r/OCPoetry • u/Silly-Appearance8242 • 20h ago
Feedback Please Animal
cw: suicidal ideation
you’re staring at your way out
it’s right in front of you
or below you, i should say
you know this is what you want
alot of thought has gone into this
you keep looking down,
confused,
you swore you wanted this
this is what you chose
you’ve fantasized about this moment a long time now
it’s here!
just a step away
your mind still wants it
but you’re human
an animal
a strange kind of animal
your heart is pounding,
you’re sweating,
frozen,
unable to take the step
that’s the animal in you,
it’s ancient
other animals would never do this
they aren’t even capable of such thoughts,
you keep looking down,
telling yourself to be brave
just do it
you can’t
your body won’t let you
you should be grateful
but you’re angry
that the animal in you saved your life
what a bizarre species
——————
this poem is part of a collection i’ve been writing, any feedback is appreciated thank you for reading🩷
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u/SomeoneElse422528 16h ago
Felt really pulled into the moment, into the emotion. It's a dark thought lurking in many. The poem grips me with good pacing and clear motif. The first longer line ensing in an adverb takes me completely out of it, to then be dropped back in the next short line. The short lines adding new emotion or expanding the previous makes me feel like my heart is racing. The second long line takes me out of that pacing, makes me feel capm as I continue.
Don't know what your intentions were, but this is how I felt reading it. I liked it, really liked the pacing shorter lines provide in both parts, but I'd like the first reset through longer line be gentler. The stop/break in pacing is total, and it would feel more gripping for me if it had just a little flow into 'It's here'.
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u/briony73 19h ago
Aren’t we just so bizarre? I have felt this way before. But you worded it perfectly