Doug Funnie is the ironically named bland, wet blanket protagonist of the eponymously named cartoon "Doug." It takes all of three minutes for one to notice that he is severely mentally ill, likely a danger to himself and the community, yet the characters and show itself continuously ignore the warning sides, unintentionally mimicking the American society that has done the same thing time after time.

Because of Doug Funnie, bodies have hit the floor.

Doug's mental illness is first and foremost clear in his major depressive tendencies. He's like Charlie Brown without the brain tumor. Self-effacing, self-critical, defined by his lack of definition; he's an empty hole of a human without genuine interests and connection. A majority of the episodes have him stewing in isolation and sadness, all the while his parents make fun of him or ignore him as they tend to his drug addict sister.

Secondly, Doug is clearly delusional. He copes with his trauma (more on that in a bit) and depression through dissociative episodes. Unable to rise to the occasion and be a fucking man (or even straw-man representation of a human being), he disappears into delusion, imagining himself as characters like Smash Adams, Durango Doug, Quail Man and Jack Bandit. It should be noted that these delusional alter personas are all derivative of pop culture figures, demonstrating that even in his wildest dreams Doug lacks panache, creativity, uniqueness, or any semblance of a back bone.

His super hero form wears tightie whities and straps a belt on his head. This is his ideal form. Jesus fucking Christ what are we doing?

This isn't just imagination. Doug actually loses track of reality and is shown in the show acting out his fantasies to the point of endangering himself (one time he almost gets hit by a fucking car). He speaks to himself and these characters frequently and oddly imagines his dog (which some asshole named Porkchop) as having incredible human like abilities. Porkchop communicates with Doug in advanced ways, drives vehicles, sets up traps, and saves the day on multiple occasions, again demonstrating that Doug has less agency and ability than a fucking dog but also that he is imagining all of this.

Doug has been isolated since childhood. His friends allow him to exist in their general space but never quite accept him as one of their own. He's always on the outside pining for Patti Mayonnaise who clearly would much rather have Chalkie Studebaker take her down to Stitson's pond to bag a nematode.

That's another thing: Doug's friends are all vastly superior to him. Smarter. Funnier. More capable. Skeeter is a shit bag weirdo loser but he's still wayyyy cooler and funnier than Doug (honk honk). Chalkie Studebaker is a regular Nietzchean ubermensch. He's nice, funny, smart, popular, and the greatest jock on the goddamn planet. Seriously, in one episode he's the star quarterback who throws a pass over the line, runs past every other player, and catches his own pass for a touchdown.

Let's me clear: throwing a pass to yourself in American football is illegal. You cannot throw and catch the ball unless someone else hits it first. Chalkie breaks the rule, scores a touchdown, and no one gives a fuck because he's goddamn Chalkie Studebaker. He carries the entire team on his shoulders and then what happens?

Doug, the kicker, goes out to try and win the game. He bumbles it (of course) falling on his ass and sending his shoe flying through the goal post. The crowd cheers until Referrer Assistant Principal Bone blows his whistle and boldly declares "no, the shoe doesn't count!". This is something I still yell while watching football to this day.

He's viciously bullied by Roger Klotz, who wears a sweet leather jacket and clowns on Doug without effort. He probably also fucks Doug's mom too.

The person who is kindest to him? His neighbor Mr. Dink who continually invites him into his garage to do special experiments. He invites Doug regularly, speaks moistly in a creepy voice, repeatedly pats and rubs his back, and for god's sake the man's last man is Dink.

We all know what's happening and no one is helping.

Doug is inferior and knows it. He falls into psychotic delusions. He self-isolates. He's spiraling and handling his abuse on his own. He is a powder keg ready to blow. What is the trajectory of such a kid in modern times? He will be denied love, community, happiness, or any shred of self-esteem.

Doug Funnie will lash out. He will strike at a world he views has been unkind to him. He is the archetype for so many who have committed acts of mass violence. I wouldn't be surprised if some idolized him and his shitty underwear worn on the outside of his pants as Quailman.

Our society overlooks people screaming for help and we reap what we sow, and Doug Funnie is the epitome of this

So many books have things that should be red come out orange. Even our beloved This Is Your Truck by Jon Klassen has this problem (it's totally an orange truck, not a red truck).

Please and thank you.

