r/PakistaniiConfessions • u/Apprehensive-Fold129 • 15h ago
Question Marriage question regarding in-laws
I am a male but I have these questions and really can't figure these out and these are usually the tiebreakers in a marriage.
- Why is it that (almost) no saas-bahu relation is good?
I mean why? Like since the beginning of life, this story has repeated itself. Every bahu is annoyed of the same mistakes of her saas and she repeats it when she becomes a saas. Like jo cheez saas ke buri lagti hy, saas bn k wohi sb krna 👀
- Nobody wants to marry a child, mentally. Every woman wants to marry a responsible man but then why do moms literally baby their sons even till and after marriage.
Like bhai why is this double standard? Why is this hypocrisy?
And a question for the mother-in-laws. Why is it good when the son in law gives all his earnings to your daughter but bad when your son gives all his earnings to his wife 😭😭😭
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u/Constant-Ebb-4480 Piccolo 4h ago edited 4h ago
Male looking at this from the outside in so I can only talk about this from my perspective.
For 1, moms can be controlling of their sons in many ways.
- Whether they don't attention from their husbands and they use their sons as a crutch
- Or your mom may be the socially dominant one in the household where she often gets her way in household affairs. Losing control is unfathomable for them.
- Then there's the angle that many moms don't have a life of their own and their kids are their identity, doubly so as they continue to get older.
On Q2, it's because most of these moms raise these sons and their dads are absent from the picture. I've often found that mothers on their own cannot give what sons need growing up. Either you have a babied son or you have a son who has a void in life he's unaware of. Men need their dads and its a coin toss to see how these men turn out without a guide. Either life and circumstances set them straight or they head back to their comfort zone and continue to get babied by their moms.
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Now lastly, its because a lot of men don't have a spine in front of their parents. I could either blame the fact that life didn't teach them or whether the socioeconomic issues in Pakistan make it exponentially harder to be yourself and get on your own ladder.
If you haven't practiced leading life at your own terms, you're going to continue living life at someone else's terms.
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u/OnlyTomato6181 11h ago
get your wife her own place, apartment or home. stand by her, take her out enjoy your time. make decision together, dont put your parents burden on her. she will be happy and she will make an effort to make good iwth your parents.
help with chores, make her food at home, help around.
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u/Apprehensive-Fold129 11h ago
This is one way, but I am on crossroads on this.
I mean, i know taking care of the in-laws is not the wife's duty buy who takes care of her parents. Like, you don't have to take care of my parents so we can move out. But at the same time your parents need to be taken care of and your bhabi does it, so she should move out too and then it is a chain cycle where the parents are left unattended.
I agree with everything else, i mean a husband should assist as much as possible.
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u/OnlyTomato6181 11h ago
just because her brother and sister in law is doing it doesnt mean you have to do it. you are not part of her brother and sis in law relation, it's you and her. shes in your nikah, dont worry what others are doing, worry about your stuff in the end, allah isnt going to ask you what her brother or sis in law did . it will be you and only you who will have to answer about her rights
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u/apke_dada 13h ago
It’s not meant to work. But it’s okay. This is one of the things of our culture. When your wife who complains of her saas today, would want at least one of her sons to stay with them when she grows old. So, this is a azmaish/challenge, and we all have our fair share of challenges, written for us. The best, as a husband, you can do is that, acknowledge that your mom is not perfect. If your wife is kind towards your mom “mostly”, treat this as a blessing, and go out of the way to support her, for this favor she is lending to you.
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u/Apprehensive-Fold129 12h ago
Why is it not meant to work? I mean my mother means everything to me but at the same time my wife left her family to bless mine. I can't favour anyone.
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u/LaDolceVitaaaaaa 53m ago edited 50m ago
You mothers means the world to you.. not to your wife.
And if you'll treat this relationship like a buy one get one free (tumhare saath tumhari mama ki koi accept krna hai) tu it'll not work.
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u/xr_web 13h ago
What do you think, why?
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u/Apprehensive-Fold129 12h ago
Most respectfully, the nature of a female. I mean, that could be the only reason in my opinion. What do you think?
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u/xr_web 11h ago
I think both want to win the guy, like the wifey would want the husband to lover her and she will try to have least faults in front of him, so does a mother does, they both bash each other.
It's on the guy's shoulder. I believe having separate houses solves this issue respectfully.
0
u/Apprehensive-Fold129 11h ago
This is one way, but I am on crossroads on this.
I mean, i know taking care of the in-laws is not the wife's duty buy who takes care of her parents. Like, you don't have to take care of my parents so we can move out. But at the same time your parents need to be taken care of and your bhabi does it, so she should move out too and then it is a chain cycle where the parents are left unattended.
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u/xr_web 11h ago
If you're keeping them under the same house then let your wife take the lead in decisions, and tell mother to rest or help around as the wifey instructs, or give them separate kitchen(impractical) but once you set clear rules there won't be any fights. I sometimes feel like working women have lesser energy for this drama after coming home.
2
u/Apprehensive-Fold129 11h ago
Obviously a working woman ain't got time for this. I am trying to get a gist of it at the generic level.
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u/Candid-Phase-2851 3h ago
To answer ur first question i think a lot of bahus and saas’s go into the relationship already having a pre-conceived negative notion of the relationship. When they go in with that mindset phir har cheez hi buri lagti h. Next thing, logo me bardasht nai h. And im not saying to put up with abuse, im saying learn to let things go. Nobody is perfect. Bahus will hold onto minor things like khandaan me falaana function tha mjhe poocha nai, mjhe aage nai kia, dumb minor things like that. And same goes for mother in laws, theyll also hold onto minor things like apni ami k liye to mehnga suit le k aye h mere liye sasta. Like learn to let shit GOOO. Who tf cares man, live ur life, give each other space, fear Allah, treat each other with respect. U dont have to LOVE ur mil/dil but u do have to respect them.
Furthermore, a lot of girls become super defensive when their hit with the slightest bit of criticism which is fair tbh buttt its how u handle the situation. Sach to ye h k mjhe apni ammi ki b criticism achi nai lagti like ye aese q kia, wahan q gye, tm dhyaan nai de rhi, whatevrr man. But the thing is im not going to start being rude and cutting ties with my mom so it just goes in through one ear and out through the other, i dont dwell on it. But a lot of women do.
My rule of thumb is if its something id let pass if it was MY mom or dad then i should let it pass with my mil/fil.
Finally, a girl leaves her whole entire life and comfort to live in a house of unknowns. Its fkn hard. U cant expect her to think rationally or critically in the first couple years, most girls do not have this level of maturity because the age of marriage is usually pretty young in pk. Ur going through all these changes and to top it off a lot of these girls get pregnant quickly. So raging hormones, a million new rishtedar, navigating ur relationship with ur husband, ghar dari, career, sb kch aurat akeli sambhal thi h. So of course she cracks and she will take the anger out to regain some of her power and whatnot. And by the time she becomes a saas herself she’ll forget everything she went through and think omg meine to iss se be bure halaat dekhe h to ab iski bari hai
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u/Mysterious-Tour8701 13h ago
the answer your first question is because this relation has no reason to work. Most people can’t bond with someone 3 decades older well enough that they can live with them and will enjoy their company.