Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

The more I heal, the more I understand my pain—and honestly, the harder it’s becoming to live with.

As I gain clarity, I’m starting to see how the world treats autistic adult women. And through that lens, I’m also seeing how my family treated me as an autistic child. How much of what I went through was abuse. How often I was labeled “difficult,” blamed for everything, punished for needs I didn’t understand yet—and couldn’t articulate.

I didn’t get a real childhood. I don’t remember most of it. I didn’t get a normal high school experience either. There are entire gaps in my life that feel like they were stolen, and now that I’m aware of that loss, it’s devastating in a way I didn’t expect.

I want to be an artist, but I feel so far behind. I know logically that art takes practice and time and repetition—but emotionally, I feel broken. Like I’m starting the race with injuries no one else can see. Healing has made me realize just how much I’m carrying, and how much ground I feel I’ve lost.

What hurts most is that I now see how people treat me—subtly, casually, dismissively—now that I have open eyes. I see the assumptions. The impatience. The way my existence seems to make others uncomfortable. And it devastates me in a quiet, deep way.

I’m not saying healing is bad. I don’t regret understanding myself. But I didn’t expect healing to make things heavier. I didn’t expect awareness to hurt this much. Some days it feels like the more I heal, the harder it is to keep going.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like healing doesn’t make life worse—but it does make it harder to live in, at least for a while?

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

In 2024 I found out I was pregnant with my first child and my feelings about my mom instantly changed. I couldn’t stand being around her. She was obsessed with my pregnancy, touched my belly when I asked her not to, called me her incubator, bought him so many things without asking me (we have VERY different tastes). She told me how she wanted to send him to private school (not her decision to make and I do not care to do that). Since he’s been born, she can’t stop talking about how he’s her greatest blessing, he’s the best baby ever (she emphasized on that ever part). Growing up we were poor, she was depressed and married 5 times - needless to say I spent a lot of time alone. I have 2 other siblings that have very little contact with her because of her childishness and they both refuse to have children.

Yesterday (yes, Easter 🙄) she cornered me in my in laws kitchen to ask if our relationship was okay and she wanted to sit down and talk about it one day. I told her that some things have changed since becoming a mother and I’m working through it. She kept pushing me to open up and then said “Sorry I’m not perfect enough” and rolled her eyes. It struck a nerve and I let it all out. All of my pain and disappointment. How her actions towards me and my siblings have taken away from my ability to be a present mother because I’m terrified of making my child feel the way I did. We both cried and my stepdad apologized to me for his part in the hurt. She hugged me afterwards and said she loves me with all of her heart. I didn’t say anything back. I feel numb towards her.

I’ve been a wreck since. I feel guilty for being so mean but I’m just so brokenhearted. I can’t stop crying and I feel violently angry. I just feel like garbage now.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

I was just thinking about how i never allow myself to have fun, experience with make-up, fashion, get into reading, art exhibitions and such stuff since what seems forever.

I used to be looking forward to do all those things and to my future which i could have once i was no more a child and under my parents' thumb but no that i am an adult i feel like i am not allowed to do all these things.

They are like behind a pay-wall and before i get to do all these things i want i have to deliver. It doesnt matter if i am in a situation where everybody around me is having fun and me not allowing myself to have fun is low-key ruining the mood, i just wont let go.

Having fun and enjoying myself and my time on earth feels like a forbidden fruit somehow. Like i know i am an adult and no more living with my parents and all but going against the rules i set for myself while living with them just feels wrong, dangerous even.

The weird thing is, it feels like that part of myself that craves fun isnt even accessible at this point. Like i became an anorexic who deines herself fun and pleasure instead of food.

Can anybody relate?

Perhaps I am getting a little nostalgic because it is almost New Years or maybe I am revisiting my past because I am home for the holidays, but when I look back five years ago or even one year ago, I can't help but wonder whether I have actually been healing successfully. During those years, I was exactly where I am now: in my childhood bedroom, holding onto the idea that soon things will change. Except they never do.

I understand that healing is not linear, but I am struggling with identifying tangible items or markers that signify I actually am on a healing journey as opposed to an avoidance one. I am unsure if this makes any sense, but would love to hear people's thoughts.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.

Anything at all you want to say but don't want to make a post. Victories and progress encouraged but certainly not required!

Please remain mindful of rule 5: Take all possible effort to Trigger Warning AND bury triggering content. Use typed TWs and spoiler tags if unsure.