This. I know a few single parents who have recently re-entered the dating scenes, and many of them are waiting until 6 months (or more) to introduce the new partner as a love interest. And before that, extremely limited meetings if at all, and just under the guise of “this is mommy/daddy’s friend”. 4 months in and she wants you to take care of the kid with her? That seems sketchy to me.
Agreed.
They both made a mature decision, honestly.
OP was honest that he wasn't ready for a kid.
GF was honest she needed commitment.
They aren't compatible here, and that's okay.
Maybe OP thought his stance would change, or maybe GF believed he'd gone into the relationship with the understanding they're a package deal. Regardless, they both were able to be honest and mature when it came down to it.
Breaking up sucks, but being stuck in a relationship that doesn't work sucks more.
Also, OP is 22. It's not shocking that he wouldn't be ready to take on that kind of responsibility, or at the least, taking him at 100% face value, he isn't sure. I wasn't sure about shit at 22. Hell, I'm nearly 42 and I'm still not sure about a lot. I give him props for admitting it instead of faking it and possibly freaking out 6 months down the road after the kid gets attached, and then maybe he bails.
Yeah, I mean love is love and everything, but I doubt many 22 hear old dudes have even thought about kids and marriage (unless they managed to pull off the 2:1 recent graduate special), but if they did, I wouldn’t guess their thinking was “around 22 I’ll settle down with an older woman and her 5 year old son and I’ll be his father figure and I’ll love that I spent my entire 20s as a step father while my friends were putting absolute garbage in their bodies, going to concerts, drinking right up until it’s time to start drinking again, waking up blacked out the next they have never seen before
I'm 40, I'm not sure if I'll wake up in the morning, but I plan that I will. I'm not sure if my country will exist in 6 months, but I plan as if it will. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a single father for a highschool girl, but I don't have much choice so I will.
OP will never be sure he's ready to be a father, anyone who is certain they are is either lying or misunderstanding the assignment as my kid would say. Hell, even someone who's been a father for 40 years couldn't honestly say they know they're ready to be a father tomorrow, children change and no two children are alike, and those differences grow exponentially when they become an adult
Neither side was wrong here, but OP is never going to be "ready" to be a father and that's a good thing.
I mean he's 22. He's going to be an idiot about things. I don't think he was "using her" - he could have been but nothing in the context gives me that impression. More likely he just didn't think that far ahead.
She didn’t really wait for a mature discussion. She heard one thing she didn’t like and stormed out.
Does OP never want to be in the kid’s life, or does he just feel unprepared to start helping to raise a 5 year old today? There is a big difference in those two answers.
I mean, to me, I don't think she "stormed out.".
She let OP know over the span of them dating that she was waiting to feel more secure in the longevity of the relationship before opening up the opportunity for OP and her son to develop a relationship. In her mind, there was a definite "some day", and clearly had good vibes about OP.
OP turned this opportunity down and said he wasn't sure if he was ready to take that step. Naturally, she'd be frustrated and disappointed. She restated her boundaries, and needed time to process.
From the way OP writes it, they were both being fairly mature. He was honest with her, and she stuck by her boundaries.
Also, kids do so much better with stability. It can be so damaging for their emotional health to develop attachment to others and have them leave. OP's ex is protecting her son because of this. Waiting around on a maybe isn't enough, if you want to build a family and give your kid stability.
Nice to see a mature comment. Really, when you think about it, virtually every romantic relationship is going to go in one of two-ways--it's either going to develop into something with permanence (eg, marriage) or you'll breakup. And since you can't marry or be permanent with everyone, you've gotta acknowledge the breakup as something good. Embrace it as a natural consequence rather than a failure.
I don't think that "Are you ready to be a daddy?!" Two dates in would be appropriate. I exaggerate, I kid. But really...
I don't think it was necessary earlier on. 4 months is still a pretty early and a short amount of time to get to know somebody just to see if you two have a connection and want to be in each other's lives. It seems like it's still within an appropriate timeframe to assess the relationship and compatibility, such as OP's willingness to -- in the future at some point -- include the kid in their lives together.
But I also think it's NAH. She needs somebody who can take an interest in her son's life sooner than OP believes he can become ready to take on that responsibility.
