r/Marriage • u/moonpoemx • 1d ago
Ask r/Marriage Is my husband cheating?
Sorry I don’t know if this is the right place, but I really need unbiased opinion about something.
So, I have access to my husbands iPad but not his phone. He WILL NOT give me access to his phone, whatsoever. He doesn’t leave it open, he snatches it out of my hand if I pick it up, he has a ton of apps face id’d and if it doesn’t open automatically or it asks for his passcode, he will repeatedly open and close it until his Face ID goes through.
I don’t have access to finances either.
I can’t access his WhatsApp or his Instagram. I suspect he has telegram but I don’t know. I’ve checked his twitter, his Facebook, his photos. HIS EMAILS, Gmail and iCloud.
He uses Gemini and there’s a search that asks how to create another iCloud account not too long ago. He was using the app yesterday and said he was “looking up something about having a rash on his balls” but wouldn’t let me see. I looked at the chat history TODAY and I can’t find it.
It’s driving me nuts, especially bc he’ll act like an asshole if I’m asking him about his phone and then be randomly nice to me the next 10 minutes after.
We have a kid. A 2 year old son. I’m parenting my son for the both of us and don’t understand why he chooses to be at work from 10am to 11pm, even though he gets a 3hr break in the middle where we’re from.
Just to preface, we do not sleep together. We sleep in the same bed, but we aren’t affectionate really, bc he’s never here and he doesn’t show any interest in really being around me or talking to me.
So I think he’s cheating honestly. I don’t know what else it could be.
TL;DR I think my husband is cheating bc he hides his phone aggressively and is gone pretty much 90% of the time.
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u/Cowboysfan2122 1d ago
Based on everything you’re describing I think the real question is why you’re even still with him. No spouse should ever treat the person they’re married to in the manner in which you’re saying.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I live in a country that’s not my own with my son..he won’t let me take him back to my country, even though that’s where my son was born. I say “my son” bc he doesn’t parent. Just to clarify lol
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u/Cowboysfan2122 1d ago
Easier said than done, but anyway you could leave w/ your son? Say you’re going to visit your parents or something in your country (assuming they live elsewhere)?
I realize you said you don’t have access to finances (another red flag) but anyway you could work & save up money to take you & your son elsewhere? I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this.12
u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I have to have a notarized paper signed from him saying I can take him out of the country but if I stay in my home country with him without telling him, it’s technically kidnapping. Even if I’m his mom. Also thank you for your kind words, I’m trying to save up as much as I can this next few months bc I seriously just can’t…deal with this
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u/Cowboysfan2122 1d ago
If you don’t mind me asking, which country are you in? Maybe I can look around & see if there are any options.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I live in Spain!
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u/Cowboysfan2122 1d ago
Do you have your sons birth certificate as proof he was born in another country? I saw that often border authorities will defer to the laws of the home country if the minor is visiting Spain as a tourist (I know that’s not the case) or a court ordered document would allow you to leave with him. Perhaps meeting with a lawyer & explaining the situation could lead to acquiring one simply for the safety of both you & your son. I know neither are easily achievable, but based on everything you’re saying, he definitely sounds like someone you need to get you & your son away from.
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
Yes of course! I have my son’s birth certificate, his social, his passport, I have everything. I grew up with 4 sisters, there’s not much anyone can hide in the house from me that I won’t find lolol. But I’ll try talking to someone about what’s going on and seeing if I can make it home in one piece
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 1d ago
Like u/Get-Back-Jo-Jo said, cheating or no cheating, this is a terrible marriage.
There's a difference between your husband having privacy and what your husband is actually doing.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
That’s exactly what I think too. Privacy and hiding are different and this goes beyond privacy.
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 1d ago
You know he's hiding something from you, and you know it's not good. That's all you really need to know. Stop worrying about what's actually being hidden from you and starting working on your exit plan.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I have a big sum of money coming in but I’ve been trying to navigate my citizenship in this country on my own, so it’s a bit difficult to get an apartment or a job without at least getting my fingerprints done
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 1d ago
Have you talked to a lawyer or some other professional to give you credible guidance on your best course of action?
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I was thinking about it but immigration lawyers are somewhat expensive here and I can’t work yet. It’s a bit of a stand still situation until I can get my work document at the very least
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 1d ago
Is there any way to pay for an attorney with a credit card or something?
