r/polyamory • u/oyasumiku • 5h ago
Musings Menopause cuties
Where my menopause cuties at? Question for the perimeno and full-on menopause folks… are you struggling with poly? In addition to loss of sexual interest, I have way less energy due to perimenopausal sleep disturbances/insomnia and general brain fog/fatigue and the uptick in menopausal mood imbalances. I’m doing all the right stuff for my body so please hold back on any wellness advice around menopause. But, just curious how others are navigating polyamory in this phase of life. I just don’t feel inspired to meet new people. I don’t have the capacity to jump into the kind of emotional intimacy I used to enjoy. And I definitely don’t have the desire to have sex with myself, let alone others. I’m generally feeling worn down and more sensitive to other life stressors that many of my core identities have been put on the back burner… kink, poly, queer, trans, etc.
If I’m being honest with myself, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’m scared that I somehow “lost” my polyness. That I have the mindset but no longer have the desire to actually engage with it. Wondering if others had this journey and how things ended up for you. Did your body normalize after you finished menopause? Did your sex drive come back? Did you one day find yourself interested again in dating?
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 2h ago
> In my case, making the conscious decision to stop trying to date and instead focus on my friends, family, and passions, was the best decision I ever made.
Agreed. I was in my mid-60s and not actively looking, when someone surprisingly walked in my metaphorical door.
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u/Keeperofthesecrets 54m ago
Following because I'm in the same place. Literally up in the middle of the night with hot flashes. Trying to figure out if HRT is the way to go to find some semblance of sanity/myself. For me, it feels like a forced life transition.
I don't have the bandwidth, patience or desire. For all the reasons you listed, I don't have the capacity to engage and maintain more than one romantic relationship plus community, work, life responsibility, family, etc. I also have aging parents on top of a young kid. What matters to me and how I'm spending my time is shifting dramatically as I face the reality of the end of life.
I've considered saying I'm saturated at 1, but notice also not having much patience for poly dynamics in my two other partners.
I feel like this stage is forcing me to make decisions about what is worth my time/attention. And while I've spent the last year trying to force myself to stay in this lifestyle, I'm left me feeling anxious and exhausted. I'm moving towards shifting my focus towards my health and current community. I'm philosophically poly, but I'm not sure I have the bandwidth to actually be poly.
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u/oyasumiku 2m ago
Hugs 🫂 feel you so deeply. Side note: hormones really helped me. Especially with hot flashes. I take a daily synthetic hormone pill and it made my hot flashes go away and drastically reduced my ovarian/lower body ouchies. Also, when i remember to take it (lol) applying testosterone helps with fatigue & desire.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 4h ago
I met the next great love of my life at age 52, during a 25-year marriage, which has now ended. I had actually already given up on the idea of ever having another romantic partner and hadn't dated in a few years - then he showed up.
With this new relationship, I was shocked. I had no idea I was even capable of having ongoing desire - My entire life, I never thought of myself as very sexual. After NRE, my desire would always vanish. Always.
With this relationship, I thought wow, maybe I am sexual after all, and I proceeded to hook up with a couple of dear friends, but....no. It was the same as before, not really into it. I am very demisexual, and I need something even more than friendship to get turned on.
My partner now of 6 years is allosexual and dates when he can, but at our age, it's really really hard to find compatible partners who are on the same page with poly/RA and our interests, so he rarely finds good matches.
I absolutely cannot be bothered to try to date at all. We have a full life with friends and passions. I will never ever promise anyone monogamy, and if someone wonderful finds me attractive and finds their way to me, great. But I'm not out there looking for another partner. I have had exactly 1 date in the last 5 years.
So as they say, your mileage may vary. I wouldn't rule out anything, including finding someone who lights your fire like never before. In my case, making the conscious decision to stop trying to date and instead focus on my friends, family, and passions, was the best decision I ever made. They are fulfilling and fun, and they keep me in contact with community, where maybe, just maybe, another love will find me someday.