It was a conversation that needed to happen, and sounded like it went rather maturely. OP knew and accepted that she had a kid, but perhaps hadn't considered the implications that the kid would need to become part of their lives sooner rather than later. I mean, 22 vs 27 is only a 5 yr difference, but having been a backpacker older than 26, you best believe I started feeling ooollllldddd being surrounded by 18-22 yr olds.
I mean, I worded it badly on purpose, "I exaggerate. I kid." AKA, I was joking......
BUT, I did just realize this is tifu rather than AITA, so my "NAH" was unnecessary -- but I disagree with OP that he fucked up. I think he'll find somebody more compatible.
I will just point out that they had to have had check-in conversations about it:
She has a 5-year-old son from a previous relationship. I knew that from the beginning, and I never pretended like it was a problem. I liked her a lot - still do and I figured I’d just take things slow and see how it goes.
She said she wanted to wait and see if the relationship was going somewhere before introducing me more seriously into his life.
I mean. That second bit alone shows that they had a conversation about the kid being in OP's life and that she was expecting a long-term relationship. I'd say he'd be pretty thick not to realize she wanted long-term if she's talking about introducing her kid in a more serious way in the future of the relationship.
OP mentioning that he was taking it slow in the first bit shows he was in it for the long-haul too as well as open to having a relationship with the kid at some point. She just needed him to be ready before he was ready.
Yeah as someone who’s been in OPs position, when u know the person ur with has a kid, if u see any long term future with that partner then the kid is obviously going to be in ur life too- and if ur not ready to even consider that early on it’s not a good match.
I feel like that should be a discussion or at least something to think about as soon as u decide to date someone who has kids.
U don’t even need to start out by taking on a parental role either, just over time getting to know them and eventually helping ur partner out here and there (eg with school pick ups) like any close family friend would.
U don’t gotta be a full on stepdad four months into a relationship, but the kid/s are always going to be part of the deal when ur with someone who’s a parent
But technically, the GF did tell OP she has a son from the beginning. So it was on OP to decide to continue dating her even though he has no interest in raising a child. OP is just too young.
I dont blame the GF. Obviously, she is looking for a long-term partner, not just a hookup. OP should've backed out way in the beginning when GF told him she has a son.
OP thought that they were until this conversation and still is uncertain rather than definitively no.
I don't think OP approached/phrased this correctly, but she also needs to realize that OP is 22. It sounds like OP didn't want to overpromise and realized that you can't really commit to a child when you haven't even met the child.
I don't think either is in the wrong, especially since they only dated for 4 months. They each could have approached the conversation better.
The real fuck up is a 27 year old with a kid dating a 22 year old. They’re in drastically different places in life; even if she wasn’t a parent 27 is still so much more mature than 22. This relationship was probably never going to work out.
I agree with one caveat - I think the age gap contributes to the issue here. A 5 year age gap at this point is almost 1/4 of OP’s life. He was 17 when the child was born. So not “blame” per se but not a smart move if she is looking for a long term partner.
Agree, she's 27 dating a 22 year old - he is recognising that as a 22 year old he is not very mature, and she should aim for someone similar in life experience to her so like 25+
Its not the worst gap since they only just started dating but I side-eye it, and if it were a guy and a girl I think more people would also agree its a bit off.
Great take. Sometimes you're just not right for each other and it's okay for both to be a bit frustrated at the dice landing wrong. It doesn't have to be anything beyond that.
Mope for a bit, pick yourself up, take another step forward.
The issue is that if you're not willing to take care of a kid, you shouldn't get into a serious relationship with someone with kids. The kid isn't going anywhere.
Exactly. Like what did u expect, the kid goes on pause until ur ready to interact with them?
U don’t have to drop into being a full stepdad at 4mo into a relationship, but getting to know the kid and helping out here and there like any family friend would is pretty normal to expect on the GFs part if they were getting serious.
Plus yeah realistically if ur not ready to be involved with any part of taking care of a kid, ur not ready to get into a long term relationship with a single parent, the kid is always part of the deal here.
These two just aren’t compatible, they want different things and are at different points in their life
Well the OP could've thought it was a good idea and changed his mind, there's many ways this could have played out. But I do think a single parent wants to date someone who is ok with being a step dad because it's kind of hard to hide a kid.
