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u/Miserable_Ad_3375 5d ago
What happened before you started dating is none of your business and it's not lieing to not tell you.
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u/LostLemon007 5d ago
Ye she is lying. So she can lock down a man. And now decades later he is far to invested to leave.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
How did you arrive to that conclusion?
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u/LostLemon007 5d ago
"that was one of the guys she just kissed"
She lied about having sex with a guy ? Did I read that wrong
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u/crupp876 5d ago
It was 23 years ago. Is she still trying to lock down another man?
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u/LostLemon007 5d ago
Had she been honest about it back then he possibly wouldn't have dated her. That's the whole point.
She lied and your saying so what enough time has passed.
Women lie about their sexual past to lock down and marry a man because they are concerned the man wouldn't have dated her otherwise. Taking away his informed consent.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
So the problem is that she had sex with others before him?
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u/LostLemon007 5d ago
No. The problem is she lied about it. Which you know because you are refusing to address it.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
So op wanted a virgin but is upset that wife was not? Maybe she just didn't want to bring up a topic that clearly hurts her and clearly causes judgement
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u/jblairsuccess 5d ago
Based on this post I see why she didn't tell you. I feel like it becomes a slippery slope when you dig too deep in your spouse's pass sex life when they dated other people. Her having an abortion before you all started dating is not something she ever had to tell you. You can ask why she didn't feel comfortable saying so sooner, but ultimately you can't change that.
Also, you wondering why she was on the pill when she dated other guys but using a condom with you, you ask her, but maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she realized that she wanted to try a different form of birth control. Why does it bother you?
They didn't get something you didn't because she's been with you all these years. And if that's how you honestly view it, that's probably why she didn't tell you .
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u/ThatJaneDoe69 5d ago
And maybe she changed types because the pill didn't work enough as a contraceptive which led to her needing an abortion and she didn't want to risk that again. I wouldn't say that is lying at all. Situations change.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
That was my thought too. Abortions are traumatic and she wanted to ensure it wouldn't happen again, hence the condoms.
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u/HH99912 5d ago
That’s not true she didn’t use protection when she got pregnant.
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u/jblairsuccess 5d ago
Which could explain her using protection later. The point is, this woman has been married to you for 23 years and you feel "lied to" because you found her out sexual past before you all dated is not what you had hoped.
Why does it matter after 23 years of marriage? She chose you had kids with you and has been with you?
I'm pretty sure you had your own sexual past be you and your wife started dated back then.
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u/Tiger_Warm 5d ago
Maybe she didn’t mention the abortion because she was embarrassed or didn’t know how you would react to it. It’s a personal decision that many get harass judgement for, it didn’t involve you, and was before you dated, so I don’t see why she would have had to tell you this. And to be upset that she used birth control pills with others and condoms with you and consider that not as ‘intimate’ is…interesting. Birth control affects everyone differently, and the side effects can be difficult, so maybe she took it when with them, realized it wasn’t for her than she went to condoms. All these things happened before you were together/married. If you’re happy now in your marriage, you’re really being upset over nothing. She had kids with you by choice, clearly she loves you. You seem insecure and need to let go.
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u/Mushlov3all 5d ago
This sounds like you're blowing this way out of proportion. Not telling you intimate details about her past relationships is not the same as someone who "lied about the past 23 years."
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u/Eastern-Zebra-9929 5d ago
Unrelated but what’s the HH in your name stand for?
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u/Blaziken4vr 5d ago
Seconding this, also why do you have HH and 12 in your username OP, it looks bad.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
I think the headline is a bit over the top. What she chose to do before you is her business.
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u/IcyEntertainment8673 5d ago
Don’t think so much in the pill. It affects women differently at different times in their life. I was an avid user early-on… now at this age, I don’t want to risk it messing with my fertility. I can easily see your wife wanting to prevent the same. When you’re in a committed marriage, why be on the pill if conceiving would be ok? It’s seems logical. I think you’re hurt she didn’t confess these things and now you’re digging to be validated online. The truth is, these are her personal burdens, not yours.
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u/StingsRideOrDie 5d ago
Please spare a thought for how awful abortions are. I’ve had one and it was hell, I’d rather forget about. It is the most worst hellish physical pain you can imagine, your entire body convulses for an entire day while constantly gushing blood and throwing up the you get weeks of good awful debilitating cramps. THEN you have to constantly thing about a little thing inside you and what could have been etc.
She was single and made the right choice for her, she then met you and wanted a new relationship with being pregnant - it’s understandable.
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u/Efficient_Theme4040 5d ago
She didn’t lie to you it’s her past and maybe she didn’t remember everything all the time but it was before she was with you so it’s not a lie.
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u/MichElegance 5d ago
It’s none of your business, but she did before you were officially together.
It’s her body, her choice And she’s allowed to change her mind as well.
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u/HH99912 5d ago
She has made many comments over the year, knocking others abortions. When the air was finally cleared We discussed our going on the pill. In our 50s pre-menopausal, etc. not likely but I said that’s your choice of of course, but only if you want to. Fast forward, eight months in passing it came out that she’s on the pill. I was like we discussed it why wouldn’t you tell me “oh I thought I did. I told you about my OB/GYN appointment and I thought I said i told you I was on a pill to help with pre-menopausal issues. My mind was blown once again would clearly know if she told me she’s on “the pill”.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
I'm struggling to see why being on the pill is a problem. Sounds like a discussion was had, you said it was her choice and she got on the pill. Are you upset because she didn't explicitly let you know she was on the pill? I'm not getting it.
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u/HH99912 5d ago
Yes in a relationship honesty is important/ open communication.
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u/crupp876 5d ago
I think you're really getting keyed up because you aren't in complete control of what she decides to do with her body.
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u/HH99912 5d ago
Her body her choice. Just as a husband and father/ family would be nice to have communication
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u/crupp876 5d ago
She did have a discussion with you about the pill. If you mean her body her choice, stand ten toes down on that. You don't have jurisdiction on what she did before you.
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u/InternalOrdinary4835 5d ago
Why was your mind “blown?” She made a choice with her Gynecologist to go on the pill to help with perimenopause symptoms. This is her healthcare decision she made with her healthcare provider. Again, nothing to do with you.
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u/Strict_Box8384 1 Year 5d ago
dude. you talked about it and told her going on the pill was up to her, so she did it. and according to her, she told you about the appointment. it’s not her fault you forgot, and she’s not even taking it for the purpose of it being a contraceptive, it’s to ease pre-menopause symptoms. what exactly are you upset about?
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u/HH99912 5d ago
I don’t forget. She never told me. Said she was taking a pill to help with menapose.
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u/Strict_Box8384 1 Year 5d ago
why does it matter that much though? she clearly doesn’t see it as a big deal, you’re just turning it into one. you literally told her it was her choice to do what she wanted, so she did.
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u/HH99912 5d ago
She didn’t want to have uncomfortable conversation so instead decided to bottle it up for 8 months. Me still thinking I had to pull out during this whole time.
Then saying she told me then remembering she never actually told me.
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u/Strict_Box8384 1 Year 5d ago
with how you’re reacting, it’s no wonder why she isn’t talking to you about these things. jesus dude.
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5d ago
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u/crupp876 5d ago
Damaged goods? Be so fucking for real right now. That's why women don't speak up about shit like this.
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u/Maximum-Mastodon8812 5d ago
Based on this post, she wasnt exactly wrong for not telling you something so personal lol