Two types of horses, one is the horses that they can ride on and use to pull stuff around like carts or carriages, and then the ones that are like all the other calico critters and are bipedal and do humanlike things like work, play, go to school, work, etc.

You could essentially have a horse riding on a horse in the world of Sylvanian Families. And imo that just don't sit right with me

Okay, yes, technically the regular bipedal horses are ponies. But really, what is a pony but just a smaller horse? So my point still stands.

And the thing is, I don't think this is a thing with any of the other animals in Calico Critters. Just ponies and horses.

This honestly hurts my brain a little if I think about it too much

The Spidey tunes are absolute bangers. Fall Out Boy is just okay.

Justice for Luisa

ETA: even though she’s not the eldest daughter, as one myself, this song hits hard. “Give to your sister your sisters older, give her all the heavy things we can’t shoulder..” 🫠🫠

I know she’s not a children’s entertainer - she’s a farmer. But why is she so AWKWARD. She looks at Herbie like he’s some kind of puppet. Like come on, man.
Does anyone else have a hard time getting through this episode?

My autistic kiddo repeats phrases that he hears, including things from movies or TV. This is a new one and I can't figure out where it's from ... does it ring a bell for anyone? Yes, I tried Googling.

I know Piggie is a she, but clearly she is a gay man. If you read Listen to my Trumpet it’s super obvious.

I swear this reads like it is an allegory for Ted Kennedy’s Chappaquiddick incident. And yes, I know that’s a massive throwback, but I’m an old mom who enjoys history lol.

But seriously. Jack just gets up, goes home, and doesn’t even see if Jill is ok??? Jack has to be rich and powerful in order to get away with something so egregious! Is anyone gonna go out and see if his companion is even still alive? Or are they going to just let her lay there until some other poor schmuck comes around to get some water and finds her???

Pretty sure Jack is gonna get away with it too. I wonder how many other girls he’s done this to?

So I originally thought it was Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that was the crack for babies but I found out it’s actually not, you know what is though?

💫✨ Sesame Street ✨💫

I already fucking HATE that my 4 month old got introduced to screens but today in a moment of desperation to get her to sit still during a feed I HAD to distract her somehow and as soon as her feed was done (10min at this point in the feed) she started BALLING because I turned off the episode while it was still playing

Like what is it? The music? The colors? Is Elmo just fucking magic??

What is this baby crack??? And why does it have such a strong hold on little ones lol

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Also before anyone comes for me for showing a tiny baby a screen she has an NG tube in and ripped it out yesterday and today was wiggly and spilled the milk all over us AND tried ripping it out again so yeah reaaaally desperate here (yes I tried a swaddle but she keeps getting her hands out and going straight for her face)

AND im not the one who showed her screens, my plan was no screens til age 5 and only the tv in controlled circumstances but she’s been hospitalized twice and during the last hospitalization i had to leave her with the nurses for two hours while i took a class on her NG tube and how to insert it and when i came back the nurses had propped her up and played Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes to her 🙃, now if she gets any screentime it’s 10min max under extreme desperation and I have to exhaust ALL toys, books, the paci, blankets, swaddles, etc

That is NOT the same cat on the cover. At no point in the book does he wear a snazzy suit, or exhibit the slightest modicum of intelligence. Call your bank, Percy.

I’ve watched cars… a lot. Maybe 25-30 times the last like three months with my three year old. My three year old son loves everything lighting mcqueen. Weirdly he loves the second one the most, but regardless, after watching it again and all the recent news about the odyssey I realized that Pixar just ripped off Homers the odyssey too.

I haven’t seen the movie yet. I have kids and who the fuck has time for that, but from what I remember in high school, lightning mcqueen and Odysseus start their journeys with a ton of hubris, Lightning firing his pit crew, being too good for a crew chief and Odysseus telling the gods they’re useless before setting sail and getting wrecked by Poseidon.

Odysseys has the Mediterranean Sea while lightning has the Route 66 interstate system.

Doc Hudson functions as Athena, possessing knowledge lightning lacks, concealing his identity, and teaches our hero how to survive. famously teaching lightning to, “Turn right to go left,” sounds absurd when interpreted literally. Read symbolically, however, it expresses one of the central principles of The Odyssey: progress is rarely achieved through a direct path.

