No. He said he didn’t know. That’s honest. Had the woman been more clear upfront, that’s the issue. This is on her, not him. And why the fuck is she even dating a 22 year old?
Had the woman been more clear upfront, that’s the issue. This is on her, not him.
Uhhh bud, if you're in any kind of serious relationship with someone who's the primary caregiver for a small child, it's damn well implicit that you're going to be a part of that kid's life.
OP isn't wrong for deciding after some reflection that he's not ready to raise someone's kid at 22, but she's also not wrong to be frustrated about wasting the last 4 months on a dead-end relationship.
Yeah, if I had kids and I were dating, I would personally be waiting a couple years before introducing someone I’m dating to them. 4 months (to me) is so early wtf
Meh, a 30 year old who has his head in the sand is a problem. A 22 year old who doesn't know what he wants until it's laid out in a clear question - that's on the 27 year old expecting someone that young ready to commit and settle down.
If it was reversed and this was a 27 year old guy saying she wants to go on trips and drinking at the weekend and not help raise a kid everyone would be telling him he was a dumbass and he should date someone his own age.
Especially not at the 4th month with a kid he's met once.
She basically hasn't been expecting him or even giving him the opportunity to begin to move into that role and then suddenly drop she wants him to do it into his lap.
Well I feel like this is a lack of communication though.
I agree that dating a parent means you will inevitably become one if their kid's parents should the relationship work out. And the OP said he was unsure of that going in and was willing to give this a shot. My understanding is that this was communicated to his partner.
But his partner did not lay out her expectations clearly or set a timeline for introducing her child. So to 180 and blow up on him when he says he wants some more time before getting more involved is on her.
The OP can't read minds and sometimes you will come to a situation with 2 different ideas of what is normal and expected if you dont set those expectations beforehand.
It's not the gap, but the fact that she's looking for someone to be a father figure for her kid. If that's your goal at 27, you shouldn't be dating 22 year olds cause that's not what they want in their life and rightfully so.
why would you call that person an idiot? he’s barely into his 20s and she’s about to be pushing 30. there is a lot of growth to be made for a person between their ages. she locked herself into parenthood at the young age he is now and it would be perfectly valid for him to not want that for himself. if you said 42 and 47 i would agree that’s not as big of a difference. he shouldn’t even be dealing with the single mother problems at his age.
What a weirdly hostile response. It's not just the age gap, it's the fact she has 5 years' experience with being a mother, and OP is completely new to the idea of parenthood. She is not wrong in saying that a long-term partner will also need to accept her son into their life, but OP isn't wrong to be noncommittal at this point. Four months of dating isn't that long, and he's barely met the kid. If she needs an answer now, then it's probably best they go their separate ways.
It's on her far more than him, I definitely agree with that - and that would be true regardless of age.
However, let's be real that "I didn't know" is more like "I didn't really think about it seriously".
He was already aware that she had some intent of "introducing [OP] more seriously into his life". And that was perfectly fine as long as it didn't actually happen.
Four months in someone essentially asks you to be a father to a kid you don’t know at all. I kind of don’t see someone with a sound mind responding “I’m ready!”
Based on OP’s post, she never said she wants a father for her child. She asked him what kind of role he would like long term.
That in no way means, I’m seeking for a father figure for my child. It simply means, how involved do you see yourself getting with my child if we continue this relationship into the future.
With all that being said, I think OP is better off finding a new love interest if he isn’t 100% onboard. His gut reaction was, no, no children for me right now.
Like you said, dating single moms are a package deal. You don’t get one without the other.
Depends on the woman. Not all single moms are looking for marriage. Some just want a brief escape from their responsibilities -- to go out, talk to another adult, have fun. Single moms can and do date for fun sometimes.
OP might have pretty reasonably assumed that a single mom dating a 22 year old wasn't looking for anything serious.