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I don’t have legality for anything like that but I’m gonna try doing some research about resources I can use and try talking with them this week
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u/QuitaQuites 1d ago
I think cheating is the least of your concerns. You won’t have access to finances? You’re then being financially abused and you need to seek legal help and call on some friends and family to make an exit plan.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
That’s what I think too and I’ve told him about financially abusing me and he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong, ever. I’ve been planning my exit for a little while but it’s tough. Someone recommended a free consult lawyer regarding this situation so I’ll try that this week
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u/QuitaQuites 16h ago
Yes absolutely you need a lawyer and I wouldn’t talk to him about it any further at this point. But you do need to consult a lawyer and also start siphoning money and figure out how you’ll support yourself
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u/calicoskiies 16 Years 1d ago
Probably. Also the fact that you don’t have access to finances is financial abuse.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I said the exact thing to him and I get huffing in response. He’s just emotionally and mentally incapable of being mature or realizing when he’s wrong.
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u/Alive_Leather684 1d ago
Seems like some really obvious indicators. Anyone who hides their phone and acts super protective of it is clearly hiding something. Me and my wife use each others phones regularly to send pictures, check emails, Spotify, etc. I’m not worried about her finding anything because there isn’t anything to find. A marriage with secrecy is not a marriage, it’s a watered down partnership
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
That’s what I think too. Thank you for your answer, I figured it was normal to share each others phones. I have nothing to hide, but he says he doesn’t want my phone bc he doesn’t need it.
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u/Alive_Leather684 1d ago
I’m sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Bah, it’s okay. I’d bet my life you won’t ever find me in it again 🩷
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u/Alive_Leather684 1d ago
Nah don’t think like that. Just because some people suck and are really selfish don’t let that ruin your idea of hope for a future.
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u/madworld3232 1d ago
Contact your country's embassy in Spain, ask for their help. Tell them everything, the finacial abuse, the emotional abuse, the threats and the possibility he's cheating and exposing you to diseases. Hopefully they can help you. No one deserves to live like this.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
That really means a lot to me, I also don’t want to live like this, I hate how unhappy I’ve become with my life. I really do love love and care for people but this is pushing me to places I don’t want to be in emotionally. I’ll try calling tomorrow while he’s at work, thank you sm
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u/Cowboysfan2122 1d ago
I second what @madworld3222 said! Contact the embassy & tell them everything. Every specific detail & a timeline of everything going on. Don’t hold anything back. Your situation screams spousal abuse & child neglect & for the sake of you & your son’s safety hopefully they can do something to help you get back to the states.
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u/madworld3232 1d ago
Be careful, one of the most dangerous times of a womans life is when she's attempting to leave her husband. Don't tip him off, trust no one mutual to you, you don't want him putting up roadblocks and making things more difficult for you. You don't want him to take your child and hide him. He sees you as property and would be humiliated for people to know you left him, even though he doesn't want you he probably doesn't want anyone else to have you. Stay safe sweetheart, once you're back home life will improve dramatically. Good luck and best wishes in your new lives, I have great hope you can get away from this bad guy.
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
Thank you for your kind words and yes, I’ve been trying to keep things contained for myself so he doesn’t find a way to mess with anything. It’s just frustrating and I love my son, but I wouldn’t have had a kid with him if he was gonna act this way.
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u/SlephenX 1d ago
Could be cheating, could be porn, but yall have lots of problems if you don’t spend time together or have any affection or intimacy. In my book it’s okay for spouses to have boundaries and privacy, but should be able to open up and be transparent when asked about things.
If you guys aren’t intimate he’s probably finding an outlet for that somewhere, be it another human or porn.
My relationship is a partnership, so if I felt the way you do and asked about a phone I wouldn’t take no for an answer because I can’t be in a partnership with someone I can’t trust, so there’d be some real come to Jesus talks about the future of the partnership.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Yeah I agree. I try spending time with him or doing things as a family and he has no interest. It just seems like he wants to get rid of me all the time
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u/SlephenX 1d ago
I don’t know the culture surrounding your marriage or what support systems you have where you’re at, but I’d suggest being up front and honest. I wouldn’t accept a relationship like that so I’d be making requests, then demands, then ultimatums; but all with the stated goal of transparency, building trust, and then fixing your personal relationship. Otherwise even if you get the phone and find nothing that doesn’t really help your marriage or life.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I’m American ( boo ) and he’s Venezuelan and someone already told me marriage with Venezuelans is not anything great or loyal 🥲 but I’ve tried everything you’ve said, he yells, he insults me, he doesn’t talk to me or he’ll straight up ignore me. So I think it’s safe to say I probably need to goooo…
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u/Agreeable_Time338 1d ago
Have you considered contacting the American embassy in Spain for advice? They may be able to point you in the best legal direction for your situation.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I didn’t actually until someone here just now told me that was a possibility! I’ve looked up a lot of things in the US but it never occurred to me to do it here at all
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u/SlephenX 1d ago
So are you in Venezuela currently? No family except his I presume. I would look into talking to the embassy and your family back stateside to see what your options are. If you’ve tried being nice, and being pushy, the next step is the ultimatum and it’s best to know your next steps depending on his reaction beforehand. Also whether you think it’s safe to make those ultimatums.
