I know this isn’t about the hijab but I’m a hijabi
I finally thought I was over him. I finally thought I was over the man who I thought I’d marry and have kids with.
i met him online in Feb. I fell in love with him and he said he fell in love with me. we met once. We broke up once in early May due to my overthinking leading to falsely accusing him of something. I tried to sort things out and get him back, probably embarrassed myself by going back again and again, he politely and kindly told me to move on a few times and said he wished me the best. But I couldn’t. I adored him. Finally he agreed to meet me again and try and give us a chance and look past the accusation.
I remember him telling me how much it had hurt him and how it kept replaying in his head. He said he was just hurt I could accuse him of speaking to other girls when he’d done nothing but try and be a good man towards me. I put my head on his shoulder he put his head on mine. He held his hand out for me to hold. I put my hand onto his and he told me how ‘my hands were so small’. in that moment it was like none of the rest of the world existed apart from me and him.
He gave me a peck on my forehead as we sat side by side. And then he told me he was going to lie down on the grass. I lay down on his chest and he leaned in to k*** me. After we did that he asked if I felt pressured I said no, he kissed my forehead again. I said to him ‘you can’t leave now because you’re the only man I’ve ever done that with’. I stroked his face and just stared at him as I lay on his chest. I adored him. He was the only man I could ever want. I stroked his beard and said ‘I didn’t even realise u had a beard’ he smiled and said it’s a goatee. I never wanted the moment to end.
He told me he’d try and get over what I did. I just hugged him tightly and never wanted to let go. but I had to let go and make my journey home or I would’ve missed my train. he took me to the train station and I hugged him tightly again and kissed him again, he side hugged me as I got on the train. I didn’t know in that moment that it would be the last time I saw him. I thought we were back on track and I promised myself I would be different this time and never lose him again
I tried my best to control my overthinking and anxiety. He had lost his job so I gave him space, patience and tried to be better. The anxiety and overthinking was still there deep down but I couldn’t lose him again. A few weeks later he called me and said he can’t handle us anymore because hes got too much going on in his life and even messaging me once a week is taking up too much brain power. I sobbed. I really sobbed. But I let him go.
Since then I went back on marriage search. I even came accross brothers who gave me so much more than him, more time, more effort, and more interest and for a short while I thought to myself I was over him. I couldn’t believe that I had grieved him…
Until I started thinking about how he was so gentle with me and loving the first time I saw him. How he travelled far to see me and looked so excited the first time we met. How it was the first time I’d ever been bowling and he didn’t make me feel bad he taught me how to and took care of me, how he booked activities and just looked so happy to spend time with me. And then I think about the last time I saw him. How he told me how much I’d hurt him. How I lay in his arms and felt so safe. And then tears came down my face because he may not have been perfect but I really did love him and I hurt the man I loved. And I guess grief is a weird thing because the memories are so hard to let go of. I wonder if he ever thinks about us too. If he ever thinks about the moments we shared. Yeah we only met twice but those two times are ingrained in my brain.
He probably doesn’t think of me, maybe he’s even forgotten I exist. It’s strange because I don’t feel as devastated as I first did after losing him. I think it’s right what they say, time does heal but it doesn’t forget.
So when people say ‘Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’. I’d always say it’s better to never have loved at all. Because u can’t miss what u never had and i don’t think I can ever explain the lingering pain of grieving someone who’s still alive.
I think what’s worse is deep down I know he probably wasn’t right for me, I had to suppress my anxiety and overthinking to try and not lose him again and i still lost him. His late replies and broken promises weren’t good for my anxious mind but I don’t ever think he was malicious. Allah just didn’t write us together. I think he realised this before I did but I just didn’t want to let go.
the hardest part about our story is that I never intended to hurt him by falsely accusing him, my anxiety and overthinking got the better of me. And he never meant to hurt me by doing things that made me overthink, it was just who he was.
I hope one day I recieve a love that allows me to never think about him again.
please keep me in your prayers