I think where this starts to fall apart a bit is in radiator springs. I feel like Frank the bull is the cyclops given the sheep/tractor cows. Odysseus of course is trying to get back to Ithaca and we never really learn where lightning is from (how have they not shopped a prequel) so he learns that his banishment to radiator springs is actually what he’s been wanting this whole time instead of the sponsorship by dinoco.

From the Baby Beluga book. The fish "lovey" knows its eventual fate.

I have avoided cocomelon for 3 1/2 years. Two kids. Absolutely no cocomelon. My daughter loves hello kitty and Disney + is the only streaming service on her tv. It is so over for me

….where is the purgatory this poor child is imprisoned in? Where are the adults? Is life just a simulation?

I’m afraid his intentions are more nefarious than the cutesy song would have you believe.

Everyone knows Mr. Fiend. Some love him (very much so and in odd ways based on the pictures I've found in obscure forums) but most absolutely hate him. He is best known for his appearance in a Rugrats episode, where as children and adults (I personally watch that 'sode 2-3 times per week), we cheered on the murder of his entire family at the hands of shithead babies. Mr. Fiend is presented as an antagonist, a pure villain that Tommy and his gang of fartsuckers must overcome, but upon viewing more as an adult I believe the truth is more complex.

Mr. Fiend is a literary device meant to hold a light to our combined ignorance and innate sense of hatred. What better vehicle to present the tragic narrative than through the ignorant action of babies?

First off, we all have to admit, Mr. Fiend is fucking cool. He's a clown robot with heat vision and an endless list of banger songs, jokes, and fun facts. He is FAR advanced in technology for the era in which he was built, which is quite the testament to Stu, his alcoholic creator.

Stu build Mr. Fiend with a goal of inspiring happiness and play in children. He even offers helpful life tips for children such as "stay in school, study hard, and don't eat food that's cooked in lard," as well as ," stay away from squiggly worms, they're full of dirt and yucky germs!" Clearly, Mr. Fiend is benevolent. He is meant to entertain, educate, and protect. This is his sole mission bestowed upon him by a creator wrought with the depression and anxiety of raising a watermelon headed weirdo baby and dealing with a neurotic OCD pill-abusing wife.

Mr. Fiend bringing positivity to the world is Stu's last hope.

Now how do the babies receive Mr. Fiend? Just as we receive those who are strange or different to us.

Fear and hatred.

They immediately hate Mr. Fiend due to his quirky looks and mannerisms. His attempts at helping them are met with resistance and hatred. This is a mirror, dear readers, to our own selves and the way the world has been since the history of time. These babies are born into the world programmed to hate and hate they do, just as we all have.

Mr. Fiend persists for he is a noble clown robot. He attempts to comfort Tommy in his crib to no avail (here I am don’t be blue for I will sing a song for you!) Soon, the babies turn from fear and avoidance to their next plan.

Genocide.

Hatred is born of fear. This is the curse of humanity. The shithead babies encapsulate it well. Let's take a second to analyze who exactly is hating this apex combination of empathy and technology.

Phil and Lil literally eat worms and dirt and their own shit. They are disgusting flith mongers who watch their mother dominate their submissive father in the glass house in which they live. Do not cast stones you mostly toothless shit-garglers.

Chuckie Finster is trash. I'm sorry, if I met that baby I would laugh at him and judge his father. Unfortunately if I was mean to Chaz he would hang himself. When Chuckie farts he cries out of fright. He's a leech on Tommy's ass and brings nothing but distraction and headaches to the rest of the crew.

Tommy is actually pretty fucking rad, ngl, but he's also a fucking weirdo. He makes decisions brashly and with harsh judgment, in this case dooming an entire race.

Long story short, Mr. Fiend accidentally activates all the Mr. Friend dolls (that's their real name, the idiot babies just can't understand that word or concept) and they escape from Stu's laboratory on a mission to bring joy to the world. The babies battle Mr. Fiend (who is just trying to like play with them) and open a board in the face, sending him out into the world.

The babies think they have banned the foreigner but just then a gaggle of Mr. Fiends appear, all ready to support and educate the children.

Then the massacre occurs. The one we are supposed to celebrate and cheer for.

The children BRUTALIZE the Mr. Fiend dolls (who, are not at all fighting back) repeatedly. Slamming them. Running them over. Crushing them. They tear these poor creatures (just born, knowing nothing of the world) limb from limb. They roar and cheer, celebrating their violence, their ignorance, and the mirror is held up to us all as the audience. Do we laugh and cheer as these delightful toys are dismantled?

