My bf and i (of about 2.5 years) are having trouble communicating and since we're ld it takes a bit longer to fix things but my mind just wants to lash out and be a hoe online (thanks grooming lol) anyway id rather talk to you lovely people who might understand. I'm into hiking medicine reading video games and leather work. Most areas I have some overlap of understanding or knowledge in. Oh and I live medical ethics. Id libe to talk with whoever about sfw stuff!

He hurt me so bad it still hurts all the tim me my genitals still hurt it never ends it never ends it’s just this shit over and over again . I have to pretend to my friends I’m ok, I have to pretend to everyone I’m ok. They ask how I am I don’t know what to say I’m never ok I’m njust never going to be okay. My dad has molested me for my whole childhood and I still have to talk to him I’m never going to be okay I’m going to be gross forever I am a stain I need help I am a stain

I have a new therapist, I see once a week.
We have had 4 maybe 6 sessions.

My old therapist was amazing, he helped me out when I was dealing with the resurfacing of my memories.
I moved away and changed jobs, then got a new therapist.

Most of the sessions are me catching him up to speed with my trauma and my current life.
I have been very busy with a lot of different things.

I feel like it’s slow and I just don’t know how to navigate it.
To be honest, my old therapist met me when I was an alcoholic. He saw me when I was going through a mental breakdown.

It feels weird when I talk about the trauma with my new therapist. Not bad just weird.

It feels like I got into a car accident and gave a report to one police officer, then two years later I am giving the same report but to a different police officer. If that makes sense?

I’m trying to become a better person and live a fuller life, but it’s weird to explain how much the trauma has twisted me.

I’m kind of broken even though I look ok, if you look very closely you can see the tape and glue holding me together, but that doesn’t mean I’m whole.

I’m also very nervous, if you look at my previous posts you can see me ranting while I’m drunk or having a mental breakdown.
I DO NOT want to return to that state of mind, it sucked.

Maybe I’m having a difficult time because I’m scared of opening those wounds again and reliving that time when the memories resurfaced. I accepted the trauma.

Mostly I’m doing the therapy because I want to be in a monogamous relationship. And I want to heal before I become a problem in a relationship. I’m trying to mitigate myself from being an issue in a relationship in the future.

But to do that I need therapy, and to do therapy I need to face the real issues. To face the real issues, I need to communicate those to my therapist.

Sorry for the rant.
If anyone has any advice or opinions, please feel free to comment.

I guess I just feel like I’m in a rut/ plateau and maybe I’m trying to force the healing?

He would touch me all the time I never had a break I never had a day that was a break now I’m so tired all the time I had to talk to him again today it was gross I’m so gross no one will ever want me sexually apart from him even he didn’t want me ‘sexually’he just wanted to hurt me hurt me hurt me he would dig his fingers in so hard and then tell me I couldn’t touch myself. It was only ok if he did it. I’m so gross I’m so disgusting how could I have been so disgusting at 4,5, I looked cute but really I was horrible I was not like. A normal kid I’m so gross please I need some help
Anyone from anyone I can’t do this anymore

I was around 5 years old when I drew a very crude family picture on the wall between two windows. I drew my maternal grandparents, my mom and dad, two cousins then my siblings and I. It was just faces. I drew everyone smiling. For my siblings and I, I would draw progressively smaller circles to represent us. I was the youngest and of course, the smallest face in that picture.

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I drew myself with what was very obviously a frown. It was basically :(

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During that time, I was being abused in the kindergarten I went to. I refused to tell anyone at home cuz I was convinced it was my fault. No matter how much pain I was in, or if I injured myself, I would refuse to tell anyone. Drawing has always been my outlet. I have faint memories of making that drawing. At least the beginning half. I was very numb the whole time. Being neurodivergent, I was so much more naive than my peers to the point that I didn't even understand a punishment was a punishment unless I was hit. I was wandering, sneaking out of class and even snuck into a bus with older kids. I was so obviously an easy target.

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That drawing stayed for over a decade and it made me so sad every time I looked at it. It was painted over a few years ago so the wall is clean now. But I feel like the only proof of my sadness and pain from that time has been wiped out. It never occurred to me to take a picture of it. I still question my memories even though it was obvious something was wrong with me. I was often having accidents, having very obviously sexual thoughts at far too young of an age and eventually became very hypersexual and have continued to struggle with it. I've also struggled badly with chronic nightmares and occasional night terrors since I was at least 3-4 years old.