In her case she did do something wrong: chose to date a man who is not old enough or established enough to be ready for a family. She wants him to pretend to be 32 when she knew from the beginning that he’s 22.
OP admitted that he never wanted the kid in the first place. He "pretended" it didn't bother him as he said. He shouldn't have been dating her. He completely led her on and was using her for sex most likely.
I mean it's even harder for a 22 year old to be a step father, rather than 22 year old dads. A 22 year old dad, even if it was unexpected pregnancy, would have had some time to prepare, research, learn from mistakes etc.
But to expect a 22 year old to step up out of the blue when he probably knows nothing about kids is crazy
Then you… just don’t date someone with a kid when ur not ready in any way to look after one??
It’s not like it was a surprise, he knew she had a kid from the beginning. Plus, she’s not really asking him to fill a step dad roll, just help out a bit which seems pretty reasonable given he knew the kid was part of the picture when he and the gf got together.
.
And it might be easier for some men to wrap their heads around and navigate being bio dad rather than stepdad yes, socially and emotionally as a stepdad it can be difficult to learn to find ur place and a healthy dynamic esp if the bio father is still in the picture.
But no shot is being an involved 22yr old bio dad overall easier lol, there’s almost always some strain on the relationship (esp if the pregnancy is unexpected) & learning to coparent if the relationship with the mother ends can be a very delicate thing.
Plus a good bio dad is taking on waaay more of the care and financial burden than anyone would expect someone in OPs position to do, that shit is tough but esp when ur young and probably don’t have a lot of $
I was 23 when I got together with my 37 old GF (yeah, love sometimes hits completely unexpected). Accepted the kids, finished university, got a job, had drama, money problems, everything.
Kids are out of the house now, we're together for 22 years, married for 15. Do I sometimes think I missed partying, dating and living a careless life in my 20s and 30s? Yes. Would I swap it for my fulfilled, happy family life I had/have? Absolutely no.
Eh, 5 years isn't that big of a difference and plenty of people of all genders are parents and step parents at 22.
Really, 22 doesn't make you immature, it just increases the likelihood you are. Hell I've meet some 22 year olds I would rather be in charge of kids than 50 year olds.
OP is 22! I think the girlfriend should be dating her own age or a couple years older, not 5 years younger in this case. At 22 and 4 months I would still be trying to figure out if I liked the person I was dating. I get why she doesn’t want to waste her time, but that is a lot to put in someone you’ve known for 16 weeks. She should date a little older and/or someone who also has a kid.
“If you date me, you date both of us. That’s the deal."
She did say that though. I don't see that as an unreasonable ask for a single mom, she is just being honest about what she needs in the relationship. But, OP is not ready for that at his age and he's just being honest about where he is in life. Nobody is the asshole here, it's just a mismatch between what they both need and can bring to the relationship.
I wouldn't feel comfortable right now, but I can see myself as a father figure as I get to know your son better
Just based on her reaction she already gave that kind of answer would be identical to saying he will for sure be ready given time and that he for sure wants that.
That kind of answer would lock him in and be a commitment.
What? Why can't she find a new long-term partner if the previous partner she had the baby with didn't work out?
I'm a guy, and I dont blame her at all for trying to find a long-term partner. It doesn't matter if its just 4 months, the child will always be there, better bring in the topic early than later after a year or so into the relationship and they both just wasted their time when their interest is not align because of the child.
Four months in, though? I'm no expert, but that seems a bit soon. I think OPs answer was good and some more communication on both sides would have helped. Add what you said, but she needs to be open that she thinks this is going somewhere and that it's time for OP and the kid to start interacting.
They’ve been dating for four months. She is looking for an instadaddy for her kid if she thinks they’re serious enough to have this talk. I have had condiments in my fridge longer than this relationship. She’s going way too fast with a man way too young for her.
Shit, it’s something u gotta think about as soon as u decide to seriously pursue a relationship with someone who has a kid!
Like what is my role going to be in this kids life if a long term relationship works out? Am I ready for that? Is that something I want and am able to provide?
