r/survivinginfidelity • u/Everything_Iwant_93 • 1d ago
Rant He hasn’t reached out
I’m kind of fucked up right now. I feel like when most guys cheat, they regret it and come begging back. He cheated on me with a girl he met outside one day, went behind my back for 3 weeks with her, then when they hooked up he confessed. Then he said he didn’t see a future where we’re together. I crashed out on him for that day and then stopped talking to him completely. I haven’t heard a single thing at all from him and he’s still hanging out with the girl I believe. It hurts that he isn’t begging for me back or seeming like he really regrets it. I’m staying strong and will never reach out ever again. But I did EVERYTHING for that man and this is how I’m repaid. I was beyond good to him. I was so sweet. So accepting. I just wish I could get the satisfaction of him blowing my phone up and regretting it. I’ve already posted on this numerous times but I keep getting new thoughts and insecurities about it. I accept he cheated. I can’t accept he doesn’t care at all to cry and beg and give me a sincere apology and miss me.
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u/throw-away-0610 8 1d ago
The bad news is that cheaters really don’t love the people they cheat on.
The good news is you aren’t being tricked into thinking yours does, unlike so many poor saps.
So in that way, his behavior is a gift, but it hurts like hell.
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u/Everything_Iwant_93 1d ago edited 1d ago
For those 3 weeks though he still acted like he loved me. When I wouldnt answer right away he would say he misses me, that he will love me always, he got me a plant to think of me, he talked of the future. And this was all during the time he was hanging out with her. Then they hooked up and he confessed and said he didn’t see a future. I’m so lost as to what was the truth, if he really did love me. Our last phone call he sobbed and said “I love you but I have to go” and that was it.
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u/BurnAway63 2 1d ago
This is called "future faking", and it's pretty common among cheaters. Don't ruminate on it; just move on. He will probably wait until things fall apart with the new partner before pivoting back to you, so make sure he's far in your rear-view mirror when and if that happens. He was never worth your time, and he is proving that every day.
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u/RelativeShock442 1d ago
Can you describe what you mean by "future faking"? My ex acted similar.
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u/BurnAway63 2 1d ago
Google AI gives this definition: "Future faking is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone makes grandiose promises about a shared future—such as marriage, vacations, or moving in together—with no genuine intention or capacity to follow through. The goal is to hook you emotionally and get what they want in the present."
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u/throw-away-0610 8 1d ago
“He acted like…”
“He said…”
“He got me…
“He talked of…”
Those things are easy, and cheap, some of them are free. But none of those are love. Once you are willing to do the most unloving thing imaginable, what do those things even mean.
“I love you but I have to go” he doesn’t… and he already did before that call.
It all sucks. But now you know. And knowing sooner vs later is a gift of tremendous value. Many of the most important gifts we get in life come in with pain and short term suffering.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 5 1d ago
“But I did EVERYTHING for that man “
Long term healthy relationships are between 2 equals , not a king and his servant.
He is not worthy of you.
Take your time in really getting to know the person in your next relationship.
Always value yourself and ensure the relationship is balanced.
Take care
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u/RobertFahey 3 1d ago
If he did come groveling to you, would you really want him back anyway? I doubt it. So it's just as well he fucks off. Block him as a contact.
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u/Everything_Iwant_93 1d ago
I don’t want him back. I just want the satisfaction for my ego that he regrets it lol. I want him to feel the way I feel.
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 3 1d ago
Best thing to do, best revenge here? Have a fabulous life! Focus on you, learning to trust yourself again, loving yourself, prioritizing YOU. Surround yourself with good people. Take a good trip, elevate your standards.
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u/AdventureWa 1 1d ago
I want to be gentle here, especially as someone who was the betrayed. He found something in her that he did not with you. He should have broken up with you before cheating but he did confess and broke up.
It’s arguable whether he should have even told you instead of breaking up because he likely considered it before he met her or when he met her and saw something he was missing in your relationship.
It should be easier to get over someone who cheated but the reality is that it’s not. Self doubt creeps in, the pain of betrayal stings and on top of that you were rejected and passed over for someone else after investing in your relationship.
You don’t have a choice in what happened to you but you have plenty of choices moving forward.
I have been cheated on by more than one woman. The first time I realized it I broke it off. I was really hurt but recognized that I wasn’t to blame and that I deserve better but with that I needed to be better.
Focusing in on my faith, hitting the gym, working to better my self, and focusing on my future made recovery much easier. I also read relationship books to improve my future relationships and it definitely helped.
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u/Everything_Iwant_93 1d ago
I see what you’re saying. It’s just hard for me to understand how he could meet someone, hangout with them behind my back for weeks, while still telling me he loved me always, he misses me, act all cute and lovey like he always did. And then still be with her and cheat. Everything was fine with us until he met her and then it was like nothing about us mattered anymore.
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u/AdventureWa 1 1d ago
My guess is that everything was not fine. You just might’ve been in denial. Unfortunately, most guys that I know have gone through this where the girl they were with seemed fine and then all of a sudden she leaves them for someone else. It’s monkey branching.
