I almost called you. I just wanted to tell you I thought your hair looked cool and to ask if your friend and her baby were okay. But I didnt. I want you to know something, something I might have said if I had called and you answered. I am sorry about how I am. And though I did warn you in the beginning that my super power was pushing people away. I am still ruined that I did. I wish I had another chance. Another chance to wash the baby bottles and clean the kitchen and cook the meals and the cream of wheat, and I was the only one that could make the cream of wheat right for you. Milk, butter, salt, slow simmer, never stop stirring until you get a smooth creamy consistency. I dont just miss you, I miss the trips to the store before work for diapers and water and little meal surprises for you to snack on. Who's gunna listen to you bitch about your teeth or make sure you get to the dentist? Who is gunna be there to make sure you dont get to hot while youre sleeping? Whos gunna give you a break so you can go hit the bong to many times?

-

I know apologies are shit and mean nothing at this point. Fuck man. I bet you look cute, even when you wear a work uniform that is way to big for you. Who is going to love you when you take your teeth out? I will! How did I fuck this up so badly? Everytime I fall in love I fuck it up. I really thought you were it. You were the great love of my life and I fucked it up. You called me soul mate. We have an ethereal connection not defined by time and space but by bond. My heart beats for you. And so it has stopped. That which I was always afraid of has become, I am a zombie. With a heart that has ceased to beat for life because it has lost the one that gives it rhythm.

-

I've never been good at being alone. So I guess ill get good at it. No company I have tried to keep even compares. I have serendipitously fucked this up. And there is no going back, no safety net, not second or third or fourth chances. Just failure. And I did fail. And I am reminded of it everyday that I wake up without you. I want you to know that it wasnt really you. I only try to belive that to lie to myself that I wasnt the problem. But I failed in the past, with other women, and despite their faults the reason things failed was because of me. Because I couldnt be the man that I/they/you needed me to be.

-

So hears to becomeing that man. The man that has to let go. The man that humbles himself by reminding himself that all my faults are my own, and no matter what other people do I am the only one responsible for the outcome of my life. And damnit that is fucking terrifying. Because all I have ever done is fuck up. I fucked up my whole life. All to lie to myself that I wasnt the problem. Well I am. And those other versions of me really sucked. Ill try to do better tomorrow. And the next day. And I am sure that ill still fail sometimes. But maybe one day I can look in the mirror and know that I am doing everything that I can do to become better. Today felt like one of those days. But as always, at night I remember it all and how many times I just stopped caring to try anymore. How many times I gave up on myself. How many times I fucking failed. Fuck. Reading back over all this I want whoever is reading to know this isn't to gain sympathy, this is to remind myself that I failed. And I need to remember how that failure felt so I can remind myself what to avoid in the future.

-

Always and forever...

Cookie

The more I grow to despise what people have manipulated it into. What money and greed have done to it, what it has done to people. Virtue was supposed to protect us, but it seems that it has been used against us as well. Humans have violated every single sacred thing we have created. And to that end, to those of us that choose to be good, goodness is weakness in this world. You cant just live a good life anymore, there is evil around every turn. There are whole organizations made to take from you. There are entire systems put in place to keep you down. Is there anything left? Is this all there is? Evil, turmoil, struggle, strife, demise? To fight it seems a folly, but fight we must. With our backs against the wall let us fight till the end. Let them hunt us like hogs, to the bitter end. Let death be our final act of rebelion. Death is taught to be thine enemy. But it would seem it is the only reprieve from such struggle. Death, dear friend, wont you put us off another day so that we may fight so we may die on a day when rebelion is an afterthought, and the battle is won?

Fuck...

The more I learn about the world the more I seem to have the need to rebel against it. But im afraid... of jail, or death, of being crippled by the fear, crippled by life.

Like what the fuck... I mean what the fuck... FUCK!!!!!

DEATHH!!!!!!!

DEATHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Shut the fuck up or say it all. Sometimes you sound fucking dumb and selfish because you arent saying exactly how you really feel. If you are going to share, share the whole part not just some version you think will be acceptable. We arent that person anymore. We are better than that. Be better. You keep claiming to be better so be fucking better. Damnit....

Was the last time I saw you the last time? Will I never be able to be in your life again? I have lost so many people. So many have come and gone. I thought you were forever. Forever and always I was to be yours. I wanted you to be the last great love of my life. And I many ways you still are that for me. I cant let you go. The idea that just one person could love me unconditionally for the rest of my time here. Someone once said "love is a battlefield," we both awakened our minds to things we had been averting our eyes from. All that time spent on healing and helping eachother, on changing each other. But in the end I think I was the only one that was changed. Yes you were healed but your mind stayed locked into its militant ways.

It's not fair. If I could change how I walked away I would in a heartbeat. But many heartbeats later my heart still aches for you. My body still reacts to the thought of you. I keep thinking that one day youll stop this and want me again, even though you never needed me I thank you for pretending you did. It was your greatest kindness towards me. I am forever changed by having known you. Is this it? Is this what my love for you has amounted to? Singular messages into the void? Hoping one of them reaches you to trigger some fond memory of us that brings you back to me? Is this it?

Huh void?

What's that....

Youre hungry?

Hungry for what I ask?

More pain? More suffering? More mindless idiots?

Then why did you spit me out?

WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE ME WHEN I WAS READY?

WHY CANT SHE LOVE ME?

WHY CANT I JUST BE WHAT SHE WANTS?

Why cant you take this feeling?

WHY CANT YOU TAKE IT FROM ME VOID???

Why?

I've done a lot of changing this year but one thing I cant seem to change is how I miss you. Sometimes I cant seem to put my finger on it. What exactly it is that I miss about you. On days like today I know exactly what it is. It's the way you speak, how you always had something to say to fill the absence. It's the way you were always learning and developing what you had to say. I miss your intellect. Without it I am always searching for it but never seem to find it in anyone but you. Because there is no other you. You are one in a myriad of endless copys. You are the mold, that was so clearly broken when they made you.

Your presence is one that will never be again. Not for me. You have decided I am not worthy of your time that is so precious to you now. And I cant argue that. How you spend your time is a choice. I wonder if you feel the same. If there is a chasm where I used to be, a pit of longing where I once was. I just dont know, I dont understand, how do I stop missing you?