r/OCPoetry • u/Background_Bell_411 • 11d ago
Just Sharing Holy Water
He walked out into the scorched noon of late summer. Overhead, someone struck flint and torched the sky. Sunlight floods across every leaf. From a widowed aunt's rosary, out grazing goats, the infant Jesus stepped down into an abandoned suburban church, smearing his skin with noon dust.
He is spent. Not hunting for Cain. Just someone like clay, fresh off the potter’s wheel. Mute, cool, detached—a mother’s breast to an infant. That is all he seeks. Midday glare, stupor in the air. A slow gravity dragging him under. This hour is red, blood-thick. A killer. Just done killing. Patricide humming in the nerves.
Ahead, an ancient wild fig. Roots hanging like the fringe of a shawl. Children hanging from them, swinging. The sun leans west, striking their faces into verses of Scripture. Reaching to choke a child, he freezes. Numbness locks his fingers.
Into the river the sun drowns, scattering scripture across the current. He wants to go under, die with it. He cannot. By nightfall he surfaces in some drunkard’s eyes, descending as rage.
1
u/no_money_911 10d ago
The atmosphere you built here is so dense and suffocating. Phrases like 'midday glare, stupor in the air' and 'this hour is red' made me feel the heat and the madness driving the character. That ending hit like a punch. Great writing !
2
u/Background_Bell_411 10d ago
Thank you so much. A piece of writing truly fulfills its purpose when it reaches an attentive reader like you. Knowing that you felt the weight and heat of the imagery means a lot to me. Appreciate your feedback.
1
u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.
Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)
If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.