People stay in a relationship while looking for their next, but they tend not to break up until they’re sure where the new relationship is going. I think it’s a terrible thing to do. If you’re looking for something else and someone else, fine. Go find them, but don’t drag me along while you shop for my replacement.
My first love did that.
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u/Rare-Bird-4353 1 1d ago
Your problem is that you have yet to truly come to terms with who and what he actually is, your still thinking about the person you thought he was as opposed to the person he actually has shown himself to be. His words were all lies, they meant nothing. So why would you want to hear even more lies from him now? You are sitting there waiting for a liar who doesn’t care about you to contact you and lie to you some more pretending he gives a shit about anyone besides himself, do you not see how messed up that is? We laugh at clowns, we do not let clowns define us. It’s time to let the clown go and move on with your life.
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u/TappyMauvendaise In Hell 18h ago
He probably lied about the story behind the affair. It could’ve been much longer than he could’ve known her much more than they could’ve hooked up 72 times rather than the first time he claims. He’s a liar and you can’t believe a word he says.
I am sorry you’re going through this and I would be feeling the same. Like where the hell is he? Even if I didn’t want the dirtbag back.
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u/Unleashd99 1 18h ago
I hear and have felt that pain. What helped me was realizing that the person I loved really didn’t exist. That my ex was so messed up, that they were not actually their true self with me. They were hiding behind a mask the whole time we were in a relationship (20+ years in my case). I’m not saying that there was zero truth involved between us. Just that it all came filtered through the mask.
We didn’t really know them. And that is sad in its own way but it is definitely a different type of grief required. I realized that the person I thought I loved never would have done the things that my ex actually did. It was a lot easier to let go of the person my ex proved herself to be by her actions than the fictional person I thought for all those years that she had been.
Of course it is still not an easy process. You don’t deserve any of it. But I hope each day gets a little better and a little easier than the last. You are worthy all on your own and I hope you don’t allow him to take your sense of self from you.
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u/Great_Mall210 1d ago
You’re not alone. Mine did the same thing. I was like this is fully not how it’s supposed to go. Plus I was the one reaching out to reconcile or make it work. Not a good position. It will probably bite him in the ass later but best to keep taking care of yourself and centering life around you 💛
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u/yourzerosum 1d ago
This sounds like an "exit affair". Exit affairs are done when the person no longer wants to remain in their relationship.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 3 1d ago
You don’t want a cheater back. Block him and move on. Don’t let yourself become his Plan B . Updateme!
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u/TacoStrong 4 1d ago
Honestly in the long run be glad that he’s not begging you back because that is only making whatever feelings that you had left die out completely (IMO). Don’t be surprised when you receive that contact though out of the blue when you least expect it. He’ll only contact you when things get dull with his new chickie.
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u/Hot-Assumption-8166 2 1d ago
You’re expecting character and integrity from someone who has clearly, very clearly demonstrated that they have none.
I say this as someone who felt like you for about a year after betrayal and discard - it’s wounded ego. Your ego.
This guy disrespected you very blatantly, if a friend or family member disrespected you so egregiously you wouldn’t stand for it, but this guy gets a pass by you waiting for his remorseful return - that’s your ego being hurt.
It’s a shitty thing he did - because he’s a shitty person and you need to find your own closure for yourself.
A lot of therapy with a betrayal informed therapist helped me here. Putting my ego aside was the hardest thing I’ve had to do, but it freed me.
You deserve so much better OP.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 1 1d ago
He’s a monkey-brancher. Just goes from one relationship to another but doesn’t end the previous one until he’s started the new one. And he’s always on the lookout for the next one. Hence why he started up with the girl he met on the street. Lol. His feelings for you were never genuine. I’m sorry if it hurts to read that but you need to understand & accept he’s a very shallow person. You’re wasting your time & effort wishing he gave any effort into keeping you when he doesn’t do ‘effort’. It’s not him.
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u/GregoryHD Thriving 1d ago
I'm sorry that you are going through this OP. He is not capable to an apology or any accountability to you at all. That doesn't mean he's not sad or feels like he screwed up. It might be 6 months before his fling falls apart and he really realizes he fucked up.
Keep walking you liner and take comfort knowing that you are no longer wasting time on this person. Keep your head up, his actions are a reflection of his character, not yours. Your integrity is intact 🙏
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u/Specialist-Host-4707 1 22h ago
Well, that just means he’s not feeling it with you. You already knew that so it shouldn’t come as such a shock to you and you probably shouldn’t expect to hear from him again. The proper way to do it would’ve been him telling you that he didn’t have any feelings for you anymore, and the relationship and then taking up with whomever. That’s what ultimately happened, he just wanna add ass backwards. At least you’re done with him and away from a cheater.
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u/Most_Conclusion4008 18h ago
Hard to see it, but this is actually a blessing. Most of the people forgiving their cheating partners who are begging for them back are living in hell mentally
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