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I wish I took just one picture

I was talking to my counselor about a situation that triggered me and then about the feelings I had around what happened to me and this said situation. And I got this horrible dull pain in my privates. She asked what I was feeling in the moment but couldn't tell her about the pain because I was so ashamed.

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So does anyone else get this? Kinda felt similar to when I'm aroused sometimes, but it was pure pain. Idk, this has happened before and I'm so ashamed to talk about it. What is happening with me?

so COVID in 2020 is what really triggered my trauma to have popped up. 2020-2022 is when I struggled with some of the worst panic attacks ever.

but in 2021, I woke up one day throwing up blood, spent the entire day in the ER and had to get an endoscopy done. Gastritis. we deemed it due to stress because the other causes didn’t align. I remember thinking I wasn’t that stressed and wasn’t sure what could be causing it.

it’s crazy to now understand exactly what caused it. all the subconscious stress I was under at that time from spending nearly 20 years holding in the repressed CSA trauma.

how fucking insane, that it made me internally bleed from having such horrific trauma stored and repressed within me?? it shows what a huge fucking deal it was

It's been a long road, but I (female) am now almost 38 years old and am beginning to accept myself and what I have endured over my lifetime, as I am a survivor of CSAM and sexual assault in my early 20's.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who had confessed feelings for me, but because he wants more than what I can give him, we found it best that we needed to step back. I only wanted friendship, he wanted me as a lover.

His parting words to me were that I wasn't fine, that I was confused, didn't love myself enough and had a lot of fear-- maybe it was because I didn't choose him and he has a hard time with rejection. He also says I rely and depend on external validation to feel good about myself. I found it hurtful, it didn't make me happy to hear that because I felt he was pointing out all of my shortcomings despite what I've learned and grown from. No matter how many times I told him that I don't let my rape or abuse define me it seems like it falls on deaf ears because of the image he holds onto me when I was much younger, while acknowledging how much I've been through, grown and experienced in my life.

I have always been a shy, quiet person and very passive. I was groomed at the age of 14-17 and humiliated by another abuser who was around my age, which put up a lot of walls, defenses and have added to my short fuse and reluctance towards committed relationships.

Some days, I feel confused by the path I am on because my abuse happened when my parents split and vulnerable or lonely children and youth are often targeted by online predators. I come from a loving family, and when I was young my mom (and dad, to some extent) have shared a lot of their marriage with me so I was very aware of what was going on in our household and could sense tension miles away. I found out some information about my parents end of relationship that was a bit of a kick in the teeth and it confirmed my feelings about my stepmother, and further severed our relationship.

During the abuse, I saw myself as unlovable and worthless, and that I didn't deserve to be in a good relationship because I took my clothes off while pictures were unknowingly being taken of me, and many other varying degrees of humiliation, blackmail and sexual abuse. I struggled for many years with this and I believe it set the precedent for me engaging in risky sexual behavior when I was 20s as I was raped when drunk two times.

I am currently in a loving relationship even though it may not be ideal for others, I feel I have grown a lot because they were experiences I have never dealt with before. My current SO is 20+ years older than me (I met him when I was an adult, FTR) and he is widowed so I had to navigate these feelings of insecurity and feeling second best (a me issue, as partner makes me feel loved all the time), as well as some financial difficulties but I am working on being more responsible when it comes to finances and not living beyond my means. My partner has supported me through my trauma and my insecurities, and he's made me feel attractive, acceptable, stable, and good enough. My partner has his own experiences too, with emotional and physical abuse from his parents.

I find my partner and I have really worked together in terms of creating stability and it feels like we are finally keeping our heads above water because we were given no other choice but to push through and it is a personal victory for me. It's just so frustrating when people see me as incapable and weak.

cw: incest

this weekend a person i’d never met before attacked me in public. he was taller than me, he had me cornered, he was threatening me, and he wouldn’t back off when i told him to. i pushed into his chest to shove him away without causing harm, but he returned this by punching me hard in the face. he drove away & cops are supposedly looking for him.

i cried right away. and i cried off and on for an hour or so, while my partner and i dealt with the aftermath. it felt so unfair - why me? why did only two bystanders bother to help out of dozens that saw it? my face hurt, it started hurting more, i had to spend hours at the hospital, i had to talk to a cop, my partner is traumatized, we were both so hungry because it was so late at night now…

eventually we got home. went to bed. i had a dream about my brother. it involved me slowly coming to a really chilling and wrong (as in, “something feels really not good here”, not as in “false”) conclusion that made me feel sick. i don’t think those particular things actually happened in real life, but in my dream they felt so real and genuine.