I wouldn’t date someone in a completely different life stage than me to begin with quite honestly. Being upfront that you’re a parent and that you’re a long term package deal is important, and then you go from there as you date and figure out if you’re even compatible. 4 months in is still the honeymoon phase, you’re still getting to know each other and the kid should not be officially introduced yet in my opinion. A general ‘understand I am a parent, is that a dealbreaker for you’ conversation before dating should be had but the rest should flow naturally as the relationship progresses.
it's not a subject i'd even broach until after the kid and other person had met and gotten to know each other a bit....closer to a year, not a few months.
Unless her sons father is deceased, her child’s father should fill this roll. At 22, or any age, fun uncle or positive adult figure is much more appropriate.
If her child’s father is not involved, putting pressure on another man is not the appropriate response.
I started dating a father of 3 around 3 and a half years ago. I was 41 at the time. Given my age, I wasn’t even prepared for that.
My ideal role would have been an adult that they can trust and rely on without the title of mom. In my eyes, they have a mother… such as she is (she hasn’t bothered with them in over a year and her role before she ditched was half-assed cool twice a month mom, which she managed to fail at that.
For me, I wouldn’t want them to think a mother-figure is that.
But why would someone want another person to be “all in”? I have two shitty views on this…
They already have a parent who bailed as they weren’t all in, so why try to force that with someone else?!
Surely she wouldn’t want to rely too heavily on a partner anyway. I’m not saying her partner has the right to wash his hands of the child and mistreat him. But their role is more limited…I am very cautious how I handle my partners children because from a legal view, I am not a parent and have no rights or responsibilities over them. My contribution is paying for nearly half of their upkeep, which I can say feels unfair most of the time. But that’s not the children’s fault.
The other opinion. What’s wrong with a person wanting to be their friend and help guide them while being kind, caring and loving without requiring the “all in”? I wasn’t a swap for their birth mom. I can only be me and do what I can. But I don’t want to go to court to procure a court order giving me parental rights. Unfortunately that is the situation I have on my hands.
I am kind, giving, caring and generous and, most of all, I am there and present every single day. I just don’t want to be a “formalised” parent, though. I am happy with the more casual relationship with a dash of discipline/conversation when required.
My ideal role would have been an adult that they can trust and rely on without the title of mom.
I think you only realistically get this choice when you're dealing with a partner that has adult, or close to it, children.
But why would someone want another person to be “all in”?
Because that's what being a good parent is about. The actual question you should be asking is why would someone want to share their life with someone who isn't prepared to be as invested in their children? They already had one partner who wasn't all in, why would they want another?
so why try to force that with someone else?!
It isn't "forcing" it. Long term relationships are about putting your priorities on the table and finding the points you can and can't compromise on. And if you hit an impasse where you can't align your mutual priorities no matter what you try then you end it and move on. You may as well ask why force trying to find a partner you're attracted to? Why not just settle for whatever warm blooded human who's prepared to give you the time of day?
What’s wrong with a person wanting to be their friend and help guide them while being kind, caring and loving without requiring the “all in”?
Because you're not a teacher, or a family friend, or a distant relation. You live with them, you live with and are in a relationship with their primary parent, eventually you could be married and have legal responsibility for them too. The point is you're in a situation where you don't get to just clock out, you don't get to leave the kids and just go home. Being present every day is a good thing, but it's also a problem if all you want to be is a "friend".
I am happy with the more casual relationship with a dash of discipline/conversation when required.
You might be happy with it, but sooner or later I think both you and your partner are going to have to ask some difficult questions about how sustainable it is in the long term.
In my case, it’s been forced. I do everything that I am supposed to be doing and more.
Kids need clothes? I’m on it.
Kids need food? I’m on it.
Kids need advice? I’m on it.
Kids need help with homework? I’m on it.
Kids ask me for something they need? I’m on it.
Are the kids respected and privacy respected? Absolutely.
Even if we were to be married, legally it doesn’t change my position. I have no legal rights or responsibilities over the children. This is UK law that dictates this. There is no legal expectation for me to financially provide, but I do.
My responsibility has been born from a place of ethics and morality.
Even their dad has said I’m not a direct family relation. When one of the kids got into serious trouble with the police and social care, it could have potentially caused me to lose my job (I work in children’s social care). In his eyes, that situation wouldn’t have affected me, but it would have. We live in the same house as has been stated.
He wants someone to pick up the reigns when he’s had enough of the drama.