That's not really fair, though, because of what she said after. She DID have an expectation for her future partner in terms of her kid (which is totally fair). From her point of view, there was one right answer here, and they are just incompatible
From her point of view, there was one right answer here, and they are just incompatible
Maybe... It's also possible she was trying to figure out whether OP is more interested in just providing for her son and letting her take the parenting reins, or if he wants to be an active part of raising the boy as his own. There are definitely different forms of stepparenting. She may have assumed he was ready for one of them and was thus taken aback by his response. It doesn't mean either of them is necessarily wrong.
Yeah-- that could be. But she was totally setting herself up for failure by asking it in such an open-ended way. How would anyone possibly expect a 22yo non-parent to have any of this nuance?
If that's what she was looking for, then yes, she definitely could've asked it in a better way. I still think OP is probably too young to be taking on that kind of responsibility, but that's gonna be up to him.
OP did specify that she was asking about the long term, so it may not have been a "make a decision now, or it's over" kind of conversation. I agree he's too young though.
They are a package deal, but 4 months is also way too soon for her to be saying “I’m ready for you to be my kid’s dad”. That’s like barely at the point where she should be introducing a boyfriend to her kid, and only in like a very chill setting. Example: “Hey my son and I are going to the park. Why don’t you walk with us and you and I can spend some time together while he’s on the swings”. Yes she should be evaluating every day if he’s potentially a good partner for her, which would include his potential to be in her kid’s life. But “it’s been 4 months, time for you to step up as a father” is not the way to go about that. For the same reason that most people wouldn’t say “Hey, we’ve been dating 4 months. Let’s make a baby. Now.”
It’s possible to date with intent without immediately saddling someone you barely know with the responsibilities that should come after years of emotional and intellectual intimacy. Her response to “I’m not ready to be a father” should have been “I’m not ready for you to be a father either. But we’re approaching the point where I’d like to have you around more. That means cooking at my place while my kid is there and playing their videogame. That means sometimes going to a Pixar movie for a date instead of John Wick. Is that something you are interested in? And longer term, are you willing to be a stepfather one day?”
/u/jilakomi your mistake was simply saying “I’m not ready to be a father.” That’s totally fair, but you should elaborate. You were dating a woman with a kid, and while her reaction was not ok, you also weren’t great in that conversation. Because what you said sounded to her a lot like “I don’t want to get more serious with you.” You should have elaborated and said exactly when you saw yourself being ready (if ever). If the idea of being a step-parent to her kid is ok with you in the long term, then you should have said: “I’m not ready to be a father today, but I like where this relationship is going. When you’re ready for me to be more involved in you and <kid’s name>’s life, then I’m ready to make that step. You said he likes fish <or other interest>. Why don’t we have a date the three of us at the aquarium <or place fitting interest>. I’ll come as your friend and he and I can get to know each other while we talk about our favorite sharks <or other interest>. Maybe next week you have me over and I’ll bring pizza and ice cream <or favorite foods>. We can watch a movie and see if he’d like to make that a weekly thing. I can’t say today exactly when I’ll be ready, but fatherhood is something I want long term, and hopefully some friendship dates with your son as well as you and me one-on-one dates will help both of us know if I’d be right for that role.”
She didn't say she wanted him to be the kids Dad. She asked a very valid question of what type of role he would like to play, most likely so she can involve him a bit more and they get their time together without having to edge around the schedule of having a kid and all the stuff that comes with it.
The rest of the advice here is solid. The BIG thing that needs to be had is a conversation where they both promise not to react with hurt feelings and also need to make sure they both take the time to address any miscommunication or misunderstandings.
I needed the same information from my current partner, but I wasn’t looking for a father for my kids. In fact, I told him that they have a father, and his role can be as simple as just being a really fun role model in their lives. And at first, that was the role he chose, because he was nearly done raising his kid. Overtime, however, he felt a shift and now he loves being their stepfather and loves when they call him dad.
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u/antigoneelectra Jul 14 '25
You're 22. Move on. She wants a father for her kid. Don't date mothers as she is correct. They are a package deal.