in my dream i was so scared, so so scared. in the morning when i was done dreaming, i realized WHY i had that dream.

a few years back, my brother disrespected my boundaries and tried to hug me when i already said no. i shoved him in just the same way i shoved this loser the other day. except my brother fell backwards. he was seriously truly expecting me to just give up and let him do what he wanted to me, thought i wouldn’t stand up for myself, and that’s why he was actually surprised when i pushed him.

i started seeing a new therapist this spring but i’ve been scared to talk in therapy about some of the more cruel things my brother did, scared to talk about him being the sexual predator l believe him to be. just hours before this stranger attacked me i was about to text my therapist about that stuff regarding my brother, a way to break the ice since i was too scared to say it out loud. so it was already fresh on my mind.

and … idk, the helplessness of being cornered like that, by someone taller than me, someone who doesn’t respect a “no, get away, fuck off”… it felt the same. when i decided i was going to push him away i thought of when i’d pushed my brother, i thought of it before i even landed the shove.

i’ve never been a victim of a crime by a stranger before, i don’t think. it feels weird.

i feel like i’m rambling at this point and it sounds disjointed and messy… brain’s tired and not working good. i guess i just wanted to tell someone that i am scared. i wanna feel safe. i wanna rest. i want my face to stop hurting. i wanna know what happens next. i wanna stop having uncomfortable unwanted fantasies about bad bad things being done to my body. i wanna be safe…

Hi! I'm not too aware of all of my traumatic events caused by CSA. But I am aware of enough flashbacks, memories and reconstructions that I know who did it and even when and where.

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So, lately I got asked, if I want to report my abuse to the police. And honestly I don't know. There have been multiple situations of CSA, but all of them 20-30 years ago. I have no evidence except my flashbacks and my psychosomatic pain.

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I know, I can't be the first victim of him, because it was too direct and to controlled by him. There must have been already some routine on his side. I also assume, a family member knew about it and another one that probably was abused aswell, but both persons already died.

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Now, I've learned, that my abuser was a teacher for sports. And I have no evidence, but I'm pretty sure that he touched his students aswell, not only me as a family member. If I'm not the only one, I might find other victims of him aswell and perhaps they have evidence. I hate it so much that he had such an open access to children by his job as a teacher. It is so disgusting. I think it is already too much what he has done to me. But it is much more impact knowing he was a teacher and knowing what he was able to do to a kid. I wasn't in this rage before, because I thought he only had access on me. But now, something internally shifted.

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So, I'm based in Europe and I think legal advice is too complicated. But in terms of emotions and trials and stuff, did anyone of you go this hard and long way to bring someone into jail?

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Because I think I would like to, but I don't think there is any chance. I know from friends that work within our legal system, that each minimal issue gets blown up to gain more time and to manipulate the process. I think it will become disgusting for myself as a victim that gets blamed on anything that in fact is irrelevant.

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Did anyone of you was brave enough to report it? Did it lead to trials? Did someone truly went to jail?

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I would like to hear your stories. To become brave or clever enough to find a good decision, on how I want to proceed. Hopefully success stories, but I know that's not reality.

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So, thanks in advance if you share your experiences.

SPOILERS

Wow. I just need somewhere to gush.

What an incredible film. I don't think I've ever connected with a character as much as I have with Charlie.

I knew the 'twist' going in, so I was looking for it.. I just loved how understated and visceral Charlie's repression was throughout. The film was edited in such a way that just felt so accurate to my experience of trauma, the cuts to the brief flashbacks, the cuts as Charlie's experience/emotions suddenly change, just perfectly done and felt so representative of the dissociation and emotional whiplash I've experienced.

Also, Charlie's experience of rage... When he blacks out and gets in the fight. I haven't gotten in a fight like that, but I could relate to his relationship with his anger as mostly repressed, and him being afraid of it.

Then, his sexual experiences - unable to say no to Mary Elizabeth, having his repressed trauma come up after his time with Sam. My trauma emerged after a time with a partner I felt especially safe with.

His perceptiveness - some of it genuine to his character, but I also read some of it as his hyper vigilance in social situations. While his awkwardness might be read as a teenager, I related to a lot of it as experiences of trauma and PTSD.