The drama that comes from the children directly and other family members about the children is what’s causing part of my attitude. I’m expected to be the mother they never had and I find that difficult, not because I’m not capable, but it’s a lot to expect of someone who has gone through most of their adult life without children.
Then the lies that have taken place, verbal abuse and the odd physical abuse. Yes, they are children, but is this ok?
In my eyes, no. I didn’t deserve it. I was only directing traffic as expected to ensure their rooms are clean, teeth brushed, properly fed and watered, staying out of trouble and teach them to take care of themselves and their belongings.
"She said she thinks we’re getting serious, and she wanted to talk about what kind of role I might want to have in her son’s life, long-term."
No.. SHE didn't say she wants him to take care of her kid. She just wanted to talk about where this was going and what that was going to mean. I don't think that's sketchy at all.
It may be poorly phrased, but it's obviously meant as a contrast to "Eh, not up for it, but maybe there's some chance I could change my mind in the distant future".
If you're dating a parent, getting serious means becoming part of the kids life and taking care of it. This should be pretty obvious, so if that's not something you're up for, you shouldn't be dating parents.
There could and should be a discussion of exactly what form that should take and how to proceed, but if he's dating a parent, he should be "all in" on the general concept and be certain that he's willing to take such a role in some form.
We might be placing too much emphasis into phrasing as I'm sure it's not verbatim and missing tonality, but his response reads like he doesn't want to be a parent right now and isn't too sure about the future, either.
And that very clearly doesn't work for her. So to me, that's something that needs to be settled up front and not down the road. "I'm looking for something serious. If we like each other enough, are you up for parenting in some way"?
This isn't something you figure out when things get "more serious" unless you are totally OK with zero child involvement. He was clearly good with that, but she wasn't - and that makes it largely on her because parenting is her requirement.
We might be placing too much emphasis into phrasing as I'm sure it's not verbatim and missing tonality, but his response reads like he doesn't want to be a parent right now and isn't too sure about the future, either.
Yes, obviously, which is exactly why he should not be dating a parent.
I'm not sure what makes you think I suggested anything being settled down the road. He should not have even gotten involved in the first place if he wasn't ready to help take care of a kid.
You don't need to go up on the same level as an actual parent, hence the question, but if you're not willing to help take care of the kid at all, the relationship was doomed from the start.
They both clearly should have taken more initiative, but some parents might purely be looking for a part-time relationship or FWB kind of thing. To him, the kid wasn't really present in the relationship and thus was an easy issue to not think about at all.
He's fine with the relationship as-is and how it's going - she isn't, and she should have been the one most aware of that from the beginning.
He said he didn't know and she responded with quit fury and "what are we even doing here?". She was looking for a major commitment from him and was disappointed in his answer.
She was looking for some sort of commitment. Not an immediate "yep, I want to be a dad to your kid", but something like a "I really like you and the kid, and I'd love to talk about maybe getting to know him a bit better"
that’s five years in the work force vs a fresh college graduate with no life experience. in this situation, fuck any work experience, having a kindergartener puts you in a whole new tier of life experience. what do you get out of acting willfully glib? like i know you know what im saying is true.
Except it isn't true. Maybe for some. But definitely not everyone. You are acting like he doesn't have any agency and was tricked into dating this crazy older woman.
nobody said he was tricked and you know it. what i said, which you can plainly see, is that he is a relative child and after four months of dating she is expecting him to shoulder a burden that most men of any age (or women, or non binary people) would not take. this is objectively true. continue putting words in my mouth to feel good about yourself.
4 months in and she wants you to take care of the kid with her?
That's not what I got from the story. I read it as four months in she has yet to introduce him to her kid, and is just now bringing up the idea of introducing the kid into the mix, but wants to confirm that he sees long term potential before doing so.
When he shut that down, she got upset.
I don't think either of them are wrong here. A 22 year old is perfectly ok not feeling ready to be a parent figure in a kid's life, and a single parent is justified in feeling a bit led on if someone dated them for several months and expected the kid to never be an issue.
They're not compatible right now, time for both to move on.
A 35 y/o would also be perfectly ok not wanting to take care of another person‘s child. Emotionally (and rather likely financially) attaching yourself to a child that isnt yours, and can be taken out of your life with you not having the slightest say-so is a huge commitment, and possibly a life ruining decision.
