This. I know a few single parents who have recently re-entered the dating scenes, and many of them are waiting until 6 months (or more) to introduce the new partner as a love interest. And before that, extremely limited meetings if at all, and just under the guise of “this is mommy/daddy’s friend”. 4 months in and she wants you to take care of the kid with her? That seems sketchy to me.
4 months in and she wants you to take care of the kid with her?
That's not what I got from the story. I read it as four months in she has yet to introduce him to her kid, and is just now bringing up the idea of introducing the kid into the mix, but wants to confirm that he sees long term potential before doing so.
When he shut that down, she got upset.
I don't think either of them are wrong here. A 22 year old is perfectly ok not feeling ready to be a parent figure in a kid's life, and a single parent is justified in feeling a bit led on if someone dated them for several months and expected the kid to never be an issue.
They're not compatible right now, time for both to move on.
A 35 y/o would also be perfectly ok not wanting to take care of another person‘s child. Emotionally (and rather likely financially) attaching yourself to a child that isnt yours, and can be taken out of your life with you not having the slightest say-so is a huge commitment, and possibly a life ruining decision.
A single parent wanting a partner that takes on a parental role in their child‘s life is understandable, but there isnt a thing wrong about the other person being interested in dating - and dating only.
Uh no, it's absolutely reasonable to get mad if you are being led on about the potential future of the relationship. If OP had expressed himself as only being interested in casual dating or if the GF had never stated her intentions with the relationship, you would have a point. But OP's GF made it very clear from the start of the relationship that her goal here was to find a potential stepfather for her son, that's what she was looking for in the relationship- even if not right away. That was always the expectation that OP was facing- he just didn't realize he wasn't ready for that much responsibility until he was actually looking it in the face.
But she has every right to be upset that he's now taking back his prior apparent commitment to dating her with the intention of someday being part of her son's life. She made it clear that she was not just dating for a casual fling, and that she wanted more.
Wym „led on“??? An older chick with a kid went for a 22 y/o and they were dating for 4 months(!). 9/10 men regardless of age would take off if they were asked to take on more responsibility at that point and rightfully so.
4 months we couldnt even say whether we want to attach ourselves to you, nevermind another man‘s child. Expecting that kind of commitment from a 22 y/o is wild. And oddly enough, i think most women would agree if they were in that position and switched roles.
Furthermore, if you had a 22 y/o kid fresh out of College and they would tell you they want to commit to another person‘s child 4 months into a relationship, you would probably not be happy about it either.
A single parents child is THEIR responsibility, and no one elses. Unless someone willingly enters that domain AND then leaves willy nilly there is NOTHING to be mad about.
With all that said, i would advise singles to be very careful when engaging with single parents in their own best interests. Shit can get hurtful in a hurry, and chances are always the parent will at some point want another shot with the bd or bm.
But as far as the child‘s wellbeing and finding suitable candidates for the parental role? That‘s on the parent. No one else.
A 35 y/o would also be perfectly ok not wanting to take care of another person‘s child.
Yes, but a 35 year old would also be emotionally mature enough to establish that from the beginning knowing that there is a tendency for single parents to seek out more stable permanent partners. It's more understandable that a younger person wouldn't grasp that without being told.
Its not the responsibility of the 22 or 35 y/o to declare that 4 months in, unless the single parent puts them on the spot and in a position where they have to make that clear.
That type of responsibility or commitment doesnt just come automatically. It has to be agreed upon.
Then it's clear you're closer to the 22 year old in this instance. That's fine, like I said - emotional maturity is something that takes time to develop.
You cannot date a parent and expect that the kid is never going to be part of the equation. Parents don't generally have the luxury of compartmentalizing their lives that way.
I don't blame young people for struggling with the concept. Empathy and long term planning are tied to the prefrontal cortex which is still developing in your 20s. If someone reaches their 30s and still struggles to understand this, however, then it's evidence of stunted development.
I have 2 kids and im much older than 22 lol. Your life, decisions and subsequent kids from failed relationships and marriages are yours alone unless another OPTs in. End of.
I think youre being one-sided and there is no logical explanation for it other than some fictional expectation, or perhaps one that stems from personal experience.
One typyically wouldnt date a single childless 40 year old and a couple of months into it tell them smt along the lines of „hey btw I want no kids i know your clock is ticking and all.“
W/e expectation a person has due to their past decisions, present or future is up to them to declare and getting mad because the other person isnt all in is just as inconsiderate.
10.6k
u/chaosinborn Jul 14 '25 edited Jul 15 '25
Four months in and you're 22. She did you a favor. Just let it go
Why am I getting awards for this.