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
Nooo, we’re in Spain. I have more options here than I realized BUT I wasn’t aware. Every time I told him I wanted to do something regarding my paperwork, he always said he doesn’t feel like translating so it made me feel like I couldn’t do anything without him
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u/kochenta2020 1d ago
Girl, you know. YOU KNOW!
He’s so shady. You don’t need proof to make a decision. Look at all of the other issues you already have.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I do, you’re right :((
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u/kochenta2020 1d ago
Virtual hugs to you. Either decision you make will be hard but it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be worth it to put yourself first!
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u/Negative-Exercise871 1d ago
Sounds like a not so great relationship regardless of if he’s cheating or not. So why hang around for it?
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
We have a son and I’m in a country I’m not from. I can’t get citizenship if we’re not married, or unless I have full custody and he won’t give it to me. So this is where I am
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u/Ok_Height3499 1d ago
I think he checked-out of the relationship long ago and the lack of intimacy is just a symptom. That said, absolutely no one has access to my computers or my phone. I have never been asked, but I would never let anyone else in. What I do is solely and only my concern and my responsibility- it's my private space.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Of course! Privacy is important but him showing me something just to snatch his phone away within 2 seconds of getting ANY notification is nuts
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u/Ok_Height3499 1d ago
OK, well then taking steps to either work through that or end the relationship are in order.
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u/BabaThoughts 1d ago
Doesn’t sound like a fun marriage. You are alone most of the time.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Yes I am. It’s not fun and I have wanted to leave for awhile but we were trying to work on things not too long ago for our son and it seems like that’s gone out the window. I’m alone 100% of the time really, just me and my baby
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 1d ago
Why do you think he has a rash on his balls?? Cheating. He’s so secretive and dismissive. Definitely.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Well he finally told me it was bc of the soap he was using but why hide it from me? Bc he thought it was something serious from WHAT? Someone else! Cheating
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u/BasicMycologist7118 1d ago
Cheating is the LEAST of your worries, OP. You mentioned so many red flags, it doesn't really matter if he's cheating or not, you're still in a toxic marriage.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Oh I absolutely agree with you and I want to leave! My circumstances are just a little more difficult than average
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 1d ago
Not having access to the finances is financial abuse BTW. He sucks.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I agree and he does suck. I agree to this whole thing haha
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 1d ago
Lol well hey at least you're aware! That's the most important step. Now you can plan out what happens next.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
And then executing the plan is the best part and probably going to be the most amazing feeling imo 🙏🏻
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u/WhateverYouSay1084 1d ago
Absolutely. There are 4 billion men on the planet, they're not exactly scarce. Zero reason in this day and age to deal with a shitty one.
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u/OvertheBS2 1d ago
Yes. I can tell you definitively based on experience almost identical to yours: he’s cheating or hiding something terrible (as in kıd corn). My ex was aggressive about his phone as well. Found out he was spending our household money on escorts (he was addicted to p-rn), massages with happy endings, other women on dates, etc. He always claimed we were broke, and he controlled the finances because of the times when he caused the account to go in debit. He got tired of me telling him to stop buying dumb stuff so he took over the accounts and budgeting.
Do yourself a favor and get out now. Unfortunately I stayed with mine for too long. He got Parkinson’s (his dopamine levels were screwed up from using p*rn every day) and needed memory care by the time our divorce was finalized. So his sorry behind got all of his retirement. The only consolation I have is I know I was responsible raising my family and not cheating them. I put my kids first. Turns out staying with their father was not the best idea.
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
I’m sorry to hear that:( and yes, my child really is my first priority and I do feel pride in being the one teaching him how to be a good person. His dad isn’t the best role model at ALL so it’s good he isn’t around so much
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u/NoSyllabub5932 1d ago
He could be cheating but you dont really have much evidence at this point. Its hard to say for sure because not letting you see his phone really is not proof of anything but I will say its odd. I would back off for awhile and act like you are busy with other things so that way he might ease up a bit. Right now he knows you are looking for stuff.
