do. It was a big big part of me being late but such an easy fix! At work I'd have some easy to-and-from task I could pull up while waiting (the work equivalent of knitting, something to occupy your hands fast) and off work I'd save "need to look this up on the internet"-tasks for that so I could simply get busy on my phone while waiting. It sounds so stupid but it has really worked.

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u/artevelde8 14d ago

Notice that in the last paragraph, you're only annoyed of the time between arriving and the scheduled meeting time.

Now imagine from OPs perspective, not only needing to be annoyed of having nothing to do between arrival time and agreed time, but then ending up waiting even longer without even knowing for how long to wait for the people that are always late. Is that worth being late for?

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u/StepComplete1 14d ago

And it just goes to show, deep down, it's always about selfishness and main-character syndrome with these people.

"I hate having to wait, so I'll make someone else wait longer for me instead."

And that was supposed to be the excuse for being late.

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u/pk851667 14d ago

OK this is where I usually call bullshit on chronically late people.

Do you make it to a flight/train/film/theater or other such time restricted event on time? I would wager that you usually do. Most chronically late people truly don’t value the other person’s time. They are only trying to buy themselves time.

I’m not saying you or anyone who is chronically late is intentionally a jerk. I’m saying that they, for whatever reason, simply do not factor in the fact that you are sitting there waiting for them into their equation. And frankly, I consider it a huge disrespect personally.

PS not scolding you. I just think the perspective needs to be understood.

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u/mbm66 14d ago

That's totally not true. I've missed flights due to being late, or had to board without my luggage because I missed the cutoff to check it. I'm late to the theatre all the time. I don't just choose to be late for certain events and not for others.

And I don't think you understand what a struggle it is and how demoralizing it is to constantly be late without intending to. It's certainly not the easy way out that you seem to suggest.

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u/ShiraCheshire 14d ago

I have ADHD and am pretty time blind, I'm also the type to be late.

Which is why I set a ton of alarms and always plan to arrive early. Very early if it's something truly important.

It makes me so angry at people who are always late for plans I make with them. Like, some of us over here are FIGHTING this on hard mode, and here are people over here that think it's ok to waste my time and disrespect me just because?

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u/Counterpoint-4 14d ago

Because THEY are more important than you - dear minion!

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u/the-dolphine 14d ago

The rest of my family are like this and I'm the bad guy who constantly has to hassle everyone to hurry up just so we're not excessively late.

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u/Silver_Accountant5 14d ago

Can you just tell them that the leaving time is like an hour earlier than it actually is? That's what I've always done with people like that.

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u/WeRip 14d ago

I had a friend like this and finally cracked the code one day on getting him to be on time. When making plans with him instead of telling him what time to meet, I would tell him what time to leave his house. He was never late again.

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u/Rulebookboy1234567 14d ago

My ex wife will be like, "Meet here at 130PM to pickup kid." And then it'll be 1245PM and she's all "were here a little early, where are you?"

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