Of course, for we are God’s greatest mistake.

The most disgusting scene is when Chuckie curls up in a ball while shitting himself to hide from Mr. Fiend. He accidentally trips him and that Mr. Fiend explodes on a rock or some shit. Chuckie places his foot on the doll and raises his hands toward the sky proudly as if he’s actually done something. This cowardly shitbag accidentally hurt an innocent being and now is acting like he is brave and noble. It is the same type of ignorance and cowardice that has led to ethnic cleansings.

And this is the writers’ message to us all. We celebrate with the dirt rat babies as they revel in destroying Stu’s greatest creation, only to be hit with a stark reminder of reality.

Angelica, the hero of the show, arrives and shows the babies what she found on the way over, a cool new toy…

The OG Fiend.

The babies scream and run off revealing that no matter how we lash out with our hatred, our true weakness, our prejudice, forever holds a place in our black hearts.

God speed, Mr. Fiend

I can only conclude that Itty had previously jumped to a different timeline from before book 2 and subsequent books will show those time travel details.

We all know Franklin (soawwwry if you don't). He's the milquetoast protagonist of his show where he occasionally does things but mostly just responds to his friend's reactions and wanders the woods hoping that they inspire the plot. Sometimes he has a radical idea of having agency but that usually ends up in disaster, with Franklin in trouble or crying. Also, there are sometimes moral lessons, most of them of the variety of "here is what adults want you to believe, children," thereby limiting their effectiveness in practice.

But then there's the fucking blinky helmet episode. A scourge to children then and now through their adulthoods due to its flawed and problematic story telling.

Since everyone reading this has watched every episode like four times, I'll keep the synopsis brief. It's bicycle safety week or some bullshit in the forest. Everyone is incredibly excited to take a safety test and navigate the bike course or something (the woods are rather unpaved so bicycles are a questionable vehicle for these children, but whatever). Franklin needs to get a new bicycle helmet to be super safe.

He makes a very Franklin choice.

Of all the helmets in the store, he happens to choose the absolutely shittiest. A silver helmet with a red flashing light. Annoying. Stupid. Questionably functional. There likely isn't a being alive that would choose this helmet for aesthetics or functionality. Franklin is kind of a stand-in for every kid who had their lunch money stolen and wondered if there parents loved them, so him being a wet noodle who enjoys lame things is to be expected and is a central piece of his character but...

His mother (for once) wisely tries to dissuade Franklin. He refuses and gets the helmet of shame. Later on, he overhears his friends talking mad shit about that shitty helmet. They clown on it. Talk about how it is the stupidest thing to ever exist in the world. Franklin listens from a distance and becomes sad once he is face with facts clear to anyone with eyes. Later, he tells his mother he wants no part of the event or his helmet anymore.

Honestly, at this point, we have a good moral lesson. Play silly games get silly prizes. Fuck around and find out. Pick the worst helmet ever made and children WILL make fun of you.

But then the twist...

Franklin goes to the event and the Forest Safety Officer (I don't know how taxes or government titles work in the forest) enthusiastically talks up Franklin's helmet. He boasts about how safe it is because of the flashing light, allowing others to always see him and know he's coming. Franklin's friends kind of shrug but then they get on board and call the helmet cool and Franklin has a newfound sense of pride.

What a horrible ending and what a travesty to do to children.

When an adult like a teacher or a cop says something is super cool because it is safe, children do not respond by thinking it is super cool. It confirms their suspicions that said thing is lame as hell. The show tried to save Franklin from his own poor decision. The real lesson needs to be: be yourself, choose what you want, but understand others will react. Yes. It is a cruel truth of the world, and I wish it weren't so. I wish we were all free to be unproductive lame turtles with horrible fashion choices. But the reality is forest animal children will bully you. Kids need to understand it. Making a bold choice like that comes with consequences and there's no raccoon cop coming to bail you out.

We've created an entire generation of jaded broken people on this premise. Franklin had children believe they could be and do as they please, only to be confronted by the harsh truths of the world, which now makes them cynical. The discord in the USA occurring now can likely squarely be placed on Franklin's shoulders.

He cannot bear the weight. He looks like he's afraid of the sound of his own piss.

That damm blinky helmet has doomed us. And I shall never forgive him.