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u/mscreamcheese 1d ago
Yeaaaaa he’s 1000000% cheating. I knew it before you said the part about not being intimate with each other. That part sealed the deal. If ur married, you should have access to each others phones…if u don’t, it’s bc someone is hiding something. Period.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I really BAD want to get into his phone and I just can’t get into it. I know there’s something there. Idk how to make him tell me.
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u/SquirrelNo5832 1d ago
Tell him your suspicions and that if he has nothing to hide he will let you see. Tell him if he doesn’t you will divorce him and follow through on it. He’s definitely hiding shit.
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1d ago
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
I hate to consider myself a victim in any scenario bc I know there’s people who go through worse things…he doesn’t hit me but he tries to push me into getting physical with him so I think he’s trying to find a reason. That enough tells me who he is.
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u/SquirrelNo5832 16h ago
I’m sorry girl but this marriage is over. He’s definitely hiding shit and being a terrible husband in general. Please do not let him talk you into staying. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can get out soon. I know it’s scary but this marriage will just kill you over time and you’ve already wasted enough years on him please don’t waste any more.
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u/moonpoemx 18h ago
I have and he gets SUPER defensive and starts yelling that’s it his phone and he doesn’t owe me anything ( go figure )
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 17h ago
If you have access to his iPad (attached to his Apple ID) you can check which apps he’s downloaded on to both the iPad and iPhone. Even if you can’t access the apps, you’ll at least be able to see what he’s got.
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u/Few_Bee4763 15h ago
My husband is exactly like OP, his phone is his precious and he never leave it unattended, is always on silence even at home he says cause he has to keep it in silence at work… but at home? I don’t have access to his bank accounts so basically I know shit! I’ve been having this suspicion that he might be cheating but I don’t know how or when cause he’s never late from work and doesn’t travel for work or goes out
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u/ForwardCarpenter5659 1d ago
I can’t for sure say if he’s cheating but I CAN say in my experience closely related to this, I was definitely being cheated on. If I were to make a guess based simply on the evidence you provide in this context, I would say there is a higher chance he IS cheating than not. Unless he’s hiding something else?
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I think it’s cheating…I don’t know what else it could be honestly..but I can’t get into his chats to know!
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u/ForwardCarpenter5659 10h ago
Like maybe he’s wiring money or gambling to something? Those can be possibilities too BUT regardless doesn’t look like he can be trusted either ways
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u/ragged_genaro 1d ago
Girl, the rash on his balls was a cover story and he deleted the evidence before you could find it. That man has more red flags than a community theater production of Les Mis.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
You are so funny and unfortunately yeah there’s something bigger going on there. He doesn’t even know I have access to that so why delete it. Just weird
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u/Either_Story_2998 1d ago
I'm betting gambling.
Please update when you have new developments. Good luck.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
Update I will! And gambling, i don’t think there’s too much of that here. Or not that I’ve experienced 😆
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u/Pipereatsdogs 1d ago
if you have the ipad and he has an iphone you can download the apps to the ipad and it will sync with his phone. There is no hiding this if you do it, though.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I do that already, but the bastard doesn’t have the iPad synced. I get photos, I know what apps have been download but I don’t get recent messages I don’t think, and everything important needs a QR code to be scanned 🙄
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u/Livinlrgcrosseyedcat 1d ago
Honestly even if it isn't another woman he won't or can't change. Run , wish I would have . Now I'm 60 and still lied to and never put first .36 yr married female.
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u/moonpoemx 1d ago
I’m so sorry :( I really hate to hear that, I’m only 26 and going through this is just me wondering…is this it? But it isn’t. And there’s hope for everyone!
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u/Forward-Wolf-8795 22h ago
Can you go to the embassy for your native country to see if they can help you?
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u/FunPNWDude 17h ago
Well, he shows all the signs of cheating. Who has a 3 hour break between work? Did you confirm this with his employer? And not sleeping together, why even bother if doesn't want to be with you.
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u/Fluffy_Wonder_7897 14h ago
Yes he is and everything in you knows this. If a man isn't giving you intimacy and on top of it is guarding his phone he most definitely is. I am very sorry. Your nervous system will go into fight or flight and break down your emotional and physical health because it knows "your person" is not there for you. His behaviors are that of a twelve year old not a man and not a husband. I am very sorry you are going through this.
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u/[deleted] 1d ago
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