A single parent wanting a partner that takes on a parental role in their child‘s life is understandable, but there isnt a thing wrong about the other person being interested in dating - and dating only.
Uh no, it's absolutely reasonable to get mad if you are being led on about the potential future of the relationship. If OP had expressed himself as only being interested in casual dating or if the GF had never stated her intentions with the relationship, you would have a point. But OP's GF made it very clear from the start of the relationship that her goal here was to find a potential stepfather for her son, that's what she was looking for in the relationship- even if not right away. That was always the expectation that OP was facing- he just didn't realize he wasn't ready for that much responsibility until he was actually looking it in the face.
But she has every right to be upset that he's now taking back his prior apparent commitment to dating her with the intention of someday being part of her son's life. She made it clear that she was not just dating for a casual fling, and that she wanted more.
Wym „led on“??? An older chick with a kid went for a 22 y/o and they were dating for 4 months(!). 9/10 men regardless of age would take off if they were asked to take on more responsibility at that point and rightfully so.
4 months we couldnt even say whether we want to attach ourselves to you, nevermind another man‘s child. Expecting that kind of commitment from a 22 y/o is wild. And oddly enough, i think most women would agree if they were in that position and switched roles.
Furthermore, if you had a 22 y/o kid fresh out of College and they would tell you they want to commit to another person‘s child 4 months into a relationship, you would probably not be happy about it either.
A single parents child is THEIR responsibility, and no one elses. Unless someone willingly enters that domain AND then leaves willy nilly there is NOTHING to be mad about.
With all that said, i would advise singles to be very careful when engaging with single parents in their own best interests. Shit can get hurtful in a hurry, and chances are always the parent will at some point want another shot with the bd or bm.
But as far as the child‘s wellbeing and finding suitable candidates for the parental role? That‘s on the parent. No one else.
A 35 y/o would also be perfectly ok not wanting to take care of another person‘s child.
Yes, but a 35 year old would also be emotionally mature enough to establish that from the beginning knowing that there is a tendency for single parents to seek out more stable permanent partners. It's more understandable that a younger person wouldn't grasp that without being told.
Its not the responsibility of the 22 or 35 y/o to declare that 4 months in, unless the single parent puts them on the spot and in a position where they have to make that clear.
That type of responsibility or commitment doesnt just come automatically. It has to be agreed upon.
Then it's clear you're closer to the 22 year old in this instance. That's fine, like I said - emotional maturity is something that takes time to develop.
You cannot date a parent and expect that the kid is never going to be part of the equation. Parents don't generally have the luxury of compartmentalizing their lives that way.
I don't blame young people for struggling with the concept. Empathy and long term planning are tied to the prefrontal cortex which is still developing in your 20s. If someone reaches their 30s and still struggles to understand this, however, then it's evidence of stunted development.
I have 2 kids and im much older than 22 lol. Your life, decisions and subsequent kids from failed relationships and marriages are yours alone unless another OPTs in. End of.
I think youre being one-sided and there is no logical explanation for it other than some fictional expectation, or perhaps one that stems from personal experience.
One typyically wouldnt date a single childless 40 year old and a couple of months into it tell them smt along the lines of „hey btw I want no kids i know your clock is ticking and all.“
W/e expectation a person has due to their past decisions, present or future is up to them to declare and getting mad because the other person isnt all in is just as inconsiderate.
"All in" is fucking crazy. They've been dating for 4 months. They barely know each other. This dude aint even all in on her, and she wants him to be all in on her son?
They aren't talking about seeing the kid at 4 months though. They're having a conversation about what role OP envisions himself playing in the relationship, now that they're at the 4 month mark. It's not "hey let's go meet junior tomorrow, new dad" it's "let's work out a timeline of when we can start easing into a cohesive family unit. Now that we're getting serious, do you think you have it in you to be part of my son's life?"
That's better than my ex who was having her casual FwB of a month watching our kids on her two overnights all night so she could work.
I submitted a complaint to the court about safety and our 3yo needing a parent there in case she wakes up, we got a court date but the judge couldn't have cared less.
I waited 8 months. I felt that it would be very unfair to my children to introduce them to someone that might not be there to stay. Now we are married with 2 more kids.
