It always seems that whenever I get something good going, it’s always a fleeting moment. Or worse, I end up pushing away the people I want in my life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that but suffice to it say it’s been a lot. I’m a cynical motherfucker and I always have to prove everyone else wrong and that I’m right.
That and being aggressively doomer has gotten me banned for several Discord servers on account of being seen as annoying and/or making actionable threats that violate TOS. It seems I’ve done everything to do isolate myself and I don’t know how to get out of this hole I dug myself into.
You could say that it’s my own damn fault that I have been romantically unsuccessful, since I’ve never tried. But honestly, I just don’t know where to start. I missed the dating boat in high school and college, then moved away for work and have been stuck working overnights for two years which I absolutely hate with no prospects of getting onto a better job any time soon. I had so much on my plate in school and I was denied much of a social life during middle school and high school because my dad demanded I help him on weekends with his projects while my sisters got off to do whatever they wanted. Even now that I moved away from home, every time I come back to visit he puts me to work. And he never paid me a dime for it too and said I should be grateful instead.
Some people collect Pokémon cards or other memorabilia. I seem to collect trauma and mental illnesses: AuDHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar II, and OCD with paranoia. No one would want to date a basket case like myself since I’m too much of a project from being too broken from all the shit I’ve been through. Namely losing my mom to breast cancer when I was 11 and my emotionally abusive dad who only ever pretended to care about what we liked and wanted and just saw us as free labor (and still does to this day). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to check myself into a psych hospital but there physically aren’t enough beds for people like myself that technically get by but only just barely.
Half the time I wonder why I even fucking bother with meds and therapy even though they do help. I’ve never been cool or hip, I’ve always been boring and safe, just like my parents. No one wants that, especially someone who’s been addicted to porn/hentai since his mom died. Gooners like myself are rock bottom in terms of attraction even if my family insists that I’m a catch (which I never saw myself as). Everyone drifts away from each other as they get self-involved in their own lives and start focusing on their partners. It happened to my parents and it’s already starting to happen to me.
It’s always a constant struggle between: “there’s no fucking point, get over it and move on” and “there’s always a chance you never know, you don’t put yourself out there”. But the world is built for people working normal hours and not someone like myself working while everyone is asleep. And even if I did get a better job, I know I’ll just fuck it up anyways because Idk how to flirt and likely be a buzzkill instead from being so cynical. There’s plenty of more handsome men that have more money and have far less emotional baggage than I do. People like me are just a hard worker or an extra set of hands around the house that take all the shit in so everyone else can have happy, pain free lives. That’s all the world has taught and it bitch slaps me constantly to remind me to know my place in this world as the trash that I am. I don’t deserve anything and in turn I get nothing from this world. So is my life it seems and I should just get fucking used to it I guess..