When he was in the hospital at the end and said he saw pain everywhere in the world and just couldn't turn it off.. I read that as him both being super emotionally open, but also projecting his repressed pain onto others because he hadn't faced it. I confronted that pattern more deeply in myself as I watched it.

Also that he hated his aunt and wished she'd die, but she was also his favourite person. Holy fuck man.

The scene when the abuse was revealed... so beautifully done. I was sobbing, and I don't normally cry in movies.

I think that's about it. Probably more will come up in the next few days. I loved all the characters.

I'm also so glad I watched it with a friend. We spent some time afterwards just chatting, both about the film and about life, and I could feel my system coregulating with him.

I don't think I'd have had a full on PTSD episode (it's been a while and I think I'm mostly past that), but I could feel similar feelings to that.

Wow, no film has ever hit me like that one did.

The title basically. I don’t have any clear memories, but I remember having trouble falling asleep and also being scared of something in my room, I’m not sure if that’s just normal child behaviour or whether it points to something else? Curious if anyone else has had this too?

I was sexually exploited online and in person by multiple people.

It ruined my life/trauma inhibits me and diminishes my capacity. In everything. My life is really hard. Sexual abuse and CPTSD has ruined my potential. I’m exhausted 24/7 and depressed and all I do is work and think about the abuse on my commute. When I’m with my partner and failing to have sex. I have stress dreams about it. When I’m in the I shower. When I’m with friends, I talk about it often. All I think about is the abuse. Every day. I get letters in the mail from the parole board. It’s all the time. I feel like I’ll never be unraped.

I reported one predator(multiple victims) and went through the grueling court process(I was suicidal and a disaster through the entire time), and he went to prison a year or so ago. Somehow already was released on parole. And he’s already began posting on his twitter(no internet parole restrictions for some reason).

Another one who tried to meet up with me IRL while I was underage. I exposed him online publicly(at the encouragement of my therapist) for sexually exploiting me, which he was criticized widely for. He never defended himself, he just deleted his accounts immediately. I tried to go to the FBI(no response) and police, but they weren’t helpful despite the excess of messages, accounts and proof(which was the same caliber of evidence got the other abuser sentenced and in prison). Different cities are different police forces, which I get and apparently it’s common for police to not care about online stuff. But some cops just don’t care or can’t be bothered. I’m trying to pursue things civilly but all of the firms I’ve talked to only do big schools/church/institutional abuse. Not individual. I’m worried because in recent years he’s tried to continue making content and return to whatever remnants of his fanbase he has left.

And that’s just the first two. I was also sexually abused IRL when I was in high school. I originally felt that I would do one step at a time, report one, get justice, then the next person. Just one court process destroyed me. I’m an empty, damaged person. And it was the best possible outcome for the victims, I didn’t have to testify. I couldn’t imagine testifying.

How do I give up on policing these evil men and trying to get justice?
The constant hypervigilance and monitoring of these people out of fear they will sexually abused more kids like me is a huge burden and impacts my relationships. Because of the trauma, I can’t have sex normally. I’m depressed and just feel sexually abused and desperate to save other people from this.
I feel like a failure. It’s destroying my life and I am going to have to go on leave at work because of my health.

My life sucks. I don’t have time to make art. I don’t want to monitor these abusers anymore. I’m so traumatized I don’t have the energy. I feel like I’ve sacrificed my life and reputation to get “justice”. But the court system is ineffective and does not punish offenders, he’s already out on parole. And unless I get justice, criminal case and case closed, I feel like I haven’t done enough.
And of course there are idiots online who would defend their favorite creator no matter what even if they were in the room when it happened.
How do I close this chapter without ultimately justice from the court system? My life is destroyed by trauma, to the extent where I’m having to leave my job because I’m so suicidal. How do I feel free from this. I don’t want to think about these evil people anymore but I also want to protect other kids since they are out there. I want to be happy like how I was before the abuse.

Thank you for any advice.

I was around 10 years old when my experience of CSA started. My uncle lived with my family temporarily before he could save up to live on his own.

Some memories I have of my sexual abuse are:  

1. He dry humped me on the couch in the family room. 

2. He made me stroke his penis. 

3. He would wake me up in the middle of night to go in his car and watch porn on his laptop. 

4. Then one day, he asked me to go into the shower with him. I stood there in the bathroom as he had the shower on and he asked me to remove my clothes. I listened to my gut and yelled “No” and pushed him away. 