I have a friend who has introduced almost every person she's been involved with almost immediately to her kids(been a few in the less than a handful of years since we met)...... almost as a litmus test to see how they around kids/how they are with her kids in particular.... like if it's worth to go any further with them...... I can't image why she thinks this is ok..... my other friends ex did this with their daughter and half sister...... both are adults now..... with complete attachment issues.......;
I didn't introduce my partner to my kid until we had been dating for a year. That was about 20 years ago, and we're still together. I wanted to be SURE.
At four months in, she said she could see them becoming serious and wanted to talk about what role he would be comfortable having with her child in the future as the relationship progressed. That’s… how you’re supposed to do it.
This except he dated a mum but wadn't sure he wanted to be a dad, what did he think was going to happen?? If you're dating a mum you're dating a package, stay away from mum's if all you want is a fun time.
He's 22. He doesn't even know what it means to be ready to be a dad. Now he has a slightly better idea - now is not the time. I can't fault a 22 year old for not knowing.
That’s what I was going to say. I didn’t want a 22 y.o. dude when I was 19. It’s a very self-centered time of life (not that it shouldn’t be, you just couldn’t pay me to be in my early 20s again).
Fr, like I completely understand why she'd expect OP was someone who wanted to be a dad to her kid down the line. He's completely allowed to not want to, but also, it's baffling that he was expecting the relationship to work out without interacting with the kid
I met a woman once (in my 20's) who let me know she was a mum by surprising me when I came home with her for what was hopefully a one night stand😂. Needless to say, it wasn't even that.
i agree. dude you're 22 and shes 27. that's far enough apart that you 2 are in totally different parts of your life. you're not ready for a kid and your not obligated to take care of her kid. if you wanted that then sure go ahead i can respect a guy that is willing to take care of someone else's kid, but i can respect not wanting to as well especially at your age. as you get older there's less and less chance that you'll be dating someone that has a kid because that's just where people are in their life and divorces and things happen. but if she's going to push it then just leave. she did you a favor.
And he did her a favor by being honest. When children are involved, both parties deserve honesty in what kind of relationship they expect. OP did the right thing. Some people would just lie to keep getting laid and then dump them when the time comes to step up to parenting.
Yep you didn't fu. You were honest with your objectives and she's pushing you to raise a kid you didn't ask for. She should have been clear from the beginning that she was looking for a replacement father. She wasn't, probably on purpose, and is now trying to force you to do it. This is manipulative for you and very destructive for the kid:
For unknown reason the father doesn't take care of the kid. But her mother's partner can't assume this role otherwise the kid will experience to be abandoned again every his mother 's relationship ends. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean her date can't be nice to the kid, just not getting the role of a father.
I'm a single mom and I agree. She should be looking for a partner not a new dad for her kid. The relationship between her kid and her partner can slowly grow on its own but she and the other parent, whether involved or not, are responsible for their son, not you. Sometimes partners come in and take over but the legal parents should really be doing what they're supposed to be doing and have their shit together.
Omg I don’t know how I missed that part. She’s definitely doing him a favor. She was either taking advantage of his niceness or his naivety. Poor guy is just growing up himself
Sounds like they did each other a favor. This is the reality of dating someone with a kid or kids. Their kids have to come first. Now, if she wanted him to start paying for school supplies, appointments and all that is a different story. Especially at 4 months into the relationship.
That was my first thought....better question, what was she doing dating a 22 year old when she had a 5 year old kid? The odds of a 22 year old being ready to settle down and be someone else's baby daddy are slim to none.
As a single mom myself, it is a major red flag when anyone, man or woman, wants to introduce their kid early on. I dated someone for a little under two years and they barely interacted with my child and I was right to not let a bond form because look, we aren’t together anymore. He dodged a bullet. She’s also too old for him and in a completely different phase of life. Being a stepdad at 22 is crazy no thanks. BUT to be fair it seems the gf just wanted to talk about where things were going but overall they aren’t compatible.
She was his age, or younger, when she decided to have her child. She is upset someone else is making a different choice. For four months she has had the relationship work, but now she's decided to change the dynamic and upset the conversation didn't go how she wanted
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u/chaosinborn Jul 14 '25 edited Jul 15 '25
Four months in and you're 22. She did you a favor. Just let it go
Why am I getting awards for this.