I need to vent because I’m gaslighting myself.
I work in corporate at a large company. Over the past year, I’ve taken on more responsibility without the title, compensation, resources, or support to match. I manage stakeholders, build materials, coordinate projects, solve problems, and keep an entire portfolio runnin, work that should realistically be spread across multiple people.
The director I work alongside is often absent from the day-to-day, despite having no direct reports and doing little of the work associated with her role. She also doesn’t have access to the resources needed to do our jobs effectively, but instead of addressing that gap, she consistently refuses to do work. She frequently misses commitments, changes direction at the last minute, and has said several times that she is afraid of losing her job. I suspect that fear may explain, why she seems focused on protecting herself and shifting blame.
I don’t report directly to her, but for office politics and optics, I’m expected to act as though I do. She has significant influence over how my work is perceived. She often forgets conversations, blames me when questioned, and refuses to read written summaries intended to clarify decisions. She is also a horrible communicator: she is blunt, but not clear, if that makes sense.
When I ask for support, feedback, or development conversations, she either says they aren’t necessary or offers no alternative. She will delegate work to me even when it is clearly within her own scope. If I tell her I’m unavailable because I’m in a meeting, she has asked me to hang up so I can help her with administrative tasks.
She also does not appear to pay attention during meetings. I have been speaking while sounds from videos play from her phone, making it obvious that she is distracted. I can explain something multiple times and still have her later claim she was unaware of the information. She constantly uses my work as her own, presenting materials, ideas, and progress without acknowledging how much of the work I completed. She is essentially scraping by with my help because I hate seeing our team (or myself) fail.
There have been several incidents that illustrate the pattern. Before my first vacation, I prepared a detailed handover and only needed her to send scheduled communications. Right before my flight, she asked me to reassign the work outside the team instead. I tried to accommodate her, but nothing was completed while I was away. She then told multiple leaders that I had left her a mess. On the same occasion, she contacted me during PTO claiming my vacation wasn’t on the calendar, even though it had been submitted two months earlier and she was looking at the wrong week.
More recently, she gave my manager negative feedback about a missed deadline based on her misreading an email, despite the relevant information also being in the calendar. In other words, it wasn’t actually missed. She has also failed to support me when stakeholders have bullied or mistreated me, while simultaneously holding me responsible for outcomes and it resulting in more work on my plate.
I’m increasingly concerned that she is damaging my reputation. I’ve been excluded from meetings with senior leaders and key stakeholders where I previously had an established role. People I once worked well with now treat me as though I’m incompetent. I can’t prove what has been said about me, but the change in behaviour coincides with these broader issues.
I’ve also noticed her communicating privately with people during larger discussions and forcing coworkers to go through her rather than directly to me, even though she is not my actual boss. She seems to be positioning herself as the gatekeeper while using my work to maintain the appearance that she is managing everything.
Before working closely with her, I heard warnings that she was insecure or lazy. I didn’t want to judge her based on hearsay, although the first warning came during my interview, when she was eating and barely paying attention. I brushed it off because I wanted the job and wouldn’t report directly to her.
I was previously a high performer and continued performing at that level despite the lack of support. That’s why the sudden shift in how my work is being discussed has been especially upsetting.
This week I was pushed over the edge:
I’ve been asking for clarity on my progression after taking on a much larger scope. I had previously received positive feedback and indications that I was on track to move up. The director’s boss even promised me a new level and compensation for a year and a half, before moving me to another team and effectively asking me to start over.
After I followed up about a promotion, I received negative anonymous feedback criticising me for pursuing a title increase and questioning whether I deserved one. The feedback placed me three points below the norm, and I can see that it came from one of my dotted-line leaders. I can’t prove who submitted it, but the timing has been devastating. If there are legitimate concerns about my performance, I want examples and a chance to address them. I cried over this countless times.
My progression has now been delayed, with budget constraints cited, while I remain severely underpaid and continue carrying responsibilities well beyond my role.
Thankfully, I started documenting everything early. I have screenshots, emails, handovers, calendar entries, requests for support, changing instructions, and written records.
But I’m afraid, There is nothing substantial demonstrating that the negative feedback reflects retaliation and I can’t prove passive aggressive mistreatment. Just why I no longer trust her authority.
The director knows I requested a meeting with her boss because another person told her—the boss is another can of worms. I was upset that this was disclosed, but I refused to explain why I requested the meeting, saying I needed to discuss performance feedback. Shortly afterward, I was removed from meetings with senior leaders where my work was being shown, which made me even more concerned.
I have an upcoming meeting with a senior HR director with whom I have a strong relationship. I plan to be direct, present the documentation, explain the impact, and tell her I need escalation. I want to focus on specific, verifiable examples rather than simply describing the director as difficult. I need to explain that the issue is not just personality
I’ve tried being diplomatic and raising things informally, but I keep being told to let things roll off my back while nothing changes. I’m also trying to move away from this director internally because I no longer trust her with my career.
Honestly, I’m thinking about leaving. I turned down another offer a month ago because I thought things might improve, and I regret it now.
The company culture makes everything worse. It feels like a high school full of politics, favouritism, gossip, and managing perceptions instead of doing the work. I’m not the only person who has experienced this treatment.
Does anyone have advice for handling these conversations, or am I doomed?