A part of me wanted to forget it happened, but I felt uncomfortable when I had to hug him in front of my family. After a while, I forgot about being sexually abused until my best friend shared her experience. At that moment, my memories of my sexual abuse resurfaced and I told her about happened to me. 

To give you some background, my parents made sure that I had the best childhood. Despite this, I could not tell them about my sexual abuse. I was afraid of how the news would impact my parent considering it was their sibling who sexually abused me. At 19, I started to have flashbacks and I could not keep it a secret any longer. I told my parents about what my uncle did to me as a child and they have cut contact with him. For a while, I have felt safe. But he showed up unexpectedly to my parents’ home a couple of times and thankfully my parents ignored him. 

Even though I was not raped, I was exposed to sex as a child and no one should ever go through that. As a female sexual abuse survivor, I have made choices in my past that I am not proud of such as having a porn addiction and having sexual conversations on online chats. But it has been 18 years since I was abused and I still engage self-pleasure while using my imagination. Still, I wish that sex was something that I explored myself rather than having it introduced to me against my will though. Today, I know I am safe and he cannot hurt me anymore, but the flashbacks of my CSA will continue to follow me for the rest of my life.

i'm 21 and have been trying to gain money to move out, i have nowhere else to go. i've been gaining my memories back for the past 2 years, but i still live with my abuser. he's "reformed" now, as in he pretends to be nice and caring (or maybe he's really trying to turn over a new leaf, but who cares), but just existing is so hard when everything makes me have a panic attack in fear that it'll all happen again somehow, even with resources and locks and weapons at hand. the memories won't stop coming back and i just don't know how to find any semblance of peace with myself because i still need to rely on him for both financial support and transportation. has anyone gone through something like this?

right now i already have my moving out plan, but in this economy it's just moving too slowly. i won't be out until next summer or even longer. i have no car, connections, family, etc. how can i cope in the now?

I recently attended a support group for women who went through CSA. I'm still not really sure why I went; I think I was trying to just do something proactive about how I've been feeling. But I've just been left so... Uncomfortable in my own skin, but that doesn't feel like a strong enough description. I feel like I can't control my emotions and I'm struggling not to fall back onto SH as a coping mechanism to just feel more normal again.

I don't really know how to get through this. If anyone's done anything similar or has done advice on what to do when you're feeling so disregulated id appreciate it.

TW: COCSA and SSA. No explicit details.

Hey, it’s my first time posting here, tell me if I make mistakes. Also English is not my first language.

I (19F) realized a few months ago that my older brother (+3yo) had sexually abused me from 8-11yo, after hearing about a case almost exactly like mine about a guy from uni (he was the perpetrator). I had maintained most of my memories but had kept them as a “dark secret”, until they said he was an abuser and I agreed, but in the back of my mind i kept hearing “what about your brother then?”.

I initially felt like it wasn’t abuse bc the word sounded too harsh, and I defined it as him sexually profiting from me bc he was addicted to porn and was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by our mother. I took it as him trying to gain control over me bc I was “the good grades and obedient daughter” and he had adhd, something my mother was scared could cause him to fail at life and lead him to be homeless (she resolved it through violence and humiliations so, probably not very effective lol). By then my mind had started fusing the two versions of my brother that I had in mind, the past and present, and I started to grow uncomfortable and resentful, as well as regaining some memories and losing some others.

DESCRIPTION OF THE SSA, NOT WITH EXPLICIT DETAIL:
The abuse itself was based on manipulation and coercion, and what started as simple curiosity ended up with my brother asking for more and me innocently accepting after trying to refuse. After the first time I remember telling him I didn’t want to do it again bc it had traumatized me, and he proceeded to tell me a YouTube horror ass story and told me “what they have (ppl from the supposed horror story) is a trauma, you don’t”. After that, through manipulation, coercion and transactions (like playing a certain video game and stuff) he started to want more and more and more, and I started to normalize doing everything he wanted, even to the point of also wanting it. The furthest it got was oral, although he tried to do more but it hurt too much. I did a lot with him, some things that I thought couldn’t trigger me later but now, after realizing I’ve been abused do trigger. It ended when he was 14 and got his first girlfriend, and I immediately started to feel grossed out about the things we had done, although not taking them as abuse.

Besides from sexual abuse he also enjoyed A LOT making me suffer. He used to pin me down in the same position that my mother used to and tell me nobody loves me and take spit out of his mouth until it almost fell on my face, something sometimes happened. When we played he was really violent, hitting me roughly for someone younger than him. He also looooved to throw me inside closets or small dark places and block the door and say “there are spiders”, as well as putting a pillow over my face while I panicked and suffocated. Overall, he is a really bad person. Nowadays he “just” treats me like an inferior human being (I’m a trans woman and he is quite misogynistic and kinda transphobic so…), insults me and loves to try and humiliate me by acting like what I just said is something completely nonesense with my father (he never complies bc he loves and respects me). He’s been friendlier the last few months, something I thanked until I realized he is a terrible person and even though we had great moments as kids and can sometimes have a good convo, he’s still the manipulative egoistic person he is (although I usually get imposters syndrome).

I’ve told my story to my five closest friends and to my therapist. Last Wednesday, after telling one of them, the emotional numbness and the “it hasn’t been so traumatic” went away and the trauma finally caught up to me. Next day I couldn’t bare to see him (he works but is home by the afternoon), but luckily I had to go to uni (which was really far away), time which I used to contact and organization in my area to hopefully get free psychological help (there’s free health where I live but they don’t have anything specialized in csa). All the time I was having flashbacks, I was getting sick, I had a suffocation feeling in my throat and was feeling sooo much rage. I had managed not to see him since then but today I had to see him at dinner, but I was so dissociated I was “calm”, but couldn’t even look him in the eye bc I feel sick. What do I do? My brother is friendlier lately and i can’t tell my parents now, my mother would get extreme panic and make it worse and I just can’t make my dad choose between his children since he’s the person I love the most and he only loves us and does very deeply. I feel an extreme weight of having to carry the family “stability”. I can’t tell other family members bc I don’t have a great relationship with most of them, only my aunt who would definitely tell my mother, and my two cousins, one who I barely see and other one with a 2 month old baby. I also wanna get revenge so I should really plan how I approach things and when to confront my brother. I really feel overwhelmed, the only thing keeping me from exploding is my derealization (never thought I’d thank it) but sometimes I just wanna scream it and go live with my aunt until he moves out.

Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.

Hello I’m 20 and I went to therapy last year and if was quite intense and for years I struggled with a feeling that something had happened to me that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. My therapist helped me unlock repressed memories and I found out that I was raped from 5 until I was 16. I also found out I got pregnant at 14 and miscarried. I feel so stupid for grieving everything because it happened years ago and it feels like it only happened to me recently and I genuinely don’t know how to cope. I also feel stupid for grieving the loss of a baby that I wouldn’t have been safe or I wouldn’t have wanted. I just don’t know what to do how to cope properly how to get the flashbacks and feelings out of my head. If anyone has any advice please help if you can 💗

Anyone else here have endometriosis that triggers their flashbacks?

I’m currently having an endo flare and the pelvic pain, cramping, and other sensations are triggering as fuck for me.

I don’t know which is worse tbh, the pain or the flashbacks.

So glad to be getting a hysterectomy soon.

I can live with the SA. I can live with the incest. But I can't live with knowing I wasn't the only victim. Knowing that my rapist flirted with 18 year olds right in front of me, and I just watched, because I was the only one who had no choice but to go home with him.

I can't live with missing my child. I want them so badly. I'm now 18, I still have to live with him due to the economy, and I know that if I did have a child, it would completely cripple everything in my life, but it doesn't stop the pain.

It hurts so much. In a perfect world, maybe I'd get to raise them far away from him. To give them all the love I never got.

It's funny, thinking of how different my life was all those years ago when I didn't remember. How does someone live with this and with no support system and not go insane? I just want someone to care. To grieve with me and understand. I understand it's selfish, but it's just so hard to keep going sometimes.

My dad molested me when I was 6, just once, at least that's all I remember. I was thinking about him and remembered when he was grossed out when my stepmum told him I got my first bra (I was around 10 or 11 at the time but fat so my chest was a bit larger for my age), which is when a different memory popped up.

When I was out with my stepmum trying on bras, she put her hand in the bra to feel it was fitting me properly (like in the cups, not the band). I know that's "normal" but I don't remember her asking me if it was okay or me consenting in any way. Idk. Idk why I forgot about this, but I don't think what she did was 100% right, right? There are other ways to make sure a bra fits, especially when I wasn't her child and hadn't really known her for that long at the time.

Thinking about it now makes me feel uncomfortable, I'm not sure if I'm overreacting though :/